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How do you rebuild yourself?

(22 Posts)
hungryhippo90 Sun 21-Jan-18 23:05:49

I know im in the wrong place, but this is the only part of mumsnet I can really get around.

Ive been wondering recently, how do you rebuild yourself when medication and CBT havent really worked?

I dont really know what else to do, I do have depression, anxiety, and BPD.

I have put in place strategies to try and control the aspects of BPD, Ive also got strategies for the anxiety-they dont always help, but i can atleast say its a forward moving process. I have tried lifestyle modifications for the depression.

I cant shake the fact that my confidence is on the floor, people comment on how low my confidence is quite often. Ive put a lot of effort into trying to be a positive, supportive person to people around me, ive tried to put out positivity out there, in hopes that maybe that will effect my outlook, and I will feel like a better person.

The thing is, this belief that I am a bad person, that im inadequate, literally rubbish is stopping me from being able to do anything.

The thing is, our life isnt bad, I have a lovely daughter, and a wonderful supportive husband, our life is outwardly quite nice, but im always dissatisfied.

I find myself thinking, life would be so much better if we had more money, i would be able to treat my daughter and husband, but I keep doing this to myself knowing that I will get a job, and I will feel so inadequate I run away, if I listed the jobs ive had...none of them are even remotely related. Its like every time I start a new job, its like I feel like "this is me, this is who i am, this is where i show im not useless" then i prove myself to be useless and it takes months to recover from the battering that gives my confidence and sense of self, all to do it again as soon as im feeling slightly better.

i dont know, im just babbling and hoping someone may know a cure for the way I feel.

Ive felt this way since I was about 17/18. i feel so broken, and because I feel so bad I comfort eat to excess, I try to go on a diet, but i also dont think im worthy of having a better body. my body as it currently is, is very ugly and represents who i am on the inside.

I really want to change. i just dont know how.

ProfessorSillyStuff Sun 21-Jan-18 23:21:09

How would you feel if you knew your daughter felt like that? How would you help her? What would you tell her?
Love yourself like you love your daughter. Care for yourself as you would an innocent child (as we are all children inside). Be kind to yourself. You are just as awesome and important and worthy as anyone else.
You have bpd. You will likely always struggle to keep a job. I have had the same problem and I understand how it can feel. You should not feel bad though. You are not a neurotypical person choosing to be lazy. You are a bipolar person choosing to do their best! Your husband and daughter don't need treats. They need you to accept and love yourself.
What do you deem to be a better body? What do you like about your body, what would you change and why?

winner137 Mon 22-Jan-18 00:03:10

I have lots i want to say, but not sure how to word it without sounding patronising.

How old are you? Most people diagnosed with BPD no longer meet the criteria once they are older than 40. (so i have read).

Finding pleasure in doing something is more important than being good at it, with that in mind I thought back to my childhood and what i was passionate about at primary school. All I wanted was a piano and to be able to talk to ghosts.
I am now a member of the spiritualist church and have keyboard.

I have the same problem with jobs, so I have spent time setting up small businesses for people. By the time I am getting bored, its almost time to step back and allow the owner to build on what you have put together for them.

The answers are out there, you will find them. You can get past this.

ProfessorSillyStuff Mon 22-Jan-18 00:08:20

Wow winner137, that's a fantastic career path for someone with bpd! How inspiring that you were able to find a way to turn your weakness into a strength!

Catkins0877 Mon 22-Jan-18 00:08:37

I'm so sorry your statement about feeling broken really hits a cord worth me.been there worn that t shirt. I had no mother figure growing up and I have found in these situations if I behave towards myself the way I'd liked to have my mother behave towards me in able to be kinder to myself if that makes anysense

Catkins0877 Mon 22-Jan-18 00:10:50

Also you say you have a husband and a daughter.I was never really able to see stuff through and that left me feeling hopeless But I remind myself I saw my pregnancies through and last time I checked my kids were pretty awesome creations

Catkins0877 Mon 22-Jan-18 00:12:41

Finally on the money issue I agree whole hearty money makes things a lot easier but I have access to money and I still have problems and unhappy moments.My families happiest moments are very very rarely based around money if that helps. Hugs to u.xx

winner137 Mon 22-Jan-18 00:15:12

Thank you Professor, but in reality its not quite as good as it sounds. ive not done this for a few years years now as had a breakdown. It seems that many with Bpd or similar fall apart in middle age, i mentioned it to show that its possible to turn a negative into a positive, particularly for people with BPD as they seem to specialise in thinking "out of the box".

I should have mentioned in my post that the difficulty with BPD is actually building a sense of identity as an adult, when most start the process as a small child. Google is your friend for self help guidence.

winner137 Mon 22-Jan-18 00:23:36

so sorry ive not really answered your post hungryhippo. Im blaming codine.

I will come back to you tomorrow when i can find a way of expressing what i want to say without seeming patronising or invalidating.

You are not a bad person and you can do this.

hungryhippo90 Mon 22-Jan-18 00:33:29

Professor, thank you, I couldn’t imagine my daughter feeling this way about herself though, she’s a wonderful person, but if she did for some reason feel this way, it would be my number one priority to make her see all the good that’s within her, I regularly do things like that for people, I try to be uplifting but I can’t really see anything to tell myself I’m good at, or qualities that I really have that are good if that makes any sense!
In regards to my body, I’ve put on weight to the point that I am doing quite a bit of damage to my health, we’re talking 10 stone- I know it’s doing damage to my health but it’s the one thing that I think I have control over, so I eat and eat. It’s quite messed up, I’ve had it confirmed I have health problems because of my weight which I thought would be a wake up call, but it hasn’t been.

hungryhippo90 Mon 22-Jan-18 00:42:53

Winner, sorry to hear you’re on codeine- I hope whatever the reason for taking it heals soon, hope it’s taking the pain away though (I gather codeines a painkiller?!)

I’m 27, so 40s still quite a way off yet. I’ve lived the same cycle since I was 16ish, as a younger teen I couldn’t wait for my life to start, but quite quickly I felt like the life had been drawn out of me, at the same time I lost all my confidence and belief in myself.

I’d really like to find something stable! You’ve given me hope that it’s not impossible. I keep thinking out of the box,but even then I feel like I have a trail of failures behind me. I’ve tried really hard, I crave a purpose, I feel like if kept a job I would have that to cling to as part of my identity.

I never really had anything I was passionate about when I was at school. I never had any hobbies really.... I didn’t know that was weird until I met my husband. Thank you

hungryhippo90 Mon 22-Jan-18 00:53:06

Thank you Catkins, to be honest the money thing is weird, we have money for extras and I’m going to sound stupid but I think it’s more of a worry that DH is providing so much, whereas I’m not, and I worry that there’s stuff like extra holidays they’d enjoy if I was better.

To be honest, I’m lucky that I have DH, I have no other support, no family except my dad who I’m not close to and I don’t really have friends if I look at it properly. My cleaner might have a cup of tea with me, I speak to the dog behaviouralist about how he is, and there’s a parent at the school who speaks to me. God that sounds quite sad don’t if!

I’m sorry you’ve also felt broken, did you ever make it past that feeling?

Maybe it’s a good idea to treat myself how I would treat someone else, I think I partially treat myself with annoyance because that’s what I grew up with.

Thanks x

Tomselleckhaskindeyes Mon 22-Jan-18 01:11:23

My understanding of bps is that it is quite serious and not resolved by a bit of cbt. It takes very intensive specialised therapy with a psychologist or psychiatrist. Many need access to a crisis resolution team to help deal with the peaks and troughs. You are dealing with a serious condition and probably need much more support than you are getting. I think you need to be ask to be referred to a specialist.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes Mon 22-Jan-18 01:14:25

Sorry OP I have given advice for borderline personality disorder? Or have you been diagnosed with bi polar?

Tomselleckhaskindeyes Mon 22-Jan-18 01:16:46

My advice still stands for both although the treatment is different.

hungryhippo90 Mon 22-Jan-18 01:29:44

Tom Selleck- borderline personality disorder- the support with mental health I’ve been given is a joke,

I was told that CBT would be my best bet, which I went through... that’s why I’m asking really because if I know what I need I’m sure I can source it even if it means going private.

Thanks.

RainbowQuilter Mon 22-Jan-18 01:54:45

For coping on a day to day level there is a thing called WRAP that has helped me, it stands for Wellness Action Recovery Plan and is aimed at practically figuring out what will help whether you're most well or so ill you're in hospital. [It comes up if you type it into google]. I did it first with a support worker that had been trained in it and that was much more helpful than doing it on my own, I am not good at figuring that stuff out left to my own devices. They are also the kind of thing that need updating every now and again.

The other thing I've been trying to do is something my counselor suggested. Each day journaling
- 3 good things that happened
- 3 things you like about yourself
- any affirmations/encouragement you feel like you wish someone would give you or that you feel like you need. Things like I am a good person, or I am doing well, or my partner loves me.

It is completely ok to repeat things and if you end up writing the same things you like about yourself every day that is ok, it just means they're getting reinforced.

It was almost impossible when I first started but it does help me feel better when I manage to do it and it has got easier.

The other thing that has helped me in the past is volunteering. Particularly volunteering in charity shops is pretty low stress if you find one with good people, and it got me out the house and around people doing something even if it was just steaming clothes free of winkles for an hour. I'm not well enough to do that at the moment, but it helped a lot when I was. Even if I wasn't working at a job it meant I still had something positive to say I was doing. They are also generally pretty relaxed about people not being able to make it in if they are having a bad day, or people needing to take a break and come back for a while. If you do pick a charity shop they can vary a bit, so if you try one and they aren't good, there may well be a better one out there. You also do not need to wait till they have a sign in the window asking for volunteers, that usually only happens when they are really desperate for them, but new volunteers are welcome most of the time.

The last one was also tied in to the final one, of finding people who are also in the same boat of not being able to work because of mental health problems or struggling with mental health. I feel less pressure and less like I'm broken when I talk to other people who understand what that is like and understand the stigma that is sometime attached to it.

These thing may or may not be for you, please don't feel any pressure.

You are also not the only one that comfort eats, I do that too.

Hidingtonothing Mon 22-Jan-18 01:54:48

What about EMDR therapy OP? If you google EMDR and borderline personality disorder there's loads of info about how it works. I obviously don't know enough to comment on whether it's appropriate in your case but worth checking out maybe flowers

Tomselleckhaskindeyes Mon 22-Jan-18 17:28:07

I very good psychologist will be able to use a range of techniques with you to help you. Psychotherapy being a type of counselling as these issues often start in early childhood. Have you seen an actual psychiatrist or did the GP refer you?

RainbowQuilter Mon 22-Jan-18 22:00:41

Psychologist can do counseling
counselors can also do counseling. It is usually more helpful if the person specialises in or has an understanding of your condition, although this is not always the case.
Psychiatrists mostly have responsibility for medication/drugs and you and usually refereed to them once your GP feels like it needs more experience with different drugs and their side effects to find something helpful.
GP may be able to refer you to the psychologist or psychiatrist, or to a specialist center and also help with checking in with you and support when medication is having side effects [either by listening to you about it or by giving you encouragement]. They help on a more day to day level.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes Mon 22-Jan-18 22:29:15

Psychiatrists will refer you to psychological therapies. They are usually the lead professional in these cases. Any personality disorder is hard to treat as there are not usually drugs that can help. However you could get treatment for the anxiety.

DaviesMum Mon 22-Jan-18 23:04:18

I feel my own life has parallels with you, OP. I too would love to rebuild myself, or at the very least, reboot myself.

My own work struggles, documented on here recently, represent the apex of my problems - I wish I had the courage to harm myself, because my life feels tormented and meaningless. I make a cry for help and then shy away or I pretend that it hasn't happened.

I wish we could both find our answers flowers

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