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To be annoyed that my DM won't help me out

(118 Posts)
duskmum Sun 21-Jan-18 21:33:01

Firstly I'll say I understand there is no obligation for my DM to help look after my DS when I'm at work but it has annoyed me.

When I said I was going back to work for 2 days she made it clear straight away that she would not help at all. Not half a day or full day or 2 days. She knows I struggled, I'm a single mum and childcare costs a fortune. All her friends who have grandchildren look after them when their kids are at work. They were all surprised when she said she wouldn't.

My Dsis last night said how shocked she was that she wouldn't and also said she can't believe she Doesnt really help me much. My DM no commitments and doesn't work. So AIBU to be a bit upset she won't help me.

RedHelenB Sun 21-Jan-18 21:34:48

Not really no. You say there is no obligation but you are acting as though there is!

silvousplaitmerci Sun 21-Jan-18 21:35:44

You're going to get people piling in here to say YABU but I know it must be frustrating and a bit annoying.

It sounds like she doesn't want to commit herself to something that she'll need to do for a long time.

Is she generally interested in your DC otherwise?

Lifeisabeach09 Sun 21-Jan-18 21:37:25

I'd be upset.
Sure, there's no obligation but what's the point of family if they can't help each other out?!

WhatIWantToKnow Sun 21-Jan-18 21:37:30

Tbh I would expect my DM to help too. Not out of obligation but out of wanting to help. Then again my DM had form to pretend to want because it made her look good so I'm not an expert.

Alienspaceship Sun 21-Jan-18 21:38:04

YANBU. Families should help each other whether it’s for illness, childcare etc etc.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sun 21-Jan-18 21:39:45

That’s disappointing, but it’s her call. Let’s hope she doesn’t ask much of you.

Notasperfectasallothermners Sun 21-Jan-18 21:39:59

I can never grasp why a dm wouldn't help out her dc regardless of their age.
Yanbu to be hurt.

YellowMakesMeSmile Sun 21-Jan-18 21:41:39

YABVU, your choice to have children so your responsibility to arrange childcare whilst you work. Given the few hours you're actually going to be doing them childcare isn't going to be that expensive. There are many ways to get childcare assistance and unless you're a very high earner two days isn't going to fund a child and an adult so maybe she thinks if you already have a nursery place you'll do more hours.

Maybe she simply doesn't want to commit, she had no say in you having a child so doesn't have to step up and provide the care.

SnowannaRainbow Sun 21-Jan-18 21:41:42

How old is your DS? Maybe she just doesn't feel that she has the energy to deal with a baby/toddler any more. Can you not get any tax credit help with the cost of a child minder?

IncyWincyGrownUp Sun 21-Jan-18 21:42:06

She made herself clear at the start, why would you be narked? It’s not her job to parent your offspring.

llangennith Sun 21-Jan-18 21:42:38

YANBU. I have looked after DGS10 since he was born and do more than most Grandparents but all those that I know do some childcare for their DGC. Some are still working full time or part time and some, like me, are retired. She’s under no obligation of course but I can’t understand why she just won’t.
Put it behind you and see if it might be better to return to work when your DS is older, and enjoy being at home with him for now. And when you do go to work find a childminder so you don’t need your mother.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 21-Jan-18 21:43:23

YANBU. When you sign up for kids you sign up for GCs. Im not saying she should have the kids every bloody night while you're out on the razz, but ffs A few days a week to help you while you're out earning an honest living isn't going to hurt her, is it. She must know child care doesn't come cheap.
I don't buy that either. She's brought up get kids so had my mum and my nan, but. They were still very involved in caring for their grand children. I had a friend who had to pay her mum to mind her daughter.
Fancy wanting paying to spend time with your grandchildren. It should be an absolute pleasure. Some people are fuckin weird. Thats all I can say.

whiningandwining Sun 21-Jan-18 21:43:47

I really don't want to sound unkind, but I think you are being a little unreasonable. It's a massive commitment to look after someone else's children / child every week. It's a commitment that can't be broken.

My own parents offered when I went back there work, and although I was hugely grateful, I declined. They have now retired after working bloody hard their whole life, and I want them to enjoy it.

They're brilliant grandparents and have a great relationship with their grandson, which I think might have been compromised if they'd done childcare. Trying to agree on the way you do things can be tough.

Ultimately, they've done their child rearing and shouldn't have to do it again!

Redsrule Sun 21-Jan-18 21:45:11

I am not a grandparent yet, and not likely to be for years, but after a lifetime of bringing up 3DC and full time teaching I am looking forward to retirement as an opportunity to be spontaneous about my daily plans. Childcare is a big commitment.

Pearlsaringer Sun 21-Jan-18 21:45:35

There was a recent thread on here written from a DGM’s perspective. Perhaps someone can link?

m0therofdragons Sun 21-Jan-18 21:46:57

Wow, I find the assumption grandparents will do childcare really bizarre. My parents were still running a business when I had dd1 and dtds. They now have occasional sleep overs and dd1 is almost 10 so dm seems to want more time with her as in a few years she will be less keen to hangout with her gps but my focus is encouraging a good relationship between them rather than covering childcare. Obviously it helps if dm can help but I never assume.

I want dm and df to spend time with my dc because they want to rather than out of obligation. Tbh they're much more generous with their time now as 1) they're retired and 2) dc are 9 and 6 so much easier than toddler years.

Mrskeats Sun 21-Jan-18 21:48:36

I can’t be doing with this mumsnet mantra that grandparents should in no way be expected to help with grandchildren. I find it weird. Surely family members help each other when they can?
I hope she doesn’t need any help as she gets older then op. Yanbu op esp as you are a single parent. I could never watch my child struggle if I could help.

user1474652148 Sun 21-Jan-18 21:49:55

It is her choice not to help. It is her choice not to make life a little easier for you.
It's your choice what you do with her lack of interest and support.
Support works two ways in families. If she doesn't wish to help you when you need her most, find a solution that works for you and know that you are now under no obligation to see her/ spend time with her or help her now or in the future. That's your choice to make.

Crumbs1 Sun 21-Jan-18 21:50:49

I’m afraid it’s her absolute right. She is under no obligation to assist by committing to child care. It’s entirely your responsibility (well the fathers too - can he or the other girl grandparents help?)
Get yourself proper reliable childcare sorted and don’t let it destroy your relationship.

duskmum Sun 21-Jan-18 21:52:44

I understand where people are coming from saying I'm being unreasonable. Maybe I am a bit. Just a bit upsetting. I've had a tough year and so thought she would maybe even have him half a day. Even if I ask if she can have him for 2 hours while I go to a medical appointment or something it feels like a huge ask.

She's 50 and her and my DF still go out partying together and with friends. She hasn't worked since before I was born. I understand she's brought me and my sis up and she didn't have much help from outside but she had my DF to help. She adores her GS so they do have a good bond. When I tell other people my DM doesn't help me with childcare they sound quite surprised

londonista Sun 21-Jan-18 21:53:10

I can't imagine that I'd stand by and watch my single mum daughter struggle if I had it it my power to help her out. Have you got form for taking the piss, OP? If not then I can only assume she either doesn't notice that you need help or doesn't think it's her place to help.

CurlsandCurves Sun 21-Jan-18 21:54:53

It’s a tough one. But I’d never ever assume that my parents would take on any childcare. They’ve never offered, I’ve always asked and thankfully they’ve always said yes.

When I was full time I only asked a day of them. Because at the heart of it I wanted them to want to be with my kids, not feel obliged to. I’m sure they’d have done more if I’d asked but I just didn’t feel right asking.

And from a selfish point of view, if they’ve been looking after my kids all week, and we get the chance to go out on a night at the weekend, I can hardly ask them to look after them yet again!

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sun 21-Jan-18 21:55:45

You say she adores her GS. Reading between the lines and full apologies if I'm wrong, but It seems like she makes more of him, which is massively unfair and bound to cause resentment. Does she look after her grandson

Glumglowworm Sun 21-Jan-18 21:57:05


You chose to have a child, it’s your (and the baby’s father’s) responsibility to pay for it. I’m guessing your circumstances have changed as you’re now a single Mum, but that’s not your mums fault.

A weekly commitment, even just half a day, is a big deal, especially since it would be expected to last at least until the child goes to school or even longer depending on your working hours. It’s far better for her to say upfront now that she doesn’t want to commit to that, than for you to make arrangements and then have her back out.

Yes, lots of grandparents provide childcare. But also lots don’t, at least not on a regular basis. Many grandparents will still be working full time. Many people move away from their hometown for university or work so aren’t local enough for parents to do childcare regularly. Many people have lost one or both parents (the number of people my age - early thirties - that I know who have lost at least one parent is scary).

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