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To not let my 17 year old back in the home?

(235 Posts)
TakeMeToTheUSA Sun 21-Jan-18 10:05:30

17 year old son has been going off the rails for years, lying, stealing, drug taking, fighting. His father and I broke up when he was 2. I'm now remarried and my husband has really tried with him (for 6 years) but it's all too much. DH has to lock his coat in the cupboard on a night time otherwise his wallet gets raided. DS1 wants a lock in his bedroom door as all his stuff keeps going missing. We have to take the door keys to bed with us on a night otherwise he sneaks his dodgy mates into the house in the early hours. He doesn't work or go to college or do anything other that take drugs.

I have tried to seek help, I've contacted social services, the police, connections, drug support, mental health team - nobody will help me.

Anyway earlier in the week he asked to borrow some change for the bus. I went to my bag where I knew I had some money and it had gone. He denied all knowledge. I questioned myself but deep down I knew he'd taken it.

Anyway it came to a head last night when I went to bed and intuition told me to check my bedside table where I had an envelope containing £100 from my 84 year old grandmother. It was money she was planning to leave me when she died but instead decided to give it out while she's still here so she can seems spend it. It had gone. DS was at his dads at the time so I messaged him asking why he'd taken it and did he realise he'd stolen my inheritance money from my one surviving grandparent? Yes he fucking knew because the envelope said exactly what it was. He just didn't give a shit.

I'm so hurt. I feel like I don't even like him anymore and have told him to not come back here and that he no longer lives here. I've also told his dad what he's done and told him not to bring him back.

I do not want him here anymore. The kid has caused me years of misery and stress and I'm done.

AIBU to simply decide now that he no longer lives here?? I simply cannot cope with him anymore and no fucker will help me so I'm throwing in the towel.

TheUglyFive Sun 21-Jan-18 10:08:29

Call the police, that's theft. Perhaps it will be the wake up call he needs.

I would say kick him out, but actually, I'd say ask for support and keep him - there's a really problem with homelessness at the moment (and I am currently classed as homeless), and to be honest, I don't think asshole teenage behaviour should be adding to it.

What ways do you think you can keep him at home, can you ask for more support from the places you've contact and say he's now at risk of being homeless, and, ideally what would you want to happen if he did stay at home?

FucksBizz Sun 21-Jan-18 10:09:39

Sorry you're going through this flowers
I have no idea about the legalities of it, as he's 17 I don't know if you actually can throw him out, aren't they our responsibility until their 18? I could be totally wrong though, I'm no expert.

How did he react when you told him?

dreamingofsun Sun 21-Jan-18 10:10:08

takeme so sorry to read your post. I have boys of a similar age. Are there any support groups you can join? reading your post it seemed to me that you would value talking to people in the same situation as you and whilst you may get some help on here if there is a face to face group near you it would help. i wish you must be very hard and painful.

Allthewaves Sun 21-Jan-18 10:10:13

It's his dad's turn to step up.

Vickers0009 Sun 21-Jan-18 10:11:33

OP, you are not being unreasonable. You sound stressed out, can he stay with his father for a while?

TakeMeToTheUSA Sun 21-Jan-18 10:12:37

He said "sorry, don't make a big thing of it, I'll pay it back soon".

I've told his father to keep him. Surely if I'm obliged to keep him so is his father? Although his father doesn't want him because he's got himself a new young girlfriend and she wouldn't be happy.

I'm starting to feel like I would rather do a runner and leave everything behind rather than have him back. My husband will end up leaving me at this rate anyway.

AJPTaylor Sun 21-Jan-18 10:12:52

He has another parent so you are not making him homeless. Change the locks, tell him and his Dad enough is enough.

demirose87 Sun 21-Jan-18 10:15:01

This sounds awful, bless you. But what another poster said, I think you might be legally responsible for him till he's 18. Sorry, no experience of this.

Annechristmas Sun 21-Jan-18 10:15:04

Have you posted about this before. If it is you then I think you've done all you can and it's his dad's turn.

FucksBizz Sun 21-Jan-18 10:15:39

He has another parent so you are not making him homeless. Change the locks, tell him and his Dad enough is enough.

I second this.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger Sun 21-Jan-18 10:16:36

Tell his dad to parent him for a while.

TakeMeToTheUSA Sun 21-Jan-18 10:17:24

That's what I've done but his dad is ignoring his messages and will return him at 3pm as usual as though nothing has happened. I feel trapped. Maybe I should call the police and report the theft? Will give me back up to have it on record maybe?

onalongsabbatical Sun 21-Jan-18 10:18:19

Time for his dad to step up and you to have a rest. You've done everything you can, it seems to me - you're not making him homeless, he's at his dad's and your saying he has to stay there. If his dad doesn't let him, knowing you have set a boundary now, it would be his dad making him homeless. As for dad's new gf, she's with a man who has parental responsibilities - her choice.

StereophonicallyChallenged Sun 21-Jan-18 10:18:59

Keep putting the responsibility back on to his father. No reason why you should be in this state while he's got two living parents.

TiredMumToTwo Sun 21-Jan-18 10:19:17

Yes, time for his Dad to step up & share the load. Can you meet up with his Dad to agree / discuss what needs to happen?

FissionChips Sun 21-Jan-18 10:19:49

YANBU, let his dad deal with it.

onalongsabbatical Sun 21-Jan-18 10:22:58

Cross post. You need to be tough. His dad can't return him if the doors are locked and you don't open them - or change locks. And yes, police, report the theft and the ongoing thefts. I don't know enough about what the effect of that would be, but it's what I'd do. Maybe someone more knowledgeable can say something on this aspect?

TakeMeToTheUSA Sun 21-Jan-18 10:23:09

My eldest son is a dream. He's currently in London touring museums and hanging out with politicians at Westminster. So I managed to do well with one of them, I can't be that shit as a parent can I? It's just him. He's always been like this. Even as a small child he was constantly excluded from school for bad behaviour. I've dealt with him on my own for 15 years. I've had angry fathers banging on my door saying he's bullied their kid, angry mothers telling me he's made lewd comments about their daughter. Teachers telling me he's un teachable. All my money and processions going missing. Violence, lying, drugs. I simply cannot do it anymore. I'd rather be arrested for child neglect and put in prison.

Ohmyfuck Sun 21-Jan-18 10:27:27

Change the locks and report him to the police. I'm sad for you. He's completely disrespectful. He's gone too far. X

BarbarianMum Sun 21-Jan-18 10:27:43

Definitely call the police and report the theft. The one thing you can do now is ensure your ds feels the consequences of his actions, ideally by having to stay with his dad but certainly but understanding that theft= police.

I have lived this situation OP , 30 years ago with my brother. It ended badly for us, mostly because of my dad's refusal to lay down any clearly boundaries. He has done love and forgiveness for 30 years and bloody hell have we all paid for it, my brother most of all. sad

There is no official help to be had for your ds, unless he wants help and even then it's limited. But there may be some local support groups for you.

BewareOfDragons Sun 21-Jan-18 10:29:17

I would tell him he can't come back. Change the locks.

Let his dad know he's welcome to take him in.

Call the police about the missing money. Have him charged.

Moonfacebiggins Sun 21-Jan-18 10:30:25

Hi I'm so sorry to hear you and your family are having a horrible time. I would want to try and understand the reasons behind the behaviour. In your original post you say that you and your ex husband split when your son was quite young maybe this has caused him to feel angry towards you? Maybe he has felt insecure and unsettled? I am not saying this is the case or you have done anything wrong and this does not excuse the behaviour at all! Unless you can get to the root of his behaviour though you cannot start to deal with it. I would recommend family counselling.

It sounds like you need a third party who is not involved to talk and delve into what is behind his destructive behaviour.

FucksBizz Sun 21-Jan-18 10:32:04

I agree with @BewareOfDragons.

Have you posted about your son before OP? A lot of this seems familiar

TakeMeToTheUSA Sun 21-Jan-18 10:32:09

I've tried all that, I had a school psychologist work with him and they said he just lacked discipline. He won't engage with family councelling.

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