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to say we need to treat this as a loan?

(153 Posts)
FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes Sun 21-Jan-18 08:39:21

So after a really rough year of basically haemorrhaging money we have now found we have to replace our car after a (not my fault) accident.

on our own, our only option would be a very old and not really ideal replacement due to funds.

my DPs have said they were planning on giving us a sum of money as a nest egg anyway this year, they are giving it to us early so we can now use that to replace the car with something safe and newer.

So we started looking for the best option for us. the ideal option would max out the nest egg. which is fine, DPs are happy that we do this and DH is ok about it now he can see how perfect this choice is for what we need (primarily my car as SAHM to many DC!).

So we start looking (my DPs looking too as DF is much more car savy than me!!). Turns out that it will be really hard to get what we want for our budget. So DPs have now said, so what, we are buying it for you anyway. Likely this will cost £2-3K more than the nest egg they were planning to give us.

I feel uncomfortable about this - feels very 'entitled' (to use a MN favourite) that they were giving us a large sum of money and i feel like i have hinted/asked for more by choosing a car right at the top/just out of the budget. (i didn't ask or hint at all, it just feels that way and I really thought we could get what we wanted in the budget)

So tried to say no and DPs say "its our money we can do what we like with it and we're buying it for you". They also mentioned how shaken my DM was about the accident as all the DC were in the car too etc etc (we are all fine) and that their priority was to see their DD and DGCs in a safe and reliable car.

DH doesnt see the problem, agrees its their money and that we should just say thank you.

I feel that i can be as stubborn as my DF and I while i can't stop him spending it, we can add it to a loan we already have from them which would only cost us £10 a month to add it on.

So as not to drip-feed: we are very close with my DPs, see them several times a week, very active and involved grandparents etc etc. they are comfortably well off (early retirement with no downgrade in living standards/holiday etc) so i know they have the money to spend with no issue. They take us on holiday as we cant afford it etc. In contrast, DH's parents are at best disinterested and at worse toxic and have never been any form of support - emotional or financial to us. I admit that this is colouring my view that it is always my DPs helping us out and being involved.

So, sorry for the essay but WIBU? Me for not just accepting gracefully, or DP for being quite happy to accept extra (again) from my DPs while his ignore us.

tissuesosoft Sun 21-Jan-18 08:41:55

For me personally, I would see the nest egg amount as a gift and I would put anything on top of that as a loan

MrsMozart Sun 21-Jan-18 08:42:06

Would you do it for your DC or would you consider it to be a loan?

FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes Sun 21-Jan-18 08:42:49

mrsMozart if we could do it for our DCs of course we would.

RedHelenB Sun 21-Jan-18 08:42:52

YABU say yes graciously and be glad you have such helpful.parents.

Lj8893 Sun 21-Jan-18 08:43:53

You say you need to spend 2-3k more than the nest egg but surely you can get a decent car for 2-3k? But then I don't know how much the nest egg is.

My car cost me £700 and is the most reliable car I have ever owned.

BendingSpoons Sun 21-Jan-18 08:44:04

Assuming they can afford it, then accept gratefully. Entitled is an attitude rather than literally taking the money. You don't think they should buy it for you but are pleased if they do. It's quite normal (maybe less on MN!) for parents who can afford it to help out their adult children. By all means propose the loan option to them but if they are still keen to pay it all, say thank you!

FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes Sun 21-Jan-18 08:44:15

redhelen i know how lucky we are to have my DPs - they are amazing in every way. I just don't want to inadvertently take advantage.

babyccinoo Sun 21-Jan-18 08:44:56

How much is the car? Is it new or second hand?

I would look for a cheaper car if possible that is in budget, but if not, I would text or email DP's thanking them for the extra £2/3k and that you will be adding £10pm to the loan you owe them to pay the extra back.

When you start paying the extra back, if they refuse to accept the extra £10 pm, then I wouod thank them gracefully.

MrsMozart Sun 21-Jan-18 08:45:03

Fitz in that case you've answered your own question m'duck.

Say thank you to your parents and enjoy your new car smile

QforCucumber Sun 21-Jan-18 08:46:18

How much exactly is the car? Your op makes it sound like a lot of money to be spending - also, is the insurance not covering some level of cost?

FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes Sun 21-Jan-18 08:46:41

Lj there are reasons that would be too outing to explain why we need a specific type of vehicle to make day to day life much easier. suffice to say we can't get this for £700!!

SprogletsMum Sun 21-Jan-18 08:48:08

If my parents offered this to me I would say thank you and enjoy my new car.
They're your parents and they've offered, surely a grateful thank you is all that's needed.

Bazzle Sun 21-Jan-18 08:49:13

Oh gosh if they are happy then just accept it graciously, what real reason is there not too?! They sound wonderful parents smile

KalaLaka Sun 21-Jan-18 08:50:06

It's not your DP's fault for having crappy parents. He probably finds it easier to accept this gift as he has never had similar support from his parents and is enjoying having nice parents-in-law.

EatTheChocolateTeapot Sun 21-Jan-18 08:50:29

I would go with a second hand car and keep as much as the nest egg as possible, I wouldn't be without savings as you never know what the future holds.

FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes Sun 21-Jan-18 08:51:12

Q it is a lot - because we need a particular type to make life so much easier (they dont make my old car anymore) and DPs want us in a newer, much safer vehicle than the write off value can buy.

once we started looking into it properly we discovered what we couldn't get what we needed for that budget. we thought that we could originally.

we could buy the same as our old one but it would be as old as the write off one with over 100k on the clock already as they now longer make them and DPs dont want us in a car that old (neither do i to be honest, i'd had mine 10 years so knew the shape it was in etc)

Lj8893 Sun 21-Jan-18 08:51:13

Fair enough.

In that case I would say to your dps that you are adding the excess to your loan at £10 a month and if they refuse then accept it as a gift graciously. Your dps sound a lot like mine, we are very lucky!

Bazzle Sun 21-Jan-18 08:52:28

Lj8893 - she's not asking for advice on how much she should spend on a car! 🤔

guinnessguzzler Sun 21-Jan-18 08:52:46

Just take the money and express your gratitude. The relationship you describe does not suggest any major issues to be likely. You are their daughter, they love you and don't want to see you struggling. They want to help and they can help. Let them.

Jenala Sun 21-Jan-18 08:52:50

Are you buying a brand new car? It's such a waste of money if so. You can get nearly new cars (talking 20k odd miles if not less) for so much less as you basically lose £££ the moment you drive a new car off the forecourt.

FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes Sun 21-Jan-18 08:53:00

mrsmozart you make it sound really simple!! i feel greedy! (and at the same time i really want this car as it will be so perfect for us!)

Bazzle Sun 21-Jan-18 08:54:26

Why so many nosy people concerned with the cost of the car?!

QueenArnica Sun 21-Jan-18 08:54:28

Unless there’s a back story of your parents being controlling or opinionated on how you spend your money, I would gracefully accept their kind offer and be thankful I had such wonderful parents!

This is exactly the kind of parents dh and I will be when are kids have left home. Good luck with the car hunting!

FitzFoolFoveverInTheNighteyes Sun 21-Jan-18 08:54:32

jenala it's not new. will be about 4-5 years old.

they have just done so much for us and i feel i should be a self supporting adult by now!! which i am day to day, just not so much when a string of unforseen expenses come in a row!!

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