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To not give in to wedding guests demands

(330 Posts)
14spanner Sun 21-Jan-18 03:36:44

This may seem trivial but I can’t sleep due to the cheeky fuckery here.

DP are getting married in August. It is a very small wedding with only 12 guests (all family apart from my bridesmaid & her husband).

We have hired a cottage for the full weekend for the celebrations and intended it to be more like a family weekend away than a wedding.

Due to the small number of people the cottage could accommodate I have been unable to invite my brother who lives overseas. although he is upset he has been completely understanding. The venue has been booked since 2016.

In December DP’s sister announced that her and her partner were unhappy at being allocated a twin ensuite room at the cottage so to avoid drama I moved my bridesmaid and her DH into the twin so SIL and partner could have the double (not ensuite but with a dedicated bathroom directly opposite).

Last night I received a text asking if they could be moved to an ensuite room as her DP simply ‘couldn’t live without one’ and he won’t be attending unless he gets one.

My DP and I aren’t even staying in an ensuite room or even in the main cottage with the other guests. we have taken a room in the coach house as we thought putting guests away from the main house would make them feel unwelcome.

DP and I are paying for everything, cottage hire, caterers, cars, entertainment, drinks etc. All people need to do is turn up, eat, drink & be merry. We have requested cards only (no gifts).

WIBU to tell this guy not to come and move SIL into a twin room with another family member. This would mean I could invite my brother.

DP and I have met this guy twice.

My DP is going round to his mums later where SIL will be. I would like a resolution today so if you lovely vipers could help me with how to respond to the request I’d be most grateful.

Zampa Sun 21-Jan-18 03:44:33

Because you accommodated the earlier request, he's pushing it. However, I don't think you can un-invite SIL's partner.

I think you can tell them to lump it in relation to the room and if he then decides not to come, it's their look out. I'd put a deadline on the decision so you can invite your brother along.

If SIL does come with her partner, could your brother not stay somewhere else locally?

CircleofWillis Sun 21-Jan-18 03:44:37

I would definitely suggest he doesn’t come and have your brother instead. Outrageous entitled behaviour from someone who is not even a friend or family member.

Pinkbedsheets Sun 21-Jan-18 03:46:57

Yes I would do that. Invite your brother. You’ve changed your plans around for him enough and he’s ungrateful, also if DP’s sister decides she doesn’t want to come also,it sounds like she’d be doing you a favour.

Somersetter Sun 21-Jan-18 03:48:32

I wouldn't tell him not to come but would politely explain you're unable to swap rooms around again and see what they see. If he says he's not coming as s result then no loss quite frankly.

However the more pressing issue is your brother - is he not invited to the wedding at all or is he invited but staying elsewhere? I really think you need to invite him unless there's a backstory to this?

RavenclawRealist Sun 21-Jan-18 03:58:40

I don't think you can uninvite him as such! Well I guess it's your wedding you can do what you want but to avoid a potential fallout I think it would seem rude!
I think you can be clear and firm in his options through
Option 1 twin room with ensuite
Option 2 double without
If neither of those meet his approval you understand and regret he won't be able to make it (I know you won't but to keep the peace) you will reallocate his place as obviously they can understand such small number means you have had to leave people out. Thank him for letting you know and move on!
You get to appear perfectly reasonable and He may even be secretly grateful as it seems to me like he is looking for an excuse!

NoKnownFather Sun 21-Jan-18 03:59:40

^ What they said! How rude of this person dictating what they want. Enjoy the time with your brother.

AstridWhite Sun 21-Jan-18 03:59:55

Your SIL and her partner are being spoilt and outrageously rude.

Tell her 'Fine. We understand. Never mind, I guess we'll be seeing you on your own then.'

Move her wherever the hell you like. The cupboard under the stairs sounds good to me.

What I don't understand though, is why you didn't just book a cottage big enough to accommodate your brother in the first place. It does seem a bit off to say 'sorry DB, I'd love to have you at my family wedding but we've chosen a house that won't have space for you.' confused

Surely you decide on the priority guest list first and choose the house around the numbers, not the other way around? If I were your DB I'd be a bit miffed at a last minute invitation on the basis that someone's boyfriend has pulled out. hmm

tiddlyipom Sun 21-Jan-18 04:06:02

I can't get over that your brother hasn't been invited, sorry.
I would be so hurt if one of my siblings left me out of their wedding celebrations.
To answer your question, make it clear that the rooms have been allocated and can't be changed, perhaps SIL and her partner could find alternative accommodation if they're not happy.

SilverBirchTree Sun 21-Jan-18 04:08:41

Wait, why not invite your brother?

Yes, they are being so so rude, but don’t link their CF request with your brother’s absence, that was your decision.

eggncress Sun 21-Jan-18 04:09:02

I would say that as you have already changed arrangements for him once you can’t do so again as you feel it will be mucking the other guests about.
If he/ they say they are not coming,so be it.
Definitely see if you can invite your brother somehow.. he is family and this other bloke isn’t.

HuskyMcClusky Sun 21-Jan-18 04:14:33

You can’t uninvite him, that would be rude. You can politely tell your fiancé’s sister that that’s the only option, as you’ve already changed rooms for them once.

I’m gobsmacked that you didn’t invite your brother, though! shock

14spanner Sun 21-Jan-18 04:15:15

Thanks for the responses, I’ll get DP to say we are unable to swap rooms and leave the ball in their court.

Brother is not invited at all, he has a young family and his wife will not travel over here (significant distance) and he wouldn’t bring the children so he would be away from his family for a long time. He has recently been made redundant too so I need to make sure he doesn’t feel pressured to book a flight.

This is my second marriage, DB played a big part in the first one.

When I say not invited it sounds awful doesn’t it? DB and I have spoken and he fully understands.

Doobigetta Sun 21-Jan-18 04:15:55

It does seem really odd not to book somewhere with enough room for your immediate family. Was that really the reason for not inviting your brother, or were you given him an excuse not to need to travel? Definitely don't give in to the boyfriend's demands. But if SIL comes on her own, you still won't have room- unless you're thinking she and your brother will share a room?

14spanner Sun 21-Jan-18 04:19:11

She would share a twin room with her mum and my brother would have her double

HuskyMcClusky Sun 21-Jan-18 04:20:56

Due to the small number of people the cottage could accommodate I have been unable to invite my brother who lives overseas. although he is upset

^ This sounds different to your update. Weird.

MrsDilber Sun 21-Jan-18 04:21:11

I wouldn't give them the option raven says. I'd TELL them where you want to put them and explicitly say, if he doesn't want to come on the back of it, please let me know by .... give a specific date and say you'll assume he's not coming unless you hear otherwise.

I would not mention your brother at this point, as they'll think you're doing it to get your brother in, rather than because they're taking the piss, which they are.

Somersetter Sun 21-Jan-18 04:22:31

But I thought your brother can't afford the flight? I'm confused...

Fionne Sun 21-Jan-18 04:23:17

OP, I would just say to SIL that it’s not possible to make anymore changes due to the configuration of the cottage and you’ll leave it to her and her partner to do what they think is for the best.

LolitaLempicka Sun 21-Jan-18 04:23:29

But to not invite him? I live overseas and my family leave me out of everything. It is shit.

14spanner Sun 21-Jan-18 04:28:12

Oh shit. I’ve really messed up haven’t I.

Bowerbird5 Sun 21-Jan-18 04:28:32

Agree tell them you can't keep swapping other people around. The other option is they can stay in the coach house but will have to fund it themselves. This would also free up a room for DB.

I would be tempted to just say " Fine!" To the text and leave him out. What a Prima Donna!

Hope you have a lovely day and that your brother can come he sounds like he wants to come.

HoppingPavlova Sun 21-Jan-18 04:30:05

I just can’t get past the lack of invite to DB. Surely if his personal circumstances are such that he can’t attend he would decline the invitation and you would fully understand. As opposed to you haven’t invited him but it’s okay, he understands which is what you have said. Just can’t get past this aspect, it’s baffling.

As for the other just tell the person that’s their room, take it or leave it and if they leave it then fine. Then you will have room to invite your brother ............ who probably can’t attend anyway but at least will get an invite ........

Somersetter Sun 21-Jan-18 04:34:49

If you really think you've messed up, get on the phone to your brother today - say 'I
"I've messed up - I didn't invite you because of redundancy / flights / etc but now I wish I had as I really want you there. Will you still come? I'll figure something out with the accommodation."

Do not wait until SIL's partner drops out otherwise it looks like your brother's s back-up just making up the numbers.

14spanner Sun 21-Jan-18 04:42:05

I hadn’t even thought of asking him to come but with him staying elsewhere (nearby)

I’m such a twat

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