Aibu to think he is a cf?

[Frouby]

Dd is 13. I split with her dad when she was tiny, about 4 months old due to emotional, financial and physical abuse. He is a cunt.

However he has maintained a relationship with dd for the last 12 years. He took me to court (twice) for contact mainly as a way to continue punishing me. This contact has been eow until last march. Dd decided she no longer wanted to see him. This was 100% her decision. I have supported her decision. She made it because he was getting arsey over meeting her in town rather than me dropping her at her dads or my mums. It meant he had to find his busfare home (£1.50) as she refused to walk as it was about 4 miles all up hill.

I suspect this has been coming for a while. He won't work, makes littlw effort with dd and I don't think he has been very nice to her.

Anyway. Last year before she stopped going she told me she had spoken to her grandfather for the first time. Her dad has been NC with him for as long as I can remember but was very ill so had made contact. He died a short time later. He sent dd some belated birthday money in a card and her dad recieved some money when he died too. I don't know how much. Dd said it was a lot but I assume maybe a few hundred rather than thousands. She says he gambled it all away. Not my circus not my monkeys.

My dmum has told me that he has been in touch with her and asked for a copy of dds birth certificate. Apparently because his dad died of an illness related to mining his family is entitled to make a claim for compensation via the mining authority and because they are from Scotland this includes dd.

Dd never met this man. She hasn't been upset or missed out on a relationship with him because of his early death. She certainly hasn't suffered financially.

I have told my mum that if he calls again for the birth certificate to say I have lost it and dd isn't interested. I am going to discuss it with dd but I am pretty sure she won't be interested in benefiting financially from his death.

But aibu to think that this is in pretty bad taste? His immediate family, especially his wife of course are entitled to the compensation. I am not sure my ex is morally entitled to money from the death of his father who he hadn't spoken to for at least 15 years and wasn't financially dependent on. But that's up to him. Aibu in not facilitating dd from benefiting from the death of this man? Of course her father might just get a copy of her birth certificate himself and make a claim on her behalf but I can't stop that. I can't see dd wanting it anyway and would imagine if her father has access he will spend it anyway.

Sorry it's long. Didn't want to drip feed.

[Lucylululu]

I definitely wouldn't give it to him!

[MissionItsPossible]

No YANBU. If he does manage to get it of his own accord then he does but at least you are not a part of it.

[MiddleClassProblem]

Why were he and his father nc?

If his father was abusive to him you could see why he wanted compensation money. Just to take whatever he could from someone who fucked him up, for the same reason that many wouldn’t take it.

If it was because his dad wouldn’t support his dodginess then you can see why he would want the money because he just wants money to gamble away etc.

I’m not sure I understand the daughter bit. Do they get a larger sum of there are more relatives to claim for?

You would assume this claim is coming from his wife anyway and she contacted your ex about it or do you think he’s doing it without her knowledge?

[MiddleClassProblem]

Also, can he not just order his own copy of her bc? I know he prob doesn’t want to pay but at the end of the day he can do this and as you said, “not your monkeys”

[MrsPicklesonSmythe]

Don’t get involved. He can get a copy if the birth cert himself if he’s that desperate.

[ivykaty44]

He can just order s copy of the birth certificate- as could I, it’s a public document and cost £10.50 to order a copy.

The GRO wouldn’t even question why he wants the certificate

But if your dd is awarded money from this - surely that would be kept for your dd until she is 18 and given to her - this is the case with insurance claims in England and Wales, as it’s not the parents money and the dc parent doesn’t get to decide either a judge does

Best to make sure this money is set aside for your dd till she’s 18 when she can decide not your and her dad

If your dd doesn’t want the money then that’s her choice and she can give it back etc

[Quartz2208]

Does he want your daughter money or does he want to claim money for your daughter

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Do NOT give it to him, he may use it for other purposes.

[WhendoIgetadayoff]

Tell your mum to tell he can get himself from registry. Assuming he’s named on it he can get it and he can pay for it. He’s being lazy and if you give him yours and don’t get back it’s you that will need to for another copy when you need it for something.

[FinallyHere]

As a PP pointed out, birth certificates are a matter of the public record, anyone who pays the fee can obtain a copy, no need to be mentioned on the certificate. No need for you to provide a copy, though, let him apply and pay for it.

[Frouby]

I am not sure why he was NC with his father. He was also NC with his mother over something ridiculously minor. Hos mother has been ill for some time which he is aware of and doesn't care. I strongly suspect it was something similar with his father as ex has form for going NC if someone disagrees with him.

I am just going to leave him to it. I will mention it to dd to give her the option to contact him and discuss it but tell her I don't have a copy of her bc. I do but I don't want to facilitate this as I don't agree with it all.

If she had been financially dependent on her grandfather then maybe she would be making a claim. But she wasn't. Didn't even meet him. He didn't leave her anything in his will, she didn't expect or want anything. The money he sent in a card with a letter was a lovely surprise and she was sad he died just as she had spoken to her but that's as far as it goes.

And I don't want her dad claiming anything in her name because she is old enough to make her own decisions about whether she benefits financially from his death and I know she won't want to.

I am in contact via social media with her great aunt who lets me know how dds gran is. I think she is in touch with exs siblings. I might send her a message just saying he has asked for her BC, I am declining to give it as I (and dd) don't agree with it.

If he claims something he will try and use it as a hold over dd. Or get her to give him access. He has no way atm of contacting dd directly as she changed her phone number and didnt want him to have it. All contact goes via my dm and dd prefers it that way.

Will chat with dd tomorrow and see what she thinks and if she agrees with me just decline to provide the bc. He is named on it so can get a copy himself if he choses but I can't stop that.

[MiddleClassProblem]

He could get a copy even if he wasn’t named but I guess if he wasn’t then it would be useless for his claim anyway.

[laurzj82]

Speak to DD. I don't know how things with you are financially but that money could come in really handy when she is 18. The money would be paid into court so you and her dad couldn't access it anyway

[alotalotalot]

If he will claim on her behalf and then spend it all, I'd be tempted to put all principles aside and make sure that DD gets the money rather than her father. She may not want it but why should her father benefit instead? It will be most useful when she is older.

It would be different if there would be no claim at all.

[youwouldthink]

If your ex makes a claim on your DD's behalf it would remain in trust for her till she reaches 18. So maybe have a chat with him to see what he is doing.

[Frouby]

I don't want to get involved in it. I really don't.

I don't know his family at all. The only 2 members we have any contact with is his mother and her sister (dds gran and great aunt). And we only have contact with them as we had his mums number on an old phone he gave dd as he has been NC with his mum for about 8 years. Dd was upset by it at the time and used to regularly speak to her on the phone while at her dads so I called her gran and spoke to her, gave her my contact details and said she was more than welcome to call dd at any time. Her sister found me on fb and added me as a friend when dds gran was ill so she could update me.

I want nothing to do with his family. Dd doesn't either. I certainly don't want to ask his mum or aunt for details to claim anything from the death of a man we had never met, who had no relationship with dd and who we never benefited financially from.

I doubt I would claim compensation if it were my mum who had died. I would help her claim anything she was entitled to but I wouldn't feel entitled to anything to compensate me as I have been financially independent since I was 18!

If it was a will he had left that had a legacy stating all his grandchildren were to get a specific amount and he was aware of her existence that would be fair enough.

But I don't want to claim something like this. It feels dishonest and grubby and I don't want dd to benefit financially from something like this.

I can't even argue that if he hadn't been ill he would have worked for longer and possibly have left her something in his will as his estate has passed to his wife (as it should) as far as I know with some cash left to his dcs. It's possible he left something for dd and her father has had it but as dd says herself she is no worse off. She is pretty level headed and not greedy at all. When her grandfather sent the money down she wanted to share it with her brother (half brother, mine and dps son) but I wouldn't let her and she spent half and banked half.

I know at 18 she will benefit from as much as possible saved but not money gained like this.

[alotalotalot]

Then yes, to answer your title he is a CF.

Lets hope he surprises you and hands over the money he claims on behalf of his DD. - Oh is that a pig I see flying past...

Let him do what he has to do but you don't have to make it easy for him and hand over the BC.

[Frouby]

I should add that the grandparents divorced some years ago and it was his second wife who inherited, not dds gran. Dds gran isn't well off at all (I don't think anyway), we've never met but I get the feeling things are tight financially for her.

I should also add that the gran sends dd money down the year. £100 for Christmas, same again on her birthday and £20 at easter. For the first few years she also sent dds dad his card to my address as she wanted to be sure he was receiving it as he wasn't speaking to her. I know (as dd was there when he opened his cards) that she used to send them £50 each but has doubled dds gift money as she no longer sends him cards. So dd feels she benefits financially from him being NC with his mum, which upsets her as she knows her gran is sad about it.

We do make a fuss as much as we can (she lives in scotland, we are in south yorkshire) of the gran. Dd regularly speaks to her, we send cards and letters and photos up etc. But dd would rather not get anything and her father and gran have a relationship as it would make the gran happy.

Sorry. It's all very complicated and I really don't want to have any involvement with any of it because it will only get more complicated. I haven't spoken to my ex for 11 years and it's part of the court ordered contact arrangement that he doesn't have my address or contact me for anything other than an emergency involving dd. He really is a vile man and I am glad dd has been brave enough to say she doesn't want to see him. She is a lot happier not going. A lot more confident and a lot more relaxed ao I don't want to give him any excuse for contacting her as it will open a can of worms. She doesn't even want him to have her new phone number.