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AIBU?

Should I reach out or wait? Brother just had his baby

55 replies

ziggymarl · 20/01/2018 13:58

Hey guys,

Need advice really.

Brother just had his baby the other day and after everything went well(thank god) they decided to text people to let everyone know.

Some b/g - I am also pregnant and not too far behind and suffering terribly from Hyperemesis, he or his wife hasn't once reached out to ask me how I am even though I always made sure I checked in with her on her pregnancy. The point I'm trying to make from this is that they seem to be in their own bubble of happiness which is totally understandable and I'm not that bothered that they haven't asked me.

However, when the baby was born they texted around and I heard this through the grapevine. I found it to be awkward that I wasnt told personally but regardless I sent a msg saying " Congrats! I heard the good news" etc...

Now my mum is badgering me and bollocking me as to why I am not rushing over to see them and that I'm being selfish, rude and being petty. And that other family have been around already and offering to do their food shops and cleaning etc...(other family being people who had received the text)

Am I in the wrong to want to wait for them to reach out to make it clear they would like people over? They haven't contacted me and I haven't felt close to them at all. With all the hormones, I do feel disheartened but I know that they are not wasting a minute worrying about me as they have a beautiful baby to think about! So why should I let my mum make me feel bad?

OP posts:

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ConciseandNice · 20/01/2018 14:02

You’re not in the wrong. You shouldn’t feel bad. I’d be waiting to be invited over too. Who wants people just coming round when you’ve got a new baby. It is weird that they didn’t let you know or add you in to multiuser emails. Is there anything else going on that would explain that?

Shineystrawberrylover · 20/01/2018 14:02

Maybe the midde ground? Model how you want them to treat you?
Send a card with a note to say congratulations and you wont go barging in but that you're looking forward to meeting your dn in person.

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2018 14:03

I think you’re being a bit childish to be honest. Just go and see then.

If they sent a text to lots of people, you probably got missed by accident unless you really think there was some reason they deliberately didn’t text.

Totally irrelevant but I don’t like your phrasing. You brother didn’t have his baby. His partner have birth.

SummerRains · 20/01/2018 14:04

I would tell her you are heavily pregnant and feeling very ill but if she would like to come and clean for you in the next few weeks you would be very thankful.

Bourdic · 20/01/2018 14:05

Brother misses out sister by accident?Really?

heardashot · 20/01/2018 14:05

Odd that they didn't let you know personally. Do they think they would be upsetting you or something as you are not so well? As for going to help them when you suffering from Hyperemesis, that is just silly. Send a note and say you'll be around to see the LO when they want visitors.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 20/01/2018 14:06

I assume your relationship is quite formal with your brother? If so just send a text that you’re looking forward to seeing baby, would it be possible to pop round in the coming weeks?

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2018 14:07

Brother misses out sister by accident?Really?

Unless there’s some actual bad feeling, that seems more likely that brother deliberately doesn’t text sister when baby is born.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/01/2018 14:09

Yeah there's clearly back story here. If my sister didn't tell me she had given birth I'd be wanting to know why. I was one of the first people to see dn in hospital and one of the first batch of people they contacted

KimmySchmidt1 · 20/01/2018 14:10

They are in the middle of pure unimaginable chaos and sleep deprivation, theycan probably barely remember their own names! Don’t romanticise it - they are not too goody with pleasure to remember you, they are too crazy and confused!

You are right to leave them for a week or so more and they will probs be grateful for you being more sensitive than other relatives imposing themselves! I’m due any day now and not letting anyone ‘pop round’ until I am good and ready and invite them.

Jassmells · 20/01/2018 14:10

They sound weird, did they maybe think you were stealing their thunder also being pregnant?

First of all don't rush round. Visitors are a pain in the ass when you've just had a baby you need a bit of privacy for a few days. Send a card/flowers/gift with a note saying when can I come and see you? Ball in their court.

Bellamuerte · 20/01/2018 14:11

Odd that they didn't text to let you know? Personally I wouldn't want all and sundry popping in to visit when I was recovering from having a baby! I'd probably just text congrats and ask them to let me know when they were accepting visitors.

TrinitySquirrel · 20/01/2018 14:12

Why didn't they text you? Do you not get on with your Brother?

expatinscotland · 20/01/2018 14:12

Nah, I wouldn't reach out.

jay55 · 20/01/2018 14:14

Buy a gift for the baby and message them to ask when would be convenient to drop it round.

Bratsandtwats · 20/01/2018 14:15

Just text him that you heard from others that his baby arrived and you are sending congratulations. Then leave the ball in his court.

Piffle11 · 20/01/2018 14:19

When my DSis had a baby her DH rang my DM and his DM and they passed on the message to siblings and other relatives. It never occurred to me to be bothered that I hadn't been told personally - and my DSis and I are close. There is clearly more to this. When I had my first DC I was in such a state: the birth was traumatic and exhausting and I was so sleep deprived that I would have struggled to remember my own name, let alone to make sure that other members of my family weren't feeling excluded. We didn't ring people to say 'ok, you can visit now' - people rang us to arrange a convenient time. If this situation is the only reason you are upset then I think you should contact them and arrange to go and see them and the baby ... if there is background/history, then you need to address that.

Shutupanddance1 · 20/01/2018 14:20

When I had my DD I phoned my mum to tell her and expected her to tell my siblings, I didn’t have time to be messing about texting people I didn’t need to - Unless you don’t usually have any relationship with him I think YABU.

Bluelady · 20/01/2018 14:20

Easy to accidentally leave someone out of a big text circulation list. I'd just text and ask them to let me know when they're ready for visitors and take a card and baby gift when they invite me. No need for drama.

ziggymarl · 20/01/2018 14:23

There isn't anything wrong with us. It's like somebody said, just formal. I don't think it's personal I've been missed out. Things happen, but if I'm not to know how can I do anything more than a "congrats, let me know when its good to pop around" message.

Without being negative, they are a bit weird when it comes to things in general BUT it doesn't mean they are bad people. Really really harmless!

I always assumed they would want to wait but my main issue is my mum making me feel like shit and guilt tripping me When all i've done is text them the congrats and also waiting for the dust to settle so I can go over.
I am pregnant and ill so i'd like to wait as long as I can tbh. Vomiting all over a new baby isn't going to go down well

@PurpleDaisies And maybe you don't know what hyperemesis so I'll excuse your unhelpful advice but it's not so easy to just jump out of bed to "go and see then"

OP posts:

tenterden · 20/01/2018 14:28

YABVVU to use the term "reach out" It's inexcusable frankly.

ziggymarl · 20/01/2018 14:32

@heardashot
@Shineystrawberrylover

I have already texted congrats and that to let them know when is a good time for us to come over but i think you both are right. I could send a gift to their home. That would be nice!

Even then, i bet you my mum will have something to say about that

OP posts:

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BashStreetKid · 20/01/2018 14:34

You should never reach out. You should talk to people, or contact them, but definitely not reach out.

Should I reach out or wait? Brother just had his baby

ziggymarl · 20/01/2018 14:36

@BashStreetKid but what if i'm a member of The Four Tops??

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 20/01/2018 14:39

And maybe you don't know what hyperemesis so I'll excuse your unhelpful advice but it's not so easy to just jump out of bed to "go and see then"

You asked about reaching out and said were disheartened that you hadn’t been contacted. Going to see them was an entirely reasonable suggestion (that lots of others have also made).

You in your own post said you’d texted to ask when it was ok to pop around.

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