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Friend sleeping with toddler still awake

(196 Posts)
Pinkypieeyed Fri 19-Jan-18 23:14:13

Bit worried about a friend who is pregnant with her third. She has a 7 year old and a 3 year old. She's been going to bed in the day and setting an alarm to wake her up in time for the school run. However her 3 year old is being left to her own devices during this time. Should i talk to her or AIBU in thinking this is potentially unsafe?

OP’s posts: |
Mintychoc1 Sat 20-Jan-18 07:50:10

Of course it's not safe to let a 3 year old roam around the house while the carer is asleep . And of course it's your business OP. Child safety us everyone's business. I'm not sure how to bring the subject up though, that would be difficult.

I'm shocked at the replies on here.

confusedhelpme Sat 20-Jan-18 07:50:25

3 year olds do not have any common sense whatsoever, so that's ok for a SW to ask them to get a key and open the door? WTAF!

mathanxiety Sat 20-Jan-18 07:57:52

hmm coconutella
I am not being an alarmist. I am telling what is in hindsight an amusing anecdote, with a few verbal flourishes.

Even so, I was three, standing on a chair in the bathroom, craning my neck to see myself in the mirror, and using a razor on my neck and chin. I could well have suffered an injury. A 'safety' razor is safe even for a 3 year old? Has no grown adult ever skint herself while shaving her legs?

If you want to extrapolate a moral from the story, the point was that 3 year olds sometimes observe adults closely, are capable of advance planning and considerable cunning, but do not appreciate the possibility of danger at all.

EssentialHummus Sat 20-Jan-18 07:59:43

I’ve a young daughter and lots of friends who are pregnant/with young DC/with older siblings. This is a bit of a no-brainer to me - you offer to take the 3 yo on a walk/whatever for an hour so mum can rest a bit.

Mrsmadevans Sat 20-Jan-18 08:05:31

The sister on my ward used to do this, she locked the kids in the bedroom with her though.She worked night shifts she had three kids. She was a hard old cow though you have to admire her for working full time on nights . She was a Paediatric wad sister too.
Can't you help your friend out a bit OP?

Mrsmadevans Sat 20-Jan-18 08:06:19


Steeley113 Sat 20-Jan-18 08:08:20

I don’t think a 3 year old would let you sleep for that long surely? Mine would certainly come and wake me by sitting on my head of something. I’ve dozed on the sofa with the kids around many of times but always heard the doorbell/knock. Even hear the post come! I always nap when my 2 year old goes for his nap too as I’m pregnant with my 3rd and he could easily wake and cause some chaos if he really wanted to grinfunnily enough he wakes up and shouts ‘mummyyyyy’ and I wake up confused

PoorYorick Sat 20-Jan-18 08:13:29

If you're not going to offer to help her out with childcare, I don't know what you can possibly say.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 20-Jan-18 08:19:48

Well my dd must have been an extremely sensible 3 yo then. Nothing hazardous was left around.

I’m chronically ill, I’d love to know the solution those judging the situation would come up with. How exactly was I supposed to find a workable balance of spending time with my child and resting so that I had enough energy to look after her?

Sleeping/resting on the sofa wasn’t an option due to the sensory issues involved with ME. I have read a Doctor, who treats ME and cancer describe the level of energy people with severe ME (which mine was) as being the same as the last month of life for a person suffering from stage 4 cancer. I wasn’t just a bit tired.

wendywhite Sat 20-Jan-18 08:22:19

Depends on the kid?
Depends on if Mum is having a 40 winks on top of the bed or actually out for the count.

At 3 mine happily pottered about in the lounge, with a movie & snacks (was a stairgate at that time)
Lived in a one bed flat so would have been right through the wall so close & on the same level.

Saying that she loves a nap so I would just take her to bed with me for a snooze.

This is where screens can be useful,
Your friend could have 3 year old in bed with her watching something on headphones.

What a shame she’s that tired & you’re posting about her on mumsnet instead of offering to help.

I’ve had a migraine in the past & Mum has come round, not went out but just entertained the little one for an hour so I could nap in peace.
That wouldn’t be putting yourself out much.

NNchangedforthis Sat 20-Jan-18 08:23:40

I used to cat nap with a child on either side of me on the sofa.
2 year and 3 year old. They were perfectly happy with a bowl of quavers and Bing on the TV.
But it was an incredibly light nap and I had gates on both living room and kitchen doors so they were fenced in with me. They wouldn’t move until they needed the next episode started!

Slartybartfast Sat 20-Jan-18 08:24:38

report to nspcc, or to the nursery

JackmanAdmirer Sat 20-Jan-18 08:30:32

I don't think anyone is arguing it's ok to leave a child unattended but that the OP is guessing and for all she knows there could be other people in the house, she has no first hand knowledge at all.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 Sat 20-Jan-18 08:32:29

Another one here who thinks you should offer to help

user1499786242 Sat 20-Jan-18 08:33:32

My 2.5 year old is literally on my case constantly, I wish I could keep him happy with something so I could nap but there's absolutely no way that will happen!
We have no support whatsoever
So we've even put him in nursery for 3 hours a week purely so I can have a nap...
That one nap a week is my saviour TBH!
Pregnancy is exhausting!

So I don't blame the woman but the thing I'm struggling to understand is, if the kid is at nursery most days then surely that's enough nap time? Even for the Most exhausted mum?
Not judging just unsure if there's been a mis communication somewhere TBH!

SaucyJack Sat 20-Jan-18 08:33:40

What level of 3 is the kid?

My 3 year old is 3 yrs and 10.5 months for example. Almost 4 year olds are not toddlers any more.

It depends on the child and the house as to whether it's OK to grab a quick 40 winks.

Enidthecat Sat 20-Jan-18 08:43:12

math im not sure you expressed that very well. You're basically saying don't do anything as it could end in disaster.

Jesus Christ for all we know this woman is dozing on the sofa for ten mins in the same room as a 3yo.

People used to leave (And still Do!) Sleeping babies in gardens alone. Should social services take all those children too because you know, worst case scenario hungry dog finds child. Bird of prey takes detour from display and takes a fancy to the baby. After all, we dont want to assume it's fine because nothing has happened yet do we

I assume you don't drive as worst case scenario - you crash and die. Or walk because you know, worst case scenario you get run over by a bus. Obviously you don't fly.

AnachronisticCorpse Sat 20-Jan-18 08:50:19

I’m sceptical about those children being removed tbh. Either that was one part of a whole picture of neglect, or it’s bollocks. Or social services are actually the child snatching loons the media likes to portray.

Which is it, @Dailymailatemyshit?

Although tbf, having a Stargate within easy access is pretty risky. They could have ended up in the Pegasus Galaxy.

DailyMaileatmyshit Sat 20-Jan-18 08:51:08

@BuckysRoboticArm I said in my post that we DIDN'T ask the child to retrieve the key, just that once they had retrieved it (of their own volition and with no prompting) we asked them to post it through to us (saved us waiting for the police).

It turned out mum was regularly napping with them in the house and the safety precautions not enough- they could reach the key and unlock the front door, they could reach the key and pass it to an unknown person through the door, they could climb the stairgate and through them doing all this mum didn't wake up. The deciding factor in court is that mum couldn't see what she had done wrong, kept saying 'so I'm not allowed to take a nap then'. Judge decided she couldn't make safe decisions for her children even when presented with the risks.

Unfinishedkitchen Sat 20-Jan-18 08:52:09

An old work colleague of mine had her 3/4 year old taken off of her and she had to go to court whilst on holiday in America. She fell asleep on the couch of her holiday apartment and her son let himself out and crossed a road and was found wandering the streets. He was picked up by child services and she was arrested for neglect. Can’t remember what the punishment was but they took it very seriously and the fact she was an exhausted mother was not a proper excuse.

YellowMakesMeSmile Sat 20-Jan-18 08:55:33

OP, ring SS and give them the information. That way you are protecting the child. If something happens and you do nothing, you'll have to live with in on your conscious.

Friendship can be worth a lot but the safety of a child trumps that at all costs.

Enidthecat Sat 20-Jan-18 08:57:42

daily i would say it was fairly normal for a 3 year old to be give the key to an adult who has asked for the key.

My ds would do that and he isn't even 2 yet.

That's not neglect that's a child who is doing what it's told.

I cannot believe you took someon3s child away over 1 incident that is frankly horrendous and frightening.

YellowMakesMeSmile Sat 20-Jan-18 08:58:17

I also don't get the replies of you should take the child to give mum a rest. The children are not your responsibility.

She's pregnant not ill and knew she had existing children to care for so if she couldn't cope she shouldn't have made the decision to have another chid.

Enidthecat Sat 20-Jan-18 08:59:39


A) you don't know she's not ill. I could barely walk for the last 4 weeks of pregnancy

B) you have no idea how you'll feel or cope until you're in that situation. Presumably she shpild have consulted her crystal ball before she started ttc.

MsWanaBanana Sat 20-Jan-18 08:59:49

Mummyoflittledragon Health issues are irrelevant really. You should not be leaving a 3 year old alone in a house while you are talking a nap. I have to agree with your doctor, you chose to have a child knowing your condition. If you can’t cope with day to day tasks then you either put them in nursery for longer hours or organise other help. You do not leave them to fend for themselves for hours at a time while you nap. What an incredibly selfish attitude.
I have read a Doctor, who treats ME and cancer describe the level of energy people with severe ME (which mine was) as being the same as the last month of life for a person suffering from stage 4 cancer. I wasn’t just a bit tired. A person who is that sick should in no way be Loki g after a 3 year old child.

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