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Asked Dad for help

(53 Posts)
Fullofqs Fri 19-Jan-18 14:34:00

Hi All,

I'm having a tough week in general with a lot of things, but wanted to vent on here about one thing that's got me down.
I am currently 14 weeks pregnant today, and I am 27 years old. My biological father left my mum and me when I was 2, and I had no contact with him throughout my life until I decided when I was about 20 I wanted to find him. I got his address and posted him a letter, and since then we had contact. about 1 year after we met again I moved about 200 miles away to be with my current partner and father of my child, and always try to see Dad once a year when I visit, twice if I can afford to. He has a wife (who's lovely, not wicked stepmother at all) and 2 daughters with her, I love them all dearly. I still live far away but try to visit as often as I can.
My Dad and his wife seem very well off, they both run their own businesses, have a big house with a hot tub, man cave with pool table etc etc, and buy expensive xmas presents for us (although I tell them not to, as we cant afford to do the same for them so we feel guilty)
Anyway, I have never asked Dad for money - ever. I have always made a point that I don't as I didn't want him to get the impression that I was using him for money, but this Christmas really hit me hard, and my other half has struggled to find work as hes self employed and we live in a very rural area. So we have had almost no food for about 2 weeks, no heating for about 3 weeks and I'm struggling to keep the electric meter out of the emergency.
So on Tuesday I asked Dad to borrow some money, I said if he cant its fine as i know everyones tight at the moment but explained it was for food heating and electric to show it wasn't for frivolous things. Next day arrives and he hasn't replied, I text him to ask if he received it and he says he did but will text me later about it as he wants to speak to my stepmum first, he also says they have been really busy as they had a security issue with one of their businesses at the weekend, so I obviously feel guilty straight away that I've nagged when they've got a lot on their plate, so I let him know that's fine and I'll speak to him later (and give my sympathies about whats happened).
It's now Friday...and that's the last I heard from him. I don't ask for money form anyone if I can help it, but if I do it's because I really have no alternative and it's necessary. It's really upset me that he has blanked me since, I get that he's probably had a lot on, but I'm not asking for a lot, and I have told him I will pay him back as soon as he wants.
Am I being unreasonable? If I am, go easy as I'm feeling pretty fragile. smile

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz Fri 19-Jan-18 14:37:02

Hey - I had the same experience as you. Dad leaving when I was very small, no contact, saw him again as an adult.

I would just say be careful to protect your feelings.

Did he pay your mum child maintenance?

BlackeyedSusan Fri 19-Jan-18 14:38:08

ffs he is your dad. aren't kids asking for money all the time? and you only wanted to borrow it ffs. doubt he gave you much growing up or as a teen.

Trinity66 Fri 19-Jan-18 14:38:32

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all considering he abandoned you when you weren't much more than a baby, he kind of owes you some actual father help imo ......or atleast a call to see if you're ok since you're pregnant with his grandchild and just told him you have no food or heat in your house

rabbit12345 Fri 19-Jan-18 14:39:37

I think it is poor form on his part. A simple no would have been better if he did not want/could not afford to lend it to you.

I agree with pp and you need to protect your feelingsflowers

FauxFox Fri 19-Jan-18 14:41:03

YANBU to ask, but he INBU not to lend it to you. It would be nice if he did but he doesn't have to.

If you haven't enough money for food and electric you need to get an appt at the CAB asap and do the online benefits check thingy to see if you're claiming everything you're entitled to. It must be very stressful, I feel for you brew flowers

Snowysky20009 Fri 19-Jan-18 14:41:48

Your dad sounds like a real gent- not! You would think he would immediately after all these years.
Sorry you are going through this.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz Fri 19-Jan-18 14:42:07

Not to shit all over your dad OP but consider the facts.

He left when you were a baby.

You had to be the one to seek out contact with him.

You live far away, but you're the one travelling to see him once a year.

He is a wealthy man, but apparently needs time to reflect on whether or not he'd like to lend you money for food.

OP as I say, I have been in your position and I apologise if I am off the mark. But sometimes we idealise and desperately ignore things in a bid to recapture what we never had all along.

towtrucker Fri 19-Jan-18 14:43:07

YANBU at all lovely. Why wouldn't he help you out in this situation ffs!
I'd do anything to help my dc out, let alone when they are in serious need.
Hope your situation gets better soon op flowers x

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag Fri 19-Jan-18 14:45:53

I think @glitter has nailed it tbh. He doesn’t sound very fatherly! What a prince hmm.

Fullofqs Fri 19-Jan-18 14:50:30

Hi everyone,
thank you for all of your responses, I didn't really expect any. Thank you for saying I'm not being a brat about this, I have been wondering if hormones have been making me over-react a bit.
FauxFox - I did forget to say in my original post that I don't feel entitled to anything at all, If he can't/won't lend me anything I won't resent him at all, I just know he's probably not "hard up" at the moment like a lot of others so he was most likely not to miss the money as much, if that makes sense?
I do want to do a proper response but am currently at work and leaving the office soon, then wont be back on for a few hours but I did want to clear that up.
Also, GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz, I think you've knocked the nail right on the head with your comment about wanting to recapture what we never had. I can guarantee if it were either of his other 2 daughters in my position it would be a different story.
And no, he never paid my mum anything towards me after he left.
thanks all x

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz Fri 19-Jan-18 14:56:16

First of all, you ARE entitled to something, dont debase yourself. A child struggling to eat or heat their home is entitled to ask a parent who can afford it to lend them some money.

But sadly, you need to stop thinking of this man as your dad, and start seeing him as a biological contributor to your existence. I know you must have felt overjoyed that you were getting the relationship you maybe craved growing up, but it isnt going to happen, because hes not that type of man. Frankly, he sounds selfish.

Try and shift how you feel about him. Start viewing him as a distant uncle you have a vague relationship with, rather than a father. You got to 20 without any help from him, and you'll carry on doing that.

Don't feel sad or bad or guilty for asking him. In fact, you could do with summoning up a little anger if you can - anger can be a very productive emotion when controlled. Dont feel depressed that this means your relationship isnt real. It is real, its just you wont have the relationship you want. You need to curb your expectations and restrict how much emotion you give him.

Good luck!

Blackteadrinker77 Fri 19-Jan-18 14:56:27

He's left it since Tuesday, knowing it is for food and electric etc?

That's not good.

I'm not sure I'd contact him again and see if he bothers.

Can your Mum help, or can you pawn some jewellery?

CPtart Fri 19-Jan-18 14:59:30

I think I would cut my losses with him. A leopard and its spots and all that. Save yourself a lot of hurt.

Kitsharrington Fri 19-Jan-18 15:05:36

TBH it could just be that something properly serious has happened with his business and it really has slipped his mind.

saladdays66 Fri 19-Jan-18 15:05:44

What Glitter said.

I'm sorry, OP. He didn't support you financially after he left, never saw you until you were an adult and you sought him out? He sounds charming. Not.

And it looks as though he doesn't want to lend you money/help you out now.

I'd take a step back from your relationship with him if I were you. Wait for him to contact you. See if he does.


Blackteadrinker77 Fri 19-Jan-18 15:08:36

@kitsharrington Could it slip a parents mind that their child didn't have food or power?

I'd be mortified and sending a bacs payment straight away.

Queeniebed Fri 19-Jan-18 15:09:07

I sorry to hear that OP. It sounds like he truly isn't interested. My DF would drive with cash in hand to my front door if I made that request. That he cant even be bothered to reply says it all really. A problem with a business surely can not supersede your daughter needing money for food/electric.

Look to getting support for yourself. Can you partner take on extra work? Can you sell anything etc?

Notasperfectasallothermners Fri 19-Jan-18 15:09:51

My df also buggared off when I was a year old, I made the move to form some sort of relationship with him as a teen, not easy with demon sm on the scene. I remember clearly at 15 asking him if he would buy me some boots in the sale, he told me he had no money. Next week I saw him sm had spent £150 on clothes and relished in telling me df had paid. I never asked again. He never gave dm any cash when I was growing up either.
When I was early 20's he won the football pools and neither me or my dc saw a penny - he bought a 3 bed house and we have never even visited.
Some df have no bond /sense of responsibility towards their dc unfortunately.
I hope things are better for you now money wise.

Ellisandra Fri 19-Jan-18 15:10:48

Oh love.
He's not worth your time.
Hold your head high.
Hope you can sort something out with the food and electricity flowers

Emmageddon Fri 19-Jan-18 15:11:45

Maybe he's not as wealthy as he seems. Perhaps he doesn't have access to an immediate supply of ready cash. That being said, if one of my children needed money for food, I'd do an online shop for them using my credit card. It does sound as if he isn't intending to help you out. I would ring him, give him one last chance to help you out.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz Fri 19-Jan-18 15:13:53

I hear you. My dad actually asked me for money when i sae him as an adult. And as a child, his dad (technically my GF) would do things like ask me to pick a horse for the race and then take me to the shop to collect the winnings and not even give me a penny.

Just to let you know OP its not you and you're not alone!

FizzyGreenWater Fri 19-Jan-18 15:14:16

Sorry but your 'dad' is just as much a selfish shit as he ever was.

Why am I not at all surprised to hear that he's never paid his way (and that is exactly what it is: he hasn't paid his dues in life - he owes money, a LOT of money, to you and your mother. Owes it. He's in debt to you).

No coincidence that he's happy to welcome you in as an adult on his terms. Lovely, another daughter. Shower gifts on his terms. But you ask directly for help and this is what you get.

Your even hinting that you see him as someone you can go to for help has rattled him. 'What's she going to want next? Am I going to lose out?' That's the way someone like this would think.

Beware, even if he comes back with a loan once he's thought it through (and deliberately made sure that he makes you feel just alittle awkward, just a little less, just a little as if you don't belong - this is to prevent this happening again, to embarrass you).

Harsh assessment? No. Men who walk out are scumabgs. Men who walk away and don't pay are shit on your shoe.

whiskyowl Fri 19-Jan-18 15:15:58

Hahaha at "not so weathy as he seems". Maybe he's chosen to spend a load of cash on hot tubs, games rooms and stupid shit, rather than looking after his biological daughter.

My guess is that this relationship was OK with him as long as you dind't make any actual claim on his purse, OP. And as long as you didn't present as someone needy. It's not real love for you, or real care of the kind a parent should have.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz Fri 19-Jan-18 15:16:52

Harsh but entirely accurate. And that's a great line of Fizzy"s for you to remember OP: he's in debt to you. Remember that, maybe it will help you get that anger I mentioned in an earlier post.

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