AIBU or is DH? DD's time off work(46 Posts)
Namechanged as I don't want to out myself.
All of my DCs are grown up so I haven't been on here in a while but DH and I are disagreeing about advice I've given to DD25 and thought there might be some advice here.
DD started a new job in September after leaving her last one due to major depression (was on sick leave all summer). She says she really enjoys it, wants this to be a career and likes the people she works with but I'm very worried about her absence levels.
Since she started she's had multiple days off due to depression (can't get out of bed) and this week has been off with the flu.
Obviously I understand that she's unwell and shouldn't have to work unwell but AIBU to tell her that she should be worried about her job? She's been there less than 6 months and has disclosed her mental illness (she has a BPD and depression diagnosis both of which have caused health issues) which I understand is very brave but surely brings up questions as to whether she's able to do her job.
DH says they have to accommodate as she's disclosed and we shouldn't pressure her into working when her mental state is fragile. I want her to be aware of the reality of the situation. If I was her manager I would definitely be questioning whether she was worth keeping on, just as a purely business decision (surely there are many healthy 25 year olds who can do her job).
I've been nice about it over the phone prevously, told her to rest up but tonight I felt I had to let her know that she should be ready for consequences when she returns to work. DH says I'm setting her up to fail. What do you think?
She’s 25 and I think it’s up to her to handle her working life, to balance her responsibilities to her job with her health.
Your DH is right that as she’s disclosed her conditions to her employer they have to name reasonable adjustments. And if she can’t get out of bed I don’t know how you expect her to go to work?
Be a supportive kind mum to her. Scaring her with stories of what might happen at work when she goes back after being off ill isn’t going to be helpful.
Is BPD Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar in her case? Just wondering. I'm bipolar with severe bouts of depression.
It's a tricky one. If she is really unwell then stressing her out about work is not going to help her. Her employer does have the duty to make reasonable adjustments for her condition but the key is in the word reasonable - no one expects an employer to have an employee on indefinite long term sick leave for months and years. They can (eventually) bring a capability procedure against her for being off for too long or too often. It is good if she is realistic about this.
However like I said at the beginning, for some people going in to work is just not possible when they are unwell with depression and it can make things worse.
ACAS has some good stuff on their website about capability etc if you want to look it up. She should also (when she is feeling well enough) ask to see her organisation's sick leave policy.
Good luck to your DD.
Justmuddling asks a very good question!
She passed her probation after 3 months (I was worried when she said they were doing a review - ready to deal with it if they let her go). Apparently she's doing good work and flew through training and has been given more responsibility.
But this is a pattern, job is great and company loves her until she switches off and starts taking multiple days off a month.
I'm firmly with your DH on this.
I understand you mean well but I highly doubt that anything you say regarding her work situation will have any positive benefits. The opposite in fact. Please try to hold your tongue and let her come to you . Or your DH which might be more appropriate, from time to time.
We never do stop worrying about our kids, do we?
It's borderline personality disorder... I just keep thinking about all of the reading I've done on people with her condition and can't see how she's going to be able to handle a career. I know I need to let go and let her be an adult but it's so hard when she needs a lot of support.
I’m disabled and have chronic illnesses that can make it difficult for me to attend work.
Your dh is right in saying that they have to provide reasonable adjustments (has she had an occ health review at all?) but if she is not up for doing the job that she is contracted to do then she may face disciplinary proceedings, and ultimately her job may be at risk.
Thinking that everything is fine because she’s disclosed her illness is a bad idea, if she’s too ill to go to work then there’s not much the can be done, but it’s better to be aware of these things rather than problems coming out of the blue.
The diagnosis of Emotionally Unstable ( if that is what the BPD you refer to is) is obviously significant if you are reporting a pattern of behaviour.
Has she had/ is she receiving any treatment? Dialectical Behaviour Therapy is currently the most effective treatment available in the UK although availability can be limited.
Sorry if my post seemed a little brusque. I had visions of your words sending a fragile woman into a dark place. I'm perfectly emotionally stable, clearly
She hasn't been scheduled for occupational health yet, should this be something she asks for or will her HR department arrange it when they feel they need it?
When I disclosed a long term health condition my work arranged an OH assessment straight away - I’d suggest she asks for it.
They well then make a more official disability assessment too which can then sit on record as not just from her and then protects her from dismissal as easily.
Practical advice = yes
Telling her she’s likely to lose her job = no!
Yes Hoof, I'm worried about her pattern of behaviour effecting her working life. She's only been working for a few years since uni and it just seems so bleak.
She's under the care of the local mental health team, doesn't find them very helpful. I believe she's on the waiting list for CBT (no provision for DBT but I did get her some books on it after her diagnosis was confirmed as an adult - we were first told BPD was likely by CAMHS when she was 16).
I've offered to go round and look after her but she says she's coping fine. Really I just want to bring her home and get her better but that's not an option.
Others have given good work advice on here and this may be leftvfield and 'grandmother sucking eggs-esque .if she can be supported to communicate with her manager then that would be useful. Work will be happier and DD will feel far more confident about her abilities to keep her job if she is able .Sorry, i probably put 2& 2 together and made twelvety billion.
That looks patronising, sorry. I wasn't trying for that effect.
I hope the CBT helps her, it was a lifesaver for me.
Yes to Occupational Health!
I hope the CBT helps her, it was a lifesaver for me.
Yes to Occupational Health!
"Thinking that everything is fine because she’s disclosed her illness is a bad idea, if she’s too ill to go to work then there’s not much the can be done, but it’s better to be aware of these things rather than problems coming out of the blue."
I agree. I know I can still fall foul of my workplace's attendance policy even with my disclosed long term illness/disability.
Southbound, is there a good way I can talk to her about that?
For a good part of last year we were just focused on keeping her alive and I'm terrified that if she loses this job we will be right back there.
I missed your post about the Borderline diagnosis. That sucks regarding treatment options. So short sighted at best..
Dbt books are great and there are other helpful resources out there.
Many many people with BPD/EUD do manage to have careers, please rest assured! but you're right, support, particularly at this earlier point in working life will be necessary at times.
Hr/ OH may be good or may be crap, i suspect the latter. Would going part time help or not an option anywY.
I will come back with sone links if you like tomorrow but I am dropping off as I type.
Big hugs to you.
Thanks for this hoof, part time isn't an option as she needs the cash from full time. Would appreciate links if you remember tomorrow.
She should probably start by knowing where she actually stands at her own workplace - do they have sanctions after x days off, do days off for a long term condition count towards that, etc. It might be difficult for her to read the actual attendance policy (in that I found it quite stressful to read it once it got to the bit about essentially managing people out), but she might find it a bit easier to ask Occupational Health or HR these questions.
They can get rid of people in the first two years for no reason with no comeback. So yes, she should be worried.
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