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To ask - is my husband's refusal to have sex is abuse? Grounds for divorce?

(340 Posts)
worrieddottcom Thu 18-Jan-18 19:42:02

I've posted with my husband's refusal to have sex with me under a different name.

In 2017 - no sex at all and only a few short hugs.

2016 - sex three times.

2015 - twice.

I can't take it anymore.

He's a fabulous dad to our teen child.

He loves me - I know he does.

It's not enough.

I'm ashamed to admit to having a non sexual, emotional affair over the last year. This man makes me feel desirable. It won't go any further than that, but it has given me some comfort.

For the last year or so, my husband has chosen to sleep in another room. This started when he had a heavy cold and snored so much that he kept me awake.

Every night, he stays in his study and plays computer games. I watch tv in another room.

He adores our child and will do everything for him.

I'm depressed and frightened and frustrated.

I don't think I can honour the vows I made at our wedding.

worrieddottcom Thu 18-Jan-18 19:42:35

IF not IS (title)

Fattymcfaterson Thu 18-Jan-18 19:43:24

It's not abuse.

You don't need an excuse to leave. Just leave

AaronPurrSir Thu 18-Jan-18 19:43:26

He’s not abusing you. He clearly either doesn’t fancy you, or has a very low sex drive.

Either way, clearly you are not happy and so this marriage is over.

Rachie1973 Thu 18-Jan-18 19:44:56

Not abuse but certainly an 'irreconcilable difference'

MrsDeathOfRats Thu 18-Jan-18 19:44:56

It's not exactly abuse. But it is neglectful. He's not working at your marriage anymore.
I assume you have talked with him about this?

You don't need it to abuse to leave. If you want out of the marriage then leave. No one can actually stop you.

Mooey89 Thu 18-Jan-18 19:45:31

I don’t think it’s abusive in itself unless there is more to it

It does sound difficult though. You can divorce just because you no longer want to be married, you just need to have been separated for two years first.

PinkHeart5914 Thu 18-Jan-18 19:45:31

It’s absolutely not abuse, and to say it is well that’s an insult to anyone currently suffering abuse!

Maybe he doesn’t fancy you, has low sex drive or has problems with his penis he isn’t telling you about men can be daft about these things. If you want to divorce becuase if it go ahead..........

stickytoffeevodka Thu 18-Jan-18 19:45:37

It's not abuse, but it's clear neither of you are happy.

Either agree to go to counselling and see if there's anything worth saving, or separate and find someone new. This is no life for either of you.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand Thu 18-Jan-18 19:46:21

He's not abusive but his "growing apart" is a legitimate reason to divorce.

FellOutOfBed2wice Thu 18-Jan-18 19:46:33

If you aren’t happy you should leave before you do end up having an affair and hurting a lot of people in the process. If you think it’s salvageable you should talk to your husband and try and get him to agree to therapy but you can’t go on like this.

Sarahjconnor Thu 18-Jan-18 19:46:41

It isn't abuse and you don't have a right to sex in your relationship but it is certainly a reason to leave if you are unhappy.

Have you spoken to him?

Cakeisbest Thu 18-Jan-18 19:47:08

A conversation is needed, has he lost his sex drive, or does he just not fancy you anymore. The first one might be fixable, the second one maybe not so much. Do you really want to know? Counselling maybe if you're both agreeable. Hope you work it out.

AHungryMum Thu 18-Jan-18 19:48:20

It could be an example of irreconcilable differences, which are grounds for divorce. So is your adultery, for the record.

It's definitely not abuse and sorry to be the one to break it to you, but you're actually the bad guy here.

Sex with your spouse is not a "right" and they are perfectly entitled to have low sex drive!

Just imagine the stink people would kick up if this thread had the gender roles reversed and a man thought it was "abuse" for his wife to be disinterested in sex....

gamerwidow Thu 18-Jan-18 19:48:27

It’s not abuse beng married doesn’t give you rights over his body and no one has to have sex if they don’t want to. If you’re unhappy though you don’t need any other reasons to leave.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar Thu 18-Jan-18 19:48:43

It's not abuse, and it doesn't excuse your emotional affair. If you want to leave, leave. If you want to stay, sort things out with him and end the cheating. Either way you need to communicate with him about the situation.

gamerchick Thu 18-Jan-18 19:49:08

It isn’t abuse but it’s killing your marriage.

You need to talk to him. If things are dead then you need to go your separate ways. I couldn’t live in a marriage where there is no intimacy, it suffocates your soul.

DailyMailReadersAreThick Thu 18-Jan-18 19:49:12

It's not abuse. Pressuring someone into sex would be abuse. Withholding affection as punishment would be abuse. Not wanting to have sex is not abuse.

But yes, it is grounds for divorce under irreconcilable differences.

bengalcat Thu 18-Jan-18 19:50:12

It's not just the lack of sex from the sounds of it - if he spends the evenings on his own too it sounds like a total relationship back off from him for whatever reason too . Takes two to tango so you need to talk to him about this and ultimately need to decide whether you accept the new status quo or not . Is anything else bothering him ?

Strongmummy Thu 18-Jan-18 19:52:13

I hear you OP and have been in a very similar situation. His behaviour is not deliberate abuse, but the hurt and sadness you feel is abusive and neglectful. Currently your relationship is not working for you and if he can’t or won’t change then it is time to leave. Counselling may help if he agrees to go. There is an interesting TED talk in this called The Sexless Marriage. Please watch and know you’re not alone. Good luck

unicornfarts Thu 18-Jan-18 19:53:59

What dos he say when you raise the issue?

BishBoshBashBop Thu 18-Jan-18 19:54:14

It is not abuse in any way whatsoever, and stop trying to use it to excuse your affair.

DeStijl Thu 18-Jan-18 19:54:22

Of course it isn't abuse. That totally undermines people's horrific experiences of abuse.
He clearly doesn't fancy you. It doesn't sound like much of a relationship at all.
You don't have to be with him. Do you both a favour and leave.

Allthebestnamesareused Thu 18-Jan-18 19:55:04

Irreconcible differences is not a reason I the UK! Too much us tv!

It is however unreasonable behaviour which has lead to an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage and a divorce would be possible for this reason.

Sugarpiehoneyeye Thu 18-Jan-18 19:55:24

Not abuse, intolerable behaviour.

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