A course on how to communicate with children?

[WingsOnMyBoots]

Sorry I know this sounds ridiculous but bear with me. All the while I was growing up and up until my late 20's I was used to being around children and never even thought about how to talk to them, it was just natural. Then my life changed and I just didn't have any real contact with any kids at all (never had my own) for nearly 20 years. Then through meeting my husband I was in contact with children again.

The problem is I don't seem to be able to communicate right with them and come across sometimes sounding false or patronising. The other day BIL came round with his two sons aged 2 and 5. They've never visited before and came out of the blue, which was a bit of a shock (normally we see everyone when visiting FIL) and I came downstairs and heard the words 'Hi babies!' come out of my mouth. Whaaat! Of course the 2 year old was none the wiser and is still, in my eyes, a 'baby' but, as you can imagine, the 5 year old just looked at me with contempt!

Another time the family were all out having lunch and I said to the 6 year old 'did you enjoy your meal'? and he shouted 'It'a NOT a meal it's DINNER!' and ran off. He actually seemed upset.

I am fine with babies and very young children, toddlers but when they start getting older I'm worried what they think of me so I can't be natural!

I feel like an ancient weird out-of-touch old fool - I am in my early 50's. I know if I'd have had children of my own I wouldn't have this problem. Children used to always really like me and I always loved children.

So what can I do? I know the answer is just spend more time with kids but it's not really practical to spend time with these particular kids - I feel I need to borrow some or go on a course?? Any suggestions?

[Battleax]

They're just people. Your issue sounds like self consciousness.

[WingsOnMyBoots]

Yes I am VERY self-conscious about this. I try to relax but just can't.

[SleepingStandingUp]

There really isn't an answer except trial and error.

Some kids would be fine with the meal question.

The babies thing happens, you won't do it again with anyone over 2.

If you sound false its because you're trying too hard.

Talk to them like you would an adult but with appropriate language and content. Ask about their interests and what they've been doing.

I can talk to my 2 yo but not always other peoples because they're ask so different

[Sandsnake]

Talk to them like adults, although obviously in an appropriate way. I remember as a child that I loved talking to my parents' friends who did this, and hated talking to the ones who had a 'child voice'. Let them direct the conversation, try to sound interested in the things they are interested in. Don't be afraid to embrace the eccentric, especially with younger children.

[WingsOnMyBoots]

I remember as a child that I loved talking to my parents' friends who did this, and hated talking to the ones who had a 'child voice'.

Ye's that's true. I clearly remember being about 9 years old and wondering why on earth my grandma was asking me if I liked 'geegees' meaning horses!!

[GabriellaMontez]

Why are you worried what a five year old thinks of you? Good for them to meet lots of different people.

[Battleax]

If you really feel the need to do something then maybe look for an acclimatisation opportunity? Volunteering at Sunday school or the equivalent?

[SleepingStandingUp]

How old are your partners kids OP?

[1099]

Try 'How to talk so children will listen and listen so children will talk' by Adele Faber, might help you with some pointers.

[Deshasafraisy]

You sound self conscious- just try and forget that they are young, start a conversation as you would with anyone,
Hello, how are you today, did you have a good journey? Is this your favourite toy? Would you like to sit down. Can I get you a drink?
After that they will feel relaxed with you and they will instigate most conversation.

[WingsOnMyBoots]

How old are your partners kids OP?

Hi SleepStandingUp = my husband has never had any children either. The children I refer to are the sons and daughters of his brother and also the children of his grown-up niece.

[Firstaidnovice]

I think one of the best things is to stop asking loads of questions. It's our natural instinct, because it feels rude not to, but children can get quite overwhelmed by a not too familiar adult asking lots of questions. Also we tend to ask questions that are quite dull "how was school"?, and children will just mumble "ok"...
A good ice breaker can be to say something a bit silly and wrong, so they have the opportunity to correct you, and laugh. Or just get down and play with them, and have a bit of monologue about what you're doing, and they'll join in. "I'm going to build the biggest tower I can from only red bricks". If you know what they are really into, eg. Dinosaurs, you can do the getting things wrong tactic, like "t-rex's, they are the ones that fly, right?", and the child will love knowing more than you (chances are they actually do, and you don't need to fake it ).

[SleepingStandingUp]

So not kids you're seeing in and out every week. I think just relax. Kids are fickle. They like being treated like big kids or grown up.

[HoofWankingSpangleCunt]

Came on to post exactly what 1099 wrote. It's a great book.
Also, I think you may be overthinking this a little. There was nothing wrong with what you said about a meal.
In my experience children do really like being spoken to like adults. And a lot of reflecting back and "mmm?"s.
You sound lovely Op, try to work on your confidence. You'll be fine, I'm sure.

[WingsOnMyBoots]

So not kids you're seeing in and out every week

Once a week at FIL but so often I've not gone to visit in the past, mainly because of this reason! Of course, this has made the problem worse as I haven't been involved with them as much as I could. Now I'm trying to overcome it and remedy it and visiting more often.

[WingsOnMyBoots]

Having said that (about seeing them once a week) even if it was once a year I would still be concerned about this problem and want to fix it. The problem would still be there, just no outside stimulus, as in seeing the kids, to bring it to light.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I'm not saying it isn't important, but that you have to relax. You're putting too much pressure on yourself. Just talk to them like normally, ask about interests and favourite tv shows. Ask them to tell you about it.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Yep, just talk to them like everyone else, I know exactly what you mean though op, I felt the same before having my own.

It really is a case of just relaxing and letting it flow, do they play at fils? Could you get involved?

[allthgoodusernamesaretaken]

I wouldn't worry too much about how you communicate with them e.g. what language to use. I suggest you focus on being kind, friendly and a ositive role model

I agree with other posters that it's important not to patronise children. They love it if you speak to them as if they are older than they are

However, if you are looking for tips about communication, here are two that might be helpful -

(1) do ask how, when, what questions, don't ask "Why ........" as this can come across as confrontational

(2) give instructions clearly, and positive not negative e.g. "stay on the pavement", not "don't walk in the road"

If you want to go the extra mile, a course like this might appeal to you, but I honestly don't think it's necessary

www.open.ac.uk/courses/modules/e109

[WingsOnMyBoots]

Thank you to everyone for all you suggestions. I really appreciate them. As a first step I'm going to read the book recommended by 1099. It's true I fall into the trap of asking too many (boring) questions. I have even thought about learning magic tricks to impress them!!lol!!

[Terrylene]

One of the best thing about relatives who do not have children is that they do not treat you as another kid in the background who needs keeping quiet, but that they treat you like an adult.

It is both very flattering and gives you lessons on how to make polite conversation with other adults. They also give you unsuitable things.

I had several childless great-aunts and they were brill, but it is a shame they did not live long enough for me to grow up enough to tell them this. So I am telling you