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AIBU?

MIL advice needed....

200 replies

Padgatepeach · 17/01/2018 20:04

I’m new to mumsnet and I am looking for some advice regarding my mother in law. I have a feeling this may turn out to be a long post but please bear with me.

I’m married to her son and we’ve been together for 5 years. During that time I’ve always got on okay with my MIL. However since having my daughter 6 months ago things have deteriorated.

A catalogue of things have happened, the worst being that my MIL and FIL took my daughter out in their car to visit their friends without my permission when they were minding her when she was 4 weeks old.

They asked me if they could take her out and I said no. I trusted that they’d listen to me but unfortunately they didn’t. When I called back to collect my daughter an hour later they were out. I sat on the drive in my car crying until they returned. I told them I was unhappy that they’d gone against my wishes and my MIL tried to blame me saying I hadn’t been clear that they weren’t to take her out.

To cut a long story short, rightly or wrongly I agreed with my husband that we’d all put the incident behind us for the sake of our daughter but deep down I’m still angry nearly 6 months later.

What’s really upsetting me is that prior to my daughter being born my MIL asked if she could look after her 1 day a week when I go back to work. I agreed as we had a good relationship, however now I don’t trust her and I’d rather pay for my daughter to go to nursery.

I’ve tried to speak to my husband about this and his view is that we should give them the benefit of the doubt and let them look after our daughter but the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. To make matters worse I’m happy for my father and step father to look after her (my mum has passed away) as I trust that they will listen to our wishes.

If we were to send our daughter to nursery rather than to my MIL it would cause world war 3, so what I’m hoping for is some coping mechanisms/advice from those that have been in a similar situation because at the moment I’m ruining my maternity leave worrying about what’s going to happen when I go back to work.

OP posts:

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Marriedwithchildren5 · 17/01/2018 20:12

Just curious as to why you didn't want her to take dd out? May help understand your issue a little more.

MrsHathaway · 17/01/2018 20:16

Was it a car seat issue? We were still very precious about the car seat at 4wo.

Obviously the lingering issue is your belief that she would ignore your preferences for her own desires. Not a problem if it's which jumper to wear, but a big problem if she thinks car seats are Health And Safety Gorn Mad or doesn't believe in allergies (for example).

singingdetective · 17/01/2018 20:17

Without any backstory this does sound a bit hysterical.

EllaHen · 17/01/2018 20:19

Personally, I would pay for childcare. From the off.

towtrucker · 17/01/2018 20:21

In your situation I'd definitely never trust them again. I'd much rather have a disagreement with them, than have to constantly worry when I'm at work. My friend had a VERY similar situation to you and she wished she had been firm from the start because it was almost impossible for her to come up with good reasons after they already started the routine. Her MIL would undermine her at every opportunity and didn't listen to anything. My friend was an absolute wreck every week when her DD was at MILs and hated every second.
It might upset them but I would be 100% honest and say you broke my trust when she was 4 weeks. I strictly told you not to take her anywhere and you did, against my wishes. For now she's going to nursery an extra day and we'll see how it goes.
Hope you get something sorted, it must be so stressful for you to worry so much about it on your maternity leave. x

namechangedtoday15 · 17/01/2018 20:22

If it's just that one incident - where your MIL says she didn't think you'd said no - then yes, I agree with your H that you should give her the benefit of the doubt.

I had a massive falling out with my MIL at one point and I wouldn't want to repeat it - not for her sake, or even mine, but for my H's. If you can avoid it, then please do.

ohfourfoxache · 17/01/2018 20:22

I’d be very, very wary of letting the ILs look after her again until they have regained your trust.

It doesn’t really matter what it is that they went against (unless it’s dangerous of course) but they should have respected your wishes as her Mum. They didn’t, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for them to prove themselves capable of following instructions first

Gemini69 · 17/01/2018 20:22

go with your instincts OP.. this is your Child

Greensleeves · 17/01/2018 20:23

No, I wouldn't let her look after her

What she did was a major breach of trust and I wouldn't be able to relax knowing that my child was in the care of someone who has shown that she had no respect for my boundaries or wishes. DH would just have to lump it I'm afraid.

TittyGolightly · 17/01/2018 20:24

I wouldn’t have left my baby with anyone at 4 weeks. What’s that about?!

namechangedtoday15 · 17/01/2018 20:24

Hand on heart OP were you absolute clear in what you said to your MIL?

DaisysStew · 17/01/2018 20:25

Why wasn’t she allowed to go out with DD? Unless there’s a medical reason or there was no car seat then I can’t see what she’s done wrong. It’s not like she’s ignored/disregarded crucial care instructions like feeding schedules, naps, medication etc.

Feeling physically sick at the thought of leaving your dd with her is an extreme reaction and I think unless there’s more to this then you’re being really unfair.

Padgatepeach · 17/01/2018 20:25

Yes it was a car seat issue, we have an isofix base which their car isn’t compatible with, I said I wasn’t comfortable for them to fit it using a seatbelt until my husband had shown them how to do it as at the time I didn’t know myself. I suggested they take her out the following week once they knew how to fit it securely.

MrsHathaway you’ve hit the nail on the head! That’s exactly the issue.

OP posts:

Greensleeves · 17/01/2018 20:26

It doesn't matter why OP said no, the baby was 4 weeks old and her mother said no, so MIL should have taken no for an answer.

DaisysStew · 17/01/2018 20:26

Ah, X-post. If they had no car seat then it was really dangerous to take her in the car so fair enough about not trusting her.

namechangedtoday15 · 17/01/2018 20:27

But weren't your PILs capable of working out car seat & seatbelt? So they thought perhaps if they worked it out it was found to take her out?

Bluelady · 17/01/2018 20:29

Physically sick sounds like a bit of an over reaction. I can see that incident was very upsetting but it does seem a tad unreasonable to make your decision on the basis of a one off that you agreed to leave in the past.

Padgatepeach · 17/01/2018 20:29

TittyGolightly I left my 4 week old daughter with her grandparents so I was able to get 2 hours rest, I don’t think that’s unreasonable in the grand scheme of things.

OP posts:

towtrucker · 17/01/2018 20:31

@TittyGolightly ridiculous and irrelevant comment

namechangedtoday15 · 17/01/2018 20:32

OP have you left your DD with your PIL since?

Lashalicious · 17/01/2018 20:32

Trust your feeling on this. You are your dd’s mother, not them. Your mil blamed you instead of simply saying she was sorry that she went against your wishes in that in the excitement of showing off dd to her friends she thought it would still be ok in spite of you telling her about the seatbelt issue.

Your dd was 4 weeks old. If I told someone watching my dc to NOT take them out, they had better not take them out, end of story. And that goes for any age btw. They don’t get to bilaterally decide to do that after you’ve told them no.

Padgatepeach · 17/01/2018 20:33

No, obviously they have seen her since but not without myself or my husband being there.

OP posts:

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sallyarmy1 · 17/01/2018 20:34

Your poor MIL.

She fecked up once, six months ago, and now has to be punished for the rest of her life.

I had a dil just like you. She forbid me to do things that were just normal every day things - like compare my baby gs to my son, her husband, the baby's father, at that age. That was taboo.

Massive back story that will be too LONG to go into, but we now have NC whatsoever. Which has torn my family apart and broken many hearts.

Jealously is a terrible emotion - as is being a control freak.

:(

Bananarama12 · 17/01/2018 20:34

TittyGoLightly really??? What a pointless comment

AppleTrayBake · 17/01/2018 20:34

Thing is if MIL had just done as asked to begin with, the OP wouldn't feel this way. If I'd left my 4 week old with someone and they'd took them out visiting their friends against my wishes, I would've been very upset too.

The anxiety is coming from them causing you upset and worry. It takes a lot to trust someone with your newborn and PILs stamped all over it.

MIL has brought this situation on herself and deserves no sympathy.

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