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AIBU?

Pulling up sons nursery? Am I wrong ?

51 replies

Glitterzzz · 17/01/2018 17:54

So my son 22 months has been in nursery two mornings a week for around 4 months. I’m very happy with his general care and his key worker.. there are some worries about his development which is not a shock to me, in fact I made it clear upon him starting what my initial worries were...

What I have noticed though is they are quick to jump the gun. For example they tried out messy play with my child.. he was resistant as this was his first time doing so ( shoot me I
Don’t do messy play art and craft) they automatically deemed him ‘ to have issues with messy play/ possible sensory to textures ) this made me worry when they told me this
But low
And behind the next time they tried he did it and has joined in ever since with every kind you can imagine :-)

Last time I collected him he hadn’t been himself that day which I warned them when I dropped him in. Upon collecting him I’m told ‘ he clearly has struggles with unfamilr people in his environment and we could really see that today ‘ again I felt this was a super strong statement to say... turns out 3 students went into the baby room today and my child wasn’t impressed... given their strangers and he wasn’t him self ... again does this mean they can say ‘ clearly struggles with unfamiliar people in his environment ‘

It just made me feel uneasy. It also clearly contradicts a SALT report we got in just last week. I emailed the manager and said that I didn’t think it was fair to give serious statements like that about my child
Or any child. That feedback or concerns should
Be based on typical repeated behaviour that they might display a number of times not just once ...

We batted emails back and forth and I was told that I had misunderstood what the keyworker had meant by ‘ struggles’. I don’t think I did. She clearly said ‘ he struggles very much with unfamiliar people in his environment ‘ after one off day with 3 strange students in the room.. I could understand if she said he found it hard today, wasn’t sure about the students, it was her wording ...

Am I wrong or right to say to them they need to think of how they are feeding back to parents? And that if they wish to raise issues then I would ask it’s based on a behaviour he is showing typically and on
More than one occasion ?

Feeling weird about taking him back later this week ...

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Notasperfectasallothermners · 17/01/2018 17:57

If you aren't happy then of course stick up for your ds!! My ds started in September and still cries every day!! They are all different but doesn't mean anything is wrong!! They do sounds ott regarding your ds!!

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Glitterzzz · 17/01/2018 18:00

The manager ended communication with that they are sorry if they caused offence and they have to be honest. I told them I wasn’t offended I just didn’t agree with such strong statements about my son based on a one time thing... it’s like me doing one bloody hand stand and the next I’m a gymnast ... that’s how they are describing him but in the negative sense .

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NancyDonahue · 17/01/2018 18:06

Using words like 'issue' and 'struggle' about a 22 month old not liking messy play and strangers is very strange. Being wary of strangers is instinctive in all humans which is why you don't sit next to someone on a bus if there's a spare seat elsewhere. And not liking messy play is a preference! Strange nursery.

Is he happy there though?

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KalaLaka · 17/01/2018 18:07

I think you're completely right!

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Coloursthatweremyjoy · 17/01/2018 18:08

Some nursery workers can be a bit over zealous with this kind of thing OP.

I can understand how it would get to you but I would just be bright and breezy "really, I've never noticed that myself..." Remember that just because they say something it doesn't make it true. You are free to ignore, SALT and other agencies will take on board your opinions and school (I know it's a bit far off) will make their own assessments.

I personally wouldn't get into emails with the manager, that makes things formal and forces them to defend their position. I would however be calling his key worker out on anything she said that I felt was unsubstantiated. Ask how many observations she has taken and what evidence she has to back her view up. She might state "practitioner knowledge" shorthand for "I haven't written it down". But definitive statements need more than that quite frankly.

In short, YANBU, they do need to consider how they talk to you. They need to recognise that you are the expert on your own child. Also that positivity can go a long way...

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Glitterzzz · 17/01/2018 18:12

I think he is happy. He took a while to settle and is making good progress. They feel ‘ there is just something ‘ going on with him. Even as far to say ‘ mild mild autism ‘ or ‘ a little something not sure what’ this obviously is further confusing so when I combine their strong statements with that it causes me more anxiety. He has been seen by a speech and language therapist who wrote on her report that my child is showing no significant signs of ASC. I almost feel like as they don’t know what’s up they are grabbing at anything they can... this crap about him not coping with unfamiliar people just left me thinking what the hell are you talking about? Later that afternoon I had him at a busy restaurant full of strangers flirting with the waitress ;-) I’m not saying there aren’t concerns / question marks on him but it’s not to how they are describing him . That much I know.

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ny20005 · 17/01/2018 18:12

I found private nurseries to be like that. My youngest was in a private nursery 1 day a week & Council nursery the other days for his funded places.

Private nursery called us both in as had concerns about his speech. Council nursery said they had no concerns. He still has a lisp age 9 & is top of his class

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Glitterzzz · 17/01/2018 18:14

Part of me regrets emailing the manger but I couldn’t let it go... I did praise her general care but I just felt there needed to be more thought behind feedback and no I wasnt expecting it to be positive all the time either ... I have to face her again on Friday morning . I’m
Not sure if I should address it, I know she has been spoken too...

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Coloursthatweremyjoy · 17/01/2018 18:24

I'm sorry. They said your son might have "mild mild Autism!" (whatever that is supposed to mean).

I take it back OP if I had a nursery worker say that to me an email exchange would be the least of their concerns.

It is absolutely NOT anywhere near their remit or their SENCO's for that matter to be diagnosing a child with anything. The messy play and stranger comments are their rather lame attempt to back up their little theory.

If they have concerns about a child they need to talk to you diplomatically and seek outside support if necessary. Ask when they will be writing his My Plan Plus document and arranging Team Around the Child meetings and watch the biggest climb down you can imagine.

Tell them their pop psychology is not appreciated.

(am now raging on your behalf OP)

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theSnuffster · 17/01/2018 18:40

'Mild mild autism' what?! They are not in any position to suggest anything sort of diagnosis. It's unprofessional of them to even mention it. If they truly do have concerns there are procedures to follow but they won't get far if all they can use to back up their claim is that he didn't like messy play or strangers!

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Glitterzzz · 17/01/2018 18:45

I didn’t know they would be wrong to say that to me. Even the nursery worker ‘ who deals with the sen kids ‘ I assume maybe she’s the SENCO was the one who said mild mild maybe Aspergers like my nephew who is 9.... I feel like my kid has become a guess the problem activity... I have even had the deputy manager stand there with the ‘ something ‘ is wrong ‘ maybe mild autism ‘ even so and so thinks there is just something wrong ....

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zzzzz · 17/01/2018 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TalkinBoutWhat · 17/01/2018 18:53

Hmm, the cynic in me wonders whether they make a song and dance about issues because they can then note how wonderful they have been in dealing with his issues and advancing him through his key stage 1 criteria. The worse he is at the beginning the better thy look when he leaves their setting if he is ticking off all the requirements.

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Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 17/01/2018 19:11

It does sound as if they are being unprofessional in the way they approach this issue with you, and in the light of your son's speech/language assessment I can see why you feel they are seeking to find signs that are not there. They definitely need to slow down and improve their communication.

The one thing I would say (as someone who chose not to mention my own concerns when DS started nursery) is that nursery staff see a lot of children and can be quick to see where behaviour differs from the norm, and I would not be as dismissive of their views as others on this thread.

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Luckymummy22 · 17/01/2018 19:12

YANBU. If I don’t agree with something I let them know. And get annoyed when they right up something after just one observation. Their not performing monkeys and won’t always be in the mood to do what they want. I got annoyed last time as I picked my son up and he had a bit of a temp and hadn’t eaten anything all day.
Maybe there was a reason he didn’t want to participate.......

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hazeyjane · 17/01/2018 19:23

Even as far to say ‘ mild mild autism ‘

Woah! That is not good practice at all!

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Coloursthatweremyjoy · 17/01/2018 19:31

I am senior management in a nursery. I would be furious if a member of my staff suggested to a parent that their child had a neurodevelopmental condition...it's not their position full stop. No matter how many children they have seen.

You talk about what you have observed, play, behaviour, language whatever. You suggest outside support and a referral if necessary. You do NOT suggest a child a child has Autism.

I've lost count of how many children I have had where there were areas of concern that a few weeks/months made all the difference and we all stopped worrying. Yes there have been a few and it is a few where our concerns turned out to be correct.

There is a reason that the diagnostic process for these conditions is lengthy and in depth and never because x key worker thinks something's going on.

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BlurryFace · 17/01/2018 19:50

They sound bloody weird OP. I have two at preschool at the moment. DS1 has no indication of issues, DS2 has all sorts of assessments ongoing/in the pipeline - speech therapy, physio, occupational therapy, education psych, clinical psych.

All preschool have done is ask to be kept updated with any findings and say they're happy for any professionals to come and observe him there. They do tell me how he's been that day, but offered no speculation.

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Glitterzzz · 17/01/2018 20:18

Thanks everyone for your feedback... it’s only now I can see that having a couple of members of staff telling me ‘ hmmmm he might have mild mild autism ‘ or ‘ hmmm somethings isn’t quite right ‘ or hmmmm it’s just a little of something ‘ is downright unprofessional on their part even if it’s true. It’s my first time using a private nursery and I don’t know the protocol on things. I don’t mind feedback and I have agreed with some of what they said I just cannot agree with blatant statements of my child not coping with unfamiliar people in his environment . It’s bullshit. They are going to do some observations with him ( there’s a member of staff that does that kind of thing ) my son’ passed’ this last time. They will then feedback to me. When I drop him into nursery next time I’m not sure how or what to say to the keyworker when I see her ? I obviously know they will all have spoken about it .

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Moonflower12 · 17/01/2018 20:19

Wow! That is awful. I've been a nursery nurse for 20 years and a SENCo for 12- it is not the SENCOs job to diagnose. It is her job to co- ordinate your child's care from outside agencies. It would be incredibly unusual for them to diagnose 'mild,mild autism' (whatever that is!) at such a young age. He is probably just being a 22 month old! They are wary of new situations- messy play and strangers.
And in all honesty we probably all have a touch-of mild mild autism. We all use autistic responses to comfort ourselves especially in stressful situations.
Again though, there should be no diagnosis and especially no 'guess the concern today'.
I would tell you the positives of your son when handing over and if you had concerns I would address them by referring him to the relevant agency- after multiple observations.

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monkeywithacowface · 17/01/2018 20:24

Wow they are massively over stepping the mark and their professional boundaries with those statements!

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isadoradancing123 · 17/01/2018 20:33

They are def overstepping their role and in no way should they being commenting that a 22 month old wasn't happy with three new faces, this is pretty common with children and doesn't signal that he has "issues".

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PumpkinPie2016 · 17/01/2018 20:41

YANBU - it is not their place to be diagnosing anything! And saying 'something isn't quite right' is, in my opinion, an awful way to describe a child.

I work in education, albeit secondary, and wouldn't dream of saying that to a parent. I might, after a period of time say something like 'X seems to struggle with getting their ideas into paper' but it would always be passed on to the relevant person to deal with further.

I would say, do consider whether, long term, the nursery is right for your son. My son was at a private nursery and they seemed to be constantly finding fault with him. In the end, I moved him to a different preschool and he has had absolutely no problems at all there. Just worth considering.

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MaisyPops · 17/01/2018 20:46

It would be fair to say to a parent 'based on experience we wonder if you child may have traits associated with ASD. They are doing well but we are keeping an eye on it in case it's worth looking at assessment becausr the earlier ASD is diagnosed the better support childrrn can get'.

It's not ok for them to get involved in pop psychology doing armchair diagnosis of your child (it's bad enough seeing how many people diagnose people as being narcs eith personality disorders on MN without people doing it in a professional setting).

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zzzzz · 17/01/2018 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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