I think something's wrong ...(42 Posts)
Sorry posting here for traffic.
I think I've been pushing my DP away.
He told me yesterday he worries he can't make me happy and I never seem happy.
Few points as a bit of a backstory that might help:
DP and my parents have fallen out, mostly due to my parents behaviour but he did some things too. He has decided to go completely NC with them (I still see them with DCs) I completely understand his reasons to do so. I support him and I'm doing my best for us to be a tight knit family unit.
However I won't lie that it has hurt me deeply, I know what my parents are and I have learnt to manage my contact with them but they do also have good points and would do anything for me, DCs and even DP.
We are struggling as we have a tiny house and can't move for a few years, and it's getting overwhelmed with stuff and we will struggle to fit our DCs and us in it once the baby is a bit bigger, I get bouts of feeling almost claustrophobic in it. I'm constantly tidying and it's constantly getting messed up. It doesn't help I spend most of my days here with a little baby and a toddler.
We were supposed to be getting married and both want a big wedding but I really can't imagine it with the family situation being like this
Also we have recently had a baby and I have had a complete lack of sex drive for the last 2-3months which is the longest we have ever gone. I'm still not feeling it even though physically I feel absolutely fine.
It's really strange as I've found myself quite emotionless recently, even before the baby was born, I'm not excited about anything in particular, I'm not happy but not unhappy either, I'm happy for DP who's recently achieved some big things at work and I have told him this but inside I don't actually feel enthusiastic about anything.
I will smile but it doesn't reach my eyes and I can feel it and I think DP has seen it.
I'm not moping around miserable but I'm just quietly getting on with things and not really showing much emotion about anything.
I still find DP attractive and I love him and I love our family but most of the time I feel like there's something stopping me expressing any of that.
DP is away ATM and has text me yesterday asking if I'm happy as I never seem happy, he wonders if he can ever make me happy and saying I have no hobbies (true but ATM the EBF baby makes it all a bit restricted anyway) and that we have little communication - that's also true as I seem to clam up when we talk and I notice myself doing this but I can't break through that barrier and I don't know why
What's wrong with me?
Possible post natal depression. Sorry to hear you're feeling this way. Do you have a sympathetic GP or health visitor?
Oh lovey, you sound like you might have depression. This certainly describes how I feel when I am not on antidepressant medication. Worth making an appointment with a GP, see what a professional thinks?
Sounds absolutely like depression.
The common view of depression is "very very sad" but it often isnt - its an absence of feeling happy, or really feeling much of anything. The things that used to bring you joy now just feel like "things to do", your emotional world is muted shades of mostly grey.
Depression my love. It's ok.
Go see the GP x
Another saying PND please talk to your GP and/health visitor before it's too late for your relationship. Take Care
PND could be a factor and it would be a good idea to get checked out by your gp. Having an EBF little baby is very intense and tiring.
However from your post I think DP's attitude to your parents has caused a rift between you, you're hurt and angry with him and it isn't being talked about, hence communication between you being so difficult. It doesn't sound like he is very empathic - has he really no idea why you are unhappy? The comment about hobbies seems very out of tune to me. Who has hobbies when they have a tiny baby?
I think you need a frank discussion with him - he isn't picking up on how you are feeling, so you need to lay it all out on the table for him. I can't comment on who is right about contact with your parents, because I don't know enough about his reasoning or their behaviour, but there is a disconnect between you that is driving you apart.
Sounds like PND. Go and see your doctor.
Also, your DP could probably do with reading up on it. It isn't within his power to 'make' another person happy, it isn't his responsibility, he isn't failing you. Try your best to talk with him about it.
You need to see either your GP quickly, it is the first step
towards helping yourself, also let your DP know how you feel so he doesn't feel shut out. Counselling might help, and if anyone offers help take it, when I felt like you asking for help was difficult, but I could take offered help. Hugs
Have you posted about the issue between your DH and your parents before, OP? Business and finance?
Ah OP you are me! It's called feeling disassociated to yourself and it's part of depression possibly post natal. I've just gone on anti depressants. See your GP they'll sort you out. It's not really you Its hormones etc from my limited experience
Read this and see if it makes sense.
Go the GP. It may be just like the picture, but it still needs to be done.
Definitely contact the health visitor or gp as the others have said. My children’s centre were also incredible when I was struggling. I have had counselling through them twice and they provided a crèche. There’s also IAPT services you can self refer to, google iapt and there’s a link to nhs choices where you can search for a service. Waiting lists can be very long though.pandas run support groups.
As for the relationship have a look at harry bensons book, let’s stick together. Care for the family run courses for it as well. Google them. I have just done the training to deliver it and even though it’s aimed at new parents, it has improved my relationship with dh no end. What you are going through is really common sadly but it is fixable.
Sending you tonnes of love and hugs. You are not alone.
If you’re the OP I think you are, there’s a lot more to the situation with your OH and your parents then is apparent here, isn’t there?
Are you the op with the parents that buggered up a business and were arseholes to your dp costing lots of money?
If you're the OP I think you are then you need to get some sort of counselling to help you come to terms with the situation between your DH and you parents because it's not going to change.
Speak to your GP about possible PND as well.
Thank you for the replies it's definitely not PND as I've felt like this before DS2 was born.
I didn't think it was depression as I am happy/laugh sometimes? E.g. I enjoyed myself the other week at playgroup with my DCs, I laughed and enjoyed watching my toddler trying to catch up with his older cousins at the park etc
But then I'm alone or I'm back at home and just feel weird again...
@Notevilstepmother the "yay" picture made me laugh I can actually relate to that but I'm also constantly worrying how I come across to other people.
To a few posters that mentioned it yes I'm the op you're thinking of. But to clarify that's just a small bit of the background and the more I analyse the situation the more I can see my DP was no angel either but I will not go into it and as it is I am supporting him with his decision.
@Greensleeves We have talked about the situation in the past, it caused a big rift due to how much I was hurting - just to clarify I'm not saying he hurt me, the 3 of them created the situation. But it hurt nevertheless due to how it ruined our family situation and we had some counselling to help with this.
Obviously the situation is still present and I'm finding it difficult but I'm managing it best I can and we don't talk about it much now as we've exhausted the subject really.
I agree, you sound like you may have depression.
Also, a bit of practical advice - have a tiny, cheap wedding and sort out your house. Either extra space, or extra storage, and a big declutter. It will make life a lot easier.
It doesn’t really matter in some ways what the root cause is, parents, business etc, if it’s depression it needs dealing with, and a visit to the GP is the first step, or a chat with the midwife or HV.
How about the I feel nothing? Is that it some of the time?
Mild depression might be feeling that way some of the time maybe?
I’m not a doctor, I’m someone who’s fought depression and am hopefully winning, certainly much better than I was. So I’m not an expert, but I do have some idea.
There is a question thing the doctors give me, I will see if I can find it.
Maybe have some counselling on your own instead of together, then you can have a good rant about it all without hurting anyone’s feelings and that might make you feel better.
Post or Pre Natal Depression it doesn't really matter it still sounds very much like Depression. You get good days and bad days just like with any illness, just because you're happy one day doesn't dismiss the rest of the month you feel nothing IYSWIM. You definitely need to see a HCP about this sweetie.
The situation with your parents and DP could very well have been a trigger for this and the more you ignore it the worse it will get.
Hi OP. I've been in a similar situation in as much as I've had issues between my DP and my DM (DF no longer around). The issues weren't my fault but caused massive stress and my DP and DM are now no contact. I've got a baby too. I felt worse and worse for about a year after the baby was born. I thought I might be depressed but it didn't feel like the PND I had before. Anyway I started anti d's and counselling and taking more time for myself away from DM and DP.
I've come to realise that I'm not actually depressed as such, more down and stressed about the situation that really wasn't my fault where I suffered a lot of the consequences.
I'm now feeling a bit better because I can see what the factors making me feel down are and am taking more control over the relationships including avoiding situations/people that make me feel bad.
I'm not feeling amazing by any means but at least I know what the issues are. It's very difficult as I don't think the relationship with my DM will ever been the same and I'm considering separating from my DP (other issues too).
I guess what I'm saying is don't underestimate how much this stuff going on around you will affect you and it's a horrible place being in the middle of those you love the most (and who are supposed to love you most).
Thanks @Notevilstepmother . Unfortunately we can't really afford counselling or anything like that ATM.
The NHS test is inconclusive as I definitely don't think it'd be better off dead and/or hurting myself as I have DC to look after, same goes for some of the other questions such as the sleep one.
My HV is coming tomorrow but I'm not sure if I can bring myself to mention it. When I see my GP/midwife or anyone like that it's like a switch goes off and I think to myself that my problems must be so menial in comparison to other issues you can have and I end up just saying everything's going well etc I just feel like I'm being dramatic.
I usually feel up and down through the day sometimes I don't have "bad and good days" they're all just "days" IYKWIM, also in situations when I know it's expected of me to act a certain way (especially if it's happy, excited etc) I seem to clam up.
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