To think my SIL’s don’t like me.......

[Hotwaterbottlequeen]

.....Because I’m not overly interested/ invested in their children?

Bit of background, I’m a sociable person with lots of friends, so it’s not that people generally just don’t like ‘me’ if that makes sense? I got on well with one SIL (DB’s Wife) well before she had children. DH’s sister I have never particularly gelled with even before she had DC.

Now my dilemma/ paranoid thoughts is/ are I’m not overly bothered about children, if I’m honest I find them a little dull/ irritating at times. I’m happy enough to play with them for a bit and to enquire about their lives etc to their mums, but after a few hours I need to talk about something else other than ‘the children’

Both my SIL’s are very mumsy mums if that makes sense? They’ve kinda given up everything now they’ve had children and their whole live revolves around/ focuses solely on the children. They don’t like to talk about anything else and neither of them since having children 5 years ago have enquired into my life or asked how I am. The only time one of them really pays any interest in me is to ask when DH and I are going to ‘hurry up and have kiddies.’

They are both pretty cool towards me nowadays and I get the sense that me buying the children presents for birthdays and christmases and playing with them when I see them etc isn’t enough....because in truth I probably only see the children about 3 times a year. I sense that there is resentment there on both sides because of this, and probably the fact that I don’t often message either of them asking about the children much. In truth, when I’m with either of them in person ALL I chat about is their children, but I guess in between seeing them I don’t really speak to either of them.

I’m not close to either of them and in all honesty, have v little in common with either of them.

I’m just wondering mums of mumsnet, is this, would this be an issue for you? Do you mind if someone who isn’t very interested in children doesn’t take a shit load of interest in your child? Or does it offend you?

You can be honest!

[Welshlovebicuit]

My ex SIL started screaming at me that I was rude for not speaking to her 4 year old at a family party LOL! I just stood there laughing :-)

[westeringhome]

They are probably fully aware that you find your own nieces / nephews "a little dull / irritating" and maybe they feel the same way about you.

[QuiteLikely5]

I see your point but you are an aunty are you not?

If you ever have children you will understand why it’s so nice when your nearest and dearest take an interest. Three times per year just doesn’t cut it.

[Hotwaterbottlequeen]

Weathering- They probably find my dogs dull and irritating, they’ve never expressed an interest in dogs, hence why I don’t talk about my dogs. Or at last not for a whole afternoon without changing the subject, it would bore them and I couldn’t really feel affronted about that as it would hardly be unreasonable of them. They pay them no interest/ attention either and never have. One insists they are shut in the utility when they come and visit. Do I get affronted about that though- no?

[Pagwatch]

Is it not more likely that you just don't have much in common?


My MIL was very cool towards me because she thought I was too pre-occupied with my DS but I found it hard to listen to her describing the last five meals she had cooked or eaten.
I didn't dislike her because of it but I found it harder and harder to find things to talk to her about. It's just a lack of things in common sometimes.

[westeringhome]

Dogs are not people so that's not really a fair point.

[Mum2jenny]

Dogs can be much better than people westeringhome

[gingeristhenewblack43]

If you only see your nieces / nephews 3 x a year does that mean you only see your SILs that many times also? Maybe you could arrange an afternoon out with SILs occasionally where their DHs have the kids: nice coffee and cake catch up.

You could talk about topics that involve the kids per se: where are you going on holiday this year? And they may talk about meeting their child's needs in terms of holiday, then you say well what do you want out of the holiday, which expands the conversation further. Then: we were thinking of going to ... have you ever been?

I appreciate that they only talk about their kids. That maybe because they have nothing else in common with you to talk about, OR that they genuinely have nothing else to talk about. Small children are pretty demanding of time and mental energy.

[HildaZelda]

My SIL's hate me, but it's okay because I hate them too! My BIL's ex wife and I get on great though. Shame BIL is such a massive dickhead himself. She had a lucky escape.

[Dottie39]

Well, dogs aren't quite the same or comparable given one of them are animals and the other are actually people you are related to. Also they no doubt sense you find the children irritating and dull... I don't mind if someone isn't interested in my kids, bit don't expect me to feign interest I your life either, or your dull dog.

[Mammylamb]

Just because you are an auntie doesn’t mean your life should revolve around them. Before I had my son, I was always the one expected to make an effort to visit family. Since I’ve had ds, my older brother and sister have not visited me once. Your life isn’t any less important because you don’t have kids

[witchofzog]

Dogs are not people but at the same time they are important to their owners. And no conversation should revolve solely around one person's life, children etc. I know people who since having children can't seem to talk about anything else. And I agree it can be very boring.

It sounds like you are at different life stages and had you not been related you probably would not choose to be friends. It's probably just this and nothing personal

[lurkingnotlurking]

I don't think it matters. If you had other things to talk about and enjoyed each others' company, this wouldn't need to be an issue. But you don't have those things. Carry on as you are, I think.

[GreenTulips]

I have friends who aren't interested in the kids and I'm totally fine with that! I'm a person too and I like to take politics, work, holidays, tv ANYTHING other than parenting!

They are rude to talk about the kids all day long - they are showing you no thought or consideration!

No loss of your part - ignore

[itshappening]

It is ridiculous that they can only talk about their kids, even over several hours! There is not reason they can't ask more about you, or talk about other general topics. Also they are very rude and tactless asking when you are going to have kids.

[TheyMadeMeSignUp]

They sound dull, I’d focus on your other friends and just keep up the civil chit chat with your SILs. They must lack self awareness to think that everyone else is as interested in their children as they are. Also it’s rude not to ask you anything about yourself.

[JenniferYellowHat1980]

They sound boring. I wouldn't worry too much about it, just continue to be civil.

[MeadowHay]

Whilst I agree with the general concensus that it's not a big deal that you're not super close/have things in common with your SILs, I do think it's really sad that you only see your nieces and nephews 3 times a year and have no interest in them . I grew up miles away from any aunties and uncles and I was so jealous of people who had lots of extended family around. I would have been really upset as a child if I had an auntie nearby (if you are nearby!) who I only saw 3X a year. I used to see my UK-based auntie around that much and we lived quite far away from each other.

[OCSockOrphanage]

SUggest an outing to an exhibition, without coffee and cake. \much more interesting!

[peachgreen]

Sounds like you don't like them much either so I guess it doesn't really matter?

[LuluJakey1]

I have two small DC and try not to talk about them too much. Partly because I am delighted to have the opportunity to talk about non-DC things and use my mind, but partly because I know they are not very interesting to other people. I think when we have children we are so devoted to them we forget others are not as obsessed or fascinated by our DC. I spent the first 35 yrs of my life completely uninterested in children.

[f83mx]

Doesn't offend ! I don't like talking about kids endlessly and i have them - I relish non-kid based chat! But these aren't just 'her' children (as you describe), they are your brothers too - they are your family (brother, sil, AND the children) so generally its polite/nice to make a bit of an effort. Also you might not be a fan of them whilst they're really young, but you might really enjoy spending time with them as they get older - I suppose it depends how important notion of family is to you - if you can't be arsed, don't be!

[fitbitbore]

I agree dogs are much more interesting than children and I have children ha

[crocodarl]

I feel apologetic when I'm around friends/family who don't have kids... because I KNOW I don't talk about much else at the moment bcause there isn't room for much else in my life just now. Doesn't mean I wouldn't be up for talking about anything else,. I love hearing stuff about work/travel/leisure activities basically everything in adult life that has nothing to do with kids, but I'm a bit out of touch with it, so I'd need a bit of help to get started on a good topic... do you ever think of juicy stuff to tell them, or do you just wait for an opportunity to talk about yourself?

[Liara]

I've never much liked children - however I have always taken a great interest in my nieces and nephews. Not because they are children, but because they will one day become interesting people that I would love to have a relationship with, and the best way to develop it is to start when they are young.

And you know what? When you do get to know them they aren't dull or boring. They are small people who are taking in everything the world has to throw to them as quickly as they can, and developing their own personalities, interests and passions. And more and more every year. Mine are now going into teenage and I can have very interesting conversations with them indeed, and I hope that will continue and increase for a long time.

As a parent who has some close family who was completely disinterested in my children I admit that it did put me off them - it just seems callous and uncaring to me. I don't think my children are any more fascinating than anyone else's, but I'd like close relatives to put in enough effort to get to know them as individuals.