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Am I Being Ungrateful Here?

(14 Posts)
zukiecat Tue 16-Jan-18 12:59:01

To give you a bit of back story, I struggle with finances and making ends meet and have done for many years, I'm a single parent to two, now adult daughters, one of whom left Home a year ago, the other still lives with me. I have health issues so only work part time, and my DD has serious mental health issues so isn't working at all now. I have a very unsupportive family who are not interested in us at all mainly. My mother in particular is toxic and I am very low contact with her.

The issue is this: An elderly aunt gave my mother £60 to put on an Asda gift card for me which of course was very kind and I have written to say Thankyou to her, and I do appreciate it.

The £60 had to be split in two though, £30 before Christmas and £30 in January, my birthday is next week so I expectedI would get it then. My mother has just told me that I'm not getting it just yet as "I will only spend it" and it has to go on the original card, she won't get another one, I'm not sure I even have it any more! I did ask if my aunt wants me to have the money could I not just buy the gift card myself and I'd send on the receipts to show that I hadn't just "spent the money"

I am appreciative of my aunt giving me this gift and as I have said have already written and sent her a Thankyou letter, but there just seems to be so many conditions attached that it's taken the joy out of it

Not sure what my AIBU is really, just seems that there is no pleasure in this gift at all

KurriKurri Tue 16-Jan-18 13:06:55

It sounds incredibly unreasonable (of them not you) why didn;t the aunt send the money directly to you, why did it have to go through your mother ?
Is the splitting of it your Mum's idea or the aunt's ?
As for your Mum saying you'll only spend it - well what else are you supposed to do with an ASDA card ?

I think it is just your Mum being controlling and unpleasant (sorry) not sure what part the aunt is playing in this set up. Can you contact her and say 'thank you very much for the money, but I don't have it as motner won't hand it over'

zukiecat Tue 16-Jan-18 13:14:50

My mother always has been very controlling, and my aunt can be too, I'm not sure whose idea it was to split the money, but it is the kind of thing my mother would do

maddening Tue 16-Jan-18 13:17:50

Surely the idea of sending you a gift card is that you do spend it

zukiecat Tue 16-Jan-18 13:26:03

You would think so maddening but my mother is so controlling that she takes issue with the things I buy

Not that she'd know what I spent it on, but the though I might waste it on items her and my aunt deem to be unnecessary

TenancyTroublesAgain Tue 16-Jan-18 13:37:14

Yanbu. Saying you'll only spend it? Did she want you to eat it?

Don't get it.

Pengggwn Tue 16-Jan-18 13:53:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissionItsPossible Tue 16-Jan-18 13:58:19

Was the decision to split it your mother's or your aunts? Honestly, from the sound of it, I'd tell her to keep it and stay away from me as much as possible unless she can change her controlling behaviour.

zukiecat Tue 16-Jan-18 14:02:11


No offence taken, I don't have a lot of money but I do try and spend what I have wisely

I have no issue with buying essentials with the money, I would never waste it on clothes or books/magazines etc

But if I bought a bar of chocolate for a wee treat for example, my mother would snatch it out of my trolley while making a fuss about luxuries

When I say she takes issue with what I buy, I mean I always buy free

Pengggwn Tue 16-Jan-18 14:02:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zukiecat Tue 16-Jan-18 14:03:58

Posted by mistake!

Meant to say I always buy things like free range eggs, she thinks I should buy caged hen eggs which is something I will never do

I'd rather have less of something than compromise principles

Magicnumbers Tue 16-Jan-18 14:11:03

OP, this sounds like they see you as a child, but why does your mother go shopping with you (you mention her taking things out for f your trolley? Why was she shopping with you then?)

Also, clothes from Asda is not some extravagant luxury, surely? How did they want the money to be spent?

EvaTheOptimist Tue 16-Jan-18 14:11:30

I'm not sure how you can sort this out and also maintain your VERY SENSIBLE low contact with your mother.

First tell her not to put the £30 on the original card, as you no longer have it, so it would be completely wasted. (How does the money get put on? Does she have to be physically with the card, or do it remotely with a code number?)

Any sensible person would just give you the cash, but I can we are not dealing with sensible people here.

If she won't put the second £30 on a card OR give you the cash, then yes, after a reasonable length of time I think it would be worth letting your aunt know that the second £30 never reached you.

You MAY have to accept that you will never see the second £30 due to the combined unreasonableness of both your aunt and your mother.

zukiecat Tue 16-Jan-18 14:21:03


Just in the past, this wasn't recently, it's just the kind of thing she does

I think I will just accept that I will never see the second £30, as she would never just go to Asda, put it on a new card and send it to me

I will, in a few weeks contact my aunt,thank her again for her offer, but regret that I never received the second part, and tell her the reason why

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