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I think I hate my midwife

(84 Posts)
Situp Tue 16-Jan-18 12:05:16

So I am 38 weeks pregnant with my 3rd child. First 2 were born in the UK. DS was planned homebirth with transfer to hospital and then forceps because of placenta position and cord holding him in. DD was elective caesarean because she was breach. Community and hospital MWs were amazing.

This baby is being born in another country and basically my MW is always telling me that everything I plan and have been advised in the UK is wrong and it is really getting me down.

I want to avoid an epidural if possible because I don't want to stay in hospital. However, midwife is telling me that all other pain relief is bad for the baby so I should either have the epidural or have no pain relief at all.

She says I can't have a bath for 3 weeks after the birth because it causes infections but they were my salvation after my first.

She won't do sweeps because they cause infection but they won't let me go more than 10 days over before induction. I really don't want to be induced but babies are generally late in our family and DS was 12 days over.

She doesn't want DH in the delivery room. She says she will guide me through the process. I have put my foot down about this as there is nobody I want there more than him.

I could list hundreds of things she has said which are contrary to the way we do things in the Uk but these are probably the biggest.

My AIBU is this: should I be able to expect an element of flexibility because I come from a different country and because I have done this before or should I just suck it up? A lot of what she says doesn't even make sense to me and I feel that because I am foreign the fact that I have already had 2 children and therefore experience doesn't count.

She hasn't had children FWIW.

IrkThePurist Tue 16-Jan-18 12:06:25

I'd be looking for a new midwife.

Outnotdown Tue 16-Jan-18 12:09:56

She sounds dire. Can you get a different midwife. If she's this bad now, it'll be awful during labour. Poor yousad

Situp Tue 16-Jan-18 12:10:27

Have looked at this but Sadly because of the way the system works here, midwives only have one birth at a time so they are booked up at this stage. There is an insurance scheme here rather than the NHS style setup so you have to engage your own midwife and there are none available in my local area sad

FizzyGreenWater Tue 16-Jan-18 12:10:58

Change midwife. Seriously.

Apart from the fact that everything she says sounds batshit (roughly where are you by the way?!) - you need to have a LOT more confidence in your care than you have right now in order to feel relaxed and ok going into the birth, plus alarn bells are ringing about how dogmatic she seems to be - she sounds frankly like the last kind of person I'd want near me when giving birth - bossy, bullying, my-way-or-the-highway.

Can you change? And other than that, do you know if her opinions are hers, or just a function of where you are - what is the culture of birth like?

CruCru Tue 16-Jan-18 12:11:58

Where are you? I know that gas and air aren't used in the US (although am happy to be corrected) but I don't know about other countries.

BarbarianMum Tue 16-Jan-18 12:12:22

Is this midwife typical of those in the country you are in, do you think.

Flexibility would be nice, but I can't imagine midwives in any country going against their training to follow protocols laid down in other countries tbh.

So, for the pain relief. Are the options you are wanting offered in the country/hospital you are going to give birth in? If so, then you can have them.

For the bath - is the tap water as safe where you are as in the UK? If so, you an ignore your midwife, yes?

AmberTopaz Tue 16-Jan-18 12:12:42

YANBU to try and have the birth you want, but I think you also need to recognise that different countries have different methods and the UK one may not always be right in every case.

Pain relief - what is available? What would you like to have that she is advising you against?

Baths - ignore her. She can’t stop you!!

Sweep - you can’t force her to perform a sweep so you have to accept this one. You could try to delay induction by a couple of days I guess.

Hope it goes well OP flowers

FizzyGreenWater Tue 16-Jan-18 12:12:53

Can you go non-local?

Seriously, she sounds crap as well as unpleasant. I wouldn't be able to trust her judgement. Her training sounds lacking at least - all other pain relief bad for the baby? No baths? Just not credible pronouncements.

ciaobella88 Tue 16-Jan-18 12:12:54

What country are you in?

TheQueenOfWands Tue 16-Jan-18 12:13:17

I had an epidural and was home less than 24 hours later. Might he okay.

But you need a new midwife. This one sounds a bit odd. Can you request a better one?

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders Tue 16-Jan-18 12:13:25

Having children doesn’t make you a better midwife (necessarily) but actually listening to the evidence definitely does. Nothing she seems to be suggesting is evidence based and that worries me.

mummmyj Tue 16-Jan-18 12:13:59

Hated my midwife too but she was nothing like this!! Tell her to go and do one.. this is your baby and your birth she should support you in your decisions otherwise I would find out where to put in a complaint and how to change.. good luck with everything x

retirednow Tue 16-Jan-18 12:15:26

What country are you in, do they have obstetricians who you can see instead. She can't stop you having a bath, can't deny you pain relief surely. How far are you from another midwife. It sounds awful.

FizzyGreenWater Tue 16-Jan-18 12:16:01

Also how forceful are you?

Because when it comes to it - yes you will have a fucking bath thanks. No, you aren't inducing me before 13 days because it's my body and I say so.

Re pain relief - that should indeed come down to what's offered in the country. Can you talk to someone else at the hospital about the options and what happens if your midwife prevents you accessing pain relief that is available?

Is consultant care an option if you are birthing in hospital?

IrkThePurist Tue 16-Jan-18 12:16:52

Good grief, you pay for insurance and get no choice?

Situp Tue 16-Jan-18 12:18:25

I am in Austria. Unfortunately the system here is that you can only leave without the requisite 3 days in hospital if you have a MW. I really don't want to stay in so I feel stuck.

The upside is that for the actual birth I think the doctors have the control and DH has no qualms about offending people so I am confident that he will advocate for me.

She told me off because I had the pill and then the Merina coil and she things that is too much hormone so it will impede my ability to give birth.confused

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders Tue 16-Jan-18 12:22:32

She told me off because I had the pill and then the Merina coil and she things that is too much hormone so it will impede my ability to give birth

Whaaaaat?!

Situp Tue 16-Jan-18 12:23:19

It is a relief to know that baths are still ok. I have no qualms about doing things and just not saying anything.

I am confident that when push comes to shove I will stand my ground but I don't want to have to.

I had such amazing MW care in the UK and felt that my wishes were at the forefront of everything. I know I will have to woman up because I can't change now but I really wish i didn't have to.

Tobebythesea Tue 16-Jan-18 12:23:25

Please get a new midwife. You need to be happy.

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders Tue 16-Jan-18 12:24:08

Just FYI the hormones in hormonal contraceptives have nothing to do with oxytocin (the labour hormone) release. Which you probably know.

Situp Tue 16-Jan-18 12:24:12

But thanks for the messages. Having a horde of angry women on my side, albeit in cyber space is surprisingly reassuring grin

IrkThePurist Tue 16-Jan-18 12:25:53

You're in Australia? Just dont bath with any salt water crocs or jellyfish and you'll be fine grin

nutnerk Tue 16-Jan-18 12:28:06

I was going to give you support and advice until you said She hasn't had children FWIW.

She has trained and studied for the job. Don't be a dick.

Situp Tue 16-Jan-18 12:29:44

@ambertopaz
I had gas and air which really worked for me.

@retirednow
All the pre-natal care is done by a gynocologist until the 38th week when your midwife gets involved if you want to have birth where you can leave the same or next day. Hence this hasn't come up before, but I had to engage her at 20 weeks and I was limited because speaking English was important for me so I can be clear on what is happening given my not shit but limited German

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