Asking my ex for an extra weeks holiday with our teenager

[ready2glow]

My son is 15 1/2 and very mature for his age. Ive been to court several times with his father a very difficult angry screaming Italian who's tried several times to get full custody and live in Italy. he's never won.
Our son lives with me and 10 years ago court order set out that we split half the school holidays and alternative weekends.
We have deviated from this and out of good faith Ive always tried to be reasonable and EVERY school holiday I have given more to his father so he can take him to visit his Italian family. This has happened every holiday for 10 years. Sometimes I have allowed him to have the whole holiday!
Now I wish to have the 2 weeks at Easter to take our son on a once in a lifetime trip to Thailand. I know he needs this extra stimulation and the benefits for him. I have asked his father if just for once he would mind we take the 2 weeks of the easter holiday rather than just the one week so we can go to Thailand, I have even offered more if he want s ALL of the Summer holidays in return and he has refused.

I sent him several heartfelt messages asking him to meet together to discuss this matter I usually get along abusive texts back. Now after one angry message where he claims he's already booked eater off work and the trip to go to Italy he's gone silent. I know because i know him so well he will now be in touch with his lawyer to get her to write me a letter for suggesting i breach the custody order.

Am I being unreasonable when we have adapted this order in the past every time to suit his needs?

Also may i add my son does not want to go to Italy this easter but much prefers to in the summer

[IrkThePurist]

I dont think you've been unreasonable, and you can prove you've been flexible about dates in court. And your son is getting old enough to make his own decisions now.
So you wouldn't be trying to score points by fighting for this.

[FluffyWuffy100]

At 15 I wouldn't think you had to stick so rigidly to the contact order and it would be mor child led? Or am I well off?

Isn't it for the benefit of the child not the parent?

Any reasonable partner woudl say "sure son, enjoy Thailand and we can have a lovely summer together in Italy"

[Allthebestnamesareused]

I would leave it this year as I assume your son has gcses this summer and a long haul trip this Easter is probably not best preparatio neither is the arguing between parents.

Why not ask for the following year when he is in year 12 AND it gives you longer to persuade his Dad that he should go.

[TeenTimesTwo]

I'm presuming you don't live in England with son in y11. If you do then YABVU to do a long haul holiday for 2 weeks during critical revision time.

Otherwise YANBU.

[PinkHeart5914]

At 15 and 1/2 seriously what is the court going to do?

You have adapted school holidays for him over the years, now your just asking him ho be a grown up and do the same for you. IF your ds wants to go to Thailand instead of with his father at Easter, I’d be booking Thailand and we’d be going

[Didntcomeheretofuckspiders]

Can’t your son just tell him that he wants to go on holiday with you and he’ll have to suck it up? He’s 15 ffs!

[bemusedSpectator]

I think it's a shame how the advice is different here for fathers and mothers.

If this were reversed then you'd be told to refuse and contact a lawyer yet when it's a father who wants to spend time with their child you should ignore it!

[ready2glow]

At BemusedSpector Honestly I always given him more holiday than me, even all. allowed him to see him midweek. I have allowed him to have the entire Christmas new year holidays before so he could take him to italy but he's never let us do the same...
We live in the UK.
The reason i wish to go this year is that he does not sit GCsEs until NEXT year.
My son has only just started to come out of his shell after years of trauma from past court cases etc and he s very intelligent but feels under stimulated at the moment. I want to give him the trip of a lifetime! he's taken a keen interest in photography and as ive had training in this area im keen to take him to this amazing country as myself i know very well. My son constantly expresses an interest to travel beyond Spain or Italy which are the 2 places he visits every year

Can I get a court order does anyone know?

[Alittleconcerned1980]

It’s odd you want to help your son get over the trauma of past court cases by taking him on holiday, and yet you ask if you can get a court order to take him on that very holiday.

It’s an odd situation a round. At your son’s age I would hope that he would be able to talk to his father and articulate that he would like to spend two weeks with you given all the time in holidays he has spent with his father.

[mummmy2017]

Tell the father since he is so KEEN to keep to the letter of the agreement, your totally agreeing with him.
You see how unfair you have been and as such this summer you will keep to he has one weekend you have the other, and also since he had this xmas it's your turn this year, and you would like to thank him for pointing this out to you....

[helenoftroyville]

If the past court cases have caused your DS so much trauma, perhaps going back to court to get more time to take him on holiday to get over the trauma isn't the best idea?

Why don't you rather find a week long holiday closer to home?

[araiwa]

Why cant you go in the summer holiday?

Taking the whole easter holiday means he doesnt get to see his father for a very long time.

How is 2 weeks in thailand a once in a lifetime holiday? Its about the same price as 2 weeks in spain. It sounds like youre overexageratting it to try get your own way

[ready2glow]

Alittleconcerned1980 ...i dont think i made myself clear Ithe holiday is to encourage the things he loves to do.
I thought a court order would mean a quick decision by the judge not a long drawn out trial as in the past
I know for the fact my ex will be seeking legal advice and would go hell for leather down the hard road this is what he has always done.
I am merely enquiring whats best to be done
I have obviously requested a meeting so we can talk but he's not responding

[spiritofadventure]

Ask your son what he wants to do, he's almost 16!

Can't imagine the courts enforcing something your son didn't want.

[ready2glow]

araiwa...no a week in spain costs us about £300 we have friends other who we stay with and hardly spend anything.
believe you me I have been saving for this trip for a long time and it will be the best holiday I have ever shown my son

[ready2glow]

Also araiwa in summer the flights are so much more expensive. Also my son only get 5 weeks holiday and my ex likes to take my son away for 3 1/2 to 4 weeks to stay to see family. I have always obliged.

surely it now my turn to have a longer holiday than one week with my son?

[alotalotalot]

Just tell him fine if that is what he wants but that you will also enforce the rules in future if that is how he is going to play it and then tell him which weeks are available to him in the summer preferably the ones which are least favourable to him

If that doesn't work then at 15 I would do what your Ds wants as no court is going override his wishes.

[saoirse31]

I'd be slightly concerned at son feeling under stimulated... Would you not be better off trying to expand his range of activities and interests at home, to avoid him feeling low... Holidays are unlikely to chge much tbh.

[Megs4x3]

You can stop giving your ex extra time beyond the order and you can ask the court to give permission for the holiday you want. I doubt, under the circumstances, it would be refused. However, would it help if your son told his father that he wants to go? And weigh up what would happen if you just went too. (Probably not a lot.) Often pushy ex's push because they can and are using intimidation tactics. If you push back, especially with an almost 16-year-old who agrees with you, your ex might (is likely to?) just back off.

[Northernparent68]

To be fair to your sons father, he’s trying to be involved in his sons life.if he does nt see him at Easter, it will be mean he has to go from Xmas to the summer before seeing him. You have your son living with you, can’t you’ve generous over this

[Megs4x3]

PS At 15 1/2 if your DS decided he didn't want to go on holidays with his father at all, a court is unlikely to make him, so take that into account in your decision making. You've given Dad more than he was ordered; it's time for him to be a bit flexible. From what you say, if you ask court permission he's likely to blow it up into a big thing, so don't just do it. How long is the court order in place for. 16? 18? Dad is going to have to get used to DS making his own decisions about where he spends his holidays very soon anyway. Other's clearly agree, but I don't see a problem with a holiday of a life-time at almost 16. It sounds wonderful.

[swingofthings]

Has your DS actually spoke to his dad and explained why he wants to go? To be honest, at almost 16, he can more or less do what he wants, I doubt a judge would force him to go and see his dad in these circumstances.

[Megs4x3]

@Northernparent68, the court ordered alternate weekends; the father doesn't live in Italy so only seeing the DS with months in between. Don't you think ready2glow has been very generous up to now?

[ready2glow]

He sees his dad every other weekend and almost aways in the week after school as well as more than half of all school holidays!

[Someoneasdumbasthis]

What does your DS want to do?