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AIBU in saying I've not had kids (possible trigger)

(73 Posts)
Doesitgoto11 Mon 15-Jan-18 22:57:05

So. I've put the trigger warning since actually if I were me then it could if that makes sense?

I had to go to late term pregnancy before miscarrying when I was late teens. Turns out as I'm approaching 40 that it was the only chance I ever had at being pregnant.

I've now had - for health reasons - a hysterectomy.

Bearing in mind what I had to go through that late on have I 'actually' had a child? To me I have. And I remember her birthday every year. It breaks my heart every year.

But to the rest of the world I'm a childless spinster.

I'm really not a parent am I? I'm just someone who has had a child? I don't have any of the experience or knowledge of the years that follow.

I'm a bit lost as to what I am really.

Whatshallidonowpeople Mon 15-Jan-18 22:59:15

I don't have any advice, just to say I'm sorry for your loss.

Allthewaves Mon 15-Jan-18 22:59:16

You a mum.

silvousplaitmerci Mon 15-Jan-18 22:59:38

You are most definitely a mother and a brave one at that.

Have you ever sought counselling for your grief? flowers

DPotter Mon 15-Jan-18 23:01:42

I think you’re a Mum. You carried a child

Ghanagirl Mon 15-Jan-18 23:02:12

You're a mother who lost her baby at a young age in really sad circumstances.
I’m sorry for your loss💐💐

clairethewitch70 Mon 15-Jan-18 23:02:24

You are a bereaved mother flowers

deai Mon 15-Jan-18 23:03:02

Sorry for everything that's happened that must have been so hard. flowers

You're a mother, you've had a pregnancy and you had a daughter, so I would say you're definitely a parent

TheCrossKeys Mon 15-Jan-18 23:03:09

You are a mum to a little girl who for her entire life knew nothing but love, security and warmth flowers

scrabbler3 Mon 15-Jan-18 23:03:22

Fwiw I'd regard you as a mother but obviously how you identify is up to you. I hope you're ok OP.

CantRememberHoliday Mon 15-Jan-18 23:03:51

100% a mother flowers

Greensleeves Mon 15-Jan-18 23:03:56

You're a mother who has lost a child

I'm so sorry flowers

Flowers456 Mon 15-Jan-18 23:04:52

Of course you are a mother, so sorry op flowers

ReasonableLlama Mon 15-Jan-18 23:07:33

How do you want to see yourself?

I know someone who would say they have 2 children but they have 2 living children and one stillborn as it's too painful to acknowledge the child they lost. And I know people who have miscarried who do something to remember their child on every anniversary.

SoozC Mon 15-Jan-18 23:09:26

I'm so sorry for your loss. flowers

I had a mc 2 months ago. I call myself a mum, even though it was only 8 weeks. For the 4 weeks I knew, I had all the hopes and dreams that any other mum has.

It may sound silly to some, but that's how I feel and it helps, a little.

BanginChoons Mon 15-Jan-18 23:09:29

I am so sorry you lost your little girl. She was born, you are her mother. You do not have a child but you have had a child.

Have you considered looking up SANDS? I volunteer for the group local to me, after losing my daughter 8 years ago. We have people come to group many years after their loss.

Mrsmadevans Mon 15-Jan-18 23:11:10

Of course you are a mother and you should explain to people my dear, your darling daughter deserves to be acknowledged with pride and love and respect. I am so sorry. I think I would be devastated if I were in your shoes, l was severely mentally and emotionally scarred from a late miscarriage so I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I so hope you are able to find some comfort from other children, or nephews or nieces. Children are so healing for us in our times of need.

Bambamber Mon 15-Jan-18 23:12:20

You are a mother and don't let anyone else make you feel any other way flowers

Outlookmainlyfair Mon 15-Jan-18 23:19:09

Sorry for your loss. You are the only person who can define yourself in any valid way.
We are all the sum of all our experiences, it is just sad that you had such a heartbreak that is so felt by you but seems to be invisible to others.

unicornthong Mon 15-Jan-18 23:20:19

You're an Angel Mum, OP. Your little girl is no longer with you but she was still born.

Would you feel okay telling us her name?

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert Mon 15-Jan-18 23:22:31

A child who has lost his parents is an orphan, sadly there is no name for a parent who has lost a child.
You are a mother.

I agree with the pp who mentions contacting SANDS.


meandmytinfoilhat Mon 15-Jan-18 23:28:24

You have a child, you're a mum.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP thanks

TheHeartOfTeFiti Mon 15-Jan-18 23:32:02

Yes you are a mum to a stillborn child - miscarriage undermines the gravity of what you went through.

hungryhippo90 Mon 15-Jan-18 23:38:18

yes, you are a mother.

really sorry for your loss.

AhhhhThatsBass Mon 15-Jan-18 23:39:08

You felt her kicking and growing inside you. The very sad fact that she didn’t survive doesn’t lessen the fact that you are a mum. How could you not be? flowers

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