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AIBU?

Was I right? DS doesn't think so.

54 replies

Fireandwaterfalls · 15/01/2018 21:14

DS (16) has a solid group of friends. Known each other for ages, look out for each other, socialise a lot as a group.

They all talk to each other about everything and try to support each other with any problems.

He told me that one of them has been harming himself. He only told me because another parent found out and told me, and he filled in the details. This was not the parent of the boy involved. I do not know his family at all.

However, I work in the school the boy goes to. Under our safeguarding guidance, I raised it with the HT.

He was spoken to by her today, DS asked if I had said anything and I said I had. He was not happy at all and said he would not tell me anything in future. I explained why and said I was concerned.

Did I do the right thing? Will this ruin any trust in future?

Please be gentle, this was really upsetting for everyone involved.

OP posts:

Report

Snowysky20009 · 15/01/2018 21:16

Yes I would have told, as you have a duty of care, however I would have told your ds first and explained the reasoning

LokiBear · 15/01/2018 21:17

You absolutely did the right thing. Imagine he'd gone too far and killed himself, you'd have to live with the fact you could have helped. You are your ds's parent, you made a decision that he doesn't have the maturity to make at the minute. He will come to see that you were right. Be kind to yourself, be kind to him. But do not apologise or second guess yourself.

PhilODox · 15/01/2018 21:18

The first thing safeguarding teaches you is that you have to tell the child that you have to pass it on to protect them!

emma6776 · 15/01/2018 21:19

You 100% did the right thing.

Creasey31 · 15/01/2018 21:20

you were put in a hard situation and you did the right thing, this may open up some channels for the person to get some counselling and help so don’t beat yourself up

Iliketeabagging · 15/01/2018 21:21

It is best practice to advise a person about to make a disclosure that you might have to tell someone else what they have told you. That is a fairly normal safeguarding principle.

humblesims · 15/01/2018 21:21

I agree I think you did the correct thing.

user1955 · 15/01/2018 21:23

As you work in a school you have a legal obligation, so no choice in the matter.
You definitely did the right thing. If he came to serious harm without you trying to do something, you'd never forgive yourself.

Fireandwaterfalls · 15/01/2018 21:23

Imagine he'd gone too far and killed himself, you'd have to live with the fact you could have helped.

I said this to DS.

Loki your post made me cry.

OP posts:

overnightangel · 15/01/2018 21:23

You absolutely 100% did the right thing.

DailyMaileatmyshit · 15/01/2018 21:24

As far as your job goes, you followed procedure as you had to.

You should have told DS you were going to have to do this before you did it and also told him you would lose your job if you didn't (and it was found out).

However, from your son's perspective, it wouldn't surprise me if he does now keep things to himself as he won't know what you would have to inform your employer about.

Megs4x3 · 15/01/2018 21:25

You had a duty of care. If your son doesn't understand that right now, I hope he will before long. Some things cannot be kept secret for safety reasons. I hope the head handled it sensitively though. Often its not the knowing but the way it's dealt with thats the issue.

LokiBear · 15/01/2018 21:26

It isn't quite the same when it is your own child who has disclosed. The op did not have to tell the child who was self harming first as he/she did not disclose to her. It was a rumour she'd heard outside of school, therefore, procedure is to tell the DSP. Nor did she have to tell her son as he didnt approach her on school premises as a member of staff, he had a conversation with his mum. Perhaps warning him might have been a good idea, op. But, he might have warned his friend and his friend may then have concocted a story meaning they didn't get the help they needed. You did the right thing.

Fireandwaterfalls · 15/01/2018 21:29

I don't know how it was handled but that's usual, the information is passed to those who are trained to deal with it.

I was trying to deal with DS' concerns but should have told him. His dad and I discussed it straight away (which he was aware of).

Any tips on how to re-open the channels of communication? Not straight away, obviously.

OP posts:

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 15/01/2018 21:32

Explain to your son that you must, by law, report any safeguarding to the DSL at school. I think most kids will understand you have no choice. Ask him if he would have preferred his friend to go too far and die because you did not act like a responsible adult.

Ask him why he is angry. What did you do wrong?

steppemum · 15/01/2018 21:34

totally agree with Loki.

and as you work in the school, you actually had no choice. You have to report.
Unfortunately in a teenagers world that is not easy to understand.

My ds told me about a friend of his who was going to run away, came in to school with bag, planning to get on train to London at lunch time. They all knew about it, but no-one would 'snitch'
In the end he didn't go.
It lead to a long talk between us. At what point would he have told? At what point would any of them get an adult involved?
It was really hard for him to understand that he needs to tell to save someone from harm later. That there are times when being a good friend means getting help.

Greensleeves · 15/01/2018 21:34

You absolutely did the right thing, this is a vulnerable young person who isn't coping and you are helping him to get the support he needs. Don't doubt yourself on that. Not to pass the information on would have been terribly negligent.

In terms of your ds and trust though, I would sit him down and apologise for not explaining to him at the time that you can't keep serious safeguarding concerns to yourself, explain to him what the terms of your obligation are, and make an agreement with him that in future you will always be absolutely transparent with him about what you can and can't do. And make it clear that you would never break a confidence unless it was a safeguarding necessity.

You were put in a really tough position, and you did the right thing

mygrandchildrenrock · 15/01/2018 21:39

I had to involve social services due to a safeguarding issue with my 17 yr old DDs friend. I made the referral but didn't tell my DD.
To this day she doesn't know it was me that phoned. I didn't want to lose her trust, which I am pretty sure I would have done.
It's not a hard decision to refer a safeguarding concern but it can be a very hard decision whether to tell your child you've done so.

Lashalicious · 15/01/2018 21:42

Of course you did the right thing op. It’s not doing the right thing that further isolates these young people who are having problems.

Keep doing the right thing. I hope you ds understands the consequences of not doing the right thing as Loki and pp are reminding us.

Imalloutofoptions · 15/01/2018 21:42

Of course you've done the right thing and your son will see that in time. If the child in question were mine, I'd be so grateful that you took action.

GiraffesAreNotShort · 15/01/2018 21:51

Of course you were right.

I volunteer in a school and was told in no uncertain terms that my loyalty was to the children within the school, safeguarding was the most important thing. Therefore any playground gossip that could have consequences for a child had to be reported.

Sometimes we have to protect children from themselves.

Dancinggoat · 15/01/2018 21:51

Explain it to your son in a slightly different way to help him understand.
He told you about his friend because he was worried and it was a serious problem. He needed to tell you as it was a way of him dealing with the problem.
He then passed you the problem. You now needed to deal with the problem as you understood as your son did that it was serious.
You both have taken the responsibility of helping his friend and this is a good thing.

Fireandwaterfalls · 15/01/2018 21:51

If the child in question were mine, I'd be so grateful that you took action.

Me too. DS does not see it that way, he says it was under control. I said it was so different from telling me they had having a cigarette or a few drinks, that this was such a concern and could have ended so badly.

He wouldn't have told me at all, it was purely the other parent alerting me so he had to. They did not do it for me to report, they were simply concerned the group were trying to deal with all this themselves.

OP posts:

FireCracker2 · 15/01/2018 22:01

Nope.
My priority would have been to keep my child's trust.Keeping communications with your teenager is SO important. He will not trust you in future and that may well make him keep things from you to the detriment of his own health and well being.

Greensleeves · 15/01/2018 22:03

FireCracker, OP had no choice. She has a responsibility to report serious safeguarding concerns. This vulnerable young person is at risk.

DS is angry now, but he will come round. He must know on some level that his friend needs support.

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