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To feel upset at the thought of a wedding

(121 Posts)
sailorcherries Sat 13-Jan-18 20:57:12

So, after I posted about being upset over not being able to afford the wedding I had originally envisaged myself and OH sat down and decided on an intimate ceremony and meal at a restaurant with a party afterwards, if we could afford that.

However every idea I've had my parents have shot down in one way or another.
1. The original plan - too dear.
2. Go abroad - selfish, how could I do that to my grandparents as they probably won't live to see any other grandchild's wedding.
3. Only parents and siblings - see above.
4. Intimate ceremony and meal only - not good enough, what will people do afterwards?
5. Intimate ceremony and meal followed by a party - why not look elsewhere and see what places have good packages?

It's reached the point where no matter what is suggested I know someone will have something to say about it and now I feel close to tears at the thought of any wedding. Surely it's not supposed to be so upsetting and tiring already? Surely someone is supposed to be happy for you?
It seems like there is no point in a bloody wedding if it's going to cause so much stress and everyone else wants it there way without any regard to what we want?

I can't see any way of planning without someone going on and on.

MyBrilliantDisguise Sat 13-Jan-18 20:59:52

Are they paying for everything?

Andylion Sat 13-Jan-18 20:59:52

My sister did #4. After the meal, which was really good, we went home. It was perfect.

Andylion Sat 13-Jan-18 21:00:37

Perhaps I should point out that my sister and BiL stayed in a nice hotel after the meal.

kitkatsky Sat 13-Jan-18 21:01:03

It’s your wedding. It’s one day. The reason for the wedding is to be married for the rest of your life so a) don’t get so wound up by one day- try to consider why you’re doing it b) tell your parents they had their wedding and this is how you’re doing yours

catladyinthemaking Sat 13-Jan-18 21:01:43

Whats wrong with doing the only parents and siblings one but with your grandparents too?
What does your fiancé want?

outofmydepth45 Sat 13-Jan-18 21:02:37

You pick your day with dp then send invites you don't need any sign off

peekyboo Sat 13-Jan-18 21:02:40

Years afterwards, you'll remember what you wanted to do and regret taking notice of the guilt trips.

sailorcherries Sat 13-Jan-18 21:02:46

MyBrilliant not everything but contributing yes.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Sat 13-Jan-18 21:03:52

What's your budget?

sailorcherries Sat 13-Jan-18 21:04:21

catlady this is how number 5 is, only I have invited my only aunt and uncle and two cousins too (or will invite). We are close, they've helped me out with childcare and we meet at least once a week for coffee.
I have 9 guests.

Nomorechickens Sat 13-Jan-18 21:04:27

I think your idea sounds fine. I suggest you research and book it without mentioning it to your parents first (unless they are paying)

onlyjustaboutnearly Sat 13-Jan-18 21:05:20

Elope to Skye. Have a party when you're back. Don't let what's meant to be a wonderful thing be tainted before you've even started

Andrewofgg Sat 13-Jan-18 21:05:25

Just you and two good friends as witnesses; a nice meal out afterwards; then tell they you are married. And if they don't like it, well, what goes with Gomorrah?

1stTimeMama Sat 13-Jan-18 21:05:41

Stop discussing it with them. I know it's supposed to be part of the enjoyment, going over ideas and plans, but I'd stick to doing that with people who are going to support you, and not push you in to doing something you really don't want to do.

Make a list of what is most important to you both for your wedding, along with a budget, and then try to fit in the puzzle pieces. Go for a less usual day of the week, or time of the year. Try and get a last minute deal. These things can be done!

sailorcherries Sat 13-Jan-18 21:05:47

vivienne around £5k with no help. Hopefully.

Crumbs1 Sat 13-Jan-18 21:05:56

It’s the marriage ceremony that is important not the party.
If your parents aren’t paying then they’ll just have to go with what you can afford. You are very sensible not getting into huge debt or going over the top to please others. Smaller weddings can be delightful.

thiskittenbarks Sat 13-Jan-18 21:06:09

Unless they are willing to pay the difference for the bigger wedding then I don't think they can demand you spend money you don't have on it.
It's not like you intentionally want to exclude people- you wanted a bigger wedding but can't afford it - I'm sure you feel sad about that as it is without parents making it worse!

RandomMess Sat 13-Jan-18 21:07:20

Do something you can afford without their help don't discuss it anymore and just send an invite!!

Meal in restaurant everyone back to your for a bring and share supper & party?

BumbleNova Sat 13-Jan-18 21:07:30

It is your day. Unless your parents are paying, their opinion can be ignored.

Bumbumtaloo Sat 13-Jan-18 21:09:18

We got married on a weekday and had a bbq in our backgarden after, they were all gone by around 7/7.30. My point is we had the wedding we wanted, it was all booked and organised before we told anyone, including parents. Do what makes you both happy.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert Sat 13-Jan-18 21:10:17

Get married, book the registrar and just do it with minimal fuss, no guests, no party, job done. Better still....elope. It’s about being married, stuff your parents and grandparents, this is about you and oh having a future. If they don’t like it tough, if they want to pay for a big party they can. Please don’t put off your wedding because you’re trying to please everyone else.

PickettBowtruckles Sat 13-Jan-18 21:10:31

I actually think 5k is a pretty decent budget if you're willing to make compromises. A friend of mine is getting married on a weekday, and another on a Sunday. Thursdays seem to have lots of offers on too! Our local registry office charges less than £50 for a Wednesday morning ceremony which would leave the rest of your budget for the day.

sailorcherries Sat 13-Jan-18 21:11:13

crumbs1 and we've even decided to compromise on that. A humanist plus fees and notices is almost £500; registry office and fees is £300.

thekittens I do feel crap about it, made even worse by a girl I am friendly with getting married in my dream venue, having bought a dress in a shop I could never afford. I know her parents are scrimping and saving and they're using loans/credit cards but it still stings. As does the girl at work going on about her £15-£20k wedding fully funded by others ans how luxurious it'll be. It's become so 'Keeping up with the Jonse's' it's unreal.

SandAndSea Sat 13-Jan-18 21:11:40

This is why people elope.

Maybe have a break from it and come back to it when you're feeling better about it?

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