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AIBU for several things

(18 Posts)
MsMuffin Sat 13-Jan-18 16:53:04

I’ve gone for a name change for this post, mostly because it makes me look awful and it’s quite embarrassing!

I want to know what people think about why I’m so hung on things that have happened in the past and if I’m doing the right thing in keeping my ex in my life?

Myself and my ex have been broken up for years, and now we have a pretty good relationship now, we have 2 boys. I’m with my new OH (I say ‘new’, more like 3 years) and we have been living together for about a year now, and we are expecting our first child together and I should be SO happy, in fact I was until very recently, my OH works hard for us (i work full time too but his job is much harder), he spends his time at home trying to improve it so that myself and the kids can be happier, he really is selfless and loving and everything I’ve always wanted ... and until I became pregnant everything was lovely.
All of a sudden I’ve been having flashbacks to my ex, out of nowhere. I will be crocheting a blanket for my baby and all of a sudden be overcome with anxiety and frustration, sometimes even anger.

My ex used to physically harm me often, and he used to hurt my eldest so I would intervene and take the brunt of it... he once slammed a door into me repeatedly and pinned me against the wall with my throat when I told him I was pregnant, I ave been thinking about this time in particular because I miscarried less than a day after this and it always hurt the most . The physical abuse was way worse than this, he would never have sex unless it was pretend rape, if I ever tried to kiss or hug him he would get very angry. If I danced or sang (he sometimes heard me with my eldest) he would come in and throw things at me and later on drag me by my hair and hit my head off whatever he felt like it at the time.. although he didn’t always hit me, sometimes it would put him in a mood and the mood scared me more than him just getting it over with and hurting me, because I figured it was just over that way. It wasn’t the physical abuse that was the worst part though it was emotional and verbal, he put me down all the time and if I said anything back would leave me alone with my son and take our money so we couldn’t eat. He did this after I had my youngest son, he left us and wouldn’t let us eat so once I had gone through everything I had to ask my mum to travel here (she lives far away) and we went shopping and I lied and pretended I forgot my card just to stock up our food (I’ve paid her back since then!).

My OH mentioned Mother’s Day yesterday and I broke down, because I just remembered the first mother’s day after my youngest was born... my ex left me and I walked about 5 miles with a 4 year old and newborn, when I got there he just said (in front of our friends) ‘why are you here? I don’t want you here’. I can’t explain how lonely and deflated I felt right then, I was just mentally gone at that point.
But why am I remembering everything?! Am I just being hormonal and stupid? all this stuff I somehow buried for so long... now I’m pregnant I’m remembering everything and it makes me so angry and anxious. How do I stop? Am I just being ridiculous for being so hung over the past?
He’s never been a good father, he’s just kind of been there I suppose. He was awful with my eldest, and he’s still shitty with him even now. He’s never liked him and I don’t know why, he’s such a lovely and kind little person. He’s much nicer to the youngest, who is also lovely but I don’t know why he acts so differently to them.

We broke up when he was sleeping with my best/only friend and actively trying to get her pregnant (according to the messages I saw), it was actually a great breakup because I felt like I had an excuse... he had cheated on me a lot in the past but with my only friend he knew he went too far and it wa the first time in my life I stood up to him. I went absolutely crazy coconuts at him, he was as shocked as I was as I’d never raised my voice at him before and he accepted the breakup when I grew a pair!

Since then we’ve been good friends, hes not seen the boys much but he’s more interested in being around us in general.
Am I being unreasonable being friends with him still? He’s definitely changed but he’s still very selfish. It’s my OH that buys Christmas and birthday gifts, he spends time with them and teaches them things... whereas my ex just buys things for himself, as does his new mrs.

I don’t know why I’m posting this, I don’t know what I want other than to know if I should get the bloody hell on with it (and also, how?). I can’t stop thinking about it despite not thinking about these things since they happened, I had totally turned off to it until recently. My life is going well, I don’t know why this is happening .

Any input would be much appreciated!
Thank you if you managed to get through that, and I’m sorry for rambling

MsMuffin Sat 13-Jan-18 16:53:41

Oh wow, I’m so sorry for how long that was blush

kitkatsky Sat 13-Jan-18 17:11:31

It’s hormomes. Try not to take it seriously although I know it’s hard. When I was pregnant I had constant ex flashbacks. Not pleasant but almost your mind’s way of saying goodbye to the past as a new future Is coming that makes him irrelevant. Does that make sense

Bluffinwithmymuffin Sat 13-Jan-18 17:51:09

Past traumas have a way of repeating on us, OP, sometimes when we’re in a highly emotional state about something else, and sometimes when we’re actually very happy and not expecting the past to resurface.

What happened to you sounds horrible, but try and relegate it to the past where it belongs - which is thankfully where your abusive ex now is - and remember how much better off you and your children are now. Good luck flowers

Bluffinwithmymuffin Sat 13-Jan-18 17:53:05

Meant to say, try and keep contact with him to an absolute minimum. Apart from anything else, he sounds like a lousy role model for your sons.

outofmydepth45 Sat 13-Jan-18 17:56:33

Might be useful to speak with a professional im gobsmacked you have any interaction with him. Is it an arrangements order ?

Perfectly normal though, pregnancy is a vulnerable time flowers

jaseyraex Sat 13-Jan-18 17:57:57

Have you ever had counselling for the abuse, OP? It can be very hard to just forget things like that. It may help to talk to someone about it, like off loading all your memories on to someone else. I'd honestly keep contact with your ex very limited, he doesn't sound a great person for you or the kids to be around wether he's changed or not.

StripeyDeckchair Sat 13-Jan-18 18:00:24

Why are you friends with someone who abused you?
Be civil, ok you have children but friends!

And the way he's treating your children, one better than the other? That's not on, in fact from what you say he is abusing the older child.
You need more distance from this man and I'd suggest therapy to deal with the memories of abuse which are probably occurring because of your pregnancy and the way he treated you when you were pregnant leading to your miscarriage.

Your new DP sounds much better, maybe you should share how you're feeling with him?

MatildaTheCat Sat 13-Jan-18 18:06:25

Firstly, consider getting this moved to relationships. Secondly, you sound profoundly traumatised. Are you keeping friends with this despicable person because you’ve tried to keep on his good side for so long you cannot lose the habit?

I don’t think you can keep this up. Your new dp must, if he knows these details, find it troubling to say the least. Get counselling as fast as possible. Consider contacting Rape Crisis or Women’s Aid for help to come to terms with your past. Your vulnerable condition is bringing all these memories and experiences back to the front of your mind and they need dealing with.

He sounds a grade A bastard and not someone I would want to be near or near my children. Please get help to move forwards. Best wishes with your new life and leaving the past behind.

Notevilstepmother Sat 13-Jan-18 18:06:37

I think you are now processing what has happened to you, it seems to get delayed sometimes until you are in a safe place to deal with it.

Be kind to yourself and make sure you get plenty of rest.

I have to wonder why you would want to be friends with someone who treated you so terribly badly. Maybe it’s time to put some distance between you and your ex and make your future with your current partner without having the ex hanging around like a bad smell.

I also think it’s telling that you still think of your partner as new after 3 years.

It’s time to move on flowers.

I’d agree that you should see if you can find a therapist to talk to.

KMoKMo Sat 13-Jan-18 18:13:12

What @matildathecat said.

I’m so so sorry you have been through all that. It sounds utterly horrendous and no wonder it’s come back to you. I agree you perhaps need some counselling but ultimately that has to be your decision and you need to be ready.

I have nothing else useful to say other than you’re a very strong lady for coming through it all and doing the best for your children.
flowers

Notevilstepmother Sat 13-Jan-18 18:14:24

I also think maybe the freedom course might be helpful, but I’m not sure if it’s suitable for someone who was in an abusive relationship and now isn’t? Anyone know?

peachgreen Sat 13-Jan-18 18:20:01

OP, you have been through serious abuse. It's absolutely no wonder you're struggling to process it. I'm so sorry you've had this experience.

I think your first port of call is to talk to your GP or midwife about accessing some counselling. You deserve to have a wonderful and happy pregnancy without your awful ex's actions spoiling it for you.

Personally I would also report the abuse to the police and take steps to prevent your ex having access to the boys, particularly given his abuse of the eldest - but that decision is for you to make alone.

I wish you all the best.

LancashireTea Sat 13-Jan-18 18:27:02

Oh lovely, it is probably the hormones messing with your head but I echo another poster about maybe seeking some form of councillor to talk this through. Having been through an abusive relationship myself, I completely know where your brain is at, but it will get better. Speak to your GP if you feel comfortable and make sure you speak to your OH, as it will ease the burdens a bit.

Bluffinwithmymuffin Sat 13-Jan-18 18:41:35

Today 18:06 Notevilstepmother

I think you are now processing what has happened to you, it you, it seems to get delayed sometimes until you are in a safe place to deal with it.

^^ This too. Someone I know says harrowing events from her childhood come back to haunt her at regular 10 year intervals for no apparent reason. She’s happy now, but some traumas leave an indelible mark. Definitely don’t allow him to be around your children, however much (you hope) he’s changed.

Maelstrop Sat 13-Jan-18 19:05:58

Why are you ‘friends’ with someone who beat you up and treated you like shit?! And treats your child badly too? You’re allowing him to think it’s all fine to do that and he can stay friends. I think it’s vu of you, especially given how he treats your eldest.

Inertia Sat 13-Jan-18 19:18:37

It could be that buried fears have resurfaced now you're pregnant again, because so much of the abuse you suffered was directed at both you and your children, even when they were babies.

Given the trauma you suffered, and how apparent his dislike of your else's is, it's surprising to read that you consider your Ex a friend and that he has contact with the children. Is it genuinely a beneficial relationship, or have you been intimidated into maintaining contact? Personally I would have done everything in my power to prevent unsupervised contact with a man who starved and abused my children.

Inertia Sat 13-Jan-18 19:19:25

Sorry, I missed the autocorrect Ex to else's.

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