I’ve gone for a name change for this post, mostly because it makes me look awful and it’s quite embarrassing!
I want to know what people think about why I’m so hung on things that have happened in the past and if I’m doing the right thing in keeping my ex in my life?
Myself and my ex have been broken up for years, and now we have a pretty good relationship now, we have 2 boys. I’m with my new OH (I say ‘new’, more like 3 years) and we have been living together for about a year now, and we are expecting our first child together and I should be SO happy, in fact I was until very recently, my OH works hard for us (i work full time too but his job is much harder), he spends his time at home trying to improve it so that myself and the kids can be happier, he really is selfless and loving and everything I’ve always wanted ... and until I became pregnant everything was lovely.
All of a sudden I’ve been having flashbacks to my ex, out of nowhere. I will be crocheting a blanket for my baby and all of a sudden be overcome with anxiety and frustration, sometimes even anger.
My ex used to physically harm me often, and he used to hurt my eldest so I would intervene and take the brunt of it... he once slammed a door into me repeatedly and pinned me against the wall with my throat when I told him I was pregnant, I ave been thinking about this time in particular because I miscarried less than a day after this and it always hurt the most . The physical abuse was way worse than this, he would never have sex unless it was pretend rape, if I ever tried to kiss or hug him he would get very angry. If I danced or sang (he sometimes heard me with my eldest) he would come in and throw things at me and later on drag me by my hair and hit my head off whatever he felt like it at the time.. although he didn’t always hit me, sometimes it would put him in a mood and the mood scared me more than him just getting it over with and hurting me, because I figured it was just over that way. It wasn’t the physical abuse that was the worst part though it was emotional and verbal, he put me down all the time and if I said anything back would leave me alone with my son and take our money so we couldn’t eat. He did this after I had my youngest son, he left us and wouldn’t let us eat so once I had gone through everything I had to ask my mum to travel here (she lives far away) and we went shopping and I lied and pretended I forgot my card just to stock up our food (I’ve paid her back since then!).
My OH mentioned Mother’s Day yesterday and I broke down, because I just remembered the first mother’s day after my youngest was born... my ex left me and I walked about 5 miles with a 4 year old and newborn, when I got there he just said (in front of our friends) ‘why are you here? I don’t want you here’. I can’t explain how lonely and deflated I felt right then, I was just mentally gone at that point.
But why am I remembering everything?! Am I just being hormonal and stupid? all this stuff I somehow buried for so long... now I’m pregnant I’m remembering everything and it makes me so angry and anxious. How do I stop? Am I just being ridiculous for being so hung over the past?
He’s never been a good father, he’s just kind of been there I suppose. He was awful with my eldest, and he’s still shitty with him even now. He’s never liked him and I don’t know why, he’s such a lovely and kind little person. He’s much nicer to the youngest, who is also lovely but I don’t know why he acts so differently to them.
We broke up when he was sleeping with my best/only friend and actively trying to get her pregnant (according to the messages I saw), it was actually a great breakup because I felt like I had an excuse... he had cheated on me a lot in the past but with my only friend he knew he went too far and it wa the first time in my life I stood up to him. I went absolutely crazy coconuts at him, he was as shocked as I was as I’d never raised my voice at him before and he accepted the breakup when I grew a pair!
Since then we’ve been good friends, hes not seen the boys much but he’s more interested in being around us in general.
Am I being unreasonable being friends with him still? He’s definitely changed but he’s still very selfish. It’s my OH that buys Christmas and birthday gifts, he spends time with them and teaches them things... whereas my ex just buys things for himself, as does his new mrs.
I don’t know why I’m posting this, I don’t know what I want other than to know if I should get the bloody hell on with it (and also, how?). I can’t stop thinking about it despite not thinking about these things since they happened, I had totally turned off to it until recently. My life is going well, I don’t know why this is happening .
Any input would be much appreciated!
Thank you if you managed to get through that, and I’m sorry for rambling
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17 replies
MsMuffin · 13/01/2018 16:53
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