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To sometimes consider looking for a FWB?

(13 Posts)
PaperShavings Sat 13-Jan-18 15:46:52

Been with DH 6 years. He's not interested in sex and I have to instigate 99.9% of the time. Then I'm rejected around 80% of the time. When we do have sex is shit, he won't do oral (either way) and the actual sex is robotic and non romantic, same position each time, over in minutes.

I'm only 36, I don't want to be celibate. I do love him though and wouldn't want to divorce. I've tried talking to him, he says there isn't an issue and won't engage. He has no problems getting an erection. He just can't be arsed to use it.

In the past I've had fleeting moments of thinking about hook up scenarios but have quickly rubbished them as wrong. Which of course, they are, as I'm married.

Lately though, the thoughts are lasting longer and I'm starting to actually really think about it. I've never cheated on anyone in my life but I simply cannot remain in this sexless situation, not at my age.

Has anyone done it?

Battleax Sat 13-Jan-18 15:47:42

Wouldn't divorce be more honest?

Faking Sat 13-Jan-18 16:05:49

Then in this case, if he won't listen to you, you need to decide; him or not him. Having a bit on the side is not part of the deal. That's cheating.

WellAlwaysHaveParis Sat 13-Jan-18 16:23:30

Sorry OP sad that sounds difficult. Is there a reason why he isn't interested in sex? Would you consider going to see a marriage counsellor or sex therapist and asking him to come along?

Nikephorus Sat 13-Jan-18 16:29:09

I'm with others; accept it or divorce. Unless he'd agree to you having sex elsewhere. But if he won't....

Chrys2017 Sat 13-Jan-18 16:35:26

That sounds awful. You should discuss having an open marriage. If agreed, you and DH set boundaries, limitations and decide what is/isn't acceptable. If he won't agree then you have to decide what you can/can't live without.

derangedmermaid Sat 13-Jan-18 16:40:18

No oral?

What? Ever?

Grounds for divorce on that alone.

ziggy715 Sat 13-Jan-18 16:47:37

OP I could've written your post - a few years ago. After several years of a virtually sexless marriage, where if we ever did have sex I had to instigate, we did end up going to relationship counselling. Still nothing changed and it was so frustrating. I had promised fidelity in my marriage vows, not chastity. I began thinking whether I could meet my needs outside of the relationship. - The idea of cheating is the last thing I expected going into marriage. But to expect a partner to be faithful even when you have no intention of meeting any of their needs sexually felt wrong to me, like saying 'your body belongs to me whether I want it or not.' It made me resentful.

Over time it just got harder. We would argue about sex (the lack of). Eventually, I did end up seeing someone outside of my marriage. Yes I felt guilty for cheating. But oh my god, it felt so life affirming to be desired and have a physical relationship after spending years feeling unwanted by the person I love.

It actually improved my marriage for some time. It took all the pressure off and my resentment vanished, as I was finally getting my needs met. My relationship with my DH was happier and more affectionate. We even began having sex slightly more often (so still rarely but it happened).

Ultimately, it did get messy as my other man fell in love and did want me to leave my DH, which I was never going to do. So that had to come to an end.

I haven't done anything else outside my marriage since, and I'm not sure I could necessarily recommend it as I hated the lying and of course I felt guilty. But honestly, if I hadn't have done that at that time, I think I would have left my DH. And it would've felt like such a pity to throw away all our love and shared history. Our relationship has a lot of positive things about it, sex unfortunately just isn't one of them.

If I were to do it again, I would definitely ensure to keep things very casual with the other person.

NoFucksImAQueen Sat 13-Jan-18 17:13:36

That sounds miserable for you op. Iv had stints where Iv been unbothered by sex due to weight gain, medication, pnd etc. But Iv never been like how your dh is. Has it always been like this?

MepsiPax Sat 13-Jan-18 17:33:33

I think a FWB only really works if you're not in a relationship with someone else,even a 'bad' relationship. I have a FWB which was great while I was unattached,but when I got involved in a serious relationship,it got a bit awkward at times. But then again,he was there for me when it all went tits up. smile

AuntieStella Sat 13-Jan-18 17:52:05

You would have FWB if you were single.

As you are married, the question you are actually asking is 'AIBU to sometimes consider having an affair?'

To which my answer is yes, definitely, YABU. Indeed I would go so far as to say it's the worst possible course of action.

It won't mend your marriage, and might prop up something that is better ended (so you may as well get on with it)

If discovered you will be the person firmly in the wrong, and the fallout can be truly awful.

The strength of your feelings is a reflection of how unsatisfied you are in your marriage. You need to choose now where you want to take the initiative in steps to save it, or if you want to plan to end it. If the latter, do so before selecting the next man you want to have sex with, not after your affair has begun. This is indeed a catalyst to action. But that action should not be betrayal.

whoareyoukidding Sat 13-Jan-18 18:02:01

My friend has had a FWB for years because of similar issues with her DH, OP.

The only thing that would bother me is, what if one or both of you started having strong feelings? What if he turns all funny and starts stalking you or tells your DH? What if he has a STD? What if he turns out to be an axe murderer?

you have to be very non-neurotic to have a FWB, imo.

Iwanttobe8stoneagain Sat 13-Jan-18 20:28:54

If everything else in your marriage is good except sex then why would you leave. Sometimes I think there’s so much pressure on partners to provide everything. You can’t speak to someone of the opposite sex these days without someone shouting emotional affair. I think if your DH is not providing you with a reasonable amount of sex (something you could divorce him for) yes you should look elsewhere. Do you have someone in mind? I would be wary of picking a single person cos they have nothing to lose so might not be as careful as should be. Tbh if there’s no sex I’d guess your DH probably thinks your playing away and turns a blind eye

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