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who is being unreasonable

(28 Posts)
thelonelyones Sat 13-Jan-18 14:00:46

Have name changed and changed a few minor details so as not to be identifying.

DSis lives abroad. I use the 'D' loosely. We don't really get on. History of her bullying me and being jealous of the attention I get for reasons I cannot explain without being majorly identifying but nothing I could ever do anything about.

She's lived abroad for 10 years, has a foreign husband, 2 kids. I could probably count on one hand the amount of phone calls/texts/emails I have had from her in this time. She communicates with our parents, not with me or DH (who also does not like her). Her complete lack of acknowledgement of me and my family has not gone un noticed by family and friends. She is on my facebook and I comment on her posts with no acknowledgement. She never comments on mine but she does like and comment pictures of my DD that my mother posts.

She did block me from FB for a whole year because I challenged her racist views. It caused my parents a lot of grief. They feel they need to watch what they say or do around her so they can still see her and her kids. She has a lot to say about what I do wrong in her eyes too.

Last time she visited, she did not see any family members besides me, DH, DD and parents. Upset a lot of people, and was not very nice to DD.

There's more but I don't want to make this too long.

DMum has told DD that she can go with them on their next visit to see DSis. DD all excited. DMum says she discussed it with DH and he agreed. He denies this. DH says he said 'we'd think about it' but DMum has been happily chatting about it with DD.

I told DMum no way was DD going, she's too young and it's a 10 hour flight, 3 planes, stuck in a house with DSis who is a self centred nasty b*tch, no chance of escape and no parents to help her if DSis is mean.

DMum says she will keep an eye on DD, and if she can be trusted to do childcare around school hours why can't she be trusted to take DD abroad for 2-3 weeks?

DD is now v upset, DMum is very upset because her DDs don't get along.

DD is at school and has been taken out of school a few times for holidays. I don't want her missing any more school now. She also has two holidays already booked with us.

AIBU? or is DMum?

xyzandabc Sat 13-Jan-18 14:04:36

Key info missing. How old is DD? Old enough to be able to form her own view on whether she wants to go or not?

I wouldn't be keen on the missing school aspect. I don't take my kids out of school for holidays though I know many do.

Merryoldgoat Sat 13-Jan-18 14:05:49

Your mum. Essentially, I would never allow my child to spend time in the home of someone who wasn't kind to them.

I think you're right to refuse to allow your DD to go.

thelonelyones Sat 13-Jan-18 14:06:26

DD will be 9 years old

MavisPike Sat 13-Jan-18 14:10:29

I wouldn't let her go
Your mother had no right to tell her without consulting you both , especially as you don't get on

NewYearNewMe18 Sat 13-Jan-18 14:11:20

On school grounds alone, I wouldn't allow it.

Bluntness100 Sat 13-Jan-18 14:11:37

Would I hell let her go. Why would you send a nine year old that far away to see someone so toxic. Your mum has done a bad thing here.

CherryGlaze Sat 13-Jan-18 14:13:00

Agree with Merryoldgoat. Too many possible pitfalls. My DS is almost 9 and I wouldn't let him on an overnight here with someone I didn't trust 1000% to be unfailingly kind to him, let alone a 10 hour journey away.

I accept Dsis seems to be fonder of your DD than of you but still...yanbu to say no and I'm sure your DH wouldn't have committed you to it so your Mum will just have to accept it and wait a few years.

Snowysky20009 Sat 13-Jan-18 14:14:29

How often do you take dd out of school for holidays? <misses point of thread>

Figrollsnotfatrolls Sat 13-Jan-18 14:15:51

Bloody hell just no!!
Your dm knew you would say no that's why she told dd yes so you now look the baddie!!
Sway dd with going somewhere else and tell her you are cross with dgm for telling fibs!!

Lizzie48 Sat 13-Jan-18 14:25:26

That was very wrong of your DM and I would be very angry in your shoes. Don't let her emotionally blackmail you into letting your DD go feel you don't feel comfortable about it. 9 is too young to be thrust into a toxic environment where she won't have her parents to look out for her.

She sounds like my DM in a way, saying that we've agreed to things we haven't, when we've only said we'd think about it.

If it makes it easier, just say to your DD that you don't want her missing school. She knows that you don't take her out of school for holidays.

thelonelyones Sat 13-Jan-18 15:09:53

DD has been out of school twice before, once for a wedding (one day) and the other time for 2 weeks to visit DSis (with us there with her).

We were in a hotel and largely did our own thing but it was still a f*cking nightmare. eg DD was not allowed to play/shout/cry despite being a toddler one day because DD had a headache.

This time DD would be in DSis own home for 2-3 weeks. She has a pool, lots of bedrooms and a big garden though, so that makes it okay....

thelonelyones Sat 13-Jan-18 15:10:29

*DSIS had a headache not DD

Figrollsnotfatrolls Sat 13-Jan-18 15:10:55

Wouldn't trust my dc with anyone around a pool anyway.

FrancisUnderwood Sat 13-Jan-18 15:12:56

Absolutely no. Do not them emotionally blackmail you into this.

NancyDonahue Sat 13-Jan-18 15:14:11

Yanbu. I wouldn't let my dd go in this situation. Even if you were very close to your dsis, 10 hour flight away for 2-3 weeks at 9 years old is too much.

DriggleDraggle Sat 13-Jan-18 15:16:11

god no.
this isnt about your mother. it is about sending a xhild for 2 weeks to someone who treats them like shit.

and do you think your mum will stop your sister?

no.

you already know she wont pull your sister up on her behaviour so you already know she will say nothing if (when) your sister starts on your child

Hygge Sat 13-Jan-18 15:16:21

There's a big difference between looking after your DD after school and taking her for three weeks abroad to the home of a person who isn't always kind to her.

But the issue is more that you don't want your DD staying with your sister when you are not there, not that you don't trust your mother. Don't let her cloud the issue with that.

YANBU to say no, and your mother should have spoken to both of you, not just your DH, and been very clear with you first that you were in agreement about her plans.

Whocansay Sat 13-Jan-18 15:23:09

Personally, I actually wouldn't want to be away from my 9 year old for that amount of time anyway. Selfish, perhaps, but I wouldn't do it on those grounds alone.

I wouldn't want them out of school for that time either. Who will pay the fine? And this is before you even get to the issues with your sister.

Just say no. Your mum will have to suck it up.

thelonelyones Sat 13-Jan-18 15:25:19

DH and I are going on a european city break for 3 days, about 1.5 hours away. DMum is going to look after DD. This is a birthday treat to me.

DMum is saying why is that okay and this isn't? sad

Does she have a point?

Lizzie48 Sat 13-Jan-18 15:45:20

No, it's not the same at all! Your DD will be at home and not a 9 hour flight away at the home of your difficult sister. And 2-3 weeks is a totally different ball game. You can come back home if things go wrong when you're away for the weekend. You can't do that when your DD is in a different country.

Anyway, she's your DD, your decision.

Lizzie48 Sat 13-Jan-18 15:46:55

Europe isn't so far away, that's what I meant. Most places are a 2 hour flight away maximum.

3 days isn't a long time anyway.

Idontdowindows Sat 13-Jan-18 16:11:28

Good grief, you are definitely not being unreasonable! You have no expectation of your daughter being treated nicely there, it's 3 whole weeks with no recourse, you can't just jump in the car and pick her up if things go tits up and she's going to stay with someone that you don't even get along with!

thelonelyones Sat 13-Jan-18 16:19:45

My mum is viewing this (or pretending to view this) as a lack of trust in her and is starting to do her usual when I disagree with her - "well I just won't babysit/pick up DD anymore then"

angry sad

LaurieFairyCake Sat 13-Jan-18 16:28:00

I would take the heat out the situation and leave it a couple of weeks and then say you've spoken to her teacher and actually it's not the best time/it's too long out/you might get fined.

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