To think he will never be happy

[peppermintcandy88]

My husband took a job a few years ago which doubled his wages and gave him more of a managerial role. This was discussed with me and I agreed once I could go part time in my job which he agreed to as long as I do majority around the house.
He leaves the house at 7 and comes home at 7 then has to do work usually from home. I'm on maternity leave now but I'm due to go back to work part time in a few weeks. Apparently he thinks he shouldn't have to do anything when he gets home as he works. I do the majority I cook dinner and make his packed lunch for him, I never ask him to do anything in the evening he chooses to throw a wash on in the machine or vacuum/mop as crumbs drive him nuts whereas I've learnt to live with crumbs to an extent due to having ds and his friends over and even then the Dyson is handy to run around with. The only thing I ask him to do is iron his 5 work shirts which he will do over the weekend. Il do all the cooking and deep cleaning as well as the shopping and organizing. Last week he announced he was getting a pay rise and a share in the company's profits which was great so we went a booked a big holiday for this summer something he agreed to and didn't object to but now it's my fault for booking this holiday based on what I thought we could afford and I should have booked somewhere cheaper. He's just after having a major go at me saying how he's going to be dead in a few years if he keeps going the way he is and he wants to leave his job and get something lower paid less stress or be a stay at home dad whilst I go back full time. He has never said anything like this to me before and he knew I was doing our yearly budget for the year based on his salary and he never once said I'm thinking of leaving the company so maybe lower our outgoings or start thinking our tightening the belt a little. I don't have any major qualifications but I've been in my job 11 years and earn ok money but again no where near what he earns now. If he didn't have us (his family) he'd have to still come home and cook and clean and wash clothes. He thinks I'm being unreasonable for not letting him jump jobs overnight whereas Im worried about the shortfall of income and how we will manage.

[Anythingforacatslife]

He sounds very stressed and whilst he IBU to think he can just jump ship without discussing the implications with you, I think you do need to have a look together, at how you can work things out so that he can have a job he can manage.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Talk to him.

You've obviously come to a point where you aren't 'singing from the same hymn sheet'. If you don't address it now it will drag out, grow and fester.

Neither of you seem to be being unreasonable, based on previous discussions you have had. But something has changed... discuss it!

[GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz]

If he was doing 7 to 7 plus work at home and he has a higher position now he must feel absolutely wrecked.

How do you feel about the idea of working FT?

[Megs4x3]

He's out 12 hours a day at a stressful job and working more ours in the evening and you don't think he's doing enough in the house? It sounds as though he's had a go at you because the stress is getting to him and he's said things he doesn't necessarily mean. Give the man a break and have a proper talk when you're both more calm.

[loveka]

It sounds like he is incredibly stressed in his job, and feeling a massive amount of pressure. It doesn't sound like it has anything to do with housework.

I can relate to how he feels. I was the main breadwinner for 4 years and ended up nearly having a breakdown. I just felt that everything was on my shoulders. I had to perform at work because of course everyone has to. But added to that, I knew we would be homeless if I lost my job.

I feel so much better now my partner has a job. I still work the same hours, but the pressure is off.

I have to do a lot more housework now though!

[peppermintcandy88]

If I go back full time i will have to travel which will mean il be away 2/3 nights every fortnight. I don't have the same amount of travel part time maybe 1/2 nights a month.

[BishBoshBashBop]

He's out 12 hours a day at a stressful job and working more ours in the evening and you don't think he's doing enough in the house? It sounds as though he's had a go at you because the stress is getting to him and he's said things he doesn't necessarily mean. Give the man a break and have a proper talk when you're both more calm.

I agree.

[peppermintcandy88]

Mags I never said I don't think he doesn't do enough in the house. I understand my role is to do the majority of stuff in the house and the only thing I ask him to do is iron his 5 work shirts. My issue is he wants to leave his job and either take a less paid job or be a stay at home dad and let me work full time even though he earns considerably more.

[Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar]

Jesus, working 7 to 7 while you're on leave and he has to iron his own shirts and run around with the hoover when he gets in?
His stress levels are obviously going through the roof.
What is a yearly budget, btw? Budgeting for holidays?

[MatildaTheCat]

He’s blowing off steam. I think being the major breadwinner is a mixed bag. He’d probably hate to be a SAHP or to take a lower status job but still feels a huge amount of responsibility.

In future maybe save for big ticket items like holidays so it’s paid for rather than yet another thing that is going to be need to be covered?

And get a cleaner or someone to iron his shirts. With those hours he really doesn’t have much downtime and weekends should be about having some good times.

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

My issue is he wants to leave his job and either take a less paid job or be a stay at home dad and let me work full time even though he earns considerably more. That should tell you how stressed he is! You need to acknowledge that, though I suspect he has scared you a bit, so that might be a bit difficult for you.

Unless you have already decided you can't/won't put up with him changing jobs you really need to talk to him, calmly, with pen and paper, calculator and budget to hand. See what you can work out between you!

[peppermintcandy88]

Again I never say run around with the Hoover and he irons his own shirts because if I do them I don't do them right and when I offered to get them sent out he thinks it a waste of money. We write down all our expenses for the year insurances/tax and school expenses,Christmas birthdays, holidays or weekends away and any emergencies that may crop up such as car breaking down ect and divide it by 12 and that's how much we put away each month. This has worked for us.

[Snowysky20009]

Sounds like he's having a 'career wobble'. He's in the position, has the salary, and after throwing himself into it for a few years, has realised it doesn't get easier, he has to keep it up.

I can see both sides, I was the main breadwinner, managerial position, good salary and it took its toll. He is working long hours and doing work at home. So you could probably stretch his day out to, 16/17 hours. That's a lot.

I think the problem was seeing 'salary increase' and booking a holiday straight away. He thinks you just like spending the money that he's working so hard for. However, he agreed to it, you didn't do it off your own back (I don't think?).

Could you just sit down together and talk about what you both want and come to a compromise? Does he realise if you go full time, he will be with the child/children himself? Or is he thinking about getting in help duh as a nanny? Do you want to go back full time? Sounds like he wants to step down and wants you to step up. Would that give you more time together as a family?

[GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz]

Tbh if I was working 12 hour days and my partner was putting me under pressureto stay in the job so as not to have to downgrade our lifestyle whilst they were at home or only working PT, i would expect the hoovering and laundry to be done. I wouldnt expect my shirts to be ironed but would be touched if they were

[Thistlebelle]

The holiday sounds like the straw that broke the camel’s back. Was it extremely expensive?

[LouHotel]

If he was to go part time and you full time would he realistically take on all the household chores or would you still be doing a considerable amount of them?

[VelvetSpoon]

I've done jobs which involved me being out of the house 12 hours a day. It's horrendous. Really, really tiring. I frequently at that time entertained thoughts of throwing myself down the stairs so I could break my leg and have a rest from work. That's how desperate I'd become.

I'll guarantee he doesn't actually want to give up work. What he wants, like anyone who's been in that position is a break from the relentless pressure. Going off and spending on a big holiday probably isn't helping especially if you're also looking at other big expenses. He may feel he is working his bollocks off for the benefit of everyone else but him. I can see his pov.

[NeverShine4me]

I work full time and DH part time. I think if you are not at work at all then you should do everything.

[HamishBamish]

This is why both DH work part time although I do earn considerable more. I think it’s unfair for one person to shoulder the burden of being the main breadwinner. It’s extremely stressful.

Talk to yOur DH OP. His hours sound punishing, especially of he’s working in the evenings as well. He sounds extremely stressed.

[peppermintcandy88]

But I do Hoover glitter but after dinner with kids there does be crumbs which I'd wait till after breakfast next morning and Hoover it all up then he has to get it done straight away. I feel hoovering once a day is adequate enough so I don't see why he feels he needs to Hoover again when he gets home from work which is his choice

[IJoinedJustToPostThis]

He sounds like he's really unhappy/on the verge of becoming ill. I think you should take what he's saying seriously. There is probably a compromise somewhere to be found.

Is it possible to downsize your lifestyle at all, so that neither of you work yourselves into the ground? It sounds like he barely sees you or DC. Some things are more important than money (obvious disclaimer re: roof over head, food, school uniforms etc)

[LouHotel]

Also to go against the grain a bit. Yes he might be stressed but its incrediably unfair to load this on OP just before she's about to go back to work from maternity. For one im assuming conversations have already taken place with her employer.

[peppermintcandy88]

The holiday was 4,500 all inclusive for two weeks for a family of four in summer. This also includes spending money.

[WitchesHatRim]

Talk to yOur DH OP. His hours sound punishing, especially of he’s working in the evenings as well. He sounds extremely stressed.

Yep I agree.

[Brokenbiscuit]

I don't really see any sign of you acknowledging the stress that your DH is clearly experiencing, tbh.

He cannot just unilaterally decide to become a SAHP, but it isn't unreasonable for him to say that he wants to take a lower level, less stressful job for the sake of his mental and physical health.

He is trying to tell you that the status quo is not sustainable. You need to listen, and to work with him to reach a solution that is acceptable to both of you. That might include you increasing your hours at work, or it might mean that you both have to adapt to a simpler way of life.

But you do need to listen. He sounds like he is at breaking point.