WIBU to break it off?(23 Posts)
Started seeing someone a few weeks ago, strong attraction and connection from day one and things were going brilliantly. He was very open from the start about his feelings for me and very communicative, lots of lovely messages every day and wanted to talk on the phone most days we were apart. Started feeling like this could really be a great relationship. Then a week or so ago communication reduced a fair bit. He said he was dealing with several stressful issues (that I knew about) and apologised for being quiet. I said I understood, no problem. Then from 3-4 days ago communication dropped to absolute zero. Spent a day or so feeling upset then decided to message him along the lines of ‘noticed lack of communication, understand you’re dealing with stressful stuff but I can’t be supportive if you don’t stay in touch. Maybe you don’t have the time or energy for a relationship at the moment, let’s leave it for now maybe talk about it in a few days’ (I’m paraphrasing but that was the gist) so now I’m wondering, was this reasonable on my part, given that I really don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who shuts me out when life gets stressful, or am I being too harsh/demanding? I haven’t asked him to explain or change what he’s doing, just told him how I feel and what I want from a relationship, but is he perhaps thinking I’m being selfish and not understanding his position? I just feel personally that if it was me, I’d want to keep communication with my boyfriend particularly when life is stressful! But I’m second-guessing myself now, and I really do like him. Argh!
You've only known each other a few weeks; he doesn't necessarily have to turn to you about everything
You’ve explained clearly what you expect from a relationship. It’s up to him now.
I think you did the right thing. We teach people how to treat us. Either he learns from this, or he wasn’t that keen to begin with.
No, I appreciate that, but he had already told me about all the things he’s dealing with in detail. It’s the sudden drop in communication that bothered me - going from messaging all day long to nothing is a very noticeable change
Right so it's been 3-4 days. That isn't long.
Detach from it, the ball's in his court.
That’s true, nothing I can do now really! I’ve said what I felt and if he doesn’t like it then I guess it’s not meant to be
He could just be the type of person that when the going gets tough he retreats. Doesn't mean he thinks any less of you.
You sound like a person who when faced with difficulties like to share with those around you and get support.
I'm a sharer too, but dh bottles and retreats. Doesn't mean we don't work as a couple.
I take it he has not responded to your message?
I understand where you are coming from and the need to be treated with respect,you are entitled to that.
My own personal thought was your message was a bit too demanding.that's just my opinion for what it's worth,to me it came across as a veiled threat that you're dropping him if he doesn't involve you and update you constantly.
But other people will have a different view,it's your decision how you want this to continue,you know what his issues are,we don't so it's difficult to advise.
But at the end of the day if you are truly unhappy you are free to walk away.
Snowysky it’s true, and I didn’t want to come across as though I think he’s wrong to deal with things that way, just that it’s not my way and I don’t really want to be in a relationship with someone that disappears when things get stressful. I could have pretended to be cool with it and not bothered. But I am.
Karma he did respond, saying sorry but he was dealing with all the stressful stuff, which didn’t teally add to anything. He said he was willing to talk so I said ok, in a few days (as much to let him think about things as for me to) yes I take what you’re saying about it being a bit of a threat, I tried really hard for it not to sound that way, but essentially I guess if it the case that this is how it’s going to be, then I don’t want to be with him. I’ve accepted less than I really want in relationships before and it’s just led to resentment and unhappiness so I’m trying to avoid that early on by being clear about what I fundamentally want. But yes as you said, it could be perceived as demanding, in a bad way
Some people are 'sharers' others aren't. I guess if you are the type of person who likes to share everything that's going on in your life, then you perhaps expect the same from those you are involved with. Me...I'm more of a 'deal with it in my woman cave' type, and find over-sharing exhausting (in NO WAY saying this is wrong by the way, just for me, it would be draining). Maybe your new partner has retreated to his cave OP? Or maybe he's just not into the relationship anymore? Hopefully it's the former, and he will come out when he's ready...but you'll need to give him that space if he's a cave dweller I'm afraid! If it's the second option, then sadly nothing you will do is going to change it. I hope it all works out well for you in the end 💐
I am a cave dweller too and would in no way be sharing too much info with someone I had only dated a few weeks. Give the guy some space and respect and meet up next week for that chat. Your need for constant daily communication feels abit suffocating to me.
No point going on about OP's need for constant communication. This is what they were BOTH doing, until the other party stopped quite suddenly. I would step back and wait and see.
Hi, thank you, yes I don’t think it’s really fair to paint me as someone that’s hounding him - the frequent communication was definitely more coming from him, and he seemed more into it overall (I was into it too but he was more open about it)
It's only been a few weeks.
Most people have established friends, family etc that they will talk to about stressful things if they need support. Not a person they have a few weeks old relationships with. You don't know each other. He's told you what the stressful things are and explained that those are the reasons he's being quieter than usual.
If you had been with him for a few years you'd be reasonable to expect him to confide in you, but a few weeks isn't enough for most people to want to confide in a new partner or friend and it's not an indication that he's going to be the kind of person who won't confide in a long-term partner. He is just not ready for that with you and that is fine.
I think you want too much too soon, you're judging him too early, and sending that message was really unfair on him. He's already stressed and you've jumped to the 'we need to talk' because he isn't handling his stress the way you want him to.
If I were him I'd probably end this relationship.
Or he's just found someone else to pester, which is probably more likely.
I don’t think it’s that he’s not handling his stress the way I want him to, and actually I’m not bothered about him confiding in me about it, although he already has, at length, without any prompting from me at all. He’s always been more openly into the relationship, and into me, and while I really like him I’ve been holding back a lot more and am being more cautious, somactually this isn’t an issue of me wanting him to be more open with me, it’s just that he has completely stopped contacting me whenbefore he was in almost constant contact, and that’s the issue. I mean even saying hello and asking how I am etc. - that’s not something that I would do even if I was stressed out, (and I’ve been through some pretty stressful stuff myself) and I don’t want to cease to exist to him every time life gets stressful. So I hope I’m explaining this clearly - the issue isn’t that I want him to confide in me more deeply, just that I don’t think I’d be happy in a relationship where contact stops at the drop of a hat every time some stressful thing happens. I don’t think he’s in the wrong, just that maybe we aren’t compatible and that’s fine. I’ve also asked a few people I know and all of them have said that they’d feel the same about contact stopping so suddenly when it had previously been so frequent (again, mostly instigated by him!)
OP...sounds to me like he's gone off the idea of a relationship with you, for whatever reason. Things often (usually) start out 'all guns blazing' then either settle down into something more realistic or tail off. Things, for him at least, may have tailed off and he might be using his stress as an excuse to end things. Three weeks can hardly be classed as a relationship anyway can it? Really? I wouldn't be sweating it!
Sometimes people only like to do that full-on business if they think it's having the desired effect. Or they get bored if it's had the desired effect. You sound very balanced @Serafina111
norfolk I suspect maybe you’re right. It’s been about 6 weeks btw, not 3, not that that makes a huge difference.
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