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AIBU?

Giving my DH an altimatum.

59 replies

uptotheneckinit · 13/01/2018 11:47

Apologies for the long message, but here goes, I have been married to my DH for 7y, we live together with my DD and DS and had fortnightly visits from my step daughters whom I think the world of. The eldest SD told me she was having problems at home, and I told her there would always be a place here for her. So last Oct, my DH received a text from her saying that she and her partner were homeless, and asked if she and him could stay with us for a while. My DH and I, talked about it and knowing how much it would mean to him I accepted, as long as rules were set down. They have to pay board and get jobs, she always has a home here, for him it would be temporary until he gets sorted. So three months in, he got a job! 5hrs a week. just earns enough to pay his board. He spends all day in bed, leaving my step daughter alone downstairs, he makes every excuse not to apply for jobs, saying that he wants a certain job that isn't available. When he does come downstairs he sits looking at his phone, he doesn't communicate. I have previously told him to leave, after many disagreements with my DH. But my DH fell out with me when his daughter decided to go with him, and said its my fault his daughter has moved out and he couldn't forgive me. So they came back. 1 month on, no change so asked my DH to give him 1 month to either find a job or find somewhere else to live. But my DH wont tell him because he doesn't want to upset his daughter. I have pointed out that its unfair on him because he's oblivious to the deadline. I cannot speak to him, I cant even look at him, he makes me so angry. I have spent most of my time in my room, and have stayed behind late at work because i don't want to see him. My DS works and pays his way, my DD is in full time education and my SD did get a job. This lazy boyfriend of hers has drove a big wedge in our family and made me and my DH have multiple arguments, I have told my DM , its him or me.

OP posts:

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Calvinlookingforhobbs · 13/01/2018 11:54

Poor you OP! This sounds like an awful situation but you are not in the wrong. This manchild has no business in your house and needs to get gone!

uptotheneckinit · 13/01/2018 12:09

Thank you for that!I feel so torn. The best scenario, is that my SD comes to her senses and realises what a total looser he is, and gets rid herself..
I don't want to flip out one day and throw him out, leaving him on the streets.
I love my family and hate feeling like this, and no matter what happens I will be the bad person in my SD and DH eyes.
I think It might just be easier to separate and my DH can deal with it his way.

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BoneyBackJefferson · 13/01/2018 12:13

You need to accept that getting the bf to leave is very likely to break your family unit up.

I also think that by giving this ultimatum you think that you will be be reducing your part in that and you will be able to blame your DH for it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 13/01/2018 12:17

slight x post

KungFuEric · 13/01/2018 12:18

How long did they leave for when you asked him to leave? Where did your step daughter go with him? I'm wondering if it's a viable alternative option for your step daughter or if it's sofa hopping with a cocklodger idiot boyfriend who dosses around scrounging off people? Sometimes people need the tough love of realising he's an incapable idiot and she would be better off without him, in a family home that's comfortable etc.

uptotheneckinit · 13/01/2018 12:27

The only thing I would blame my DH for is the fact that he is happy to let this happen, I had asked my DH to speak to the bf and his DD, but he refuses to. I think if they understood the situation a bit better then he would try harder. I have felt like he is taking advantage of us, and we are enabling him, but my DH thinks he will get "sorted out in the end".
I feel that the person to blame is the bf, and not me or my DH. Since he has been here we have fell apart as a family, and he acts like he is oblivious, and he really doesn't care. He is quite happy to push me to the point that he will be made homeless and he will just move on to the next gullible person that will let him live life from his bed.
I know if it was my DD boyfriend he would of been told to leave a long time ago, regardless. As a step mum, its a whole different ball game, I have to accept my DH parenting is a lot different to mine.

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uptotheneckinit · 13/01/2018 12:32

About 2 days, me and my DH argued constantly and I relented. They have an alternative. ie grandparent. The reason i relented is that my DH has missed out on having his DD living with him for the majority of her life, she was bought up 90 miles away, and to be honest she is a pleasure to have around. I also didnt think its fair on GP to have to put up with the bf finacially.

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cordeliavorkosigan · 13/01/2018 12:33

Raise the cost of his board, perhaps by a lot, and charge for wifi? This sounds so incredibly frustrating!

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2018 12:33

You owe this scrounging layabout of a manchild nothing. Your DH is being completely ridiculous. How long is he happy to have the boyfriend hanging around your house for? Till they’re 25? 30? 40?

With DH being such a spineless knobber about it, he has no reason to change.

What’s your housing situation? Do you own your home or rent? Was there ever an end point agreed when the moved in eg are they working towards getting their own place? Is your DH really happy having an unemployed, lazy, rude adult hanging around contributing nothing indefinitely? What sort of example is this setting for your own DC?

I think an ultimatum is your only option now. Not ideal but if DH won’t discuss it then you’re out of alternatives. He can move out and accommodate them if he’s that bothered.

You’ve done the right thing letting your DSD move in and she sounds like she’s getting on with her life finding a job. But you’re not responsible for her boyfriend and he’s taking the piss and making your life miserable. You’re not kicking DSD out. You’re putting conditions on the other unrelated adult living there too, which is your right. If she moves out because he fire then, as an adult, that’s her choice.

uptotheneckinit · 13/01/2018 12:35

Sorry i think the messages are getting mixed up

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Bluntness100 · 13/01/2018 12:35

Two days?. You had him live there for two days and then asked him to leave? How is that even giving him a chance?

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2018 12:38

Where he goes next is honestly not your problem. He’s got to get his shit together or he’ll keep taking the piss out of the people kind enough to put him up and being kicked out.

Again, you’re not asking DSD to leave. But you don’t have to accommodate her useless boyfriend in order to make her stay.

Staying at work because your home life is so stressful is not at all okay.

It won’t be you tearing the family unit apart. That’s happening already and isn’t your fault at all.

Why is acceptable for your DDs life to be turned upside down in the only home she has, so a relative stranger can be pandered to?

timeisnotaline · 13/01/2018 12:38

She’s been thinking about her ultimatum for two days, bf has been there 3 months...

KungFuEric · 13/01/2018 12:39

Bluntness he's been living there for months, he was asked to leave and remained away for two days before returning.

What are the ages of these children? They would be his grandparents who would take him in, yes? Not your step daughters?

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2018 12:40

bluntness, they moved in months ago and it took him 3 months to find 5 hours work a week. They moved out for 2 days till the DH bullied OP into having them move back in.

milkjetmum · 13/01/2018 12:44

I had a situation when I was younger (in my 20s) living with my sister in a house owned by out parents). Parents were abroad.

Dsis moved in a boyfriend. I wanted him to leave, lots of tearful arguments with dsis, he stayed. So in the end I left. I think it shocked both my sister and my parents that I would leave somewhere I could live rent free, I think they all assumed I'd just put up with it.

Just sharing this to give you the heads up that your children may be feeling this way, and may surprise you by voting with their feet. You may want to consider whether it would be better for you and your DC to move out which doesn't necessarily mean ending your relationship with dp. I still love my sister!

Nanny0gg · 13/01/2018 12:46

No wonder she was having problems at home...

Did you know what they were before you stepped in?

uptotheneckinit · 13/01/2018 12:47

Well you guys have certainly made me smile, cocklodger, is a new term on me, but perfect. also spineless knobber!
I also thank you for your responses, I know how i feel at times about the situation I have questioned my own sanity.
It seems I feel the same way as most people would be feeling in my shoes.
I have tried to imagine how I would feel if he was my son, I don't think i would of been able to throw him out. I'm pretty sure i would of drove him to the job centre and made him apply for work, I would of been on his back everyday, and dragged him out of bed. I am pretty sure he hasn't had any guidance in his life, he didn't even know he had to sign on if he wasn't working!! He thought we could claim for him!! We all work hard, thankfully we are able to.
I do pity him sometimes, and wish i could help him, but I infuriated with his bone idleness, and I think 4 months is long enough to prove he is not going to bother getting himself sorted.

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MyAimIsTrue · 13/01/2018 12:48

All you can do is tell your husband that you won't put up with it. It's your home as well as his. I can understand him wanting to keep his daughter close, but that guy is making a fool of all of you.

If that involves leaving, so be it. It's his choice, really - you or his daughter's boyfriend.

uptotheneckinit · 13/01/2018 12:48

No I threw him out after 1 month, they were away for two days.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2018 12:50

What are you going to do?

I’m glad other people feeling the same way has helped you to feel less alone.

He’s not your son. He’s not your step son. He’s not your responsibility.

What would he do if they broke up? He’d pull his finger out and bloody we’ll cope.

uptotheneckinit · 13/01/2018 12:51

sorry 3 months

OP posts:

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KungFuEric · 13/01/2018 12:52

I think I'd seriously investigate a new property for yourself and your children. You can tell your husband you still love him and want to be in a relationship with him, but you won't share your home, your space, with this bloody idiot.

Homemenu1 · 13/01/2018 12:54

He the bf the reason dsd was having problems at home?

52FestiveRoad · 13/01/2018 12:55

What is the set up with the house? Do you rent/own jointly? have you got somewhere else to go? Because personally I would be leaving with my kids if I could. Once you are no longer contributing to the household in financial or practical terms your DH may find he has a drastic change of heart. Only you can decide whether that is worth the upheaval or not.

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