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Sister in Law 'stole' the name we were going to use for our son - AIBU

(294 Posts)
SendMeOnMyWay Sat 13-Jan-18 08:45:09

Hi everyone. Feel pretty ridiculous posting here but I'm so upset.

8 months ago my beloved grandfather died. This guy literally raised me as my own parents couldn't give a shit most of the time. He died at a very young age too, and very suddenly, which made things much harder.

My partner and I decided from that point if we ever had a son he'd be named after my grandfather. A few months later I found myself pregnant when we didn't even think I could get pregnant - I suffer from PCOS. I'm 23 and we had been trying for about a year. Later on, we found out we were having a boy and I've never been happier.

Before I found out I was pregnant, my partners sister discovered she was. In all fairness, I've always had a decent relationship with this woman until she found out she was having a boy and confided in me that she didn't want a boy and was disappointed. As someone who has tried for a while to have a baby this wasn't nice to hear at all. Along with this, her situation over having a baby was very rushed. She only met her partner about 9 months ago now and he already has five kids from two previous relationships who all live with them both. They couldn't fit more kids in their 3 bed house if they tried. AGAIN, I don't want to sound an evil person, I was trying my best not to judge but I guess now I'm pissed off.

So, we were discussing names and I told her we were naming our son after my grandfather. She claimed they didn't have a name yet and couldn't decide on one. Their baby is due about 2-3 months before ours but I still didn't panic because who on earth would expect a family member to steal a baby name.

Going to cut this long story short here by saying that her and her partner have indeed decided to give their son the name we wanted for our son. Apparently she didn't think there was anything wrong with doing that as their son 'is gonna be born first' and 'that's just the way it is'. The name meant and means the world to me. Would it be totally awful and ridiculous if I still go on to name our son the same thing? It was our sons name first and a lot of thought went into it, whether he's going to be born first or not.

To make me feel even worse, my partner hasn't once stood up for me. He's known for being very laid back with his family members and claims he 'doesn't like conflict' but I'm just fed up. I said from the day my grandfather died that if I had a son he'd take on his name. Partners sister KNEW this too. It isn't like she just thought we were mentioning a cute name. She KNEW it was my grandfathers name and was even one of the people to comfort me when he died...

AIBU? What do you ladies think.

Thank you.

Cloudyapples Sat 13-Jan-18 08:47:29

I think name your son that anyway.

TractorTedTed Sat 13-Jan-18 08:47:44

Yes, just name your son the name you want. If it's that important to you, you don't want to regret it.

YouTheCat Sat 13-Jan-18 08:48:41

Go with the name you want.

Unhomme Sat 13-Jan-18 08:48:50

I'd still go ahead and name your son after your grandfather. It means a lot to you.

Littlebelina Sat 13-Jan-18 08:49:10

Name your son what you want and if anyone raises it explain why you chose that name. Usually I have the opinion you can bagsy a name but in your case I would be pissed off too.

We have lots of duplicate names in our family. We cope.

NancyJoan Sat 13-Jan-18 08:49:13

Use the name. That’s the only thing to do.

ZoopDragon Sat 13-Jan-18 08:49:17

If it's that important to you, give your son the same name. Warn her that's what you'll do so she can change her mind if she doesn't want the cousins to have the same name.

Nobody owns a name, and it's possible she'd forgotten you planned to use that name.

Lovebehindthefool Sat 13-Jan-18 08:49:28

Look, I can understand why you feel annoyed. However yabu. Name your child the same name if you like! Nobody owns a name and perhaps it really was the only name they liked. The backstory is making this more emotive for you. Honestly, carry on with your name. If you really can’t, is there a different variation? Or use as a middle name. Don’t let it upset you, the name means a lot to you, you can still use it. Sod everyone else flowers

Littlebelina Sat 13-Jan-18 08:49:39

Can't bagsy not can

Trialsmum Sat 13-Jan-18 08:49:59

Just do it! She’s got no grounds to complain.

pasturesgreen Sat 13-Jan-18 08:50:12

Just give your son the name you had intended. As gets repeated on MN often, you don't own the name, she didn't 'steal' it.

Tbh, you sound quite judgy.

PinkAvocado Sat 13-Jan-18 08:50:36

Normally I would say no one owns a name but this sounds unnecessarily mean when she knew what you had chosen and why.

Still go ahead with the name. You’ll regret it if not.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 13-Jan-18 08:51:49

I don’t know what the background of how many kids he has already, has to do with it - that just makes you sound a bit judgy isn’t very nice

However, no one owns a name - I know of several cousins in different families that have the same name - shrug

DartmoorDoughnut Sat 13-Jan-18 08:52:00

Def still use it, you’ll regret it if you don’t

coragreta Sat 13-Jan-18 08:52:11

Everyone says use the name but really it's going to confuse the grandparents who have two grandchildren with the same name.
Can it be easily shortened?
Is it common or unusual? Much more acceptable if it's Tom vs Agamemnon.

Also it's unclear if her Baby is here yet. Try to talk to her and explain.

SavoyCabbage Sat 13-Jan-18 08:53:07

Call your baby the name too. Put it out there that your baby is going to be called ‘John’ and call him that. I know she’s your SIL is a part of your lives but she is only a tiny part.

Your baby will have people in his life that have no idea about the other John. You and he will make friends at toddler groups, when he starts school, when he takes up tennis, when he goes to university and gets a job. The other John will just be living his own life.

It’s quite likely that yourSIL has just said that to cause a drama. So just power through. Don’t say you think it will be weird or anything just say ‘we have bought the paint for John’s room today’ or similar so she knows you are still having your name and that you couldn’t give a shit what she’s calling hers.

DumbledoresApprentice Sat 13-Jan-18 08:53:15

Use it anyway. Just tell her you’ll be using it too.

NoqontroI Sat 13-Jan-18 08:55:46

Use it anyway.

BeyondThePage Sat 13-Jan-18 08:55:47

We have 7 "John"s in the family (4 of them cousins) - no one could care less about who bagsy'd it first.

as they say on mumsnet - no one owns the name

KC225 Sat 13-Jan-18 08:55:49

I agree with the above posters, continue with the name.

UterusUterusGhali Sat 13-Jan-18 08:56:21

Use the name.

Like PP I feel she's actually overstepped the mark here. Is it something terribly common though, like Oliver or Jack? If anyone mentions the cousins have the same name you can just tell them what you've told us. (Without the judgey bits)

LadyBunnysWig Sat 13-Jan-18 08:57:04

I'd make a joke out of it next time you see her

"Aw won't it be lovely when little bob and bob are running round our feet? We'll never know who's who!"

If she calls you out on it or acts surprised that you're sticking with the name just laugh and tell her it's the way it is. Your baby is named after your grandad and her baby is named after yours. Follow that up with a killer smile and flounce away.

wifeymcwifeface1104 Sat 13-Jan-18 08:57:56

Name the baby the name you chose. Be easier to remember for the rest of the family then won't it ;-)

But seriously, it's only going to be one side (your DPs side) that will have any issues, and anyone she slags you off to.

She was the one who didn't consider that there'd be two of them in the family, you've always planned to call you child that.

Stick to your guns!

Tragicboozyflaccidclown Sat 13-Jan-18 08:58:15

Definitely still use the name, it’s very important to you. And if it pisses her off then that’s a bonus!

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