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I feel like the worst friend ever!

(205 Posts)
FussyKnickersAndGirlPants Sat 13-Jan-18 00:55:11

I am a bridesmaid in June and am due to go on the hen party in march. It involves a weekend away (2 nights) and includes cocktail making, afternoon tea etc etc
I don't want to go 😟 I have never spent more than one night away from DH and children in 12 years. I have such anxiety of being away from them that I had a (planned) home birth on our last baby (who was 9lbs11oz.... Jeez that wasn't easy lol)
I'm so worried about telling my best friend. I don't want to hurt her, I don't want to let her down .... but genuinely, i don't think I can cope with being away from DH and the children for a whole weekend!
I feel like I'm being so irrational and self centred. I don't know if IBU? I don't want to ruin her hen weekend not being there, but I don't want to ruin it by bursting on to tears and wanting to go home.
There are at least 15 - 20 going on this weekend. Would she miss me? Would it be awful for one of her bridesmaids not to be there (there are 2 bridesmaids)
Sorry.... I'm rambling.... I just don't want to be a terrible person 😢

Greensleeves Sat 13-Jan-18 00:58:38

It sounds like my idea of hell too tbh, I would absolutely hate it.

It most certainly does not make you a terrible friend. You can be there for your friend in other ways. Maybe surprise her with a nice lunch? If she's a good friend she will understand that your anxiety means that this is just too difficult for you, and she won't want you to put yourself through something that you don't want.

SleepingStandingUp Sat 13-Jan-18 01:05:00

Pf course you have to go, jist be honest with her. However perhaps it is time that you dealt with a level of anxiety which is impacting on how you can live your life.

How old are the kids.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Sat 13-Jan-18 01:07:32

It’s not normal to be so anxious about being away from home for a couple of nights OP. I’m not fussed on hen nights, especially the going away with 30 other people I don’t really know Type but a couple of nights away shouldn’t really induce such anxiety. For your own sake you should look into getting some help for that .

looondonn Sat 13-Jan-18 01:09:12

How about go for first day and leave after dinner? How far away is it? Hard one- but I am sure she will understand

Greensleeves Sat 13-Jan-18 01:09:18

It isn't normal, but it isn't as uncommon as you might think. I have PTSD and chronic anxiety and I know quite a few other women who do - none of us would go on this trip.

OP are you having any treatment for your anxiety?

Rainbowsandflowers78 Sat 13-Jan-18 01:19:11

Of course it’s normal not to want to leave your kids! Ignore the others that say otherwise - maternal instinct is to be there for your kids - it’s natural and nature.

Can you all afford to go to the area of the hen do for s family weekend and you do hen stuff during day and evenings but stay with your family rather than the hens? Your oh can take the kids on a trip out for the day? I’ve done this before and it’s worked really well.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Sat 13-Jan-18 01:21:57

No rainbow it isn’t normal to be anxious to the point of bursting into tears at being away for a couple of nights.

Greensleeves Sat 13-Jan-18 01:23:26

It does suggest a high level of anxiety imo. That's not something anyone needs to be judgemental about though, it's a (treatable) condition and OP can't just snap out of it.

Sparklesocks Sat 13-Jan-18 01:25:33

As a bridesmaid she might be upset you’re not there, did you organise it? Or did the other bridesmaid?

Could you do one night as a compromise?

You might want to address this anxiety, it’s normal to not like being away from your family but to skip social events and to burst into tears isn’t as normal. Have you ever spoken to anyone about it? What about when your DC start going on trips away from home without you, would you have the same fears?

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Sat 13-Jan-18 01:30:04

No one is judging or said she could snap out of it.

Greensleeves Sat 13-Jan-18 01:31:35

No Donny, I wasn't criticising you or any other poster! Just the general pressure on people with anxiety to push themselves through it, and the fact that OP feels guilty when it isn't her fault flowers

MiddleClassProblem Sat 13-Jan-18 01:34:32

I think you need to talk to both her and your GP. As someone with anxiety I can relate, it must feel so overwhelming at the moment and you have 2 months of it looming over you. Having said that, pushing your self through anxiety with coping mechanisms, looking at “bad” things that worry you realistically, it could be a turning point.

If you can try CBT. You can ask your GP but waiting lists can be long so if you can afford privately, it’s worth looking into.

DonnyAndVladSittingInATree Sat 13-Jan-18 01:35:19

Ah sorry greensleves I’ve misinterpreted your post. thanks for you too.

SleepingStandingUp Sat 13-Jan-18 01:40:23

maternal instinct is to be there for your kids - it’s natural and nature so wjat does that say about anyone else there quote happily leaving their kid at home Rainbow?

Leilaniiii Sat 13-Jan-18 01:41:54

I think you should IGNORE people trying to say there's something wrong with you and you should get help. What you're feeling is perfectly normal. I don't like being away from home without my family. I love my DH and DC (even though they're a nightmare) and I like being with them. We do travel a lot, but we almost always travel together. I also don't like late nights, I get up around 4.30-5 am so that I can work in peace. I can't imagine staying out late and getting drunk.

How far away is the venue from your home?

Rainbowsandflowers78 Sat 13-Jan-18 01:45:01

My gosh sleeping - nothing! Stop being so touchy. You don’t have to be tied to your kids 24/7 but let’s not make someone feel bad and tell them to get anxiety treatment because they don’t want to rush away from their kids on a hen weekend

KriticalSoul Sat 13-Jan-18 01:53:01

as someone who suffers with anxiety I think you really need to ask yourself WHY you feel so anxious about it.

what exactly is it that worries you so much about being away from your DH/Kids overnight?

If you can figure that out, it might help you rationally try and work through it.

KriticalSoul Sat 13-Jan-18 01:56:46

FTR, I don't think I could do that trip either, not with so many other women, it would be my idea of social anxiety/introvert hell.

I'd maybe manage one night and a whole day, but 2 nights? I'd need to go home and have a night/day to recover.

That doesn't mean it won't be a useful exercise for you to still analyse your anxiety about it.

For me it would be that I don't cope with large groups of people, so I would feel isolated/left out. I'd be concerned i'd come across as too needy with the one good friend in the group I have as i'd end up attaching myself to her, then be worrying I was a bother/inconvenience and people would end up hating me.

CaledonianQueen Sat 13-Jan-18 01:56:47

I honestly don't blame you OP, I am a homebody and even with fantastic anxiety medication (honestly, I cannot stress how life changing that medication has been for me), I hate the idea of being away from my husband and children, even for a couple of nights. I am on the Autistic Spectrum which is most likely why! Luckily, my dh feels the same way, he worked away for weeks on end early in our marriage and missed so much of dc's early years, he has never wanted to be away from us outside of that. (He does have his own hobbies and interests that he goes to/ attends on his own, he just wouldn't want to spend several days away if it could be helped).

My ds is also autistic and very much needs and thrives on routine.
It does sound that you have anxiety issues, I would contact your G.P/ make an appointment and ask for anti-anxiety medication and/ or a referral for counselling. My Mum also suffers from chronic anxiety, (along with so many other conditions including Fibro) and I have been begging her to ask her g.p for anti-anxiety meds. She has been on anti-depressants but the depression is triggered by chronic anxiety so they have never worked. She finally asked and her g.p started her on the meds last week and it has honestly been wonderful to hear how happy, chilled and relaxed she sounds. If only she had listened several years ago, she would have saved herself so much suffering! The anti-anxiety med has the benefit of helping nerve pain which she has chronically with Fibro, so she has been pain-free this last week too!

I would seek treatment, then reassess a couple of weeks after. You may find that your anxiety greatly improves and you are able to go. Or like me, you may just not like leaving your family. In your shoes, I would apologise and book vouchers for you and the bride to go to a spa for a massage/ manicure/ pedicure in the run-up to the wedding. Then take her out to lunch somewhere nice. That way you are spending some lovely girly time with your df and making up for your absence. If there are fifty plus going then honestly one less won't make a difference.

SleepingStandingUp Sat 13-Jan-18 01:59:21

Leilliani op says herself * I have such anxiety*. That isn't healthy. Its not a judgement. Being home with the kids every day til they're 25 cos you want to is fine. Feeling such anxiety at the thought of bring away to the point of having a home birth just to stay woth them? Not so much so

Fair enough Rainbows but your other post reads quite judgementally as if the normal thing is to never want to bevaway from them and everyone else is a beast. I clearly misinterpreted it

Maryz Sat 13-Jan-18 02:06:07

The thing is that as your children get older you will have to spend nights away from them - unless you aren't going to let them go anywhere without you, and that isn't healthy.

So you really need to look at this from two points of view - firstly in relation to the hen party and who (if anyone) will be upset if you don't turn up, but secondly and more importantly in relation to your anxiety at being away from them, because it's really important you don't pass that anxiety on to them.

I think the advice to talk to your gp is good. But I also wonder what you would be happy with. Would you manage one night away? Could you push yourself to going very early in the morning of the second day and staying overnight? Would that satisfy your brain and its worrying, and also give you a sense of achievement that you managed this, therefore when your child wants to (for example) go on a school/scout/birthday sleepover you will manage that too.

CheapSausagesAndSpam Sat 13-Jan-18 02:22:59

OP...people here won't be sympathetic in the main. Take no notice.

I am the same as you and now I'm older (45) I've learned that anyone who doesn't understand or try to and who judges me, isn't a good friend and I don't give a shit about them anyway.

My good true friends understand me. I recently missed one of theirchildren's parties which I'd got a day off work especially for.

I just couldn't face it.

Noise, crowds...nope.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 13-Jan-18 02:30:48

My best and oldest friend had a hen week planned in a Mediterranean holiday place that's very popular. I didn't want to go. I don't know why, because when younger, I'd been on similar trips with her and other friends, to equally popular and noisy places. But this one, I just didn't want to go. As it turned out, life/fate took a hand and I was actually unable to go, and was able to recoup the ticket cost etc. so wasn't out of pocket.

Friend also had a quieter home "hen night", which I did go to and enjoyed very much.

Maybe you could suggest to your friend that you have an afternoon tea out with her (and maybe the other BM, plus a few of the other closer friends if you want) instead of you coming to the big party that would make you horribly anxious? That way you can still feel like you've been a part of the wedding prelims but haven't had to cause yourself huge anxiety over it.

If you were my friend, and I knew that you had this sort of anxiety, then I would probably understand - I'd be disappointed because I'd feel like you would be missing out, but if it would make you miserable to come then I wouldn't want you to do that.

Dawn1992 Sat 13-Jan-18 02:48:57

I'm in the same boat, I hate being apart from my DP, the weekend away is in Feb and I've just found out I'm pregnant. I'm one of my best friends bridesmaids also. but now that I'm pg I can't join in on any of the activitys it's a weekend away in a cabin with lots of drinking games and a hot tub... I've paid my part but I'm really considering not going. I feel your pain sad x

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