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Is this ok?

(33 Posts)
gingergenius Fri 12-Jan-18 15:07:56

I don't know whether I'm overreacting or not but this has upset me and I need perspective.

I have posted about my relationship with my oh and have had issues with him in the past relating to infidelity/money problems etc and at new year he complained that my kids not sleeping over at their dads (they're all getting older so have more of a say) has resulted in our sex life becoming dull.

I decided that I didn't want to be with him any longer as I felt that his attitude conflicted with my desire to sensitively parent my kids and help them foster a good relationship with their dad (which has sometimes been a bit rocky with my eldest).

I haven't seen him since jan 1st but I run a business in which he is significantly entwined, so agreed to meet today to break the ice as we will, until we form an exit plan, have to work together. Today was the first time we have seen each other for nearly 2 weeks.

I have recently gone back to uni to get my creative arts degree (relevant)

We were talking and he was asking about a project I was working on. I mentioned the word semiotics and he immediately interrupted with a smutty comment which I felt was a bit in poor taste under the circumstances.

When I said (calmly) that I didn't feel he was listening/taking me seriously he replied "oh don't be so stupid, I know you like it but it's not like you're finding a cure for cancer'.

I felt completely shut down and felt minimised, ridiculed and belittled.

My self esteem has taken a hit so I could be projecting a bit but he's insisting all the negativity is because of me and in no way has he belittled me, and it's my skewed perception.

I said his words were unkind and unnecessary and he needs to acknowledge that and all he said was: I acknowledge you feel the way you do.

Am I going mad? Am I being oversensitive? I wouldn't say something like to to someone because it sounds horrible and dismissive but he makes me feel like I'm going bonkers?

Sorry it's long - wanted to give a rounded picture of my circumstances.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Fri 12-Jan-18 15:12:37

I felt completely shut down and felt minimised, ridiculed and belittled.

I'm not bloody surprised! What an arsehole, not surprised you left him. Onwards and upwards, good luck with the degree. flowers

WeirdCatLady Fri 12-Jan-18 15:12:53

This is why he’s an ex.

I think you needing him to understand, see your perspective, apologise etc is ott and never going to happen. Just get him out of the business and move on.

Aquamarine1029 Fri 12-Jan-18 15:13:11

He's being an asshole because you've left him. Rejoice that you have and ignore his moronic comments. All they do is show how pathetic he really is.

frasier Fri 12-Jan-18 15:30:46

He's rude.
He doesn't like being told he is rude and so denies it.
You proved he was rude.
So he feels stupid.
So he does the smug and passive aggressive "I acknowledge you feel the way you do" thing. Bet he feels such a big man for coming up with that.

You are better than him. Ignore him. Glad he's your ex.

Trinity66 Fri 12-Jan-18 15:34:43

You should be glad you got this little bit of reassurance that you made the right call in dumping him flowers

gingergenius Fri 12-Jan-18 15:36:15

Thankyou. He's just made me feel like I'm barking mad. I've told him that we are working towards an exit plan.

frasier Fri 12-Jan-18 15:44:12

You know he also is jealous of your degree? If he wasn't, he wouldn't try to minimalist it.

He will continue to try and undermine you. Try to get out quickly.

gingergenius Fri 12-Jan-18 16:04:59

@frasier I did wonder if that might be something because he said something about not being bothered by me doing it even though I hadn't mentioned he might feel a bit threatened. Even if I did suggest that, he would deny it.

BewareOfDragons Fri 12-Jan-18 16:09:41

You did the right thing in ending it with him. Just keep remembering that important piece of info whenever he says something asinine, cruel, vindictive, demeaning, etc.

You did the right thing.

Be glad he's not going to be your problem any more.

user1495222250 Fri 12-Jan-18 16:33:03

All he has done is prove that you were right in packing him in. Please don't let him dent your confidence. He's not worth it.

DancesWithOtters Fri 12-Jan-18 16:44:05

Cunt. You're well rid.

gingergenius Fri 12-Jan-18 16:59:18

Thanks all. It seems it's not all in my head. Appreciate the feedback. X

0ccamsRazor Fri 12-Jan-18 17:05:42

Op he is a wanker.

You know it, he knows it.

No point letting his pea brain twatishness get to you, just ignore his pathetic comments and rejoice in the knowledge that he is never going to anything other than a sad wanker.

WitchDancer Fri 12-Jan-18 17:09:40

Next time just stare at him for a minute and then go with 'yes, well, as I was saying....and go back to the point you just raised. He doesn't then get the joy of a reaction by you and hopefully feels like the knob he is.

gingergenius Fri 12-Jan-18 17:18:25

Good idea @WitchDancer
Unfortunately NC is not practical right now but minimal contact is doable.

I just got this from him after telling him that if I have said something that another person was hurt, upset or offended by, even if it was unintentional, I would apologise immediate and not pretend the other person was 'stupid' for getting upset.

Apparently he said sorry but I didn't hear him! After I said I hadn't heard him because when he was ranting at me I walked out of the room, to which he replied:

"Well I did. I’ll say it again now, I’m sorry that my reaction to the situation hurt your feelings."

WTAF dies that even mean?????

If it wasn't so tragic it'd be funny! Is it me or is that lots of words put together to sound like an apology but actually ISN'T???


gingergenius Fri 12-Jan-18 17:20:13

Sorry. Just venting!

WitchDancer Fri 12-Jan-18 17:22:04

If I was I would stop giving it headspace and trying to get a decent apology from him. He's basically saying he's sorry that your feelings were hurt - in other words he will never admit he was out of order.

frasier Fri 12-Jan-18 17:22:56

Classic non apology. He's scrambling now whilst trying to save face. How immature!

Best get on with your life and leave him to his.

BougieQueen Fri 12-Jan-18 17:31:36

Drop him like he's hot.

Regularsizedrudy Fri 12-Jan-18 17:35:40

He’s a sad angry bitter little man. Don’t let him get to you, sounds like you are doing great flowers

gingergenius Fri 12-Jan-18 17:45:49

I know. You're all right it's just good to get it off my chest. Went to college and burst into tears but all good. Has definitely cemented in my mind that I'm making the right decision .

gingergenius Sat 13-Jan-18 21:58:04

Not sure if anyone is still reading this but feel so broken. Agreed to see him to try and smooth the way and when I said his comments were hurtful he asked me to repeat what he'd said that was so awful because he didn't think anything he'd said was that bad.

I feel like I'm going mad.

I told him to go home and need to concentrate on my project which needs to be handed in on Wednesday. Is he trying to sabotage this?

I'm totally and utterly broken.

DeliberatelyAwkward Sat 13-Jan-18 23:21:34

A - Gaslighter?

B - a combination of low emotional intelligence and stubbornness?

The exchange you've described (upset you - he denies he can appreciate why it might be upsetting) sounds so similar to the occasional exchange with my OH. I get an apology maybe 1/5 times. My OH is option B.

Either way, because he's not going to be in your future in any emotional way, this deserves zero emotional energy or effort! Breath out, back to your project.

gingergenius Sat 13-Jan-18 23:23:51

Thanks @DeliberatelyAwkward I really don't know.

Just feel so so sad for what could've been. Appreciate your comments.

Sadly gaslighter is more likely x

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