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To ask if you need a partner to be of equal intelligence?

(119 Posts)
rockcity Fri 12-Jan-18 13:39:35

I got together with a new partner recently and for the most part it's been awesome. He's fantastic and we get on and bond in a very basic underlying level - there's something that's just right. In addition to that, sex is incredible - best ever - and we love each other very dearly. He's a great guy. Only niggle that sometimes causes me pause for thought - I don't think we're on the same level intellectually. I'm not of the school that thinks romantic partners need to be everything to one another, yet as I've noticed this it has come as something of a disappointment to me. But does it have to matter? And is it something that can be worked on, is it even necessarily important when everything else is great? He has the edge on me in so many other ways - emotional intelligence, practicality, stability, etc. and is charming and extremely likeable socially. He's a wonderful guy and on a visceral level we just match so well. Can it work?

Snowysky20009 Fri 12-Jan-18 13:41:43

Who's of the highest 'presumed' intelligence?

silvousplaitmerci Fri 12-Jan-18 13:41:47

People may disagree with you but I do agree with you wholeheartedly

KatnissMellark Fri 12-Jan-18 13:44:06

You (and I) will probably get flamed for saying it, but I think you do need to be of a similar level of intelligence. I dated a couple of dim(ish) guys prior to DH and it drove me crazy.

unlimiteddilutingjuice Fri 12-Jan-18 13:45:17

I think it's important to be able to talk to each other. Do you find his conversation boring?

rockcity Fri 12-Jan-18 13:46:20

Unlimited - sometimes

SmiledWithTheRisingSun Fri 12-Jan-18 13:46:59

It depends... he could be less formally educated than you but still intelligent - in which case get over yourself!

Or... he could just not be the sharpest tool in the box - (educated or not) in which case you might get a bit bored or feel guilty at some point for thinking this.

g1itterati Fri 12-Jan-18 13:47:40

Only time will tell OP. As you say there are different kinds of intelligence, but what areas do you feel he may be slightly lacking in exactly?
For instance, if it's something like mathematical ability, don't worry. You may get a bit frustrated if you feel he has a limited perspective on life or not much depth of understanding in general, however.

snash12 Fri 12-Jan-18 13:48:19

I completely agree with you OP. A couple of past relationships of mine have certainly been less successful due to us not being the same intellectually.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun Fri 12-Jan-18 13:48:27

On the other hand.., I have a highly educated DH. Love having conversations with him. Love shagging him. But I really bloody wish I'd married a builder sometimes 🤣

elvesareneverhappy Fri 12-Jan-18 13:48:59

My DH and I have very different educational backgrounds (I did a post-grad degree and he got a diploma) but it doesn't make a difference in our relationship because he has a lot more practical knowledge than I do while I've read more books than he has. He listens and asks questions about things I am interested in and I do the same for him. It means we have both learned a lot about things that we wouldn't have known otherwise.

FilledSoda Fri 12-Jan-18 13:49:40

I think it's important in the long run.
The most meaningful connection with a partner is a meeting of the minds.
This isn't to be confused with education obviously as that is always evolving, hopefully.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun Fri 12-Jan-18 13:49:43

How old are you both OP?
And how long have you known him?

Greensleeves Fri 12-Jan-18 13:49:52

Yes. There's no way it would work otherwise. We spar a lot, it's how we flirt, and I would feel lonely if we were on different levels intellectually (in either direction)

Crocodilesoup Fri 12-Jan-18 13:50:01

There will always be something that isn’t perfect. If you could make him more intelligent, which other quality would you be happy to do without?
My dh is very intelligent and I still find conversations boring at times, because of what he wants to talk about!

rockcity Fri 12-Jan-18 13:50:13

Smiled - a previous guy I dated was a labourer but I noticed very quickly that he was super intelligent. The guy I'm with has a degree. I have considered this but I don't think I'm getting hung up on education

Enidblyton1 Fri 12-Jan-18 13:50:22

I would have said yes, but I can think of several friends who are more 'intelligent' than their DHs and they seem two of the happiest couples I know. So I don't think it HAS to be a problem. I guess you have to have some deeper connection with someone, but not necessarily on an intellectual level.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun Fri 12-Jan-18 13:51:11

Exactly elves this is what I was getting at - different educational backgrounds but both intelligent 🤓

GrouchyKiwi Fri 12-Jan-18 13:51:53

I think it depends more on personality than just intellect. I'd say DH is more academically intelligent than I am, but I have more wisdom. (That sounds very immodest. Sorry.) So in our case it evens out. We have similar interests so plenty to talk about. I agree with unlimited that having interesting conversation is more important.

One of my cousins is very academic and analytical, not imaginative. Her husband is nowhere near as academic as she is but similarly analytical. Their relationship is great.

littlepeas Fri 12-Jan-18 13:52:45

Yes, I think it is important. You need to be able to speak to and understand one another without a lot of effort and you need to be friends, which I think would be much more difficult if you are not matched intellectually. Long term it would surely cause resentment, whichever party you are.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun Fri 12-Jan-18 13:53:52

Ha! crocodile I have a friend like you. She literally rolls her eyes when her DH starts banging on about politics or something. She loves him and is equally intelligent- just in a different field.

BadPolicy Fri 12-Jan-18 13:54:22

I don't think it's academic intelligence that matters, it's your interest in learning new things and the things you want to learn about.

I'm more academically able than DP, but we both like to learn new things and we share an interest in languages, technology...

Lovely333 Fri 12-Jan-18 13:54:42

I'm not as intelligent as my dh, He is very intelligent, But we work together extremely well.

KERALA1 Fri 12-Jan-18 13:54:53

Fine for a short thing but how on earth could you be in a long marriage with someone you can't have a decent conversation with and who isn't on your wavelength? Its not not being "perfect" its a huge deal.

I dated in my twenties whilst looking for someone to marry blush and no way went on a second date with anyone who had no spark or intelligence no matter how gorgeous he was.

TheQueenOfWands Fri 12-Jan-18 13:55:03

No, I think there's just different types of intelligence, rather than different levels.

I'm good with maths, but I never mastered driving. Plenty of people drive brilliantly but can't do maths. People are good at different things.

Obviously there's some examples of people being incredibly smart but those are minorities.

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