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To dread the postman arriving?

(64 Posts)
RedPatchedAnkle Fri 12-Jan-18 12:45:15

I have a thread over on SN chat atm about my DD. She's 2.6 and has a Global Developmental Delay including Physical Delay, Speech Delay, Hip Problems, Squinted eye, Hearing and Chest issues including Asthma - I've posted about her before.

I've always been a pretty laid back person. At school the other girls used to say if "RedPatch is crying then it's got to be serious because she never cries".

But recently I've been finding myself getting anxious every time the post arrives. DD has a lot of appointments every week and I find myself dedicating more and more time to her conditions. I don't mind because she's my DD but I feel so anxious when a letter comes through the door addressed to "Parent/Guardian of Little Patched Ankle" and even sometimes crying putting the dates into the calendar and seeing "appointment for Little Patched at x hospital, at y time and on z date"

I'm already on antidepressants due to the stress of everything with DD. But it's getting too much again. I've considered giving her up, especially when we have 12+ appointments in a month and it feels like I'm paying £500 a month for her to not attend Nursery which is a lot of money. But I wouldn't do that, as I do love her, and her me (she told her keyworker at Nursery "Mumma love-y" (mummy lovely)) and it wouldn't be fair to her and I'd always wonder "what if".

But I dread the postman arriving. I know it's not his fault, he only delivers the letters, but I feel sick at the thought of the post arriving tomorrow - bills and junk mail I can cope with it's the appointments. I feel so worried for her, and her future. It's blood tests for this and urine samples for that, with an x-ray on her hips and chest and an MRI thrown in for good measure. This is surely unsustainable when she's at school?

I don't have health anxiety and manage to make the appointments fun and an adventure for DD - stuff like taking the train there instead of driving as she loves trains. But it shouldn't be like this, should it? I'm scared of the postman which is ridiculous because he's actually a very nice man with 2 grown up children and a dog.

So AIBU to ask how I can get over this anxiety? And how I can stop being scared of the postman?

blue2014 Fri 12-Jan-18 12:57:22

Can you go to your GP and ask for therapy? I think you need to talk to some one about how you feel, completely understandably - it's a lot to be managing with. Or is there a carers group for mums nearby? You just need support and to be listened to i think thanks

PeapodBurgundy Fri 12-Jan-18 12:59:15

I've no experience of a poorly child at all OP, but I didn't want to read and run. I know you're obviously very busy, but might you be able to fit in some CBT sessions for yorself? I've suffered from anxiety on and off over the years, and it's the only thing that helped me. You can self refer (get the nuber through your GP) and can have appointments over the phone, so you wouldn't be adding to the already long list of appointments you already have to travel to. flowers

Zapdos Fri 12-Jan-18 13:07:33

For low level anxiety/depression I would really recommend St John's Wart (although not if you're on the pill). I found it really helped with my PND (was prescribed two types of antidepressants and was allergic to both). CBT was also helpful.

I can only imagine how difficult it must be. I feel like my life is one long series of appointments too (DC1 being assessed for ASD; DC2 is under SALT, sees a physio, has various food allergies and asthma) and I certainly have less on my plate than you.

Zapdos Fri 12-Jan-18 13:08:07

*Wort, not wart! Autocorrect fail, sorry.

RedPatchedAnkle Fri 12-Jan-18 13:14:02

I will definitely look at CBT, if I can find the time.

Zapdos I'm often grateful DD is my only child, as I couldn't imagine trying to cope with multiple children even if the others were NT.

PeapodBurgundy Fri 12-Jan-18 19:39:42

I used to have one 30 minute appointment a month, so not a huge drain on my time, but each session gave me something new to try in terms of thought processes and coping strategies. I then had a month to get to grips with that, before discussing a new one. I was surprised at how much I gto out of such little contact.

Allthewaves Fri 12-Jan-18 19:49:43

Could you have post in an outside mail box then if you have dp for them to bring mail in and sit and open them together?

RedPatchedAnkle Fri 12-Jan-18 21:44:22

All we live in a block of flats, and the postman uses a trades button to get in and post mail in individual doors. We're not allowed to put anything on the interior communal walls or the exterior walls of the block. We privately rent but the block is freeheld by a Housing Association who make the rules for the communal areas.

TwoBlueFish Fri 12-Jan-18 22:10:44

If you have a local carers Centre they sometimes offer things such as counselling.

I have a son who has Down syndrome. When he was younger the appointments seemed endless (paediatrician, cardiologist, audiologist, ophthalmologist, Physio, speech therapy, blood tests, etc) plus all the normal illnesses that kids gets. It was utterly exhausting and I did have a breakdown as I was also trying to work full time, battle with schools, keep everything going at home and I just couldn’t do it. I went to see a therapist, took antidepressants and changed to part time work.

My son is a teenager now and appointments are much less (maybe 6 a year) and I can breathe again. I think the worst time was around the same age as your daughter, by the time School properly started the appointments had decreased significantly.

Hang in there, ask for and accept help when offered and look after yourself as well.

Jobjobjob Fri 12-Jan-18 22:15:23

This is so sad, I'm so sorry for your DD. I can't offer anything but thanks

IsabellaTruffle Fri 12-Jan-18 22:20:04

Are you in the UK?

My DC also has various health issues and we have a psychologist via the hospital. I struggled to cope after diagnosis and various treatments and the consultant asked if I'd like to be put in contact with her.

In our hospitals case she sees children and their parents of all types of disabilities and conditions. I've found it to be so helpful and has helped me through that dark patch immensely. If the hospital can't help you at all you could try your GP or private therapy?

RedPatchedAnkle Fri 12-Jan-18 22:23:53

Yes I am UK. I've got a doctors appointment next week anyway so will discuss it then. I'm just worried I can't fit it in.

HermionesRightHook Fri 12-Jan-18 22:25:59

Oh lovey. You sound like you're doing an amazing job of mumming - she must adore you, and you're doing beautifully for her organising all that.

I have post anxiety - totally different reasons, but I can completely empathise with the feeling of doom. Cbt will help and you may be able to access some techniques online.

Have you got friends that might consider helping break the cycle by sending you and your DD random postcards and stuff? It won't help with the scary envelopes but it will give you reason to not dread the actual postperson.

RedPatchedAnkle Fri 12-Jan-18 22:26:57

I work part time TwoBlue and DH works fulltime, but I just think it's too much. But if I give up work I'll lose that last little bit of myself that I have, I hate my job but I love that it gets me away from DD and family life. And I'm not "Little Patched's Mum" but "Red Patched.

StillMedusa Fri 12-Jan-18 22:30:18

It slows down..honest. The first few years of finding out the problems , or not getting a diagnosis, but a list of problems really can feel overwhelming, but generally (severe medical needs aside) the appointments DO slow down as they approach school age and it becomes a bit more routine.
My DS2 (no 4) had lots of special needs from birth and I felt totally overwhelmed and very depressed by it all... non stop assessments of all the thins he couldn't do, therapies, genetics, bla bla...
BUT it was all about getting him into the system of help and support and it was important.
IF your dd goes to a special school a lot of the therapies take place on site (not sure about mainstream as my son went to SS all the way through)
Also, do look for support for yourself. Parenting a child with extra needs is tough and it helps to meet others, online or in person who just 'get it' Specialkidsintheuk is one with supports others with any special need... I've been a member for many years now.

Not sure about the postman tho, sorry... but you are not alone with your anxiety, It DOES get easier tho. Mostly!
PM me if you just want an ear, or a chat...I've been there!

IsabellaTruffle Fri 12-Jan-18 22:31:26

Could you potentially take DD with you? I don't have childcare really so have taken my DC with me, they can then take us into a play therapy room while DC plays. They often have a play therapist come down to help distract, I have also had a few "sessions" on the phone which also helped and may be an easier option for you?

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt Fri 12-Jan-18 22:32:19

OP I'm sorry I can't offer any ideas to help. Each new appointment has the potential for them finding another issue, and you're already afraid of what the future holds for her. It sounds like you'd also like a period of time where you could all just be normal and everyday, nothing to worry about but just be a family together.

But what I can say is, if you're taking prescription antidepressants DON'T take St John's Wort at the same time. It's a sure fire route to serotonin syndrome, and that's something you really don't want to experience.

StillinMyPJs Fri 12-Jan-18 22:39:46

Hi Red! I have three children, all with GDD and I can tell you that 18m to 3 years was the hardest emotionally. That’s when all their peers are really taking off developmentally and my son was non mobile and non verbal. It really hurts.

With my oldest I found anything written on paper about him tear inducing. It’s as if seeing it written down makes it more real.

As he’s got older it’s got easier (I never thought I’d say that!) to deal with the emotions. I found that it comes in waves. I had a particularly bad time when the twins were diagnosed with the same condition but I take everyday as it comes and try not to look too far ahead. Something that really helped me was learning about ‘Chronic Sorrow’ or you can also google ‘special needs parenting grief’. It helped me understand why I felt like I did.

As my children get older and I have more time I have found going to support groups helpful. None of my friends understand what my life is like and how hard it is but the support group do.

My oldest is 9 and the twins are 5. We do still have a lot of appointments at the hospital but the number has definitely decreased over the years. We see most of the specialists once a year. We moved close to the children’s hospital so it doesn’t take a whole day to go to an appointment!

If you want to chat you can send me a PM flowers

Snowysky20009 Fri 12-Jan-18 22:42:23

Have you spoke to your friends in RL about this? If I was your friend, I would be providing you with a hug, an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on, even if it's just to get it out of your system.

Things sound like its getting on top of you, and it's understandable. I'm glad you have an appointment with your GP. Yo muct make time go this. If you don't and you become really unwell who will be there for your dd then?

I know it's. It's the done thing but here's a (((hug))) for you. Are you on any forums where you can talk to people who are in the same position as you? I'm not so feel limited in what I can suggest sorry.

RedPatchedAnkle Fri 12-Jan-18 22:43:56

I won't take anything else unless recommended to by my doctor, don't worry.

I just want to book a holiday and spend some time as the 3 of us as a normal family for just a few days - everything else can be sorted, work, childcare, I can even find someone to feed the cat at short notice.

No idea if I could take DD to therapy with me, would certainly be helpful. Not sure about a special school, this is what worries me. She has no diagnosis apart from the GDD and her hip problem, and the Nursery had her EHCP application rejected as they're managing her atm.

RedPatchedAnkle Fri 12-Jan-18 22:48:45

My friends don't understand, their children are all "fine" and NT which is awful to see. My DM says "Oh she'll be ok" and MIL just says that "Every child develops at their own rate, she'll get there".

Not on any specialist forums no, don't go to support groups. My DH works varying shifts and it's a struggle to find the time to be together around everything as well as DDs appointments.

Dancinggoat Fri 12-Jan-18 22:52:02

Hi. It's fantastic that so many services are involved but it often becomes overwhelming for the child and their parents.
Are some services trying to do joint appointments or make sure their appointments happen straight after each other so trips to children centre or hospital are reduced. This is something we try to do in my area.
Are there some services that you can ask to have a break from for a bit like speech therapy. Could you continue what they suggest at home and be reassessed in three months for example.
Parents who become overwhelmed with appts we try to offer joint home visits with other services. Speech and physio go out together.
12 appts a month of non medical is too much.
Can you ask to have a care coordinator to help sort it.
Areas operate so differently but you can't continue like this. thanks

codswallopandbalderdash Fri 12-Jan-18 22:55:46

Not much to offer other than get some support for yourself as a carer. Get in touch with children's social work - see what they suggest.Get in touch with some charities who support families who have children with SN. It will be overwhelming at times - that's normal. More surprised that medical and social work professionals aren't offering you more support to make you feel less isolated

RedPatchedAnkle Fri 12-Jan-18 22:58:46

Services are offered at different places so it's hard to get them all done together. Plus no-one seems to talk to each other. She's referred to 3 different hospitals which have outpatients clinics in 2-3 different places and then she has blood tests and stuff at the doctors.

Her eyes she's seen every 12 months, but everything else is either monthly or every 3 months. She has 18 referrals in place and it's ever increasing.

She already has physio go into Nursery to see her fortnightly but even that gets moved around a lot due to other appointments. So sometimes she'll have two consecutive weeks of Physio then nothing for 3 weeks due to appointments, so it's not actually helpful even though Nursery staff and DH and I are doing the exercises at home/in Nursery.

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