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AIBU to be hurt by in laws decisions

(196 Posts)
Hisnamesblaine Thu 11-Jan-18 09:50:21

I know I will be accused of being grabby and jealous...and maybe I am. But Im so hurt and full of resentment that it's making me not want to be around them. Backstory. I'm married with one DS. My DP (38) has 2 siblings. One (31) is married with 2 DC and the other is single (40) and lives at home. Their grandfather GF died last summer and left his will in the hands of DP mother. She has spilt money between all family members equally, just a couple of grand each not a massive amount. She also had money from a old property. She intends to sell property and pay off the interest of her mortgage and then add a extention. All good. Myself and.DP are saving hard for a mortgage on badly paid jobs. I work shifts in the NHS and we are lucky that our shifts workaround each other so we don't have to pay for childcare. Although quality time together is rare. SO my issue is...... over the years the GF had lent DP sibling (31) 20 grand for a deposit for a business premise to which he only paid back 500/600 quid. Despite the business being successful. He also "lent" DP other sibling (40) approx 10grand for.a car. Not a penny was paid back. GF was always easily talked into things and genuinely thought the money would be repaid. There would be times when it caused arguments but as he was so lonely and desperate he would go alone with the plans. Myself and DP would try to visit at least once a week and take him to lunch or doctor appointments etc. DP was extremely close with GF and devastated when he died. The other siblings less so. My own DM died last year and I paid the entire cost of the funeral which wiped out all my savings. Anyway my AIBU is I feel resentful that myself and DP have been overlooked when we are very keen to move. I'm currently pregnant and we need a bigger house. My DP DM has just wrote off their debts and all is good. Myself and DP are hurt that she can't/won't help us out a little. Also not to drip feed but the DM also helps out considerably with sibling that has the 2 children with 3 full days of childcare. We get none as I work shifts so can work around my husband. Even thought she's retired and a little bit of help thrown our way would free up time so we can spend time as .family. it's a case of because we dont ask we don't get. Oh and when she babysits she cleans their whole house top to bottom so they don't have to pay cleaner! I guess I'm just mad as we aretb ever offered any kind of help support and it all seems very one sided. I'm prepared to be flamed and told to save up and get my own mortgage but right now I'm just fed up and feeling really sorry for our situation! Be kind folks pregnant hormones are running wild xx

MatildaTheCat Thu 11-Jan-18 09:54:52

Childcare is separate.

In view of the unpaid debts YANBU. However, sadly it sounds like a done deal so there’s nothing to be done about it unless you want to risk going to MIL and begging for help. I think you are right about some people being seen as copers.

There’s nothing to cause resentment in families like money. Try to step away, hard as it may be.

EggsonHeads Thu 11-Jan-18 09:56:55

So you've ever asked for help. Not only that but you have decided to have another child! From the outside looking it one could only assume you don't need help. If you really want to you are going to have to ask but be prepared to be turned down. From the looks of it, the other siblings only get help because they asked for it.

OliviaMansfield Thu 11-Jan-18 09:57:07

. it's a case of because we dont ask we don't get.

So ask then

Hisnamesblaine Thu 11-Jan-18 10:00:14

MIL is fully aware I paid for my mother's funeral.and knows we have zero savings. My DP brought it up in a jokey way when GF was still alive. MIL told him that there was nothing left in the pot when the 20grand was taken out. That's that then.

nutnerk Thu 11-Jan-18 10:02:58

Have you asked??? It may just be that the other sibling is just actually asking for help, whereas you are just sitting their moaning that they are not jumping to help.

I certainly wouldn't be offering money to my less well off family members because they have low paid jobs - that's a bit cheeky.

If you want help, work out exactly what you want and the terms of paying it back (or not) and ask nicely.

Myheartbelongsto Thu 11-Jan-18 10:04:51

Your mil doesn't have to give you anything. Money, help with childcare, nothing.

Hisnamesblaine Thu 11-Jan-18 10:06:55

We have asked. Where told that it would happen but was always put off then he died. He would always tell DP he would get a certain amount in the will but then he changed his will 3 months before he died as there wasn't enough cash in the pot because of the 20grand loan to BIL.

LoveProsecco Thu 11-Jan-18 10:08:53

YABVU around expecting she offers you both money. Perhaps she feels a lesson has been learned over giving her other children money which was not repaid? Perhaps she wishes her retirement was more comfortable by having savings that were given?

As for childcare perhaps she doesn't offer but feels obligated to say yes. Can you ask her to take the kids for a day or overnight? What would her response be?

I don't want to sound harsh but if you and your DP need more money can you look at progressing within your careers or negotiating better terms? Once the new baby is born what impact will that have on childcare costs? Can you move to a more affordable area where you may get a bigger property for the same cost?

SandysMam Thu 11-Jan-18 10:11:15

I really feel for you OP and I think you are totally allowed to have a quick wallow. It is bloody unfair that so many of us work so hard for so little, that house prices are so bloody high and that childcare is so expensive. It is even more unfair that some people get given money (without suffering grief from a loss etc) and that others have on hand free childcare which not only lets them to work but also allows them a night out, or the odd weekend away. I totally hear you sister!!! However...you need to find a way to accept that this is not what you have and to move on. Resentment is such a horrible feeling and will destroy you. Concentrate on what you do have and fuck the others!! Good luck with your new baby flowers

OliviaMansfield Thu 11-Jan-18 10:12:00

Are you expecting your mil to make up for the fact your dp's siblings got more money out of their gf?

charlestonchaplin Thu 11-Jan-18 10:13:07

You expect your partner's mother to enforce debts to the dead grandfather, or I suppose more correctly, his estate? It isn't clear who the official beneficiary of the GF's will was. However, don't expect a mother to jeopardise her relationship with two of her children in order to act as a unpaid debt collector for your benefit, especially as you haven't expressed any significant need for cash.

Hisnamesblaine Thu 11-Jan-18 10:15:32

She will take DS maybe once every 4/5weeks for a overnight stay if we ask. She is in her 60s.and is exhausted looking after the other kids so we don't like to ask too much. She will never say no to BIL as he is aggressive and a bully. But that's a whole other story. Anyway it seems I am being unreasonable. So u shall just suck it up and get on with life.

Mummyoflittledragon Thu 11-Jan-18 10:16:08

Get your dp to ask for a loan. £20-40k. See what your mil says. It can then be written off perhaps?

Hisnamesblaine Thu 11-Jan-18 10:19:38

She's wrote off the debts. She still has a lump sum and a property which she intends to sell in the near future. Yep being totally honest I thought she would help us out. I'm resentfu but my poor hubby is just so hurt and confused by it all. And I can't give him answers.

charlestonchaplin Thu 11-Jan-18 10:19:39

an unpaid debt collector, that should say.

OpenthePickles Thu 11-Jan-18 10:22:27

YANBU but I don't think there's anything that can be done unfortunately.

Hisnamesblaine Thu 11-Jan-18 10:24:11

LoveProsecco yep she probaby has just learnt a lesson and doesn't want to take any more hits. I can't blame her for wanting a comfortable retirement SandysMam thanks for your positive response

Fitbitironic Thu 11-Jan-18 10:25:03

I don't think yabu to feel the situation is unfair. But in reality, what would you want to happen? (The money and the childcare are two completely separate issues.)
You're going to have to suck it up whatever, so try and make peace with it by asking for more help if you need it. Although if you're around to have DC, I'm not sure why you need help?

WaggyMama Thu 11-Jan-18 10:25:18

To be blunt you both have low paid jobs, are renting and have no savings yet you have chosen to have another child.

Viviennemary Thu 11-Jan-18 10:28:55

Well her help doesn't seem very balanced. This would annoy me too. Ask her for a loan if you know she can afford it. If she says no then don't bother with her any more. Why should you put up with this. It really isn't on to treat your children in such an unfair and biased way. IMHO.

Cantspell2 Thu 11-Jan-18 10:29:02

Taking your child overnight once a month is not doing nothing for you.
If she is in her 60’s and retired then she is now on a fixed income and probably needs what she has inherited from her father to fund her own retirement. Unless you are now going to drip feed that she is well off running brand new cars and holidaying 4 times a year in the Maldives.

Piffle11 Thu 11-Jan-18 10:29:46

I feel a bit sorry for your MIL - yes you feel aggrieved, but she has 3 children and she clearly is doing her best to share things equally when it comes to money. No matter what she does, at least one of her DC will be unhappy, so she can't win. I'm not saying it doesn't stink, though. Perhaps you and DP need to speak up more, though. MIL is not a mind reader. It might not seem fair, but that's often how it goes ... we're in a similar situation, but MIL hasn't given DH and his siblings a penny - she's kept the lot (and it is A LOT!!) so it could be worse!

Hisnamesblaine Thu 11-Jan-18 10:31:20

WaggyMamma my mother died and left debts. I paid for the funeral and cleared the debts. This came put of the blue and was unexpected. My partner had to change jobs due to illness/redundancys etc. This unfortunately meant a considerable drop in wages. I work very hard in nursing doing something I enjoy and belive in. I also happen to think I make difference but maybe your right I should just be chasing the big bucks elsewere. Yes we dis choose to have another child as I wanted a sibling for my ds. Also we now know life is very short. But don't worry we will manage.

lurkingnotlurking Thu 11-Jan-18 10:32:50

I'd just accept the unfairness and chalk it up to experience. It was wrong of the others to extract large sums out of him before he died. It's good that you didn't do that to him as well. The rest is down to you

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