AIBU or Overreacting(33 Posts)
I ended things with my BF of 18 months because things weren't working out. We separated for 2 months and then ended up chatting, realised we missed each other and decided to give it another go.
When we were together before we both had an STI test and tem ditched condoms as I have a coil.
When we got back together I asked him had he been with anyone else, had he said yes we would have gone back to condoms until he had been re tested. I hadn't slept with anyone else. He said no, he hadntbee. With anyone else so we continued to have unprotected sex.
Well it turns out that at a party he received unprotected oral sex from a random girl and he since found out that this could put him at risk of an sti. He tried telling me that a mate of his had been to the same clinic as him and got mixed up results so he thought he should get 're tested just in case they had made a mistake with his results too. Obviously I didn't believe that and pressed him for the truth.
So I feel like ending things? I am going to get tested at the clinic myself next week and if I have anything it is definitely over but would I be unreasonable to end it any way because he lied and I don't trust him?
Or am I over reacting because I am hurt that he went with another woman even though I have no rights to be hurt given that we weren't together and it was me that ended It? I know that reaction is unreasonable i just thought he had more self respect than to get a BJ off some random bird he only just met and tbh I don't believe his version of events.
I don't want my unreasonable hurt feelings to cloud my judgement.
He didn't do anything wrong by receiving a BJ. He didn't lie to you as he hadn't 'Been' with anyone else. He has been deceitful and he should have told you about the BJ.
He was obviously worried about telling you the truth, is there a reason for this? Would you have agreed to get back with him if he had of told you, even though he did nothing wrong?
I’m on the fence. He was hardly gong to tell you he’s had a BJ at a party. It’s a bit “we were on a break” isn’t it?
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He knew what I meant by "be with" as we were talking of in terms of - do we need to go back to condoms or not. Which he has now put me at risk of an Sti by lying.
@Wineasaurus honestly no I probably wouldn't have gotten back with him bit that should have been my choice to make surely?
I do know he's not done anything wrong by getting the bj - that's the reason for post because I don't want my unjustified jealousy to cloud my judgement as that is my own issue.
@Quittoday one night stand or sexual contact is fine but if it is unprotected then yes I do think that lacks self respect. Not hard to use a condom. If someone will engage with you unprotected then they could also be doing it with others.
To be sure you should have used condoms when you got back together until you had STI tests again. You are responsible for your body.
YABU your boyfriends has done nothing wrong you were not together and he should not have to account for his actions when you were apart.
But realistically, who uses a condom for oral?
He didn't do anything wrong getting the bj.
He did do something wrong by not informing you he had had sexual contact that could put you at risk for an STI.
YANBU for ending it, because the only reason you need to end a relationship is that you want to end the relationship.
@BoobleMcB anyone who doesn't want to risk catching an Sti I assume?
@Idontdowindows that's exactly how I feel about it.
Of course it is your choice, but he may not count a BJ as having been with someone. I wouldn't...
I wouldn't say I know of anyone who has used a condom for a BJ tbh, unless the person they've engaging with has a known STD.
If you don't want to be with him, then don't be with him. Don't stay with him and punish him for acting like a single man when he was a single man.
Any sexual contact presents the risk of STI - OP has asked if she was at risk, he lied and said no.
She found out. He tried to lie again (mixing up results - he really expected you to fall for that?!)
OP is pissed off and quite rightly so.
He was wrong to leave it out when you asked. Obviously you wanted to know for the purpose of avoiding STDs and as a grown man he should've been fully aware that this included unprotected oral sex.
I don't understand all the shock at using condoms for oral, you can catch STDs same as with PIV so why wouldn't you protect yourself?
You summed it up perfectly, unjustified jealousy.
@Dasiystew I am surprised too, if you wouldn't have sex without A condom then you shouldn't have oral either it's just as risky.
@BlackTeaDrinker I am not arguing against that, I fully accept that he did nothing wrong as we weren't together and that my reaction to that is my problem.
Isn't he a bit old for a bj at a party?
@Figrollsnotfatrolls well I think so but I try to keep my opinion to myself, as I have been told many times on the thread, he can do as he pleases. We are both early 30s.
Which STIs could he have caught from receiving oral? Genuine question. It wouldn’t have occurred to me that a BJ put him at risk so I can understand why he didn’t include it when you spoke about it.
I’d be pissed off with the crap lie about mixing up results with a friend - that’s more embellishment than necessary and shows him to be comfortable with lying. Had he said he didn’t think a BJ counted then I’d be ok with that. As it stands, it’s up to you to decide if you can get over his stupid lie more than the BJ when you were on a break and he was free to do as he chose (and actually shouldn’t have felt obliged to tell anyone about something that was private and about which he would be judged by you for having no self respect).
All the same ones as you could catch during penetrive sex. He obviously knew the risk as he tried to make up a story to account for needing to get tested.
If he had been honest and said when asked that actually he did need to be tested then I wouldn't have asked for details and wouldn't have been able to judge him. Having lied to me though I am angry about that, angry at being put at risk and now all the feelings are getting mixed up.
SIL friend got herpes from receiving oral from a man who has herpes and had a cold sore at the time. They never had PIV sex. She has been ill with flare ups a few times since then- until she told me, I wasn't really aware of the potential to catch it from someone else's mouth. I'd guess that a lot of people might not realise?
Aside from cold sores (which you can get from kissing) are there are STDs you can catch from receiving oral sex? I know if you’re giving oral sex you put yourself at risk but surely you’re no more at risk of STDs from receiving a blow job than you are from having a snog?
You can catch any Sti from oral sex. Personally I would have assumed that the giver is more at risk than the receiver but there is still a risk.
Honestly, I think more went on than the bj but I don't feel I can ask because it's none of my business as we weren't together. But for him to be so concerned that he might have something to the extent he felt the need to lie about mixed up test results then I think he must have slept with her and passed it off as a BJ to spare my feelings. I would have been annoyed at the hypocrisy anyway as he said if he found out I went with anyone else he would kick off but it's ok for him. That is a whole other thread though and not relevant to Sti's which is my main concern.
Usually when someone gets caught out in a lie they don't offer the full truth straight away, they offer some kind of half truth that minimises the lie.
I guess what I want to hear is would be annoyed if someone lied and put you at risk of an sti?
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