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It's another MIL one...

(100 Posts)
fullofhormones11 Fri 05-Jan-18 08:41:27

I've namechanged for this as it's probably fairly outing.

Just to clarify I love my MIL. We have an incredibly close relationship and we get on great. That being said she DOES do/say things that grate on me occasionally but I guess everyone does. However,

In order to not drip feed, back when my DS was born in September we were both very poorly after labor. He had a bad infection (they think meningitis) so was on IV antibiotics for week and had to have a couple of lumbar punctures. I also had a bad infection and lost a LOT of blood and needed 2 blood transfusions. The week post birth was a bit of a blur! Baby was born on the Friday. MIL met DS as soon as visitor times were allowed on Saturday. She was due to come again on Sunday afternoon but due to me being poorly and PND (they had yet realised how poorly I was) I had a slight breakdown on DH and DM about being stuck in hospital, wanting to go home, the stress of DS being poorly etc etc. DM rang MIL and said to not come to visit and I was unwell and not fit for visitors. MIL told my mum I needed to 'get a grip' as being a Mum meant no time out.

Let it slide. I was upset DH never defended me against MIL but whatever. That week DH had to say with me in private room as I was struggling and DS needed taking for regular antibiotics. I never once was told I was doing a good job. Never once asked how I was. Instead was shoved down my throat about 'DH is so Lovely staying with you. I bet he's so tired. He's amazing' etc etc. I was too poorly to notice it at the time (and use to it 🙄)

Now whenever any of us is poorly (as small as a cold) it's 'suck it up fullofhormones, no rest when you're a Mum'. If DH gets it, it's 'oh poor DH. Having to go to work. And then come back to baby. Do you need this? I got you some tablets' etc etc. You see where I'm going. I get he is her son so she is bound to care more but sometimes I'm a bit  because more than likely I gave him the cold he's now suffering so much with.

Small things, like DS needing gaviscon upping for his reflux. She told me he didn't. Rang the drs (she works closely with them and if she rings we get it quicker) to order new script and didn't order higher dose even though I asked her too. I asked her why and she said he 'doesn't need it'

He needed his formula changing. I told her and she said 'no he doesnt'. Told her I was going to change it and she brought me 2 tubs of the normal stuff because 'he doesn't need it changing'.

These are just examples, I'll stop now as this post is already massive. However we recently had to move back in with PILs to save for a deposit, which I am soooo grateful for. They've helped us out no end. However I knew this would be hard but otherwise we would have been stuck renting. DS was in a right tizz last night after having vaccinations and he was crying a lot. We have our own lounge so we get our own space but she barged in asking what was wrong with him. I just said over DS screaming in my arms whilst swaying him round the room he was unwell. She then stood there at the door watching me trying to ask questions. FIL then appeared and they both just stood watching me trying to soothe distressed son. It really stressed me out.

I can't explain it. Writing it out now seems really silly. I know they were worried about their grandson as he normally is so quiet but something about them both staring at me trying to soothe DS really bothered me. Myself and DH eventually got him bathed and into bed but it upset me so much I cried when I got into bed 

AIBU and it's still my hormones that haven't settled or would that have annoyed anyone else? I can't understand why she's said and done a lot worse and I've let it slide because I do care a lot for her but something this small tipped me over the edge! Thanks for reading if you got this far. Sorry it's massive 

Nanny0gg Fri 05-Jan-18 08:46:37

Grate occasionally?

You need to move out as soon as you can to be your own family otherwise it's only going to get worse.

You'd be better off still renting.

CallMeOnMyCell Fri 05-Jan-18 08:49:10

She sounds bloody horrible! I feel sorry for you. Tell your DH to start backing you up and move out as soon as you can afford to.

SpringTown46 Fri 05-Jan-18 08:50:32

It's not you. It's them. And your DH needs to step up. He should have your back.

Walking into your private space and staring at you was unsupportive and, given the history, undermining and intimidating. A normal reaction from PiLs in this situation would be to knock and ask if there was anything they could do to help. And if there wasn't, then back off and out of the room.

Do you honestly think that living with them while you save up a deposit is going to work? How long do you plan for this to take? You need to have a really honest and frank conversation with your husband.

fullofhormones11 Fri 05-Jan-18 08:51:17

@Nanny0gg it makes it sound like I hate her from this thread but she does have many lovely qualities as well! We get on really well and go out the two of us often. She has more nice qualities then bad but sometimes things don't sit right with me and I dwell on it for ages. Perhaps why I needed some opinions!

I do agree though. We've only been back for a month and I'm already struggling. I don't want to ruin our relationship now as it will only get worse!

LizzieSiddal Fri 05-Jan-18 08:54:59

How long do you think you’ll have to stay with them?

ecosln Fri 05-Jan-18 08:55:18

You need to leave asap. What options do you have? Being a mum is vvv hard and you need your own space to learn, be ill and soothe your baby without this nonsense. Your dh should have stuck up for you too I can only imagine how hurt you are by that. My eldest is now 5.5 and some of the things said and done (nothing major but certainly felt that way) at the time by dh/pil still irritate me when I think about it. You are so vulnerable as a new mum. Look after yourself. Go to your parents for a while.

KimmySchmidt1 Fri 05-Jan-18 08:55:33

Why is she in your life so much? My MIL is an hour away and I see her maybe once a month.

I don't think any family would work easily being that close together - adults are not meant to live at home with their own babies. For all you know she might be pretty p1ssed off you are living with her despite being old enough to get pregnant and have a baby. You really need to move out and live like a proper adult, and your frustration with her is a symptom of that.

You are living in each other's pockets and expecting her to be a nurturing mother to you. She isn't. You can't change that. So get some distance.

fullofhormones11 Fri 05-Jan-18 08:55:46

@SpringTown46 I mentioned it to my DH last night and he snapped saying 'they were just worried about DS.' However he did text me this morning apologising and he said he could see why it bothered me. He would never confront her though. He hates upsetting her hmm

Realistically we could have a deposit by the end of the summer. That would be for the shared ownership scheme. We weren't planning on doing that originally but I think that is our best option now, before it gets too much and ruins any relationship I have with my PIL. We've been her a month and it's already causing issues so no idea what a year would do!

fullofhormones11 Fri 05-Jan-18 08:56:46

Sorry, I keep missing peoples posts! If we brought with shared ownership we could have a deposit by the end of the summer

CisCucumber Fri 05-Jan-18 08:57:00

Is this the same MIL who pushed herself into your room at the hospital?
You need to set boundaries and I'm not sure that is possible living with them
Can you put a lock on your living room door? She is treating you like a child

ijustwannadance Fri 05-Jan-18 08:58:09

Move out asap. Your mental health is more important than a deposit. Being around her with no escape or privacy is not helping you.

Your DH is a shit for not standing up to her.

You need to sort any medication or formula for your child yourself. You also need to start telling MIL to back the fuck off. She is trying to make you look like a shit mother and putting you down.

RedialCallHold Fri 05-Jan-18 08:58:56

Yes it's them, not you.
How long were you planning on living there? If it's a few months you might be able to do it (better weather over spring/summer and you'll be out the house more) but if it was years then think very very carefully about it, either you put down some ground rules which your PIL respect and your husband backs you up or you'll have to move out before you damage your mental health.

LizzieSiddal Fri 05-Jan-18 09:00:10

If it’s only until the summer and it means you’ll get your own home? Then you are best to stay there. People saying “leave now” are being a bit over dramatic.

I do have a bit of experience as I used to live next door to PIL. It was a complete nightmare but we lasted 4 years. I wouldn’t recommend that length of time, but for you OP, lasting until the summer should be ok.

I do think you need to have a few phrases ready for her. Like, if she appears say either “great can you do x, y or z for me”. OR say “Eberything is fine, can you please leave as I’m trying to settle him” if she doesn’t leave go into another room and shut the door.

You are the parent, have some confidence, you can stand up to her without falling out smile

RedialCallHold Fri 05-Jan-18 09:01:49

X post, end of summer should be ok but tell your husband he has to back you. I reported your last post as I think it's a name change fail?

fullofhormones11 Fri 05-Jan-18 09:01:50

Name change failblush

user1499333856 Fri 05-Jan-18 09:02:38

OP, you're doing a great job that is a difficult one.

We lived with my MIL when my son was first born. I'm afraid it broke the relationship completely. They were overbearing and over involved. I'm sorry to say it but I can't stand them now. It's happened but I find it impossible to want anything to do with them.

This is your baby. You order the prescription. You decide what they eat. All these things are your responsibility and also your privilege to control, as the mother. Do not allow anyone to encroach on that, your marriage and your privacy. Remove the baby to a private room if you need to.

Really think about moving out. You get this time once.

fullofhormones11 Fri 05-Jan-18 09:06:20

@LizzieSiddal it would take a year or so to get a full deposit. Which is why I looked into shared ownership, if we brought 75% we could probably have a deposit by the summer and then buy the rest a year or so later. It wasn't our original plan but I don't think I could last much longer!

MIL use to expect to see us every few days when we lived away. If we didn't and DH didn't ring she wouldn't speak to him for a few more days as she was annoyed. She keeps saying we need to buy in the same village as her but I've told her we're looking elsewhere!

fullofhormones11 Fri 05-Jan-18 09:07:36

@RedialCallHold thank you! blush I think I could probably last the summer. As long as DH backs me up more. I think that could be a main issue here, it's like a kick in the teeth every time he doesn't. Sometimes feels like it's them vs me!

fullofhormones11 Fri 05-Jan-18 09:08:57

@RedialCallHold oh ffs. I'm awful at this name changing business 😂😂😂

LizzieSiddal Fri 05-Jan-18 09:10:30

Oh god you’re too hot don’t live in the sane village. We moved an hour away so it was too far just to “pop in”.

fullofhormones11 Fri 05-Jan-18 09:11:52

@CisCucumber I can't imagine DH would entertain the idea about putting a lock on the door. He knows this would upset his DM, and he tries to avoid that at all cost!

LizzieSiddal Fri 05-Jan-18 09:18:15

Is he afraid of his parents? (Mine was and didn’t realise how awful his childhood was until I got him to talk about it)

If youre only there for the summer then tell dh you think you can get through it but you NEED him to support you. He will need you to point out how and what you want him to do, as it probably doesn’t occur to him that he can go against his parents sad

fullofhormones11 Fri 05-Jan-18 09:18:19

@user1499333856 thank you so much. I'm in two minds weather to show this thread to DH. He knows everything I've said here and maybe hearing it from other people will help? I know he doesn't like upsetting his Mum, and I understand that. But sometimes it'd be nice for a bit of support!

pictish Fri 05-Jan-18 09:19:17

I think she loves her son more than she cares for you, which is normal.
I think you're in far too close proximity living with them so the boundaries have got blurred as to when it's okay for mil to interfere in your decisions and opinionate on how you do things.
I think the situation would be remedied by moving out.

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