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AIBU “asking my son to leave? Plz help!

(208 Posts)
Pandamanda3 Thu 04-Jan-18 12:53:08

Please can anybody help me ? I’m desperate.
My backstory first, my ex h was arrested 3 yrs ago for DV, we are now divorced, iv been through the worst divorce and was left with huge debts, so its killed me to stay afloat since.

My younger ds has learning diff and autism, but over years has made huge improvements he is now 18.
We’ve always been close, for most of his life I have been his 24/7 carer, he still has relationship with his dad who very controlling over him, both my boys struggled after dh left but youngest the most, he just went into fits of rage, so cutting story short I killed myself to get him counselling therapy for a year or more 2/3 times a week funded by me as dad wasn’t interested, but it really helped. He seemed a lot better. But over the last 12 months his aggression has grown & grown towards both myself & my eldest son , mainly me.
I suffer serious health issues and really haven’t been well, he knows this, he’s very demanding of my attention and his dad seems to just get the good side of him with the troubled side left to me.
He started to sort of emulate my ex dh controlling intimidating behaviours and I know now I failed there as I gave in to him forgave him and it’s now just grown to a sense of entitlement over me.
I tried with ever ounce of my soul to love and support him the best I could thinking that getting out of my marriage & showing him a normal loving fearless home Would be better.
Things have escalated and he took off the other morning at me, after I got up at 6am to prep his lunch for work, he then just took off and left for work. He works with his father another long story.
But he’d got the day wrong despite my telling him I didn’t think dad re-opened until today.
So He had to make his way home, but was pissed I didn’t go to pick him up. I instead paid the taxi as I wasn’t great especially after his morning outburst on me.
That afternoon he’s getting ready to go out with my eldest when he erupts again I’m in the firing line, I don’t even recall why? But in a nut shell he threatened to kill me, really threatened called me all sorts of painful things I just can’t forget then my elder son gets involved to try to stop him going at me, after an hour of abuse he left with my son I just wanted him out, after which I just fell to the floor in a heap devastated, I felt numb I couldn’t understand why he hated me so much.
On his return he stayed in his room silence until yesterday Evening.
I’d gone to bed just feeling so poorly and drained & he’d been out at the gym with eldest.
Suddenly at 10.30 I’m woken by my eldest screaming for me to get up. He said they had gotten into a fight which resulted in him attacking my eldest, he told him he only speaks to him to use him for what he’s good for?
Soon after in walks younger one and they start up again, then he turns to me in my face and started again at me he wants to kill me I’m a bitch he hates me etc etc he’s waving his hands in my face I’m pinned to the wall with him towering over me. Just like his father exactly like his father.
He turned to my eldest and said “that’s what you do! how you deal with her” that’s what she needs the fuckin bitch. To get told.
I told him iv had enough I’m selling house he’s going to live with his father as he hates me so much. Something I never thought I’d ever say.
He refused with “this is my fuckin house and I’ll stay were I want! You C...

I have no contact with his father, and he will do anything he can to ruin my life so I can’t go to him, I also know he can’t survive alone due to difficulties and I just feel trapped and honestly do not know what to do?
Can anybody advise? I feel completely broken I don’t have anybody else to turn to,his family was my family and they turned on me when I divorced him and got the police. My parents live miles away, they say he’s got to go before he hurts me.
I feel like such a bad person wanting him to leave but I know I’m going through the same nightmare again I had with ex.
18 years it took me to wake up & leave and now it’s as if my son has taken his place.
Please be gentle I’m honestly at breaking point and have no we’re to turn.
Sorry for long story.

saladdays66 Thu 04-Jan-18 12:55:46

Police. Now. Have him arrested. Sounds like he's copying his father but he needs to know how unacceptable this is.

Can he live with his father?

Feilin Thu 04-Jan-18 12:56:37

Ring womens aid and ring the police .

BulletFox Thu 04-Jan-18 12:59:20

I'm so sorry.

He needs to leave, immediately. If he can't behave he can't stay.

IrkThePurist Thu 04-Jan-18 12:59:26

You are not being unreasonable, he is. You need help dealing with this. Ring the police now, then contact Womens Aid.

Situp Thu 04-Jan-18 12:59:39

he may be your son but you shouldn't have to live in an abusive relationship and this is what this is.

contact the police. You need help in RL OP x

Partypopper123 Thu 04-Jan-18 13:01:22

I think you know the answer. He needs to leave either with the Police or of his own accord to live with his dad.

EatTheChocolateTeapot Thu 04-Jan-18 13:02:21

How long has he been working with his dad for? Does that more or lessfits withthe 12 months?
It is not acceptable how he has treated you, if he has a job, he should be able to support himself?

Cantuccit Thu 04-Jan-18 13:02:24

Oh god how awful flowers

I was so angry reading that on your behalf.

I agree. Call the police. He needs a sharp lesson on what happens to males who abuse women.

And when you've called the police, change the locks, pack his bags and dump them outside.

This abusive bastard doesn't deserve even an inch of aoqce in your home.

Even if ex is conditioning him, that's not your fault. He leaves, now.

Cantuccit Thu 04-Jan-18 13:02:53

*inch of space

Maxbenji Thu 04-Jan-18 13:03:28

Your son has watched his father do this and has picked it up as how it works, with autism he might not be able to understand why it's wrong. I know you said counselling helped, but being back seeing his father and effectively learning from him every day at work won't help.
Do what others have said and get the police involved.
Change the locks and don't give him a key. Get your oldest son on your side and don't let him in.
They can still meet (if he wants to) but outside the house, somewhere neutral.
Police and social services will have to get involved and help, they can't leave a vulnerable adult to their own devices. They can inform his father and get him involved.
Sending hugs

Nctothisfornow Thu 04-Jan-18 13:07:36

Yanbu. He needs to leave. You have done everything and more to try and help him but you cannot continue trying when there is a serious risk to yourself.
Contact the police and womens aid.
As hard as this may feel for you, it really needs to be done.

Social services can help with your son if he needs extra care and support. You are not in a position to be the carer anymore as this is turning dangerous for you

GlitterGlue Thu 04-Jan-18 13:09:29

The only thing you can do is what's suggested upthread and call the police and women's aid. Don't have him back in the house. It will only continue to escalate until he does seriously injure (or kill) you or his brother.

loveulotslikejellytots Thu 04-Jan-18 13:11:12

I don't usually post on these threads because I have no experience. But I got so angry reading that! How dare he feel he can intimidate you like that in your own home. I know his difficulties don't make it as simple, but show him the fucking door.

Pack his stuff and change the locks. See how much of a big man he is without having his mum to rely on to provide a roof over his head. Maybe he will go and live with his dad? But either way, call his bluff, take the power back, no empty threats or any threats at all.

Chuck him out! Show him you won't be intimidated or belittled in your own home, no one gets to treat you like that!

RunningOutOfCharge Thu 04-Jan-18 13:13:54

I agree with police

They will actually help. Youth off being team can get involved. They were great when I went through similiar with one of my teens

horatioisabrick Thu 04-Jan-18 13:17:39

He has now attacked you more than once, threatened to kill you repeatedly, is using extremely violent and sexist and doesn't seem to resect you at all / is even unable to comprehen that you are actually able to sell the house / own property.

He has also been in a fight with your older son...

Call the police. It's imo only a question of "when" and not "if" he attacks you or someone else again.

Btw, what was your older son doing? When he was cornering you, screaming in your face, calling you a cunt etc?

horatioisabrick Thu 04-Jan-18 13:18:54

But no. You're not a bad person for wanting him to leave.

Not at all.


Please call the police. It sounds like you're in genuine danger.

cathycake Thu 04-Jan-18 13:20:09

Sounds horrendous!
Can you ask other son to text dad to say that he needs to move out or the police will get involved to remove him?

So sorry op

Thedietstartsnow Thu 04-Jan-18 13:20:21

Police now

littlebird55 Thu 04-Jan-18 13:20:24

I am sorry you have been through this....words fail me, but you need support right now.

Call the police and tell them what you have told us. Pack his bag and
call his father and have him removed on a permanent basis.

Change the locks and remind yourself he is a grown man and has turned into an abuser.

No excuses, because unless you are firm now you have potentially decades of more abuse and an escalating problem.

Women aid will provide emotional support. Good luck.

WinnieFosterTether Thu 04-Jan-18 13:23:43

I agree with all the advice above. I'd also suggest you get counselling as it doesn't sound as though you have processed the emotional fall-out of living in an abusive relationship for years. Your boundaries are poor and you're falling into a pattern of being a victim and feeling powerless.
To be clear, your DS is victimising you but you aren't powerless and you can enforce strong boundaries by calling the police, putting him out, etc. You need more confidence in your own decisions and counselling could help with that. flowers

DevilTree Thu 04-Jan-18 13:24:54

I would call the police, have him removed, change the locks, pack his bags and drop them round to his father's. Nobody, but NOBODY! has the right to treat you like that, whether they came out of your womb or not.

BulletFox Thu 04-Jan-18 13:26:31

How are you getting on, Panda?

WindowWiper Thu 04-Jan-18 13:30:33

This is so awful, you poor soul. You've done your best and then some.
Call it a day now and get the police involved.
It's not a good household for anyone to live in when there is such
terrible abuse, op.
Time to look out for yourself now, you know you need help to do that so
start the ball rolling today and ring the police.


BewareOfDragons Thu 04-Jan-18 13:31:35

Call the police. Call women's aid. Have him arrested and get him out. Pack his things. He's a grown up; let him sort himself out. You have done all you can.

He will kill you if you don't get him out of there.

Make the calls!

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