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To be fuming with my controlling BIL?

(239 Posts)
LaurieF Fri 29-Dec-17 17:48:59

Sorry this may be a long one but don't want to drop feed!

DSIL AND DBIL have no kids of their own. They have always done lots with our kids, cinema trips, days out, weeks away etc. strange thing is that everything has to be a massive surprise and we are never allowed to tell the kids where they are taking them. I once told them by accident as I didn't realise it was meant to be a secret. BIL kicked off saying I spoilt the night etc.

Fast forward to last Friday and the kids let slip that BIL had told them what their big Xmas pressie was. I wasn't too happy. They were due to take them to the cinema (as a surprise of course) Friday night. When they arrived to pick them up I asked BIL if he has told them about their present. He went pretty nuclear, hurt that I would think that etc. I've had the same story from.both kids in separate rooms so know they aren't lying. He then turned round to kids told then he had booked cinema tickets and wouldn't be taking them anywhere, shouted at them, and walked out. DD (8) sobbed for an hour, DS (13) sat in his room and wouldn't come out.

Xmas day they usually come to us for presents. DH got a phone call at 10am telling him they weren't coming but he was invited to go to them for the morning as long as "she" ie me... wasn't coming too. Both kids refused to go without me so we again invited them to us. DSIL came alone and left in tears as BIL had said he wasnt willing to ever see his neice and nephew ever again.

So now MIL also hates me because she has only heard his side of this, DH has asked me not to bring it up with his mum again because she will get upset, DSIL has no chance to see the kids and I am the complete villain of the piece

AIBU to be absolutely fuming still???

And a little thankyou to anyone who read the whole essay!!!

LaurieF Fri 29-Dec-17 17:50:26

Meant to add - he is very controlling towards SIL. And I believe the whole secret thing with the kids is a method of control too. Personally think he has never been called out on anything before and has decided to cut me out of the family!!

TrojansAreSmegheads Fri 29-Dec-17 17:51:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Capelin Fri 29-Dec-17 17:52:14

BIL sounds like a nightmare. He’s saying he never wants to see them again?!

What does DH say? He needs to sort this out with his brother and mother.

Spadequeen Fri 29-Dec-17 17:54:11

Tossed. I’d be telling them alll exactly what I thought of the situation your dh included. How dare he behave like that

CalpolandCoke Fri 29-Dec-17 17:54:41

What Trojan said...

LagunaBubbles Fri 29-Dec-17 17:55:12

Your children will be better off without him in their lives long term. But of course things must be talked about, it doesn't matter if it will "upset" MIL, some things are upsetting, doesn't your DH care you and your children are upset?

Lymmmummy Fri 29-Dec-17 17:55:50

My SIL and BIL have NEVER shown the slightest interest in our DC - SIL is DH sisters his only sibling and our kids are her only niece and nephew and in fact her only younger relatives in the whole world - count yourself v lucky they do stuff with your kids - perhaps BIL is a touch controlling

Why not get DH or yourself to explain to MIL your side of the story and that you are v grateful for all their efforts with your DC but perhaps they don’t understand the impact some of their actions have on your DC

LaContessaDiPlump Fri 29-Dec-17 17:56:06

Wow. He is massively over-reacting, esp as you did nothing wrong! The rest of the family are completely in his thrall too, sounds like sad

Don't l

LaurieF Fri 29-Dec-17 17:56:44

Yes he says he wants nothing to do with them. Even cancelled the holiday in August that they wanted to take them on. To be honest the kids are still saying a week later that they don't want to see him.

LaContessaDiPlump Fri 29-Dec-17 17:56:44

Whoops! Don't let them go out with him again, he's clearly a right nutjob.

KimmySchmidt1 Fri 29-Dec-17 17:57:03

They are way too invested in your kids. Just stay away from them, they're really weird. Especially BIL.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Fri 29-Dec-17 17:57:38

He sounds HORRIBLE

As sad as it is I think the kids are better off taking a step back from this very wierd and controlling man

Clearly you will need to have a nerve of steel here and someone navigate a family fall out

Good bloody luck sad

FlawlessFuckup Fri 29-Dec-17 17:58:43

He’s acting bizarrely.
Is there any more to it?!
Why did he tell them what the present was, did the kids say?

hmmmmm Fri 29-Dec-17 17:59:29

I'd be worried about someone so unhinged taking my dcs away. It wouldn't have happened.

FlawlessFuckup Fri 29-Dec-17 17:59:54

Also, WTAF at inviting everyone but you over for Christmas?!?!
Why is no one else calling him out on that? Appalling behaviour.

fuzzywuzzy Fri 29-Dec-17 17:59:57

I wouldn’t want anyone having the ability to cause so much upset or my dc.

And what’s with trying to leave our the mother of the children on Christmas Day? The kids aren’t toys to pick up and put down when it takes his fancy.

He sounds odd and very controlling and not someone I would want able to influence my children

LaContessaDiPlump Fri 29-Dec-17 18:01:12

Is it possible to pass along the message that the kids don't want to see him either after he behaved in such a childish and unreasonable way? Not that I'm sure it would be the best approach, but I'd be very tempted....

LaurieF Fri 29-Dec-17 18:01:23

@flawlessfuckup I honestly think it just slipped out and he is mad that I know. As mental as he is I can't imagine him spoiling the kids Christmas on purpose? That's why I can't understand why his reaction was SO over the top! I'm guessing MIL doesn't know how much he upset the kids as she is usually very protective of them.

DH just wants to draw a line under it and carry on as normal but I'm still so upset that his mum doesn't know the full story of what happened. Although I imagine even if she did she would never take my side sad

hmmmmm Fri 29-Dec-17 18:01:28

So BIL told them what the gift from you was? shock

Soubriquet Fri 29-Dec-17 18:02:18

Everything has to be on his terms doesn't it?

I think you're better off without him. Invite your SIL round every now and then so she can still see them but cut contact with your BIL until he grows up and acts like an adult.

Let your dh deal with your MIL

Smitff Fri 29-Dec-17 18:02:23

Wow. I feel for your SIL married to a man like that.

LaurieF Fri 29-Dec-17 18:02:55

@contessa DH called him back Xmas morning after the kids said they didn't want to see him and told him that! That's when he kicked off and said he didn't want anything to do with them anymore x

yummumto3girls Fri 29-Dec-17 18:03:50

Agree, he sounds very over invested in your kids, and is severely over reacting. There has to be more to this otherwise they really are better of without him!

WhooooAmI24601 Fri 29-Dec-17 18:03:50

He's an absolute arsehole so probably shouldn't be allowed too much contact with your DCs anyhow. I know it's not easy to put into perspective for your DC but simply say that it's not their fault that BIL is acting rudely and remind them that sometimes adults behave badly and make shitty choices.

YANBU to be furious; how you've put up with his theatrics this far is beyond me.

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