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To think I can radically change my behaviour?

(31 Posts)
DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy Fri 29-Dec-17 16:01:34

I think someone else posted something along these lines recently, but I'm not sure there was a clear conclusion. FWIW...

I consider myself a fairly nice and decent person - I've been in the same job for YONKS, never had any real disagreements with anyone. I make a big effort to be kind and respectful to everyone offering me a service, in shops, doctors etc. (Although I can be shirty if they don't return the favour, I suppose.)

But I am so crap and critical of my DH. I love him very much, and am very kind and loving to him 80% of the time.) But when he annoys me, I just snap. I regret it a second or two later, and usually apologise, but then it's too late. I have yelled at him, thrown things at him in the past, and I am so ashamed. (But it's been a long time since I threw anything.)

I think it's probably because I suffer from anxiety, and there's just this rage very close to the surface, ever since I became a Mum. So if I hurt myself accidentally, I yell ridiculously loudly as well. I'm mostly fairly patient with DS, and very very tolerant and kind with him, but I've seen him cringing when he drops something, as if he's expecting me to shout at him. Which devastates me.

Has anyone else been like this and changed? Other than working on my anxiety, what can I do to be better?

Please be gentle with me.

IrkThePurist Fri 29-Dec-17 16:04:40

Thats something you can change. You could ask your GP if there are any anger management classes they can send you to, of google for them.
Remember, change doesnt happen overnight, or by waving a magic wand; its a process of learning.

DeadGood Fri 29-Dec-17 16:10:06

I have had that feeling when a volcanic rage just erupts, seemingly out of nowhere.
I suggest you post elsewhere, maybe mental health or even chat, as it can be so brutal here - but in the meantime, I’d start by trying to identify your emotions. Chances are, when you snap, you were already feeling tense, you just didn’t allow yourself to recognise it.
By identifying your moods, you can moderate them better, and also simply say to your husband “I’m feeling wound up at the minute” so he can either put a —glass of wine— cup of tea in your hand, or at least know to give you space and help.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy Fri 29-Dec-17 16:16:44

Thanks, I've had some counselling for stress levels, which did help, but anger management classes I've not been able to find easily.

One of the things that's tricky is that DH, lovely though he is, isn't good a picking up on things like that - he doesn't read social signals that well, and if I, say, mouth to him "not in front of the children" or "not in front of my mum", he'll just say really loudly, "why are you mouthing at me??".

pitterpatterrain Fri 29-Dec-17 16:20:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy Fri 29-Dec-17 16:26:44

I had never heard of DBT before - just looked it up now. Mindfulness hasn't made a difference hugely, but relaxation tapes for anxiety have helped quite a bit. What is the workbook you found, if you don't mind my asking?

ScabbyHorse Fri 29-Dec-17 16:27:29

I've been like this in the past, still am sometimes. Therapy helped, and has made
me able to label my emotions as they arise. I was a people pleaser who actually felt huge resentment and anger without realising it.

mummmy2017 Fri 29-Dec-17 16:41:08

Use the go the loo...
When you start to shout go to the loo.
Even if you don't need it, sit down and wait count to 300.
then start again,

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy Fri 29-Dec-17 16:41:08

ScabbyHorse, I think I might be a people pleaser. That's really weird, I never thought I was. I have been trying to put myself first to improve my health recently, and I wonder if that's what has improved things slightly. It seems illogical to me, but I think that might be the key. It goes against the grain though!

EggNoggLove Fri 29-Dec-17 16:47:19

Following with interest.
I'm a bit like this too.

EggNoggLove Fri 29-Dec-17 16:48:51

How did you pick your therapist scabbyhorse?

ScabbyHorse Fri 29-Dec-17 16:53:20

Very interesting- I think putting yourself first is really important in your case- as it sounds as if you are a giver and need to remember to value your own needs as highly as others'.
I also was a thrower and shouter and felt enormous guilt about it. I think it stemmed from a fear of repercussions if I expressed my needs in any relationship. I'm still working on it am by no means 'cured'!

ScabbyHorse Fri 29-Dec-17 16:58:32

I went with an experienced psychotherapist who also did a bit of CBT

Tinselistacky Fri 29-Dec-17 17:01:42

Do you take B complex tablets? I call them my anti bitch pills. I am like you op, my dh has at his own conclusion some undiagnosis issues with memory /comprehension /common sense and is very child- like in some circumstances - it can be very frustrating and I have a short fuse at times. Leaving the room helps me, take a breath and go back to him. Wanting things /life to be perfect does put pressure on situations I feel.

Loonoonow Fri 29-Dec-17 17:05:53

I used to do couples counselling and this was a situation which often arose when one partner took out all the anger and frustration in their lives on their partner. There are lots of ways of working with it but if you can get to an organisation called Marriage Care (who I initially trained with). They train their counsellors in a model called Emotionally Focussed Therapy and I have seen it have fantastic results in this sort of situation.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy Fri 29-Dec-17 17:07:02

Tinsel our DHs sound really similar, and I think that's part of the problem - it's clear to everyone that, nice though he is, he's also quite annoying, and sometimes I feel like that emboldens me to be a cranky old cow to him.

I own a big bottle of Vit B, but never remember to take them. That's me all over, to be frank.

Poll5sue147 Fri 29-Dec-17 17:08:51

Deep breaths and a relaxing oil on a tissue helps.

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy Fri 29-Dec-17 17:46:30

Thanks, Poll, I'm very influenced by essential oils, in fact. I just get cross too quickly to grab the hanky.

Givemecoffeeplease Fri 29-Dec-17 18:17:25

Thank you so much for posting this. It is me exactly. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone. I want to change too. I have to if I want my marriage to survive.

timshortfforthalia Fri 29-Dec-17 18:25:56

You can definitely change this behavior. You recognize it in yourself and want to change it, that's the main thing.

Cbt is ace and had helped me with a lot of things, but I think an even easier suggestion would be to find some kind of exercise you like enough to do lots. It's really easy to overtime these things, try to find a rational solution, but honestly, a good workout might well just fix everything.

I have huge stress and anxiety issues. The biggest release for me is bikram yoga. It's like a switch that turns me from evil to lovely and lasts a couple of days. Running also really helps, but it's just a matter of finding something that suits you.

I have also used hypnosis. Andrew Johnson relax app/mp3 is especially effective.

timshortfforthalia Fri 29-Dec-17 18:26:23

Overthink not overtime

DoAsYouWouldBeMumBy Fri 29-Dec-17 19:03:54

I'd love to do some CBT, I should look into it.

Really interesting you mention exercise - I have started working out the past couple of months, and I wonder if that's why there's been a bit of an improvement. But being me, I keep cutting the sessions short so I can do housework, make supper etc. Well, there's an easy NY resolution. I'm already going to the gym, maybe I just need to stay there a bit longer.

Folks, I'm so grateful to you for this kind, considered advice. And for the empathy.

KiteMarked Fri 29-Dec-17 19:05:36

Mindfulness/meditation. I used to have such a short fuse and I hated it about myself. Daily meditation has helped me enormously. I can't live without it.

timshortfforthalia Fri 29-Dec-17 19:16:55

You sound really self aware and open to ideas, you will do in great!

Most of the time I'm motivated enough to do exercise, but if I ever need a kick up my bum, I remember I'm doing this for my kids. I hate the shame I feel after I've lost it, and I feel so grateful that I've found a way to fix it

BeakyPlinder Fri 29-Dec-17 19:36:55

I feel like this too, I am definitely a people pleaser and don't put my needs first ever. Which means I often build up alot of resentment and anger which bubbles away until I blow at something stupid. My DH is a truly kind and wonderful man but also really quite annoying which is usually my trigger. I find exercise helps, even if it's just a long walk with the dog. This post has motivated me to look up meditation. Good luck OP xx

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