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Son still sleeps with mother

(118 Posts)
AIBUfan Tue 26-Dec-17 18:49:46

AIBU to think that (a) it's creepy that my OH's son still sleeps with his mother at 9 years old; (b) that my OH puts up with son and mother sleeping at his house, and I have to vacate.

Background history - OH's son's mother abducted him from the UK when he was very young. She will not allow her son to visit his father on his own.

OH "whispers" when on the phone to me whilst son and mother are there. The situation is delicate, as he has court orders in the UK giving him 50% custody, but they are not enforceable in the jurisdiction where his son's mother lives.

There are all sorts of issues arising from this, but one I cannot deal with is that the mother feels entitled to sleep in my OH's house (her son should of course sleep there, but why should she??); and that my OH's parents pay for her flights.


Capelin Wed 27-Dec-17 07:05:45

But in that case, why would the answers be different? It’s the same situation. I don’t understand confused

Foodylicious Wed 27-Dec-17 07:12:40

Cosleeping aside, it sounds like there is a 9 year old boy who does not see his son often.
It would be unusual for a 9 year old to travel and/ or stay on their own.
Yes his Dad is his Dad, but he might not really know him iyswim?
Does son really know about you? Could that be why you do not stay when he us there?
Also? Sorry if i missed it up thread, but who normally lives in the home fill time?
Just OH, the two of You? His folks?

AIBUfan Wed 27-Dec-17 07:15:45

@Foodylicious - me and OH live in the home full time. I have never met his son, I would like to one day, but only when the time is right for him. I wouldn't mind leaving the home at all to give space to son and OH, but the reason for leaving is due to the ex.

Perhaps aibu regarding travel, but I know plenty of people whose children have travelled alone (on flights only, and obviously with airline staff supervision / companions).

AIBUfan Wed 27-Dec-17 07:18:04

@ohFucko - agreed - he has of course tried, in both jurisdictions. In the foreign country, he has been advised it could take years to reach any conclusion / resolution, and so he decided to suck it up and see his son when the ex allows it, rather than fight for years and not see his son at all during that time.

yippyyappy Wed 27-Dec-17 07:23:32

No way in hell would I let my da travel internationally alone at 9. I don't care if others do.

yippyyappy Wed 27-Dec-17 07:23:40


Foodylicious Wed 27-Dec-17 07:26:20

No disrespect meant, but not sure if he is having you on te custody not being enforceable.
If she had been proven in a court of law (uk) to have abducted him I find it unlikely that she would be able to keep taking him out of the country.
Or is she not abducting him again every time she does this?

AIBUfan Wed 27-Dec-17 07:28:27

@Foodylicious - technically, yes. The custody order from UK isn't enforceable in the jurisdiction his son is in - or, it could be, but it would take years to enforce it.

AIBUfan Wed 27-Dec-17 07:29:21

@Foodylicious - there are many court orders against the ex!

MistressDeeCee Wed 27-Dec-17 07:30:04

If my man's ex was sleeping round his, I'd bail out of the relationship. I'm not interested in that kind of relationship dynamic. I wouldn't analyse it - I'd be gone. Coupled with the rest you've described - just too much hassle. 1 man surely can't be worth all this

Pigglesworth Wed 27-Dec-17 07:30:15

I think YANBU OP, it sounds like a very odd set-up.

PolarBearGoingSomewhere Wed 27-Dec-17 07:36:52

I slept in my mum's bed when went away on business until I left home! She's my mum ffs

However that really isn't the issue is it?

MistressDeeCee Wed 27-Dec-17 07:38:58

& since you live together - where do you go when she comes to UK? Whenever it is - a suggestion would be for you to stay there for a bit whilst seeking your own home.

Are you sure your man's divorced? & I think he's having you on about the custody issue and travel arrangements. Huge elaborate stories to justify you being a secret, and having to hide whenever "ex" is around.

How long are you prepared to do that for? & why? I don't get it.

Tinkerbec Wed 27-Dec-17 07:42:50

My 9 year old daughter sleeps in with her Dad as she gets scared staying at his flat. Sometimes bunking has to be done. Totally normal.

However the main issue is not this as others have said.

Whay country is it? Then posters may be able to helo you. If he has 50 50 in Uk and had been done for abduction surely there is grounds for him to be the resident parent?
Not simply allow her to travel to another country and make it all on her terms.
Unless there is a major part missing this does not make any sense at all.

shhhfastasleep Wed 27-Dec-17 07:44:44

Very confused and you don't seem to get much clearer as to whose family Home it is.
Incidentally, do you live in his house or is the place you live owned by both of you? If you aren't married and don't have a legal agreement in place, he could turf you out at a moment's notice.

Tinkerbec Wed 27-Dec-17 07:46:12

If she had been proven in a court of law (uk) to have abducted him I find it unlikely that she would be able to keep taking him out of the country.
Or is she not abducting him again every time she does this?

Exactly! Surely this would flag up somewhere. Well you would hope so in views of child safeguarding.

Tipsntoes Wed 27-Dec-17 07:49:17

I agree I don't think you're hearing the whole (or true) story.

If she's previously abducted him, she wouldn't risk bringing him back because she wouldn't be able to leave with him again.

The court order might not be enforceable in her country but they're currently in UK, what steps is DP taking?

ARudeAwakening Wed 27-Dec-17 07:53:48

The co-sleeping is a non issue, just drop it.

You having to leave your home because of her is ridiculous though. I wouldn't do it.

When they arrive, can he not put his foot down and refuse to let his son leave? He does have joint custody after all! I know this could be seen as essentially abducting his own child but she did it too...? I don't know if that's the right thing to do but just an idea.

He really needs to get better legal advice!

AIBUfan Wed 27-Dec-17 07:56:10

Of course he could do the same - however his son is at school, has friends, his life etc already established - so I think OH would not choose to deliberately turn his son's life upside down by being as callous as his son's mother has been.

It may that she thinks OH would do the same, and that would explain why she won't let their son stay with OH on his own?

ARudeAwakening Wed 27-Dec-17 07:59:55

Yes that could be the reason.
And good point...

I would still put your foot down about leaving your own home but perhaps just go out with friends / to the gym / pub etc a lot to give them space... don't let her have the expectation of you bending backwards so much for her or she'll expect it forever.

LML83 Wed 27-Dec-17 08:03:50

Sounds like your OH has to do what we says as you have said so this is one of those things. It is a lot to ask you to move out while they are there but sounds like he can't argue with ex. It's not fair but he wants he to come back.

What would you ideal scenario be? mum drops kid off and goes to hotel? I don't think that is best for ds who doesn't get to see dad often.

Most 9 year olds I know don't sleep in parents bed. But I don't think it is creepy. Just because they sleep in the same bed when away doesn't mean that is always the case. Would your OH have 2 spare rooms to allow them to sleep separately anyway?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat Wed 27-Dec-17 08:09:37

Um, you do realise he has a wife and family overseas and you’re the bit on the side, right? Why do you think you’ve never met the kid? I’ll wager the only person sleeping with the “ex” is your “D”P.

Tipsntoes Wed 27-Dec-17 08:09:38

Is your real concern that mum and son aren't really co-sleeping but that Mum and DP might be?

shhhfastasleep Wed 27-Dec-17 08:10:38

Op never visits there (wherever there is). Her Oh has two properties- one here - which op appears to have no rights to - and one there where his son and the son's mother live. Son never visits UK since his Mum took him.
Alarm bells ringing for me all over this.
Is the son a British citizen?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Wed 27-Dec-17 08:15:09

I think that it is true that bringing back a child that has been abducted can take years in court. But there is something that doesn’t make sense in what he is telling you: if he has an order, and the child is abducted and he makes the court Seattle of that, the parent who abducted the child will be arrested at the airport on return. He has not chosen to do this.

Normally court battles are extremely costly, not only on the financial side but the emotional side. I really find it very difficult to believe that they have had such a bitter battle and still can find themselves together under the same roof... ANY roof.

I think he is having you on this. It is much easier to say your evil ex doesn’t allow you to see the kids than explaining to the world you are actually not such a good parent. I think the whispering is because he wants to keep you to his side of the story or because he is saying nasty things about her and in both cases it is perfectly reasonable to whisper if she is around.

I understand that thing of not wanting to introduce new partners when the new one has been the OW but after all these years divorced, that doesn’t make sense either as it is perfectly reasonable for him and her to have moved on and have some well established relationships. Why does he has to ask you to move out while they are here? Why he doesn’t want his son to know about it? I doubt very much that living his life abroad he has any hopes that his parents can make up and end up together again. In that your partner is being very unreasonable and disrespectful.

There is one thing that is true of children rom previous relationships: They don’t go away. You can manipulate stuff around to ensure your OH has contact or no contact in your terms but that will break him inside as he will still be missing his kid. You can choose to accept the situation and play along considering contact is extremely sporadic or you can choose to end it and find another person with less baggage or more courage to make things right for his child, yourself and everyone involved.

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