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Son still sleeps with mother

(118 Posts)
AIBUfan Tue 26-Dec-17 18:49:46

AIBU to think that (a) it's creepy that my OH's son still sleeps with his mother at 9 years old; (b) that my OH puts up with son and mother sleeping at his house, and I have to vacate.

Background history - OH's son's mother abducted him from the UK when he was very young. She will not allow her son to visit his father on his own.

OH "whispers" when on the phone to me whilst son and mother are there. The situation is delicate, as he has court orders in the UK giving him 50% custody, but they are not enforceable in the jurisdiction where his son's mother lives.

There are all sorts of issues arising from this, but one I cannot deal with is that the mother feels entitled to sleep in my OH's house (her son should of course sleep there, but why should she??); and that my OH's parents pay for her flights.

AIBU???

Tringley Tue 26-Dec-17 23:19:17

But it is a bit odd that one parent can't seem to trust the other parent to be able to parent well enough without sleeping over to supervise.

How is that odd? I never allow my young son to be unsupervised with his father. He's an ex-alcoholic-current-drug addict who can't be trusted to not pass out in the middle of the day or drive while intoxicated. I allow him to visit at our house or I take DS to his house, mainly for DS to see his extended paternal family, and I stay with him at all times. A situation that's not that unusual tbh. I know plenty of separated parents with sole custody or parents who stay in a relationship because it's the only way to ensure their child will never be left alone with the other parent (for damn good reason).

notaflyingmonkey Tue 26-Dec-17 23:26:52

How much of this do you really know, and how much of it has been told to you by your OH? I do wonder if the whispering on the phone when they are they might be down to the wife not knowing about you? And that one explaination for the wife feeling entitled to sleep there is because she is the wife?

LolitaLempicka Tue 26-Dec-17 23:31:28

Son sleeps with his mother? No not at all creepy.
Son and his mother stay with son's father? Nice, because they are, and always will be, connected. They made a family together and both love their son.
Partner's parents pay for their grandson and his mother to visit? None of your fucking business.
You sound very bitter.

LolitaLempicka Tue 26-Dec-17 23:37:30

The OP clearly states in her first post that the son and his mother are staying in his house. She is not being asked to vacate her home.

Atthebottomofthegarden Tue 26-Dec-17 23:55:43

I agree with others, whilst not really the norm in the U.K. it is common in many cultures for prepubescent children to sleep with their mother. This may continue for afternoon naps for life - as my friend told me in horror on her return from her first visit to ILs in India smile

I can understand your unease and frustration with mother & son ousting you, but as it is a temporary thing I’d suck it up. If it becomes frequent, you’ll need to decide if it’s something you can live with.

I imagine the GPs are desperate to see their grandson and are therefore willing to facilitate this in any way they can.

froshiechipandbrickie Tue 26-Dec-17 23:57:56

Not creepy, no. But you finding it creepy is kind of creepy imo.

There may be various issues in that family but I hardly think that’s any of your business.

As for the whispering... seems disrespectful. Have you talked with OH about this?

AIBUfan Wed 27-Dec-17 06:26:14

I'm quite surprised how many people think it is normal for a boy of that age to sleep in the same bed as any parent, mother or father.

Wife is definitely ex, they have been divorced for quite a number of years. OH is not an alcoholic / paedo / drug user. For those of you that think this is normal / not creepy (or that I am the creepy one!), can I ask how you would feel if it were the other around - how would you feel if, by some means, your ex would not allow your child to stay over at your home unless the ex himself was there too, and the ex himself slept in bed with, say, your 9 year old daughter?

For all the crazies saying I am bitter and interfering, I have not said anywhere that I resent OH relationship with his son - he has fought hard to have any access whatsoever, despite being legally entitled to 50% custody. He cannot move country to be closer because of work. I have zero issue with his son staying in his house, obviously!

yippyyappy Wed 27-Dec-17 06:37:40

It seems like you're sexualising the bed sharing. Ice. Sorry but you're the creepy one.

steff13 Wed 27-Dec-17 06:38:28

A - Not creepy
B - If it's not your home, your boyfriend can ask you to leave for whatever reason he likes. You can accept it or end the relationship.

steff13 Wed 27-Dec-17 06:41:28

Oh, and it's none of your business how your boyfriend's parents spend their money.

LolitaLempicka Wed 27-Dec-17 06:43:43

A parent sleeping with their 9 year old daughter? Yes perfectly normal. Do you have kids OP? Your weird implications are unsettling.

AIBUfan Wed 27-Dec-17 06:44:27

I have never said anywhere that any of it is my business - I simply think about it a lot, and asking opinions on whether my thoughts are unreasonable!

As to sexualising bed sharing, I am not at all - I simply asked what people would think on here if the tables were turned, and I can't imagine, from the rather judgy responses on there, that people would be so happy if the situation were the other way around.

Also I should add that OH visits his son as and when he can, and always rents a separate place.

steff13 Wed 27-Dec-17 06:53:52

I simply think about it a lot

Why waste your time thinking about something that doesn't concern you?

It's up to you boyfriend and his ex to decide how contact works for them. I think this may not be the relationship for you.

shhhfastasleep Wed 27-Dec-17 06:55:30

Why is it his house? It's her and her son's home which he visits when in that country. It is not his house. It may have been his former family Home and it may be a shared asset.

AIBUfan Wed 27-Dec-17 06:55:53

@steff13 ....errrr because I am human and not a robot?!

Mummyoflittledragon Wed 27-Dec-17 06:57:26

Dd (9) sleeps in my bed since a burglar came into my bedroom while I was asleep. Dh was out. Dd is unaware as I awoke and he ran out without taking anything. We pretended that dh had broken the glass in the door from slamming in the wind. It coincided with a slat on her bed breaking so I used that as an excuse to co sleep for a while and she was really happy to do so. That was 3 years ago. I know she could do with going back to her bedroom and we bought her a new duvet cover and curtains for Christmas so maybe she will when we get it sorted. However, there is nothing creepy about co sleeping. And dd has secure attachment.

AIBUfan Wed 27-Dec-17 06:57:50

@shhhfastasleep - no, it was never the family home .

steff13 Wed 27-Dec-17 06:59:00

errrr because I am human and not a robot?!

Well, enjoy yourself then. I'm also human and I tend to not waste headspace thinking about things that don't have anything to do with me. Each to his own, I guess.

AIBUfan Wed 27-Dec-17 07:00:52

@Mummyoflittledragon

Helpful comment - maybe something has happened that I am not aware of, nor OH - he doesn't agree with the co sleeping either, and finds it absurd - but if something has happened like that then I can understand it more.

AIBUfan Wed 27-Dec-17 07:01:16

@steff13 - clearly you must just be perfect and brilliant then. Well done.

Capelin Wed 27-Dec-17 07:01:44

What do you mean, if the situation was the other way around? Do you mean if the child was co-sleeping with their Dad? My 10yo DD sometimes climbs in with us and she always chooses DH’s side of the bed. It’s fine.

shhhfastasleep Wed 27-Dec-17 07:02:17

Op, you said this "but one I cannot deal with is that the mother feels entitled to sleep in my OH's house". Why is their Home his house? He might have bought somewhere for his son and the mother to live in but it is not your OH's house other than, perhaps on paper.

AIBUfan Wed 27-Dec-17 07:03:44

@Capelin - No, clearly I mean the other way around, as in the exact opposite - imagine you, for various reasons, have to pander to your ex in order to be able to see your child. Your child sleeps in bed with your ex. Your child is only allowed to visit you if the ex comes and sleeps with your child. That is the other way around!

AIBUfan Wed 27-Dec-17 07:04:40

@shhhfastasleep - you say "their home" - it is not - i clearly said they live in a different country.

OhFucko Wed 27-Dec-17 07:05:12

This is a classic example of a Mumsnet thread where everyone gets judgey and bosom-hoicky about one small part of the issue, whilst ignoring the actual issue.

OP he needs better legal advice.

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