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Son still sleeps with mother

(118 Posts)
AIBUfan Tue 26-Dec-17 18:49:46

AIBU to think that (a) it's creepy that my OH's son still sleeps with his mother at 9 years old; (b) that my OH puts up with son and mother sleeping at his house, and I have to vacate.

Background history - OH's son's mother abducted him from the UK when he was very young. She will not allow her son to visit his father on his own.

OH "whispers" when on the phone to me whilst son and mother are there. The situation is delicate, as he has court orders in the UK giving him 50% custody, but they are not enforceable in the jurisdiction where his son's mother lives.

There are all sorts of issues arising from this, but one I cannot deal with is that the mother feels entitled to sleep in my OH's house (her son should of course sleep there, but why should she??); and that my OH's parents pay for her flights.

AIBU???

TheWitchAndTrevor Tue 26-Dec-17 19:23:31

This is the second thread today about this hmm

Gemini69 Tue 26-Dec-17 19:23:34

this is fooked up.. get the hell out of there OP flowers

Aridane Tue 26-Dec-17 19:41:49

B) is bloody unreasonable and disrespectful. Posters have focussed on A) at the expense of B)

TheFSMisreal Tue 26-Dec-17 19:51:23

Not creepy at all. And would you prefer to pay for her hotel when she flies over? And if he's not comfortable leaving his mother why force him? Your oh sounds like he's doing the best he can for his son. Also she moved back to her own country didn't she?

Dustbunny1900 Tue 26-Dec-17 19:54:27

You being shoved out is ridiculous. F*ck that. You shouldn't be hidden and shoved under the rug for the comfort of his ex.

But no to a, he's a kid. You're boyfriend is being the sketchy/creepy one

WhooooAmI24601 Tue 26-Dec-17 19:55:03

You don't have to be there, you don't have to be part of this. If a situation with your DP's Ex and Child bothers you, it's alright to call it quits. Everyone's tolerance threshold is different but if you're very unhappy you don't have to put up with it. I wouldn't vacate my home for the Queen of Sheba let alone a normal human.

BuzzKillington Tue 26-Dec-17 19:56:16

Mine, when 9, would've thought sleeping with parents babyish, as would I zeeboo.

That's my opinion. I don't resort to name calling because I don't share someone's point of view. HTH

mindutopia Tue 26-Dec-17 20:08:18

Agree with most others. It's not necessarily odd for a 9 year old to co-sleep with a parent. In many parts of the world, it would be the norm.

But it is a bit odd that one parent can't seem to trust the other parent to be able to parent well enough without sleeping over to supervise. I co-sleep with my dd until she was 3.5 (and then she left to sleep in her own room by choice). But I also know my dh (her dad) is similarly perfectly capable of nighttime parenting her and he has (and still would, she's 5) co-sleep with her if that's what she needed. It means she can go away with him on his own or I can go away on a trip and leave them at home and they do just fine. He's just as competent at parenting as I am and he has a bond with our dd that makes her comfortable staying with him.

If your partner's ds doesn't know him well, I can see why it would be reasonable for her mum to sleep over when she visits to help her get used to being with him. I'm assuming if she lives in another country, they don't visit often. But if they have an otherwise strong bond, your partner should be taking on more responsibility for the parenting, including solo parenting. But if they're traveling quite far, I can understand she would want to stay over while they visit, otherwise, it becomes really prohibitively expensive to allow visitation if he isn't able or willing to collect his ds from his home. When I used to visit my dad, who I didn't have a strong relationship with so would have rarely stayed alone, except maybe when I was like 16/17, my mum would come with us and stay over (though we didn't co-sleep). But certainly once my dad had a partner, we were all part of one big family and when they lived together, we would all stay together and that wasn't weird. I think it sounds like there are a lot of factors here that might make their relationship seem odd or really reasonable, depending.

Ultimately, your partner gets to choose though how he interacts with his ds and his ex. If you aren't comfortable with it, you don't have to stay in the relationship.

giggleshizz Tue 26-Dec-17 20:25:15

Poshindevon can you share links please. I'm a scientist in the field of child behaviour and have never come across this view from psychologists so would be interested to see your sources.

Oh and my very independent 5 year old cosleeps.

ButchyRestingFace Tue 26-Dec-17 20:30:50

On the bright side, OP, at least you can be reasonably confident your OH isn’t cheating on you in your absence - what with his son and the ex sharing a bed and all. smile

GirlsBlouse17 Tue 26-Dec-17 20:31:56

You shouldn't be forced out OP but I guess your OH is trying to handle a very delicate situation regarding his son and doesnt want to risk not seeing him again. I think it best just to support him with this for now

Branleuse Tue 26-Dec-17 20:37:25

i dont think its particularly weird at all for a 9 year old to sleep in the same bed as a parent. As for the other stuff, no idea, but I think its possibly not your business

yawningyoni Tue 26-Dec-17 20:48:04

Poshindevon clearly has no understanding of attachment if they think cosleeping creates attachment issues

Littlechocola Tue 26-Dec-17 20:51:25

Poshindevon.... bollocks

doctorsnewcompanion Tue 26-Dec-17 20:53:58

My DC 8 shares my bed most nights.
That’s not an issue.
The rest of the stuff seems to be him trying to resolve issues privately. Unsure how I’d approach that.

Willow2017 Tue 26-Dec-17 21:50:09

Of course its not "creepy" wtaf?

Yhe

Willow2017 Tue 26-Dec-17 21:55:13

Damm phone!
The rest needs sorting out between oh and his ex and lawyers.
It seems a real mess all round with her calling all the shots.
Dont know if i would want to be caught up in it tbh.

MistyMinge Tue 26-Dec-17 21:55:14

It's not creepy at all. It sounds like your partner and his parents will do all they can to see his son and understandably keep his mum happy, so not to jeopardise things.

I can see how it's hard for you, but in the circumstances I'm not sure what they can do.

If I was in their situation I'd do all I could to see my child.

Maelstrop Tue 26-Dec-17 21:56:14

It’s not creepy but I think he needs to try to persuade her that his son now stays with him alone while she stays at a hotel/B&B. That’s definitely weird.

WeAllHaveWings Tue 26-Dec-17 22:06:38

Ds(13) slept in mine regularly at 9. At 13 he only does it if he is either feeling ill or has seen something on tv which was unexpectedly scary.

VitriolicMuse Tue 26-Dec-17 22:26:46

The whole situation sounds weird, but the least weird part is the 9 year old sharing a bed with his mother. Couldn’t you just find a man without so much drama? I couldn’t be bothered with this at all.

AIBUfan Tue 26-Dec-17 22:46:04

Thanks for all the comments! It is definitely helpful to understand from others that it isn’t creepy for them to sleep together – I don’t know this, as my experience is that children always sleep separately from birth.

I think the focus is on that, perhaps incorrectly (from my part) – but actually what bothers me is her staying in the house. NotSureThisIsWhatIwant asked if she did really abduct the child – she did, and then she was subsequently arrested when she came back to the country. OH has tried to enforce UK judgments, but it has not been possible given jurisdictional issues. Legal advice is / was that it could take up ten years for him to have any access (legally) to his son, so instead, and understandably, he panders to the ex’s rules. I think I just feel really frustrated by it.

In the UK, he has court orders giving him 50% custody, of course – but after the abduction, he simply had nothing to say / do despite spending thousands of pounds in legal proceedings.

Mother and son do not regularly visit at all – this is one of the first times. I think everything should be done in his son’s best interests, however as an “outsider” I think the sleeping with his mother will definitely cause issues, and the fact that he is allowed no independence.

By way of further background, she is wealthy and can afford accommodation and flights – she appears to simply be a bit of a scrounger.

AIBUfan Tue 26-Dec-17 22:48:49

@girlsblouse

Agreed completely - I have no issues providing support but I suppose I feel uncomfortable personally and thought here was a place to vent a little.

Voice0fReason Tue 26-Dec-17 23:08:02

I think the sleeping with his mother will definitely cause issues, and the fact that he is allowed no independence.
Your opinion is unqualified and irrelevant.

If he wants to see his child, then he will have no choice but to go along with her wishes as the law cannot help him.

You have to decide how much you are willing to tolerate to remain in this relationship. You have no say in the relationship he has with his child.

TheFSMisreal Tue 26-Dec-17 23:10:20

Can I how often does he go to see his son and why he hast moved closer to him?

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