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Son still sleeps with mother

(118 Posts)
AIBUfan Tue 26-Dec-17 18:49:46

AIBU to think that (a) it's creepy that my OH's son still sleeps with his mother at 9 years old; (b) that my OH puts up with son and mother sleeping at his house, and I have to vacate.

Background history - OH's son's mother abducted him from the UK when he was very young. She will not allow her son to visit his father on his own.

OH "whispers" when on the phone to me whilst son and mother are there. The situation is delicate, as he has court orders in the UK giving him 50% custody, but they are not enforceable in the jurisdiction where his son's mother lives.

There are all sorts of issues arising from this, but one I cannot deal with is that the mother feels entitled to sleep in my OH's house (her son should of course sleep there, but why should she??); and that my OH's parents pay for her flights.


BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Tue 26-Dec-17 18:52:17


Tink2007 Tue 26-Dec-17 18:53:29

I don’t think it’s creepy that a nine year old boy sleeps in the same bed as his mum. I don’t see why it would be. He is a child.

OH’s parents may feel obliged to pay for the flights as that is their grandson and they may well be worried that if they don’t pay for them they won’t see their grandchild.

LesDennishair Tue 26-Dec-17 18:56:09

The co sleeping isn't really the issue here so I'm not sure why that seems to be the main focus, and no I don't think it's creepy at 9 years old.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Tue 26-Dec-17 18:57:29

Not creepy. He's only 9.

SardineJam Tue 26-Dec-17 18:59:59

DS1 who is 8 loves to come and sleep in my bed when DP is away

Blackteadrinker77 Tue 26-Dec-17 19:02:50

There is nothing wrong with a nine year old sharing a bed with his mother.
Why do you think it is creepy?

His grandparents can buy them flights any time they like.

It just sounds like you're looking for a problem.

Herewegoagain01 Tue 26-Dec-17 19:05:40

YABU to think them sleeping in the same bed is creepy.

YANBU to be annoyed that she has to stay for visits to his dad. Unless they live far apart and she travels with him, or there is a back story/issued that you haven’t mentioned.

HeckyPeck Tue 26-Dec-17 19:06:52

Co-sleeping isn't creepy.

Being shipped out from your home whenever the ex visits so she can sleep over is bloody weird though. If OH won't do something about I'd writing the relationship off as a bad one.

Sorry OP

Tipsntoes Tue 26-Dec-17 19:07:29

Why on earth shouldn't a 9yo sleep with his parent?

Why on earth shouldn't GPs pay for their DGC and his mother to visit?

You may have some issues with your DP but I don't see what his ex or his parents are doing wrong.

SandyY2K Tue 26-Dec-17 19:07:53

It's not creepy to me. You got involved with him knowing the set up..... that his parent's pay for her flights are non of your business.

She clearly doesn't want her son left with him alone...hence she stays at his home. Your OH accepts this.... so you need to as well.

RoderickRules Tue 26-Dec-17 19:08:04

My DS, 9, gets in my bed.
He thinks the dark is creepy!


HeebieJeebies456 Tue 26-Dec-17 19:08:26

why do you put up with this from him?

SandyY2K Tue 26-Dec-17 19:09:54

that my OH puts up with son and mother sleeping at his house, and I have to vacate.

I missed this bit. Is it your OHs house or joint?

Honestly...I'd rethink this relationship. Too much hassle.

pickleypockley Tue 26-Dec-17 19:10:30

Has she travelled there with her son? Maybe she's worried your oh will abduct the child as she didhmm

LuchiMangsho Tue 26-Dec-17 19:10:32

Nothing creepy about it. My DCs don't regularly sleep with me but in many cultures it is fine for boys and girls till they hit puberty to sleep with their parents. It's not a big deal.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant Tue 26-Dec-17 19:15:31


1) not creepy, especially if there is no free bedroom for her to sleep in. It is perfectly reasonable at that age if they are traveling and there are no spare bedrooms.

2) not unreasonable for his parents to pay the flights, mine still offer to pay outs and so do the inlaws. It is quite expensive to travel abroad when when there is a single household income and responsibility for a dependent.
What is quite off is that your DP do not offer to pay.

3) if she had really abducted the kid and your partner REALLY wanted to enforce the 50/50 he can. She is currently under the jurisdiction of the order and therefore the order is enforceable. If she was abroad... there is just a very small handful of countries who do not have agreements for the repatriation of abducted children so she could actually be arrested when she is abroad. It is your partner who is reluctant to act on it, if he really wanted the 50/50 the order gives him, there is quite Little the woman can do to stop him.

4) you are being played on, in reality your partner is speaking quietly to keep YOU happy telling you what he thinks YOU want to hear. I can assure you that as soon as e hangs the phone he is behaving towards her as if she was an old friend (Ivan assure you that if that was not the case she wouldn’t be staying there, unless... does your DP still lives with his parents???)

passmethewineplease Tue 26-Dec-17 19:17:12

Not creepy. My 8 year old DD regularly wants me in her bed. But I don't think thats necessarily the issue here is it?

Poshindevon Tue 26-Dec-17 19:17:21

Why does your OH allow his son to be taken out out of the country when he has 50% custody?
If for example the child visiting his father in the UK and there is a 50% custody order in place why does your OH allow his ex to take the child out of the UK. He needs to apply for a prohibitive steps to stop this.
As for the child sleeping with his mother. Its not healthy, as in the long term children who sleep with a parent lack self reliance and can have anxiety and attachment issues.
That is the view of psychologists.

I personally find it creepy and as in this case ,the mothers seem to be clinging to their children for a variety of reasons.

BuzzKillington Tue 26-Dec-17 19:17:40

Babyish, but not creepy.

Some 9 year olds are very young compared to others. They will grow out of it.

Tipsntoes Tue 26-Dec-17 19:17:53

That's a good point NotSure. It sounds like mother and son regularly visit UK, so why hasn't DP taken steps to have the court order enforced?

Eatingwormswithwine Tue 26-Dec-17 19:18:07


Situp Tue 26-Dec-17 19:20:44

TBH I don't think the co sleeping is your problem.

Clearly you and OH have issues to resolve regarding how your relationship is going to work in relation to his son. That seems to be where there is a problem

missyB1 Tue 26-Dec-17 19:21:54

I’m confused about where this child lives, is it in the UK or abroad? Why do you have to move out when she comes over with the child? Why doesn’t your OH have unsupervised access to his child? Is he happy having his ex supervise him?
It all sounds very odd to me, the sleeping arrangements are the least of it!

zeeboo Tue 26-Dec-17 19:22:18

@BuzzKillington you have just made yourself look really quite dim. Co-sleeping has no correlation with how 'young' or 'old' anyone is and frankly only chronological age determines that. You as a grown adult calling a small child 'babyish' now that is immature.

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