to want to wrap my DD up and take her away(25 Posts)
Not sure if posting in the right place, but I'm desperate with worry. DD is being bullied. She is 12 and in first year of high school. The bullying started a few weeks ago, but has now escalated like some sort of virus where she is being excluded by friends, older kids making nasty comments and people throwing things at her. It's like it has become the school sport! She never had problems at primary school, so this is a new and frightening experience. She has left school the last two days in tears to come home as it became unbearable. School have been mixed and slow in their response, in my opinion, though I know I need to give them time but it's only through my pushing that they have talked to some of the ring leaders and now looking at a buddy system. DD is alone at breaks and lunch and hiding in the playground so no one can pick on her. I'm stressing hugely and am ready to move her to a new school in 2018 if something doesn't change, but am I over-reacting? Do these things really turn around as the school suggests? DD isn't eating and looks like a poor waif. Anyone know of kids sticking it out and it working out? DH says to leave her where she is and it will blow over, but her red eyes and shaking are breaking me. Fuck, why is this happening.
I'd move her to be honest. She must hate going there. Would you want to go to work if you were being bullied like that?
Can anyone look after her if you were to withdraw her? I wouldn't send her back if at all possible. Keep her at home until you've moved her, if you can.
Having said that, I went through something very similar at the same stage. It didn't last forever and of course I was stronger for it in the end and was a confident person by my late teens. But I've never forgotten it and would much rather not have experienced it. I also didn't tell my parents about it. The fact that she's told you means you're doing a very good job.
I wouldn't send her, OP. I'm sure a GP would sign her off if she's this stressed. I would keep her off and look at other schools / home ed. There's no benefit in sending her and potentially an awful lot of damage.
I don't know what the answer is but wanted to say so sorry and please keep battling for her, it won't go away whatever DH says. Can you speak to any parents of so called friends to find out where it has come from?
What does she want to do? I think the important thing is to support her. It’s great she is confiding in you. Sadly children (and some adults) can be absolutely horrible people.
No you should not have to give the school time. Their response should be immediate and effective. My son attends a huge Senior school and when he was having problems with bullying the school were on it straight away. Sanctions for the bullies, parents of bullies contacted, a book for Ds to record any further incidents, a specific member of staff to go to if any further issues. No problems before or after that episode which was a year ago now.
Honestly, you need to find a better school for your DD, your first job is to protect her.
You're not over reacting at all, OP. This is horrible for your DD and ots horrible for you having to send her to school each day knowing that she will have an awful day, the only variable being how awful it is. If the school won't handle it, move her.
I have no real advice op as I would want to remove my dd as well I think. I did go through similar in school with a group of bitchy girls and it did blow over in the end but like a pp has said, I have never forgotten it and at the time it was so significant. I found another group of friends who I am still friends with now and I quickly learned to give the first lot of 'friends' a wide berth even when they started acting all nice again. I did have a sister at the school tho so I had a 'go to person' does she have anyone like that?
Don’t send her back and rain merry hell on the school and the bullies/their parents. Make sure everyone in the school knows what happened to your daughter, including the governors
I would look at different schools or maybe even home ed until she feels stronger. Good luck with everything, I have a dd the same age and know just how horrible girls in this age group can be!
So sorry that you and your DD are going through this. I hope you take strength in the fact she can talk to you about - you obviously have a strong relationship. I think I’d take her out and move her if at all possible - unless she’s strongly against that.
I've had experience of this with both my boys.
My eldest escalated from name calling to physical assault. When I contacted the deputy head her response was and I kid you not 'yes X did tell me about it today, but as I told him, when he's 30 an s driving around in a sports car he can look back at these kids who will have done nothing with their lives and laugh' straight away we contacted another school who was willing to take him. He chose to stick the remaining 3 weeks until Christmas out and we moved him in the new year. He was in year 8 at the time and is now in year 13 and has done amazing in his new school.
My youngest started having problems around a month after starting in year 7 and he wanted to move to the school his brother was at (which I had wanted him to go to but he wanted to stay with friends) but they were full. He had a day off school and went back in and within 2 weeks it had all stopped and he's had no problems (touch wood) since.
I can understand how you feel, it's horrible knowing what they are going through you do just want to scoop them up and protect them.
Maybe after the Christmas holidays it will die down. If not and school seem to be slow off the mark, I would consider moving her. I know I made the right decision with my eldest, and my youngest then chose to stay where he was and thankfully it's worked out.
Sounds like you need to be pushing harder with the school op. Review their bullying policy (probably on their website if not ask the office/clerk to the governors for a copy) - are they following it?
And to add both my boys were singled out because they kept their heads down and worked and didn't mess about. They were seen as 'swots' and the one boy who was physical towards my eldest was apparently a 'problem child' who the school were working with. I love spent my career working with children and adults with special needs and mental health issues. However when it came to my son I couldn't give a shit what problems this boy had, I wanted the school to stop it and not pussy foot around him! But I might as well have beeen talking to a brick wall.
So sorry your DD's going through this and I know how awful it is to watch as a parent. I'd seriously consider moving her. We left our DD in a school where she was miserable; I was always optimistic things would improve (they didn't) and DH worried that she'd have the same problems elsewhere. She eventually moved for 6th form, made friends and had a great 2 years. Wish we had moved her years before. Also, the pastoral care in the school she went to for 6th form had wonderful pastoral care, so that's something to look into if you're considering a different school.
Dh was bullied in his first year at high school, the in laws moved him to another school where he got on much better and wasn't bullied at all. They also got him to take up his own hobbies like running and boxing so that he would have an escape from it and also learn to defend himself.
I feel for you, my eldest is starting preschool and even that fills me with fear in case a child picks on him. I can't imagine how painful it must be to see your child suffer like this.
Update, as so many took the time to post. Things have settled down and DD has found a new group of friends. Also ended up having to talk to parent of the bully. Mad as a hatter, but actually helped to understand why the child is that way. Anyway, as many were saying to leave school and incase anyone else happens across this post, it seems to have resolved and calmed down. Very unpleasant experience though.
Also, apologies for other thread I mistakenly started on this by posting more than once.
Thank you so much for updating. I have kids the same age as your DD and so these sort of posts stick in my head and it’s good to hear how it’s been resolved (whether moving school or within the school).
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