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*lighthearted* To think my teenage son might be...

(52 Posts)
ididntmeanitlikethat Wed 20-Dec-17 10:23:32

a vampire shock

DS is 14 and appears to be allergic to daylight. He'd happily spend his whole life in his bedroom, blinds closed, no light on...ever!

He speaks a weird language, that only his vampire teenage friends appear to understand.

There's this strange smell attached to him, which no amount of deodorant masks envy <not envy

I swear he actually hissed at me this morning when I turned his light on to wake him up for school!

Did I actually spawn a creature or is this usual?

Fromage Wed 20-Dec-17 10:27:38

This is quite common.

Quite often the teenage vampire will also exist only on a diet of bread and sweets and Nando's/McDonald's/some other shite. No red blood will pass their lips, so no one is in danger. I'd keep garlic to hand though, just in case.

ididntmeanitlikethat Wed 20-Dec-17 10:32:48

Phew...glad to hear it fromage

I'm not sure how well DP would cope with DS sucking his neck. Could be the end of the relationship grin

Ali1262 Wed 20-Dec-17 10:35:38

My lovely 15yo is the same. According to him vegetables are the work of the devil, however if he is one he's not a very good one as he loves garlic, can spend an hour in the shower -thanks YouTube- but detests onions.

HoneyDragon Wed 20-Dec-17 10:36:21

I have one of those. I like to dramatically enter the room and fling open the curtains whereby he will dramatically clutch is throat and hiss and croak writhing slowly toward the floor.

His bedroom has two scent settings

Lynx and Gag

Both are awful.

So I make him burn incense in there.

Ali1262 Wed 20-Dec-17 10:45:29

@honeydragon yes the room scent, both are bad, especially when he gets ready for school in the mornings, its that bad I'm thinking of asking Santa for a gas mask this Christmas

Rebeccaslicker Wed 20-Dec-17 10:49:36

I remember my brother being like this.

The light. It burnsssssss ussssssss.


(And he ended up an accountant, so you do have to be very very careful wink)

BonfiresOfInsanity Wed 20-Dec-17 10:50:38

What is that smell in their bedrooms? Every time I go in I wonder wtf is mkaing that smell and can't figure it out.

ididntmeanitlikethat Wed 20-Dec-17 10:59:20

I have no idea bonfires and I agree that Lynx makes it worse!

I'm hoping it's temporary though or he'll have to live in the shed grin

Rebeccaslicker Wed 20-Dec-17 11:02:38

I think it's a combination of sweat, cheesy sweaty feet/socks/trainers and - er - dirty tissues/stiffened socks.

PostNotInHaste Wed 20-Dec-17 11:05:28

We say that about DS who is the same age. He likes chicken Kiev though so slight doubts on the vampire theory but the rest fits.

DesignedForLife Wed 20-Dec-17 11:06:10

It's just a chrysalis phase. Give him a few years and he'll pop out a half decent human who's discovered washing under armpits is advisable for attracting the opposite sex.

Tinselistacky Wed 20-Dec-17 11:06:51

The smell is evaporating jizz!! blush

Somethingfantastic89 Wed 20-Dec-17 11:07:55

and - er - dirty tissues/stiffened socks.
Yes, this grin
Mine goes through periods of being super clean and then falls back into lynx/sweat/windows shut/dirty plates/stink mode. I suspect I need to thank some girl for those clean periods.

ididntmeanitlikethat Wed 20-Dec-17 11:11:50

The smell is evaporating jizz!!

I feel sick...never going in his room again!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Wed 20-Dec-17 11:12:32

@HoneyDragon - I used to invigilate for the GCSE and A level exams, at ds1's all-boys school - the entire building was pervaded with a fug of BO and Lynx - so thick you could almost slice it!

I think the vampire phase goes on past the teens - No2 son (22) has just got up - very proud that it is still morning.

HoneyDragon Wed 20-Dec-17 11:15:21

Ds was out the house at 7am this morning thus ruining my lie in hmm dd got hers though. Otherwise ds is thrilled if he’s awake prenoon

Floellabumbags Wed 20-Dec-17 11:16:38

When I taught, it was always obvious if a year 10 class had been in the room before my lesson because of the stench.

The vampire thing goes on for years. I had a boyfriend at uni who was nicknamed "The Prince of Darkness" by the cleaners in halls because they'd never seen him in daylight and he refused to open the curtains.

sparklyelephant Wed 20-Dec-17 11:17:54

So funny grin
I've just shown the ops post to the 16yr old, he laughed hmm
I told him it reminded me of him and his brothers rooms, he laughed again hmm

NeverUseThisName Wed 20-Dec-17 11:18:00

There is hope!

3-4 years further along, and my vampire-troglodyte is occasionally opening its his curtains (well, one of them. Part of the way.) and even vacuuming his cave (well, most of it. Occasionally.)

And got a girlfriend. Which has helped him to rediscover verbal language and decent manners, as he wants lifts.

Wilberforce2 Wed 20-Dec-17 11:20:19

Is this just boys or do girls take on this vampire persona as well? I have one of each so wondering if I have to do it once or twice!!

sparklyelephant Wed 20-Dec-17 11:21:49

Oh just to add, other son is 19....
16 yr old refers to his room as the 'bat cave'..... it smells like a bat cave too, full of bat crap!!

MistyMeena Wed 20-Dec-17 11:24:14

I have a young teen who has just entered this vampire chrysalis phase. What is the average age for emergence I wonder?

Somethingfantastic89 Wed 20-Dec-17 11:26:14

Wilber I don't know about the curtain/darkness, but girls' rooms get MESSY. Clothes everywhere (except in the wardrobe), books and gadgets on and under the bed, used plates/cups in the corners, empty water or fizzy drink bottles in a pile... and if you say anything, they will scream that you're hurting their self-esteem hmm

ididntmeanitlikethat Wed 20-Dec-17 11:27:51

The language thing gets me as well and I think this is both boys and girls confused

I have taken to looking things up on urban dictionary! Most recently looked up 'chode' (wish I didn't)

ValMc1 Wed 20-Dec-17 11:28:41

Your message takes me back years. When my son finally left home, I ripped out everything in his room because I could still smell him. Despite this, the smell never quite went away - he is now nearly 40, a great dad and husband, cooks like a dream, and has a wonderful job - they do grow out of it eventually!!!

MycatsaPirate Wed 20-Dec-17 11:33:35

Oh yes, girls too. My oldest has a floordrobe, a collection of kitchen stuff with strange things growing in them and an inability to put anything in the bloody bin.

I shut the door and pretend it's not happening. When she buggers off back to uni I go in and open windows, clean and hoover.

Still one child to go through this. Joy.

GeorgeTheHamster Wed 20-Dec-17 11:33:55

DS1 is at uni now. The smell abates during term time and reappears in the holidays. I think it is mainly unwashed clothes and bed linen now - the bedding I do but I'm not picking clothes and towels off the floor for an 18yo who has been doing his own laundry all term.

GeorgeTheHamster Wed 20-Dec-17 11:35:00

PS there has never been a Lynx habit among my boys but The Smell still appears from time to time

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius Wed 20-Dec-17 11:40:52

What amazes me is the way that Lynx, liberally applied by a teenager, can reach every single corner of even the largest house!

When all three dses were teenagers, getting ready in the morning, you could feel the smell of Lynx, even through closed doors.

Basically, it is weaponised fragrance. Probably not an advertising tagline they will want to use. fgrin

sleepingdogslying Wed 20-Dec-17 11:41:35

What is the average age for emergence I wonder?

It varies IME - I do think finding a romantic partner that they want to impress/bring back to the house has a wonderful effect on personal cleanliness and tidying their room. I also refused to buy Lynx products any more after having to roll down the car windows in mid winter to escape the Lynx-fug that enveloped the car when I was giving DS and friends a lift to a party. I pitied any teenage girls that they tried to get close to that night.

RedSkyAtNight Wed 20-Dec-17 11:46:06

I have a member of the same species.
Every so often to supposedly keep me happy he will open his bedroom window for about 2 minutes. This apparently means he is not obliged to view natural light for the rest of the day, has had enough fresh air to keep him going for several weeks and the peculiar smell slightly lessens.

BanyanChristmasTree Wed 20-Dec-17 11:46:43

Mine is not officially a teen yet but certainly acts like one. Clothes are dropped 1 metre from the clothes basket, sweet wrappers under the bed and drawn curtains and blinds.

BalloonSlayer Wed 20-Dec-17 11:48:01

DS is also a light dodger. DD on the other hand I have to repeatedly TELL to shut her curtains. I am sure the neighbours opposite are perfectly nice people but I don't want them to be watching my teenage daughter cavorting in her underwear and she seems completely oblivious.

I am turning into my Mother. She would always get agitated if some guys were coming over to deliver a new carpet or similar and we weren't up and dressed. "Get up! The men are coming!" is still a family saying. As if some poor hapless carpet fitters were going to be lusting after us three spotty skinny girls in our flannelette nighties and specs. But now I am the same!

Hatsoffdear Wed 20-Dec-17 11:49:47

Girls on the other hand live in the bathroom so I think it’s vampires v mermaids. App quite normal. They do grow up.

ididntmeanitlikethat Wed 20-Dec-17 11:52:29

"Get up! The men are coming!"

This made me chuckle...the image of you all rushing around to get decent before they arrive!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff Wed 20-Dec-17 11:57:15

This thread has made me laugh soooo much. Thankyou!!
I first noticed the transition not from the smell - though that was powerful - but about 2 years ago he stopped speaking English and began speaking Meme. I don't have a dictionary, so we communicate in the only mutual language we still share, Nag, which I developed a few years ago, and he responds with expressive French Shrugs and eye rolls, accompanied by the same single drawn out sing song mumble which sounds a bit like "IddunnoKKnowwww" or "IsaaaaaiDOKkkaaaayyy!"

AdoraBell Wed 20-Dec-17 12:06:48

I have 2 of them OP.

I keep large amounts of garlic in the house.

PostNotInHaste Wed 20-Dec-17 12:08:41

We just have 'hmm' about 90% of the time. There's a no idea hmm, Mum your boring me hmm, meh hmm, maybe later hmm , an I'll pretend I'm listening hmm and many more I haven't quite translated.

RedSkyAtNight Wed 20-Dec-17 12:27:25

Ah!! this is clearly the reason why teenage son responds to most questions with the single word "dead" .

metalmum15 Wed 20-Dec-17 12:55:27

Ah yes, teenage girls can also be vampires, mine likes curtains closed all day, although lights have to be on (even though it's bright daylight outside - my electric bills! !) So maybe only half vampire, half mermaid (she also seems to live in the bath when not asleep or wandering round half dressed.) Conversation isn't too bad at the moment but I do get tired of shouting all the time because most conversations seem to take place while she also has headphones glued to her ears.

ididntmeanitlikethat Wed 20-Dec-17 13:34:42

oh metalmum I feel your pain re headphones!

How many one sided conversations I enjoy with my ds in the car on the way to school grin

Rebeccaslicker Wed 20-Dec-17 14:20:48

I don't know when it ends but I think it mostly starts at about 12. My lovely funny nephew has just been replaced with a shuffling mumbling spotty zombie who just stares at the tv and his phone when we are around!

Oh and his poor mother, my unsuspecting sister in law, said to me, "I don't know what's going on with Tim, but I can't get him out of the bathroom these days! I used to have to nag him for days to have a shower, now he's in there for hours."

ERM..........

I wasn't going to be the one to tell her grin

Trb17 Wed 20-Dec-17 14:24:33

A friend once told me her teenage sons room smelled of livestock and entitlement grin

Hatsoffdear Wed 20-Dec-17 14:28:16

This thread has cheered me up no end. grin
My mermaid 1 just called down stairs to tell me she heard the door bell but didn’t answer! Wtaf. 2 parcels now to be collected for her

sleepingdogslying Wed 20-Dec-17 16:04:15

livestock and entitlement

Love this!

Babababababybel23 Wed 20-Dec-17 16:09:23

When does this phase end it's been driving me insane. They never want to go out anywhere. You can't even nip into town without loads of grunting and growling the whole way confused

callmekitten Wed 20-Dec-17 16:11:26

I have a female vampire but I'm pretty sure she's a vegetarian vampire as she wants to eat nothing but salads and cheese pizza.

PonderLand Wed 20-Dec-17 16:13:10

"Get up! The men are coming!"

That was my mum too! So funny looking back at it, she'd get in a right flap. You'd think the queen herself was coming to read the meters.

I don't have any teens yet but this thread is hilarious, I hope it's as funny when you're living it!

Sennelier1 Sun 24-Dec-17 10:16:44

My DS was the same, and thought he was self-cleaning. That smell, yes. Hormones combined with TheBigUnwashed. It passes. He's a young dad himself now, he showers daily ánd baths his baby-son. His girlfriend doesn't complain. Still, mornings are a challenge. The trick is not to talk to him, communicate by pointing and putting things in front of him, like coffee.

arrrrghhwinehelpswithteens Sun 24-Dec-17 13:23:49

I have a female vampermaid. Basically vampiric with mermaid tendencies. Will only eat mugshots and pizza and dies if I dare open her bedroom curtains / window.

However, two nights a week she is perfect - ATC. It’s an amazing transformation. Bedroom goes from floordrobe pit to immaculate - especially if fellow cadets are staying. Although I have to say - 3 female vampermaids can beat the fug of lynx. 3 lots of different spray deodorants followed by hairspray and perfume. I can open every window in the house and still cut the fug with a knife to remove it.

Please tell me it passes soon

coldcanary Sun 24-Dec-17 13:34:41

Mine is 17 and is slowly coming out of it now. Still a vampire who feeds at 3am but now at least he tidies up after himself in the kitchen.
The change starts IME when they realise that people they find attractive (in his case the best friend of his mates girlfriend) are actually worth the hassle and they might want something a little more than looks or a good sense of humour. This lass has certainly made a difference -mwithout even knowing it - he doesn’t think he can just shed his skin to clean himself these days and he keeps his (pit) room much tidier. The conversation has moved on from grunts and ‘meh’ too. He even opened a window on Thursday!

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