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To feel let down by these 'friends'

(64 Posts)
inmyshoos Mon 18-Dec-17 21:52:36

Was part of a 4some. All mums who I have met through my dc. I split up with H last year and none of them were there for me. Instead they rallied around H like I had done something terrible. Years of an unhappy marriage, tried counselling, tried talking at length, tried to sit it out whilst dc grew but I couldn't take anymore. None of them know him like I do, in public he is Mr Easy going. Being married to him was a completely different story. I could cry with relief at being out of the relationship. I was close to breaking point.
So I have tried not to dwell on the lack of support from this group and instead be grateful for the true friends who have been there for me through it all however my dc just told me that their Dad has been invited to our usual get together at New year and asked if we could go. We haven't been invited. It just feels so hurtful. It's like I'm being punished! There was no one else involved. I have been nothing but nice to him despite being as difficult as possible. I feel like I can't win!

AIBU? Do I just need to suck it up . It feels so unfair sad

Cakeisbest Mon 18-Dec-17 21:54:29

Do you mean four couples, or four mums?

converseandjeans Mon 18-Dec-17 21:55:20

That sound harsh. So sorry flowers/ Maybe they will find out for themselves soon what he is like.

steff13 Mon 18-Dec-17 21:56:08

I'm it's very hurtful, and I'm sorry. But I don't think you have any other recourse than to suck it up.

inmyshoos Mon 18-Dec-17 22:06:13

4 mums. The dads are friends but not for as long or as close as the mum group. Tbh I have distanced myself a bit from them because as soon as they heard about h and I they were all omg poor h. Despite knowing about our troubles for a long time.
I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I will just have to get on with it but the dc are also upset about not going. If it was just me I wouldn't care so much. I have suggested they go with H but he hasn't actually mentioned going to me.

Racmactac Mon 18-Dec-17 22:12:30

I have lots sympathy. I have just split from my dp and my friend took him in and never bothered to tell me.
She has blocked me and cut me off. Clearly thinking I'm bad guy but there was no one else involved. It really hurts and I know they are still in touch on a daily basis.
I would never treat friend like that.

inmyshoos Mon 18-Dec-17 22:20:12

racmac sorry you've had similar treatment. It hurts like hell. I am so loyal to my friends. If one of my friends needed me I'd be there. No judgement. Even if they were in a situation I didn't approve of (which I'm not! But just to say) I'd still have their back. Because they are my friends. To me this is what friends do.

SammySays Mon 18-Dec-17 22:20:20

I feel like there is more to the story than your OP says. Can I ask, did you cheat inn DH or was it a straightforward ‘not happy anymore’ split. Who has dc? Is he now the primary parent in terms that they live with him?

It seems odd to me that your ‘mum’ friends would rally around him. I feel like there is more to this story. Can you think of a reason why they would side with your DH? Any wrong doing on your part?

MiraiDevant Mon 18-Dec-17 22:25:24

OP says she didn't cheat.
ExH is just one of those types who seems so nice and easy going that other women are drawn to him. That's what I understood anyway.
(I had an Ex like that once - Mr nice guy, such a catch! - Except he wasn't!!)

Gerbil17 Mon 18-Dec-17 22:28:44

From you saying you were so relieved when it ended, it sounds like he was possibly abusive.
Abusers are very good at playing the victim card, and since he already had the ease of making himself out to be mr. Nice guy to these mums when you were together, it hasnt been hard for him to win them over.
Just to further isolate you he will play the game further.

They arent your true friends, otherwise theyd believe you over him

honeyroar Mon 18-Dec-17 22:31:30

You never really find out who your real friends are until something difficult happens. I can understand how you feel, but try and focus on how happy and relieved you are to be out of the relationship and do something new at new year. Form new habits and traditions that don't have him in them. And leave your disappointing friends to him - like finds like!

Marriedwithchildren5 Mon 18-Dec-17 22:36:47

That's just strange! Organise your own party or get the kids a takeaway. If you can't ask xh to take the children then you don't have much choice really.

Trinity66 Mon 18-Dec-17 22:39:53

You'll just have to try and let it go as much as it hurts, use your energy on the ones who stood by you <3

inmyshoos Mon 18-Dec-17 22:41:15

sammysays did I do something wrong? Yes I married him. And for years put up with his controlling but subtle behaviours. Behaviour that made me doubt myself but I now realise was all part of who he is and I am so glad to be free of him. I have remained civil because we have dc. Otherwise I would never ever want him near me ever again.

Collaborate Mon 18-Dec-17 22:46:52

Sounds like they've judged you, rightly or wrongly. Can't comment on which, as you are looking at it from a different perspective to them. Their sympathy lies with him but not you. Either move on and try not to dwell, or analyse why they took his side and try to change.

MammaTJ Mon 18-Dec-17 22:46:59

They are not even remotely friends!

I had similar when my ExH left me for the OW! My oh so close friends were not as open about it though! They secretly told him all I was doing once he left So, the ONS I had 8 months after, they told him about, the broken ankle I got because the woman of the couple pulled me over, then slipped and landed on my ankle was told to him that I had had too much to drink................. I could go on and on. I did not realise all they were telling him until much later, when my DD, who had been 9 when he left me turned 14 and they had done such a good job on her too, that she moved in with her Dad.

Be grateful this horrible bunch are more open about it. I know it hurts, but focus on the good friends you have!

another20 Mon 18-Dec-17 22:57:02

They have judged you solely as the dumper and have sympathy with the dumpee - even though they dont know the details.

Also in these situations notice how what you have decided to do has shaken others trees - you dont know how grim or close to the edge their own marriages are.

Sad old cliche but in tough times you will find out who your friends are and make new deeper friendships.

Well done you for taking the tough decision. KOKO

inmyshoos Mon 18-Dec-17 23:04:39

All feels so bloody unfair. Judged for being the dumper even sounds ridiculous. I mean what would they prefer? I stay in my soul destroying relationship just so I don't offend anyone? Unbelievable. Some people just have no idea. None of them lived my life. None of them were married to him. Who are they to judge on something they know nothing about. sad

Coyoacan Mon 18-Dec-17 23:08:26

Heaven knows what motivates them.

Maybe they are in situations where they are "staying together for the sake of the children" and dislike the fact that you have shown that it is possible escape.

EMSMUM16 Mon 18-Dec-17 23:08:37

well he's obvs very manipulating and has managed to influence your 'friends'.
Very harsh but maybe part of getting rid of him is also getting rid of false friends? Maybe its worth losing them for if you know what I mean. As you have other friends, spend some time with them, might help and honestly, you don't need it

RC1234 Mon 18-Dec-17 23:23:01

You are not unusual - I can almost guarantee that this would happen to me mostly because DH is much more charismatic than me. I am quite quiet and reserved - he is not.

I am glad that you have other friends - you can tell the quality of a friend by what they do when you are down, sick or hurting. To have even just one person who will stick with you or at least will not take sides that is worth it's weight in gold (and better than a bunch of sheeple who just follow each other around mindlessly).

For you what it may be is that:
- the bond between the men was tighter and the social co-ordinator so to speak is one of the men.
- some women openly or not so openly prefer male company and will always take the man's part almost regardless of right or wrong (this covers a few of my now more distant acquaintances).
- you are so devastatingly beautiful that they (irrationally) fear for their own marriages now you are single.

It may actually only be one person, but if they are the key organiser then it might feel like the whole group.

MiltonTheCockroach Mon 18-Dec-17 23:33:24

When I split up with an ex partner I found out one of my friends (also my supervisor at work) was planning to go into a flat share with him.

I told management that I wanted someone else to do my supervision as she was a bit of a gobshite when she was drunk and I didn't want anything 'accidentally' being disclosed to him. I also knew there was likely to be pillow talk as she was on him like an MP on an expenses claim form as soon as we split up.

Some women are like that unfortunately sad

inmyshoos Mon 18-Dec-17 23:38:25

RC1234
Well to hell with it I'm going with the must be devastatingly beautiful suggestion! That MUST be it grin Every cloud eh?

BlackeyedSusan Tue 19-Dec-17 07:35:02

bben there too.

I left him at the side of the road as he had thumped me in the head a couple of times while he was driving he got an invitation to a party, we got left in the cold.

OliviaStabler Tue 19-Dec-17 08:13:31

How awful for you flowers

I wonder what lies he might have told them about you and the situation around the break up sad

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