To not want my son to go anywhere yet?

[lunatune]

Ok so bit of background..my son is 6 months old now and a few days after he was born we discovered that he had quite a rare congenital defect that wasn't detected on any scans etc. He was operated on and although the surgery was successful this doesn't mean that he is fixed. There is a risk of complications for the rest of his life which if they happen are a medical emergency as his condition can be life threatening.

He spent the first 2 months of his life in and out of hospital which was awful for us as a family but since then so far so good. I have been quite traumatised by all of this, very teary at times, worrying etc as it's taking a while to sink in. Everyone else seems to have moved on though and I get the impression that they expect me to aswel.

Up until now my son hasn't been cared for by anyone other than me and dh as I haven't wanted him to go anywhere but because of this we have always made sure that we visit family regularly, have them round our house every week so that they still see plenty of him etc.

Up until now no one has said anything but this weekend my pil made a passive aggressive comment about going somewhere and saying it was full of nans with their grandkids. It was so random how it was said and nothing to do with what we were talking about at the time. Now it might be me taking it the wrong way but I got the impression that they were trying to make a point.

They have never asked about taking him anywhere and I also have another child that would of loved to have gone with them but they haven't asked about him either. I don't particularly want the baby going off for the day yet for the first time and we have arranged for them to have him over Christmas for a few hours to get him (and me) used to him being with other people. My mil has previously said that in my position with what has happened she would be the same but I'm starting to doubt it now.

Thanks for reading. Aibu?

[Stormwhale]

Yanbu. Even many parents with children without medical issues arent ready for people to have their baby at 6 months. I wasnt. You keep your son with you as long as you want to. Your pils had their turn, this is your baby and you need to do what is right for you as his parents.

[liquidrevolution]

YANBU - DD was nearly a year old before I would let PILs take her out for a few hours. I refuse to let her stay overnight because they are batshit

If you don't want to then don't feel pressurized into doing so.

Also extremely cruel of them to not mention your other child.

[Tinselistacky]

Firstly your baby doesn't need to 'get used to people' was that dh /their idea? He needs you!! Let them complain all they want, if they can't support your parenting choices are they the sort of people you would feel comfortable with him staying with at all anyway?
He isn't a bloody toy!

[StealthNinjaMum]

Wow, ya definitely nbu.

6 months is early to let inlaws take a baby out even if they haven't had those problems. If he was mine I wouldn't let him out of my sight.

Does he need to get used to being with other people? Does that mean you won't be there? Don't feel pressure if you don't feel ready.

I hope your dh is in agreement with you.

[lunatune]

Phew thank you so much! The getting used to other people was me trying to avoid him getting upset when I go back work in a couple of months as I didn't want it to be too much of a shock to him after being with just me an dh. He has been having settling in sessions every week with his soon to be child minder with me there which he has been fine with.

Dh has been very supportive about no one else caring for him yet and when I spoke to him about what was said over the weekend other than saying I might have taken it the wrong way, he was angry that fil had said it (if it was a dig) as he hasn't even asked if he can take the grandkids. I'm pretty certain that they weren't going to ask the eldest to go as they have had him hundreds of times over the years and know that if they asked we would say yes. I feel for my other child as when pil come to visit they hardly speak to him anymore it's all about the baby.

I am starting to feel a bit under pressure now about letting other people look after the baby as I feel like they think I need to snap out of it as he's fine at the minute but I'm just not ready. Over Christmas I've said the only way I will leave him is if it's only for a couple of hours and he stays at our house.

[Glumglowworm]

Yanbu

He’s six months old! Even without health issues, that’s very young to be away from his parents! You are never unreasonable to not let other people look after your six month old!

[AshGirl]

We have had a very similar situation with DS - undetected heart defect, open heart surgery, 2 months in hospital. He is also doing well at the moment.

In my experience, even when your baby is doing well, you are not 'over it' as you are aware that things can go wrong very quickly.

Be kind to yourself and don't feel pressured to leave your DC unless and until you are comfortable doing so. For us, it was a big turning point when he came off one of his medicines, started putting on weight and generally looking like a normal baby and not a skinny, poorly one

Wishing you all the best

[Trinity66]

Are you sure you picked them up correctly though? I mean if they have never even asked to take him anywhere how could they be getting annoyed about not taking him places?

[Onlyoldontheoutside]

You and your DH are the parents so do it your way.Its not just how your baby feels,it's important how you feel too.
Were all different about how we feel leaving our babies with other people,yours is coloured because your child has been ill.
I hope all goes well for you and you have a lovely Christmas.

[headintheproverbial]

I agree with a PP. I'm not even sure from what you've said that I would read Ito it what you have. Either way, of course you don't have to let them have him for the day. Neither of my children spent a whole day with anyone other than me (including my DH) until quite a bit older because they were EBF. Not unusual, regardless of medical issues!

[RainbowWish]

My toddler had throat problems and I never let him out of my grips for the first year. We went out and socialised with family and friends but he was never without me or his father as we knew how to clear his air ways.
He is now 2 and has never slept a night away from us but I am comfortable only to let my mum and dad have him as they took the time to get to know his condition etc.
Follow your instincts you are under no pressure to do anything. You are not stopping relationships with anyone you are just do it it in a safe manner that is all. Babies health comes first

[burgen]

None of my children have health issues and I wouldn't have let anyone take them out without me that young. Even towards 12 months the most I'm away from them is an hour. It's your child. Not theirs.

[ImDoingLaundry]

Sounds very similar to our story, missed heart defect on scans and baby checks, a&e at 1 year old, in heart failure and then open heart surgery. Our families have had our eldest (now 4) for a few times over the years but never overnight, even though he has no issues.
I'm absolutely positive they're capable, my mum is highly qualified to look after a sick child, and my MIL raised my DP and his siblings who were very sick as children. I just feel that they're my children and I don't have any need to ship them off once a week.

It's traumatic and completely reasonable to not want your children to be out of your sight for a long while. A 6 month old does not need to "get used to people" they need their parents and that's it.
Sod anyone else.

[LoverOfCake]

Yanbu to not want to let anyone else have him for now. But playing devil's advocate here, is it possible that the comment from your ILs had more bearing on their feelings as grandparents over your ds' illness than them having a go at you for not letting them take him somewhere?

The reality here is that an illness in the family does affect the whole family to a greater or lesser extent. Yes he is your DS and of course the impact is going to be the greatest on the immediate family, however going to an event where there were loads of grandparents with grandchildren may have brought it home to them that given the seriousness of your DS' health problems things are going to be different this time around, and they may have realised that they're potentially not going to ever be in a position to share these kinds of experiences with their latest grandchild as they perhaps have with previous grandchildren.

Given they haven't actually said anything about thinking you need to let them look after him I do think that you are being unreasonable to simply read your own thoughts into what they said when actually, they didn't really say anything.

[lunatune]

Ashgirl & imdoinglaundry I'm so glad to hear that your children are doing ok now. It must of been so scary to have to go through that. Its a massive shock isn't it when you think everything's going to be fine when they're born and they aren't. It's amazing what these tiny babies can endure.

To the posters that said I might have got it wrong, I might of. I did say I might have taken it the wrong way it's possibly because they have kept offering to babysit/ watch the kids for me while I do errands etc which I have always politely declined but I just feel they are starting to push more for it. It's lovely of them to offer and what they said might have been a throw away comment but I just feel that when I'm ready to leave him I would ask them then.

The poster that said that they might be just looking at other grandparents and wishing that was them with their grandkids, there's nothing stopping them asking to take their other grandchild to these things. Why should he miss out?

[Silverthorn]

Are you sure it wasn't just a throwaway comment rather than passive aggressive? I would not give it another thought.
But yanbu to not want to leave your baby. Neither have mine have really been left yet and they are 3.8yo and 20mo. My eldest would be fine now but he was very needy as a baby.

[Silverthorn]

Sorry x-post.

[lunatune]

The comment could have been entirely innocent I will probably never know. I think either way it touched a nerve as people keep asking to have him and I keep saying no and I was wondering if I was being unreasonable by not letting him go anywhere. I feel better knowing that the general consensus is that 6 months isn't a long time to not let others have him and will continue as we have been for now.

[Trinity66]

he's only 6 months old still, you don't have to feel guilty about wanting to keep him close.

[Wait4nothing]

We’d have let dd stay with grandparents at that age but haven’t had the rough start you had. She didn’t stay overnight with them (or anyone else) until she was over a year old and even at 1.5 I’m only just planning a weekend without her. I think it’s a very individual thing and yanbu

[FizzyGreenWater]

No, absolutely not.

Six months was WAY too young for me to let them go with anyone who wasn't me or DH - and that's with no health issues.

This is basically where you need to get the confidence that it is just up to you and how anyone else feels about it is just not important. Your children are YOUR responsibility. It's just your call. There's no 'right' answer here except 'whatever the parents want'. Nobody else gets a say - they get/got a say with their own children.

So you need to start perfecting the confident smile which gives the impression that the person asking has just requested that they try on your underwear, and say 'No, that won't be happening for a while, we're both happy with having him stay with us right now and that's the right decision for us.' End of chat.

[lunatune]

Fizzy you are totally right with that 😁 I definitely do need to start being more confident about my choices. It has helped talking to everyone here. I need to start as I mean to go on.

[SomethingNastyInTheBallPool]

YANBU, OP. My DD had a congenital heart defect and open heart surgery when she was under 6 months. The first time we left her with anyone was when my parents looked after her because her heart surgeon wanted a pre-op meeting with us on our own. It was so nerve-wracking and I still remember the insanely long list - laminated! - of Dos and Don’ts I issued my parents with before I’d hand her over.

I do think it’s a good idea to get used to other family members spending time with your DC - but only in a way you’re comfortable with, and when you feel ready. There’ll come a time when you’ll be only too glad to have a fully trained babysitter to give you the occasional break!

[missymousey]

What Fizz said, way better than I could have.

Go with your instinct, tell the PIL there's plenty of time for that in future, and enjoy every minute with both your DC as much as you like.

[grannytomine]

It is so hard to tell if you don't hear the tone but from what you have said, them not asking to have him, your MIL agreeing with your choice and them not having the other child I think I would give them the benefit of the doubt.

I wouldn't worry too much about baby getting used to being away from you at the moment but can well understand it will be very hard for you to leave him so having short breaks very gradually might make things easier for you.

I worked after all 4 of mine were a few months old and I found going back to work really hard, generally spent the day before starting back was spent with me sobbing. It gets easier but it is hard and I think it is especially hard if you aren't planning any more (don't know if that applies to you but every milestone was like a knife in my heart with the last one) It must be ten times harder when you have been so much.

I hope you get lots of support and it all goes well. By the way when I started reading I thought you were going to say he was 18 and you were worried about his first holiday without you or going off to uni. I think you are being very brave.