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WIBU me or DH?

(99 Posts)
VerityRarity Mon 18-Dec-17 12:33:41

I've inherited some money from a great uncle, as has DD (whose 2). My money alone is enough to buy a house with a mortgage but with DDs could buy us a 3-4 bed house in the town we're in now (aka near both families, DDs Nursery etc) outright or with a very tiny mortgage.

DD has a few extra needs, and may need to live with us for the rest of her life. The Will stated that if the money was going to be used to directly benefit DD we could ask the solicitors permission to use the money and he'd made a decision. The solicitor has been told about DD, her extra needs and feels my plan to buy a house which DD would directly inherit after my death --because even if she can't live in it, it would help pay for her care/a small flat for her-= is a good plan so has given me permission to use DDs money.

DH and I have been married 2 years in April (got married when DD was 10 months old). We currently live in a small but lovely housing association flat on the ground floor. I'd happily stay here if it hadn't been for this opportunity. DH works full time, I work but mostly from home (going to the office once a month or so) so I can be around if DD has a fall or whatever at Nursery and I need to pick her up.

DH wants us to get a mortgage, using the money from my GU as a deposit and get a 5 bed house. He says he wants to have the space to be "away from us" (DD and I). He keeps going on about having a gaming room for himself and being able to invite his friends round every week for a drink in "his room". He's on about having his mum and dad down next christmas and still having room for his best friend - his parents live 5 minutes drive away and see us at least once a fortnight and have never expressed a desire to stay with us, his best friend lives in the next town but has slept on the sofa bed in the living room the last two christmases (and will again this year) from Christmas Eve until Boxing Day.

He's a great dad generally, often takes DD for "father-daughter" time on a Sunday, does half all the chores, helps with the cat, he's pretty good at DIY, and he takes DD to Nursery in the morning on the 3 days she's in even though it's the opposite direction to his work. So I do feel this is a joint decision.

I've told him i don't think that's a good idea. If we got a 3 bed and needed a tiny mortgage it would cost us less than our rent costs us per month - we currently pay £300pm rent, a mortgage would be about half that, whereas with the 5 bed will easily cost what we're paying in rent now plus a bit more we can afford for our "rent" to go up a bit but I'd be worried about other things such as bill increasing as it's a bigger place. Plus we'd also have to maintain it like we don't have to here, so if the boiler breaks it's our responsibility not the Housing Associations.

I don't want to override his decisions and come across as controlling just because it's my money, we're only 26 and 28 so this is a fantastic opportunity and he'll be paying half the mortgage if we end up needing one but I'm trying to future proof our investment. If the worst was to happen to DD and she needed care I feel as her parents it's our responsibility to pay for as much of that as we can, so I'd sell the house and downsize. 3-4 beds sell a lot easier here than 5 bed+. We're still not sure if we want other children yet so our focus 100% needs to be DD and her potential future needs.

So who's being sensible here me or DH?

Allthewaves Mon 18-Dec-17 12:37:30

I'd want to keep a chunk dd money safe to one side for her use. The rest I'd use to buy a house with a mortgage of the value of rent you are paying now.

messofajess Mon 18-Dec-17 12:38:41

I think you are being sensible her. It is your money after all. I would buy a house to be kept in your name with no mortgage and look into getting an outside shed or something he can use for a games room. He is being selfish.

Trinity66 Mon 18-Dec-17 12:38:51

Do you get a special room as well to get away from him? :p

19lottie82 Mon 18-Dec-17 12:39:06

Ask yourself, what’s more important? Securing your DDs future or your DH having a games room? There’s your answer.

TheEmmaDilemma Mon 18-Dec-17 12:39:23

House maintenance can often end up costing more a year than you expect.

Don't over streach yourselves. If you can go for 4 beds, but not 5.

Soubriquet Mon 18-Dec-17 12:40:14

Hibu. He sounds very childish

Your plan sounds the most sensible

MadForlt Mon 18-Dec-17 12:42:16

If it was me, I would buy the house in my name and DD's if that's allowed, if that's not allowed I would be getting legal advice on how to set it up so that she gets it rather than DH. The inheritance is your money and you want to protect it for DD.

I don't think I would trust your DH not to sell the house for something bigger, should something happen to you.

I think your plan is a good one.

Frederickvonhefferneffer Mon 18-Dec-17 12:42:19

I think that your approach is the sensible one.

MotherCupboard Mon 18-Dec-17 12:42:41

You don't need a 5bed. 3 bed would be more than adequate. Its your responsibility to use dds money for her benefit. Buying your dh a man cave is not in her best interests.

TitaniasCloset Mon 18-Dec-17 12:44:03

He sounds very selfish and childish.!

MotherCupboard Mon 18-Dec-17 12:44:27

To be perfectly honest with you however I would put your daughter's money in a trust or savings account that can't be easily accessed and use only your money to buy the house with a mortgage. Then if she needs it in the future it is right there and no need to argue about who is selling a house or whatever to buy her somewhere to live. Its her money after all and if it means you have a mortgage, well so do a lot of other people.

LittleMe03 Mon 18-Dec-17 12:45:10

Could you tell him that you ideally think 3 bed would be ok and as he wants 5 bed you think you should both compromise and go for 4 beds. He could still then have his 'games' room and you would have a spare too

TalkinBoutWhat Mon 18-Dec-17 12:46:22

Hmmm, I'd be ensuring that the house is purchased under some sort of Trust Agreement, so that it is for you and your DH for life, but is owned by your DD - or half of it is owned by your DD, or something like that. If you were to sadly die first, I don't think his attitude is one that matches with him doing whatever is needed to keep your DD financially secure I'm afraid.

Dozer Mon 18-Dec-17 12:46:33

Your DH is BU.

You can’t assume that money invested in the family home will be left to pass on when you and DH are gone: it may be needed to fund long term health/social care for one or both of you.

MiraiDevant Mon 18-Dec-17 12:50:00

Speak to the solicitor. I would make sure the house was in joint names - you and DD.

I am not sure but if you are married and the house is in your name it might be part of a divorce settlement. If you were to die and it went to DH as a spousal inheritance and he remarried.... Or you did and your new DH had designs on it.. Keep it ring-fenced as DDs money.

Your plan sounds sensible in terms of house size.

VerityRarity Mon 18-Dec-17 12:50:40

I'm happy to get a mortgage and don't want to use DDs money unless I have to, any money left over from the purchase (after fees, stamp duty etc) would be going into a bank account for her to use but the solicitors advise was if we can avoid getting a mortgage to do so because it's one less bill to worry about.

I'm more worried that DH wants to stretch our budget to it's limit, but didn't know whether I was being UR and not listening to him, and whether we should sensibly get the bigger house.

I don't want my own space away from him and he manages right now without the space away from us as we have an open plan kitchen/living room. It takes a bit of compromise but we manage ok.

SandyY2K Mon 18-Dec-17 12:51:28

Mmm. You guys are very young... with the way marriages crumble these days...I would not be going with his idea.

He wants to get away from you and DD and have his own space ? No chance. It's all about him. I don't like it.

Pootlebug Mon 18-Dec-17 12:52:47

I agree that your more prudent house purchase is the way forward.
I also think you need to speak to a solicitor about how to ensure the house remains your dad's property (and you and dh have the right to live in it with her), to guard against
1) if you or dh needed care, and your daughter's money disappearing in care home fees, and
2) if you and your husband were ever to split up, if in your name he would likely walk away with half of it

SandyY2K Mon 18-Dec-17 12:53:40

I'd personally also want to leave a cash sum aside for DD.

Please seek legal advice looking at how to protect the house for you and DD in the event of a divorce.

pinkbraces Mon 18-Dec-17 12:54:42

what would happen in the event of a marriage breakdown? Would your DH be entitled to half the house, which would be in part your DD's money or would you have the correct paperwork written up by a solicitor.

Please dont think this could never happen, you must protect your daughters inheritance.

MotherCupboard Mon 18-Dec-17 12:55:17

I also agree if you were to die then i don't think your dh would necessarily make the best decisions for your dd, considering he's happy to squander her money on a 5bed.

VerityRarity Mon 18-Dec-17 12:58:46

I will get proper legal advise before a purchase to make sure that DDs portion of the money is protected in the event of divorce/my death. There's a very good property solicitor in our town so I'd get in to see him.

MoistCantaloupe Mon 18-Dec-17 13:01:09

A special room away from you and DD! Do you get a room also? I'd stick to your plan OP, it really is the best idea.

HeebieJeebies456 Mon 18-Dec-17 13:01:32

I'm more worried that DH wants to stretch our budget to it's limit

I think you should also think/worry about what will happen to the house/inheritance if your marriage should fail and you divorce.
Have you spoken to a solicitor about protecting the money/assets so your dd doesn't suffer or lose out if you divorce and your dh goes for 50% of everything?

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