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AIBU to feel like the bottom of everyone's pile??

(68 Posts)
CalpolandCokeplease Sun 17-Dec-17 18:35:25

NC but a regular.

So, there's just so much to this that if I typed it all out I'd definitely give myself away! So I'll try and give you an idea.

Sister lives next door to mum and dad. She's divorced with a child, working full time. Sister-in-law lives 10 minutes from in laws and her family. She has two kids and husband. She works part-time but her husband works full time.

We live about 30-45 mins from both sides of the family. We have three kids. All I'll this weekend. I phone MIL to explain that we won't see her today as planned as all the kids are unwell and don't want to pass the germs on. Explained about kids being ill and she automatically assumed that I'll be taking a day off work tomorrow if necessary. I said that DH might and she was like "well he can't as he hasn't got anymore time left to take." So that has pissed me off. Why is my job less important? I'm a teacher so don't get flexi-timr! DH spoke to her about possibly helping out with childcare this week in case kids are poorly still and each day the in laws are basically doing something for SIL and their kids, either baby sitting, running them to school/clubs. Spoke to my parents and very similiar. They are ferrying sister's kids to a nativity then some party. We never ever ask our parents to help with childcare. My kids have been looked after 5 times in total by both sets of grandparents and the eldest is 6!! SIL and sister on the other hand, kids might as well fucking live there.

I'm so tired dealing with three poorly kids, husband who works long hours, tiring job. AIBU to want someone to simply ask how I'm feeling? How my week has been? Can we pop over and give you a couple of hours off? Nope. Never happens. I started a new role last week. Not one member of my family or in laws has asked about it.

Just feel like I'm at the bottom of everyone's fucking pile. I ask my mum why she's not phoned and I get "I don't like to disturb!" WTAF?!? Disturb away please. I need a bloody distraction!

I get that we live further away. I get that my sister is divorced and parenting alone. I get that SIL has her issues and has a very busy life and needs help. But I just don't feel like I, or we, are ever put first. My dad once said that cos he knows I'm independent and have always just got on with things, that I'm fine. And i guess I am in general. But every so often it'd be nice for MIL to ask about my job. She went on today for about 15 minutes about a neighbour 's ill pet dog and a pair of trousers she had to take back to the fucking shops.

CalpolandCokeplease Sun 17-Dec-17 19:30:36


hollowtree Sun 17-Dec-17 19:33:00

I'm definitely the bottm of our pile!

hollowtree Sun 17-Dec-17 19:33:28

Other than that I can't be very helpful sorry

jazzmin Sun 17-Dec-17 19:39:04

You answered your own question - you cope too well usually. My husband is the same, his siblings are far more needy and his parents like to feel wanted. Take it as a compliment and know you are being an Amazing role model for your own children.

AbbieLexie Sun 17-Dec-17 19:41:10

flowers Understand totally - have the t-shirt.

CalpolandCokeplease Sun 17-Dec-17 19:44:42


Rubyslippers7780 Sun 17-Dec-17 19:48:29

The squeakiest wheel gets most oil... you don't squeak and everyone else does..therefore they ignore you. I am not saying squeak more. I am the same. Sick of hearing how hard everyone is working, bla bla.. i obviously don't look like i'm on my knees so must be great. Totally sucks and feel your pain

Givemeonereason Sun 17-Dec-17 19:55:47

You sound like my brother. He always whinges that my parents help me out more than him.
But I ask for help. He doesn't. I am very close to my parents. He isn't. He doesn't help them out when they need it or phone for a chat. He didn't even acknowledge when their company made them redundant, just asks in passing if they're enjoying retirement which annoys them.
It not favouritism, they would help him, and have, if/when he asks for help. But he'd rather not ask and play the martyr.

Do you outright ask for help? Do you have a good relationship? Do you help them out?

gillyweed Sun 17-Dec-17 19:58:50

Urghhhhh could of written your post. Me and dh have had a massive falling out today over just this, but more specifically me and the kids being the bottom of everyone's fucking list.

We get no help from any family. I'm excluded from events as 'I' have to look after kids, never consulted on family arrangements just have to go along with everyone else and fit in.

To top it off, my pil flew in from a different country this weekend for a big family birthday (no babysitter so couldn't go), spent 1.5 hrs with me and the kids, no Xmas presents for them or even xmas cards and flew out again 2 days after they had arrived without seeing us again. Ever get the impression your not wanted?!!

I think the poster above is right, I don't ask for help often and I'm a people pleaser so nobody offers to look after us.

Littlelambpeep Sun 17-Dec-17 19:59:47

Like the squeeky wheel saying. We haven't had any (literally any) family support at all. Dbro gets his dcs minded most days. When I asked once DM said she wouldnt cope - so I never asked again

Iwanttobe8stoneagain Sun 17-Dec-17 20:03:44

I know how you feel. We have had one night with out our DS and he’s nearly 6. Db lives by parents and basically parents look after DN every day at some point.Bil has mental health issues and always looked after by PIl. Like you on the outside we cope too well cos quite frankly we have no choice. Look at it another way your Sister and SIL will be the ones having to do most of the looking after the old folk in a few years.

RoseWhiteTips Sun 17-Dec-17 20:05:01

You’re a teacher so they probably think you are someone who copes - which is true. Get what you mean though.

Schlimbesserung Sun 17-Dec-17 20:05:28

My full story wrt to family help is too long and depressing, but the short version is that I've lost years of my life and thousands of pounds helping my parents and siblings. When I need help I get nothing. Nothing at all. My siblings get anything they want- cash, gifts, general running around, whatever.
It stinks and I hate it, but I can't change it except to never help them again. I can offer sympathy though. It's hurtful, but it isn't because of you, it's because of them.

ChishandFips33 Sun 17-Dec-17 20:06:35

I've come to the conclusion that some of it is about how needed you make them feel. We, like you are independent and get on with things...and are also bottom of the pile.

RoseWhiteTips Sun 17-Dec-17 20:07:03

I’d rather be thought of as someone who is independent than as someone who needs older people to help them cope. They are needy; you are not.

liquidrevolution Sun 17-Dec-17 20:11:03

Another bottom of the piler here. Quite glad I dont have much involvement with the PILs as they are batshit but it would be nice to have some involvement from my DPs.

They live 4hrs away and I try and visit regulalry with DD but DSis is now moving to be in the same town and she dumped her SEN teenage kids there in June while she sells the house (which hasn't happened yet hmm). Lets just say my visits have not been relaxing or welcome since then, even though they have the space. Naturally they are too busy to visit me.

Its always been that way. When I was at uni I didnt call as I wanted to see how long it would be before they called me. I caved after 3 weeks and got told 'we thought you had forgotten our number' when I called them angry.

StrugglingAlbion Sun 17-Dec-17 20:12:12

Another one who could have written your post, OP.

Tinselistacky Sun 17-Dec-17 20:13:32

Make a mental note not to be available when they are old and decrepid...

MammaTJ Sun 17-Dec-17 20:24:51

You phoned your MIL to cancel todays plans as you do not want to pass on germs, then asked them to do childcare for poorly children?

A little contradictory, if you don't mind me saying, or even if you do!

It does sound rotten that no family are able to help you though. I have none near me and have a good network of friends that help out. I help them out too. I have had a child overnight and beyond when her mum was concerned about older DD and thought she might need to take her to hospital, I have had poorly DC while my friend has worked. A friend has had my DD overnight while I took my DS to hospital for a planned operation. Other friends have had children while I went to a funeral, had babies etc.

You might want to start looking in that direction more. Friends are usually willing to help as long as it is a two way street.

Flupi Sun 17-Dec-17 20:25:42

I’ve never had any help from anyone. In fact my dad does love me but wants to think I’m happy and everything’s good, and that’s it. That’s his role done. I tried to talk to him once but in the end didn’t because didn’t want to shatter his illusions- I think previous posters are right, it’s easy for other people to think you’re ok. because they like to think All is well because the love you. If you ask for help you’ll no doubt get it but not on the spur of the moment. Book ahead. Nothing is done on the spur of the moment any more. My dm and dsis live 4 hours apart in the car and my dm is always moaning she doesn’t know what’s happening in her life, never sees her etc. but when my dsis said she could come to see Mum on such and such day, Mum said no because she was seeing a local friend for coffee. My point is that people book things to do and don’t like to deviate, so if you don’t want to be bottom of the pile, you have to get your diary out and pre book a load of eg babysitting.

mrsreynolds Sun 17-Dec-17 20:26:40

I was talking to someone earlier this year
Tbh I've had a shocker of a year well the last 4 years actually and he said
"Ah yes but you're a coper"
Good fucking job I cope isn't it?
I get you op

Coyotea Sun 17-Dec-17 20:27:47

Another one coming on to say 'I hear you!' OP! Although think chishandfips actually summed it up - we are also quite independent. Although i still find it incredibly annoying that MIL will happily do an hours drive to help BIL on a regular basis and yet has never looked after our kids once, didn't even get an offer when DH was in hospital last year! comforting in a way to know we're not alone - have had a complex over it for years!!

BlackeyedSusan Sun 17-Dec-17 20:32:35

<Tries to unbury head from bottom of pile>


yep, me too.

Flupi Sun 17-Dec-17 20:32:45

Mamma- I did that with my friends, I helped them, they helped me, but it was actually exhausting, because whenever I wasn’t working I was paying back, tit for tat. I had 3 dc in 3 different places, nursery, schools, due to the difference in ages, and with no family near to help had to have this reciprocal arrangement with my friends. In the end, I gave up work for a bit because the juggling was too extreme.

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