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BertyFlanter Sun 17-Dec-17 17:29:14

So after my works party last night (only female and 10 guys) we all ended up at one of the guys houses with his girlfriend and one of the other guys girlfriend who had shown up earlier, watching the boxing.

The guy whose girlfriend had come along earlier (uninvited) was blatantly after a threesome with me all night. I put them both in the picture that it was never going to happen, I’m a married woman and 15 years or more older than all of them. All the other guys were nothing but respectful, but at the end of the night I was in the kitchen checking my phone and when I turned around this one colleague had pulled his pants down and got his cock out. He just stood there and said “I’ve got a small cock look”
I shot out of the room and straight away the gf of the house we were at made an excuse to get me out of the room. When we were away she said the other gf had come into the room saying we were all going home together, make sure Berty leaves with us 😮

So, right now I’m feeling pretty pissed off and tbh violated. I’ve chatted with a couple of the guys and they seem to think it’s something and nothing and it will all just go away.

The work situation is complicated, can’t go into details as it’s outing, suffice to say HR would come under my umbrella, and for business reasons we can’t afford to sack this member of staff. Although I don’t doubt if that was my chosen route I would have all the backing I needed.

So I have thought about calling him out on the group chat we have, since he behaved like that in front of everybody, but then a part of me thinks a final written warning. But then he might be so embarrassed that he jacks in, and all the other guys would suffer and we may end up losing other jobs.

I know what the right thing to do is, but I don’t want to debate the current state of the business. I can’t change where we are. But I’m so mad that I’m sat here feeling like this and worrying about everyone’s jobs, because some dirty little man couldn’t keep it in his pants. Literally 😡

So any ideas on how to handle this tomorrow?

TammySwansonTwo Sun 17-Dec-17 17:32:13

I'm so sorry this happened to you, and that you're in such a difficult situation. Saddened but not shocked that the others played it down. I'm afraid I don't have any suggestions for you, just wanted to send some flowers

BertyFlanter Sun 17-Dec-17 17:42:23

Thanks Tammy, I think saddened but not shocked covers it. So many of them have young daughters, I maybe hoped for their sakes they would be outraged.

It’s the fact that I’ve done nothing wrong yet I am sat here with it whirring round my head that irks. I thought I was passed all this, in 20 plus years of socialising with colleagues (mostly male) no one has ever done anything even remotely like this. I like to think I give off a pleasant fuck off vibe, but my powers are clearly waning!

Angelicinnocent Sun 17-Dec-17 18:05:49

How would work view you having a quiet word in his ear that if he ever pulls a stunt like that again you'll take the scissors to his barely there cock?

BertyFlanter Sun 17-Dec-17 18:10:38

I think I would have the backing to handle it however I see fit, just not sure once the formal route is off the table what is the best way...

IamtheDevilsAvocado Sun 17-Dec-17 18:18:39

If it's a Christmas dependant business, could you give him a final warning..
On the understanding ANY other transgressions whether or not harassment based - will lead to immediate dismissal?

SilentlyScreamingAgain Sun 17-Dec-17 18:20:57

I'm really sorry this happened to you.

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon Sun 17-Dec-17 18:22:42

I get where you are coming from but I don’t think you can really ignore that this has happened. Seems like they were quite adement that you would be partaking in the threesome. Can you imagine if you had drunk too much?

Topseyt Sun 17-Dec-17 18:23:50

Give him the final warning. He deserves it.

stopfuckingshoutingatme Sun 17-Dec-17 18:27:45

Peppa ! Are you saying that OP would have suddenly said ‘yay ‘ to a threesome after one more glass of prosecco hmm

Your post read very victim blaming actually

OP in your shoes I would say something . Keep it calm and concise but make it clear that his behaviour was offensive and disgusting and if he ever tries it again you will report him .

It’s such a fucker as it’s ruined your evening and thrown up such unpleasant thoughts

angry for you

Bubblebubblepop Sun 17-Dec-17 18:33:45

I don't think that's what peppa meant, I believe she was suggesting they may've taken the opportunity to rape her had she been less on the ball

OP I think I would go in tomorrow expecting a fight and see what happens. You have no reason to be worried or embarrassed.

AuldHeathen Sun 17-Dec-17 18:36:35

I think you do have to address his actions in some more ‚formal’ way. I see that might create problems, it‘s quite a dilemma you’ve got there, OP. What would be the step below final written warning? Would that be enough of a slap on the wrist cos you wouldn’t be able to note anything on his file, would you? He needs to be reminded that his conduct was and continues to be unacceptable.

BertyFlanter Sun 17-Dec-17 18:38:04

Peppa I don’t think you are trying to victim blame as such, but I did say last night after they had left, that had I been a more vulnerable person (wether through drink or by nature) it could have been a lot worse.** They were incredibly predatory, the more I think about it the more angry I am.**

So as not to drip feed, this gf turned up last year and was convinced I winked at her bf.** I absolutely didn’t and don’t even remember her being there.** She has spent the last year going through his phone and banned him from all nights out.** This has resulted in much piss taking and banter from the lads.**
Last night everyone knew she was coming to “keep an eye” on me.** I diffused the situation from the start by saying to the bf to introduce us properly.** I then put her mind at feet that I was not after her man.** As I said I’m a lot older than her and I remember being insecure.** It went well, and for the rest of the night she was quite clingy to me.** I thought it was a mixture of feeling silly in front of everyone now she knew I was not a threat and also not really knowing anyone else there, so like a proper growed up, I continued to be nice to her.**
How naive am I 😔

BertyFlanter Sun 17-Dec-17 18:38:49

Sorry for random bold, don’t know how that happened!

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon Sun 17-Dec-17 18:40:30

stopfuckingshoutingatme no, I am not victim blaming at all thank you. I was saying that if the OP had drunk too much then they other people could have taken advantage hence my post that they seemed quite admement that they would be having the threesome hmm

gamerchick Sun 17-Dec-17 18:42:33

If you want to go down the formal route then reporting him to the police for indecent exposure might be your best bet. If we all got properly wrong because of what happens on a works do then many of us would be getting warnings and whatnot.

BitOfFun Sun 17-Dec-17 18:44:13

The man is a sex pest and should be sacked. You really need to make a formal complaint, and hang the business consequences. It's tough, but it's his fault, not yours.

Bubblebubblepop Sun 17-Dec-17 18:52:00

Bitoffun OPs first post is all about how its not as easy as that. HR falls under her remit anyway, and to sack this man now would potentially lead to critical loss of business.

OP, is this the type of work where you could let him see through this job/ this set of jobs and ensure he isn't hired again.?

Reading between the lines I'm wondering if this is construction which really isn't straight forward because the behaviours at work are so different from other places of work and sacking doesn't particularly affect the person

BertyFlanter Sun 17-Dec-17 18:52:22

Bit of fun I completely agree, but unfortunately it would mean that potentially at least one maybe two other people would lose their job through no fault of their own.**
We know we need to address the situation whereby someone is “indispensable” but it’s not straight forward.** Don’t want to out myself (already quite identifying) but sacking him would have consequences for people who really dont deserve it.**

Gamer do you mean I am over reacting? I get that things happen on works nights out and Christmas parties, but this was more than just a clumsy pass under the mistletoe, it was a sustained series of actions culminating in a criminal offence.**

Onelastpage Sun 17-Dec-17 18:55:34

This could have been a really unsafe situation - repeatedly not taking no for an answer, seeking you out alone and then exposing himself. I’d have felt physically threatened in those circumstances (more so than being flashed in the street for example).

That’s quite apart from the suggestion to others that you would cheat on your husband; which I realise is a side issue but would make me furious all on his own. This is one way rumours can start without you doing anything wrong.

He committed a crime in indecent exposure and you’d be within your rights to get Police involved. He needs to know that. The business at least needs to formally know he has form for this completely inappropriate and potentially threatening behaviour.

BertyFlanter Sun 17-Dec-17 18:56:22

Bubblepop yes to the industry.** And yes I probably could get through the jobs we have and then get rid, but conduct of this nature, to be dealt with formally, also has to be dealt with swiftly.**
Rock and a hard place. I hate that the dilemma is on my shoulders 😡

Onelastpage Sun 17-Dec-17 18:57:27

Essentially I think that this man needs to understand that there are consequences for his actions. He’s protected by circumstance at the moment but that can change.

GriefLeavesItsMark Sun 17-Dec-17 19:01:30

Where you wearing hotpants by any chance?

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats Sun 17-Dec-17 19:04:00

I don’t think the flashing is the most serious issue here. These people were preying on you in a situation where you could be expected to let your guard down. She was ‘ clingy to’ you all night long or keeping you close, grooming you with her company and friendship so that when she got the chance she and her turd of a boyfriend could ensure you all went home together.

Maybe they planned this. People’s relationship are very strange to others sometimes. Maybe she fixated on you from last year and he has been feeding her obsession with fantasies of her wanting a 3 some with you!
Honestly, I think you should deal with this - there is always an answer. They are a pair of predators. You are a strong, decent person and sensible enough at a work party to keep yourself safe.

Go straight for the most serious charge you can in order to show this man that he can’t get away with it. It wasn’t and accident, him getting his cock out. Who does that sort of thing. FFS! You were the intended victim, at this party, but do something before this unsavoury pair set their sights on someone more vulnerable.

TooManyPaws Sun 17-Dec-17 19:04:48

Is there anyone at work - fellow manager or whatever - that you can discuss this with?

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